Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) Perhaps it's not meant to be. It's been a hectic almost half year. Several key personnel changes in my office and I finally said "Enough!" and accepted a promotion to another program. For the first time in 16 years I'm not directly involved in legislation and politics. My wife's and my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I think I've already disclosed that she's bipolar but if not, she is. I tentatively diagnosed her about seven years ago, after four years of marriage, and we then had it confirmed -- bipolar type 2. While self-medication is not at all unusual for someone with bipolar disorder, that doesn't mean it's easy to live with. I often tell people that much of how they react to things has to do with their own, personal tolerance level. I reached that too. My wife and I had several very deep conversations about this, not to mention some arguments, et al. She started detox a week ago Thursday and Wednesday afternoon entered a residential recovery program where she'll be for the next 30-60 days. Like so many bipolars she'd been self-medicating with alcohol and it's been out of hand for years. Last week I made the decision to retire next year instead of the year after and I knew I couldn't retire and move away with my wife the way things were going, but I also knew I'd move away regardless. Whether or not rehab works is far less important than the fact that my wife was willing to enter into it. As long as she tries, I'll be right there by her side. It's when she doesn't try that I get discouraged and ready to pull the plug. I know that having a dual diagnosis is a double-whammy but I'm only human. So there it is. I guess the relationship message is that commitment ain't easy, requires sacrifice and can be painful at times. But when it works, there's nothing better! Long, long ago in a land far away, someone penned something called vows that included, "for better or worse, in sickness or health..." I realize that all too many don't pay any attention to those "vows" in this day-and-age. I still do. The hectic state continues unabated as I adjust to a period of "singleness." It's been awhile. Meanwhile, my new boss has announced a promotion at another department so she'll be leaving in a week. For some silly reason, people, including her, are looking in my direction to replace her. While it would be a $20K plus per year advancement, I'm not so sure it would be worth the headaches or putting off my retirement again. We'll see! I know this is a bit scattered. please forgive me for that and just read between the lines. My mind is going in a dozen directions all at once here. No contact with or from my wife until she's been in the program a week and I miss her. Edited March 22, 2008 by Curmudgeon
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I’m at a loss for anything of any real value to add. Cause if I were in a pinch, YOU’D be one of the regulars here that I’d look up to for feedback and support. ... Except maybe to say that having been where you are with both my daughter and ex-husband, I really feel it in my gut for you, Curm. It’s a difficult road, even for someone as strong as you are. But I’m pullin’ for you both and holding out hope that the extended program will be the final hurdle to getting everyone back on track. And when you genuinely love and care for someone, it’s hard to just abandon them unless you can finally reconcile with yourself that you gave it your absolute best try...
Storyrider Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Curm, you must love her very much. I am sure it means the world for her to feel that. It is so difficult for her to make good decisions about her illness when the illness affects her thinking constantly. She must be a very smart woman to have made it this far, and I'm sure that she wants very much to be a good wife and to do the right thing. It is so tricky to be there for her without making her balk and withdraw when faced with your hopes and expectations. Hang in there.
OldEurope Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Curm--By the way, another thread another place...La Dolce Vita was no threat! I could arrange retirement plans for you which would make you purr... But more to the topic now: Your sense of discipline and committment is as uncommon as it is admirable. Society today could use a strong dose (make that an O.D.) of such values on several fronts for the (extremely needed) better...not just where relationships are concerned... Now my dissenting however... Vows pertain to both partners. "In Sickness and in Health", "For Better and For Worse" pertain to a level of committment that is the obligation of both partners, not just one. Not for a minute do I believe that a marriage can and must function with one person doing all the heavy lifting while the other blunders about at the spouse's emotional expense. That you do not have "Sickness" but you have "Health" and that you are in the "Better" state and not your wife's "Worse" does not for a minute absolve her of caring for you and respecting your emotional state as well. The stronger partner should not be punished and it often seems that the stronger one always is! It is good that you miss her, but I highly doubt you miss the problems associated with her illness. I wish her well and I hope she stays "committed to the committment" as they say, but you cannot be expected to shoulder this, a-la Atlas, with absolutely no regard from her end to your needs as a human, as a man, and as a husband. xo OE
Ariadne Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Good going Curm. I always got the impression that your wife is pretty cool. And besides, even if she doesn't improve much, when you retire you'd be home all day so you can help with the house. I think she must be scared with the "going away" part getting close, that's why she was drinking more.
Touche Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Excellent words of wisdom here. I will say that I don't completely agree with OE though. Sometimes one spouse shoulders the burden(s) of the other. I know in my own marriage, which is going on 13 years, there have been times when I had to shoulder H's burdens and vice versa . One has to look at the big picture. If it's one person shouldering the burdens most of the time, it's time to cut one's losses. Hopefully, your wife's good character and determination will prevail in the end and you can enjoy your retirement together. In the meantime, know that you have our support and you're much admired for stepping up to the plate and supporting your wife. You're a rare breed these days. Hugs, Curm.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Curm--By the way, another thread another place...La Dolce Vita was no threat! I could arrange retirement plans for you which would make you purr... So, OE, just what do you/did you have in mind? Knowing that there are no absolutes about any of this I'm decidedly open to suggestion. Retirement plans accompanied by purrs sound good to me! What have I missed in my planning process; seriously? As for the rest, I'm very much aware that the end-all and be-all doesn't repose with me alone. It MUST be a combined effort. I'm more than willing to do my 100%, plus some. I am also NOT willing to bear the brunt of the responsibility all by myself to make it work. In an ideal world my wife would find recovery and we'd continue on. In a real world, it remains to be seen. If I sound conflicted it might be because I am!
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Good going Curm. I always got the impression that your wife is pretty cool. And besides, even if she doesn't improve much, when you retire you'd be home all day so you can help with the house. I think she must be scared with the "going away" part getting close, that's why she was drinking more. Ariadne, is it up to me to take up the brunt of the slack for another adult who, when not self-medicating, is quite competent? That's my conflict right now.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 I will say that I don't completely agree with OE though. Sometimes one spouse shoulders the burden(s) of the other. I know in my own marriage, which is going on 13 years, there have been times when I had to shoulder H's burdens and vice versa . One has to look at the big picture. If it's one person shouldering the burdens most of the time, it's time to cut one's losses. Hopefully, your wife's good character and determination will prevail in the end and you can enjoy your retirement together. In the meantime, know that you have our support and you're much admired for stepping up to the plate and supporting your wife. You're a rare breed these days. Hugs, Curm. That's you, of course. If my wife's better traits prevail in the end then I dare say all will be well. If they don't then be assured it's over. I have no objection to giving 110% but 200% is well beyond my capabilities. Now then. About your sister...
Touche Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 That's you, of course. If my wife's better traits prevail in the end then I dare say all will be well. If they don't then be assured it's over. I have no objection to giving 110% but 200% is well beyond my capabilities. Now then. About your sister... Can't blame you. And you'll give as much as you can until you can't anymore. It's that simple. Oh be quiet about my sister. She's really not good enough for you, trust me.
Ariadne Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Ariadne, is it up to me to take up the brunt of the slack for another adult who, when not self-medicating, is quite competent? That's my conflict right now. Well, she's kind of sick now. And the "moving away from her family to somewhere for sure", must be tearing her apart. I think is part of what's the problem. She wants to be with you but she doesn't want to stay away from people that can help her when she's old and she cares about.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 I think is part of what's the problem. She wants to be with you but she doesn't want to stay away from people that can help her when she's old and she cares about. She has a choice to make, doesn't she? Who knows, although I'm older than she is, I may be her best bet for care in her "twilight" years. Ya think?
Outcast Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Love isn't about counting up percentages and adding up scores. Yes, sometimes you have to give 300% when the other person isn't able to do much at all. Even when medicated, she's broken. Think of her in a wheelchair. Competent or not, something will never function perfectly. Expecting her to give her 'fair share' may, in fact, not be fair. You might have to resolve to be the 125% half of the relationship. I agree that the prospect of moving away from all that's familiar may be causing her distress. I have a friend who has bipolar 2 and she is very disturbed by change. Worse, you said 'you' made the decision and that was not the plural 'you'. You can't really drag these sorts of people about and expect them to snap sharp just because you think they ought. If you haven't tried Al-Anon and/or counselling, you might wish to. A different approach on your part may help to mitigate the troubles on her part. I wish you luck.
hidee79 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I'm a young woman who has bi-polar 2 and borderline personality disorder. It warms my heart to know that there are men who will stick by a "flawed" partner.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 It warms my heart to know that there are men who will stick by a "flawed" partner. My wife characterized herself as "defective." I prefer to think of her, and you, as "challenged." It's not easy for any of us, but it is doable. Love counts!
OpenBook Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Perhaps it's not meant to be. Curm, that was the first sentence in your thread post. Are you having doubts? What is this referring to?
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Curm, that was the first sentence in your thread post. Are you having doubts? What is this referring to? Perhaps commitment isn't meant to be easy. Perhaps it's a test of character, values and will for a reason.
TechDude Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Perhaps commitment isn't meant to be easy. Perhaps it's a test of character, values and will for a reason. Without challenges, there is no character building. There are some good examples of SO's discussed around here who, despite being mature adults (eg late 30s or older) appear to have had an easy life and are self focussed, completely oblivious to their aching partner. I wonder if any of these people will ever learn to genuinely care for others before it is too late and their first real challenge is coping with their partner leaving . Whether or not it seems fair, some of us seem to be thrown more difficult challenges than others (though I'm not sure if it is more difficult by virtue of the challenge itself or the nature of the challenged person). Curmudgeon, I feel for you. My wife has had severe treat-resistant depression for over 7 years. There is no end in sight. I have no illusions that I'm a wonderful partner myself (and I'm not looking for sympathy) ... I have plenty of room to grow. And, as others have pointed out here on many occasions, the only person I can change is me. Some people may have a difficult (perhaps cheating) partner to challenge them. You and I have ill partners to help us build character. I wish things were different. All I can do is work on me (and there is plenty to work on).
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 You and I have ill partners to help us build character. I wish things were different. All I can do is work on me (and there is plenty to work on). We both wish things were different. If I had one wish I knew would be fulfilled it would be to make my wife well. Since that's not likely to happen, all I can do is be as loving and supportive as possible while still maintaining reasonable boundaries as to what I'm willing to accept behaviorally, and what I'm not.
Kasan Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I don't know how I missed this thread, but I have great faith that things will work out for the both of you in the end. Your wife took that hard first step--she has made the choice to try to regain her life back. It's so good that you post here, even though I'm sure that it's very painful. In this throw away society, it's important that we see someone stand by their vows, even when "it's all day hard" (credit Gunny) as we don't get to choose what challenges we have in our marriages.
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