cho Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 My bf and I started having problems a month before we broke up. Two things happened at the same time that made me moody and unhappy. My mother fell critically ill and I started a new and stressful job. I lost my temper with him a few times. I also pushed him away when we made out. For a man, that must be one of the biggest forms of rejection. Although he said he understood I had a lot on my plate, he felt that I would take it out on him if I truly respected and admired him. He also compared me with his ex, who basically put him in the centre of her universe. He felt that I am taking him for granted the way he had taken her for granted. He started to think he had made a huge mistake in breaking up with her. After all, who loved him more? Certainly not me. I begged for another go, and even refused to let go of his hand one night. This only pushed him further away. Last week, I found out that he had not been upfront with me about some things during our relationship. We talked, and he apologised for being an idiot. When I didn't make a big deal out of it, he thanked me for making it easier for him. During the conversation, I also encouraged him to work things out with his ex, if she is what he really needs to be happy. It wasn't jujitsu -- had never heard of the concept then! I told him that because I honestly wanted him to make the best decision for himself. Well, everything that I said floored him because he was expecting me to be still trying desperately to work on OUR relationship. Instead, I was quite happy to agree to the breakup. For the first time since asking for a breakup (a month and a half ago), he was no longer pushing me away, maybe because I was no longer pleading my cause. I decided to end the conversation first, and he said "let's talk again". I know NC works if you have been taken for granted. My question is: does NC work if you had taken someone for granted, and he is comparing you to his ex (and you are coming up short)? I know NC is the way to go now because whenever I tell him how much I cae about him, he would go red in the face and run. But what if the problem started because he felt I didn't care that much? I am... confused. *Sigh. The web we spin for ourselves...
Ronni_W Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I know NC is the way to go now ... But what if the problem started because he felt I didn't care that much? I am... confused. Well, according to him, the problem DID start because he wasn't feeling well enough cared for and respected. (Though, IMHO, he was not being to caring and considerate of your situation at that time...he acted like a baby when you needed someone with a little more strength.) But how it started is in the past. You have subsequently offered him proof positive that you DO care VERY MUCH for his happiness! Give him the time and space to digest your new message. If he is mature enough, he'll be able to let go of his old thoughts about what caused the problem, and accept the new evidence that what he thought was, in fact, inaccurate. Go with your gut, and stick with NC!
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Interesting-you and I are in the same boat. I took my ex for granted and she dumped me. I tried and tried and tried to make it right, and she wouldnt have it. Im crushed. I know what you are saying, you are concerned that NC will only fill his idea that you take him for granted, and you feel that you should prove to him otherwise. However, it sounds like you have tried that route. Go NC. You have to remember, that you did take him for granted and he stuck around for a while like that--it might be too much for him to handle you being overly aggressive--he might not believe it'll llast OR he is too hurt to accept it. He resents you, you hurt him and he doesnt trust you. He needs to heal and he needs to miss you..If you feel that you have said everything you need to (Im sorry, I wouldnt push you away again, etc..), then back off..he will come back if he loves you... Good luck sweeetheart .much love to you You seem really sweet--I hope it works out
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Thank you, both! Total NC it shall be then -- I hope I live to tell about it. It's a bit complicated too. His ex is in a relationship with someone else (after trying for one year to reconcile), but she told me she would take him back in a second...
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