mishy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 You should consider that maybe you feel "calm" because you know what is going to happen? You know that he will attempt another "round" and that predictability, although you find the whole thing with him draining- that predictability is comforting?? Do you know what i mean?
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Yeah, maybe a little...but on the other hand, I also know that I am going to be able to tell him to leave me alone when he does show back up, so in a way, the power has shifted away from him and back to me, which is where it firmly belongs. I don't mean to make it sound like a game, because it isn't. But previously, he was in control even of my emotions, because I allowed that to be. Now, I am fully in control of what I feel and what I do. And he can never take that away from me again.
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 I am scared to go to sleep because I am scared of dreaming about him/this. I took some xanax, but I can't fall alseep yet. I don't feel as strong as i did a few hours ago, in that I want to write him a scathing email, but I won't because it is what he expects and gets off on. I'm so angry, and I feel humiliated and betrayed. I'm so glad I mentioned to so few people (including my parents) that we were going to start dating again. I am so glad I could save face with my daughters by telling them that I had decided to not see him anymore due to lack of trust (which essentially is truth because even if he had not stood me up and done this again, that would have to have been the eventual outcome because the lack of trust would have destroyed us both). I just feel so incredibly alone right this minute. I can't even get my dog to get up on the bed with me, lol.
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 You hit the nail on the head, sister! We DON'T need them. They just clutter up what is a wonderful existance in this world. Who needs toxins in their lives...? Surely not us! Life is just too short to be miserable. And I believe the key to healing with these men is to love OURSELVES. Surely if we do that, we will never settle for less than what we know we deserve. And that should make it easier to walk away. I wish I could learn to love myself because right this minute I am filled with self-loathing. Not for feeling that I did anything to cause this, but for letting it happen in the first place, second place, blah blah blah.
Walking away Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I wish I could learn to love myself because right this minute I am filled with self-loathing. Not for feeling that I did anything to cause this, but for letting it happen in the first place, second place, blah blah blah. Don't turn this inward at yourself. Heck, I let MY nightmare back after four months of being okay without him. Sometimes I trust too much too. And with the right person, that is a good thing. But with the WRONG person, it gets us here. Hang in there.
Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Don't waste your time and energy on someone who probably think you're a waste of his time.. Move on.. you don't need jerks like that.
sedona Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Don't turn this inward at yourself. Heck, I let MY nightmare back after four months of being okay without him. Sometimes I trust too much too. And with the right person, that is a good thing. But with the WRONG person, it gets us here. Hang in there. And the art is learning to tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong so that you give the right guy a chance and don't let the wrong one get to you.
Lishy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Hey dont beat yourself up, all you are guilty of is holding onto something that is not worth holding on to! You are doing what we have all done at some point ... I know from experience that you need to let him go. Grieve and do what you have to BUT don't arranange to see him again.
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Hey dont beat yourself up, all you are guilty of is holding onto something that is not worth holding on to! You are doing what we have all done at some point ... I know from experience that you need to let him go. Grieve and do what you have to BUT don't arranange to see him again. I am feeling grief, that is true. I'm not ready to delete the emails just yet, but I also know that I won't agree to meet with him anymore. I feel like I set myself up for this because I was the one that suggested we get together. He asked would we ever make it work and I said yes, and in the past we couldn't know because you deprived us of ever finding out. So was he playing w/ me? Was this all some kind of huge mindf...? I want so badly not to think that, but it's a little hard not to. I know I won't contact him again, so if I don't hear from him well, off we go into our lives apart. I am hurting, but I also feel on the mend. I was in such a good place last week before he emailed me.
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 And the art is learning to tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong so that you give the right guy a chance and don't let the wrong one get to you. At this point, I feel like I won't ever be able to trust anyone. That is a horrible feeling!
Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 At this point, I feel like I won't ever be able to trust anyone. That is a horrible feeling! Tst .. tst.. tst.. take this as a life experience.. be careful about giving yourself emotionally ... you have to guard your heart... I know it's easier said than done.. You have to learn to be emotionally independant, and lessons like that might help you in your life 'cheminement' (not sure of the translation - advancement)
Lishy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 You say you are not ready to change your email address but you admit that you felt better when he didnt contact you - Do you think that maybe it is what you need to do?
Walking away Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Lishy is right. I, too, feel peace when I don't hear from my guy. It is when I DO hear from him that I get all messed up. Let peace be your guide.
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Well I don't think he will even contact me, the more I think about it. If he was going to, why hasn't he? It's now Sunday morning, and I haven't spoken to him since 6:00 Friday evening. The one time on Friday that I did try to call, around 8 or so, his phone was off (I assumed that was to avoid hearing from me, but who knows). He has not been on line since Friday, either. Look, there is the smallest, most remote chance that some odd strange thing could have happened that kept him from contacting me:D but I'm really, I think in reality, he isn't going to. He may wonder if I'm going to contact him, but I'm not. So we can both just move on and not change email addresses that have been with us for years. I don't think I matter to him or this wouldn't have happened at all. Soul mates...bah. Soul mates don't do this kind of crap to one another. Thoughtful kind people don't either, regardless of if they are soul mates or not. The very idea of the word makes me nauseous as I write it.
sedona Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Soul mates...bah. Soul mates don't do this kind of crap to one another. Thoughtful kind people don't either, regardless of if they are soul mates or not. True. Wonder when my heart will realize this!
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 I don't have an answer for you because I am sitting here today among the walking wounded. I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, confused, frustrated. I want to contact him and say WTF were you thinking? Did you mean ANYthing you said to me this week? Am I the one who is insane here? (I guess I am, I went back.) Anyway, hearts are much slower than brains. We are smart women, we just need our hearts to catch up to our brains!
Lishy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 write a list of every bad point he has Then read them every time you feel bad!
LuCidiTy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 "In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes, for they in thee a thousand errors note. But ’tis my heart that loves what they despise."
Author Far Behind Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 "In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes, for they in thee a thousand errors note. But ’tis my heart that loves what they despise." Ugh, how true. How frustrating.
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