Grace112 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I swear that I've tried. I went to counseling and I started and kept with an exercise routine. I've gone out dancing with friends and I've dated a few guys. I haven't tried to contact him and haven't heard from him in at least 6 months. I'm doing everything that I should be doing, but every night I still cry. I can't help feeling like a fool. Like I'm missing the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss him so much and can't bear to even touch the wedding dress that I was 6 weeks away from wearing. I don't know what to do any more because it just doesn't seem like it's helping. I'd give up all the strides I've made for myself to just be with him again. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made and want so badly for another chance. I know that if you love someone, all you should want is for his/her happiness. I wish the thought of that made me happy. All it does is make me feel foolish that I lost the one I love most in this world.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Do you really think he was the best thing for you? He is not with you anymore. He has not contacted you in 6 months. I don't know what led to the breakup (if it was b/c of a blunder on your part or his) but the face remains: he is gone and hasn't looked back. Perhaps it's time for you to do the same. You've been occupying yourself...but maybe you need to ACTIVELY stop thinking about him. Whatever power he held over you, do not allow it to continue. The mind is a powerful thing. You think of him because you allow yourself to do it. It is not out of your control.
Author Grace112 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Thanks for your honest response Ocean-Blue. Was he the best thing for me? I don't know. His past infidelities and current lies had me questioning him in the months leading up to the wedding. I don't know which came first, me wondering if he was having an emotional affair with a certain co-worker or the actual emotional affair. I guess that's the biggest question I have - if something I did or said caused this whole thing to spiral out of control. If it's something I did, I'd give anything in the world to fix it. In terms of absolutely no contact from him, that's not 100% true. My engagement ring was under my name because his credit was poor. He hadn't made any payments since he called off the wedding. Since Valentine's Day, he's made 2. I haven't acknowledged them to him. I figured it was just a guilty conscience because he's oh so happy with his new "wife" and kids.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Thanks for your honest response Ocean-Blue. Was he the best thing for me? I don't know. His past infidelities and current lies had me questioning him in the months leading up to the wedding. I don't know which came first, me wondering if he was having an emotional affair with a certain co-worker or the actual emotional affair. I guess that's the biggest question I have - if something I did or said caused this whole thing to spiral out of control. If it's something I did, I'd give anything in the world to fix it. In terms of absolutely no contact from him, that's not 100% true. My engagement ring was under my name because his credit was poor. He hadn't made any payments since he called off the wedding. Since Valentine's Day, he's made 2. I haven't acknowledged them to him. I figured it was just a guilty conscience because he's oh so happy with his new "wife" and kids. So he had an emotional affair? Does it matter if your distrust of him led to the EA? The point is, he had one! You didn't trust him. Your gut was telling you not to trust him. Imagine what would've happened if you had gotten married to him. Imagine the hurt and pain you would've felt at that time. I think you are in a better position now. Sure he's not around, but really, why would you want to be with someone you don't trust? It would've driven you nuts. You'd be constantly questioning things and getting on his nerves and freaking yourself out in the process. Even if you are in pain and long for him, remember that he wasn't good for you. It's sort of like kicking a bad habit, right? You want that smoke badly...you long for it. There are times in the day when you'll do anything to have it. But really, it wasn't good for you. It was slowly killing your insides. Your body and mind will get used to it. Eventually, your heart will follow too. Don't give up on yourself and allow your brain to think it wants him. You want him b/c you were used to him. You think he was it b/c you can't imagine another person. It's hard to see that there is more out there for you when it hasn't happened yet. You just cling to the past and remember the good stuff. Well snap out of it! Remind yourself about the negative crap you went through. The constant worry. The queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. The jealousy you felt when you thought of him with someone (emotionally or otherwise). Release the toxin that is him from your blood. You CAN do it. I've seen others do it and they are so much happier now (I swear). You will be too...you just need to give yourself that opportunity.
City_girl Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Ohh God, no wonder you aren't getting any better. You are so knee deep in denial that you can't get out from under. He wasn't a good man and yet you blame yourself? He was ambiguous at least with this other person and left you to foot the bill for the ring? I think most would say you had a lucky escape but you see someone else when you look at this man who hasn't seen fit to pay the ring off or even contact you. He is a looser and you need to see that or you will mourn forever and never move on. You will get older and it will be harder, do it now. Burn the dress and let him go with it. He's not the only man in the world as hard as that is to believe. My bf died in my arms,, he didn't want to leave me but after he died I built him up so high no one could compare. In order to move on I had to realise he was just a man and there will be another man out there who can love me too. He will always be the one but now I see there can be one for me too. I urge you to step out from under this burn the dress it means nothing to him, you mean nothing to him,. He dioesn't care about you, is he rea;lly worth loosing one more nights sleep over?
SarahT111 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Even if you are in pain and long for him, remember that he wasn't good for you. It's sort of like kicking a bad habit, right? You want that smoke badly...you long for it. There are times in the day when you'll do anything to have it. But really, it wasn't good for you. It was slowly killing your insides. Your body and mind will get used to it. Eventually, your heart will follow too. Don't give up on yourself and allow your brain to think it wants him. You want him b/c you were used to him. You think he was it b/c you can't imagine another person. It's hard to see that there is more out there for you when it hasn't happened yet. You just cling to the past and remember the good stuff. Thanks ocean_blue! I really liked this! Its really true!! Im having one of those days where I reeeeeally long for him and think im never going to find anyone like him and reading this really helped! Thanks
0hpenelope Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Grace112, try harder.. I'm coming from my experience where, when I felt myself slipping, I would just use sheer force while saying "No. You're not trying hard enough. You can't be in this roller coaster forever and vertigo runs in your family.." While we have differences in circumstance, length of time we were together with those guys, etc. we're coming from the same place and that's "How the heck do we get over this? I need to, I just don't know where to start." So, I'm sorry if my response came across as disregarding that you're trying. It's not that at all. It's just that my friends have exercised tough love on me and my situation and say "I know you're trying and that's good. You're being active in your efforts. But you should try harder." For me, it worked. Perhaps, it may work for you too.
pigeonsid Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Try looking from a longer perspective. I've been trying to keep doing this too. When I look back to where I was 5 years ago, the guys I was fixated on don't even show up on my radar any more. When I think about what crushes I had on them, and how little I care about them now - I just keep telling myself that 5 years from now all this heartache won't mean anything. I'll look back and understand how ill-suited my ex was to me, and I'll be happier. Just like how, when I was with my ex, I was so grateful that all my prior relationships hadn't worked out, because my ex was so perfect for me. But logically I know that he just seemed perfect because he made me happy and I was willing to overlook all his flaws. The pain sucks, but it will go away one day. And you have to keep telling yourself that rationally - you are better off without this guy. It's a good thing that you didn't get married to him, and one day when you are with your true life partner you'll be grateful that this relationship ended and that you avoided lots of future misery.
mike5770 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I have a great idea...use the wedding dress and everything else you have that still represents him and start a fire with it...(unless there are some dangerous chemicals). I know it is hard....I still think about a girl I never even had one date with but became good friends with until I screwed it up from excessive drinking and jealousy. I just saw her again and she totally blew me off....I know that pain in your stomach that feels like a hot sword on fire...I felt it again on Thursday....she can still do it to me..except it got better after 12 hours and that is when I know I am moving on...Good luck to you..it does get better..if ever so slowly.
Author Grace112 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Thanks to everyone for their words of advice. I know I need to remind myself of how tough it was for me - the shame I felt when I realized he was pursuing yet another co-worker and how ill I was because of the constant stress. Reading everyone's words is a good reminder for me. It's far too easy for me to wish for what could've been and to remember the good times than it is to try to druge up the painful past. I feel jealous and I feel sad when I remember the good times. I wonder if his new "wife" and kids are living the life that could've been mine. If I did something differently or said something better, would it be my life and not hers? I know such thoughts are fruitless because things are what they are. I'll try harder.
Recommended Posts