k8bo Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) while I haven't made a final decision on this yet, I'm wondering how i should do this. (If I think about breaking up with her a lot is this a sign that i should?) anyway, we're 24, dating for almost 4 years, living together for about 8 months. Apartment lease is for a year, so there are 4-5 months left. She is not from this area, family and friends are in another state. She's very attached to me and very dependent on me. She's made it clear that she wants to marry me. This will no doubt be devastating to her. I feel awful writing about it. Not sure how to handle this one. I'd like to wait out the lease to keep things clean. I know I dont have my heart in the relationship anymore, and I feel badly about hanging onto it and wasting her time when she could be with someone who loves her back the way she deserves to be. I've been thinking about breaking up with her for a while, and then I moved in with her! I am such a coward about breaking up with her because I know how much it will hurt her. I'd almost rather stay with her to avoid this. Unless someone kicks my ass and tells me what I need to hear I will not have the courage to end this relationship and it will drag on for years. Anyone else been in this situation and has some advice? edit: sorry new here- can someone move this to the correct thread (break up section) Edited March 22, 2008 by k8bo
Ocean-Blue Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 What exactly are the reasons you want to breakup? Do you think that perhaps you moved in a little too early? Perhaps you two just need some space. Do you think that living separately but still staying in the R will help? Why did you fall for her in the first place? Has she changed much over the years? Have you? Do you think you can get back to that place once again? When did you notice this change in your feelings? Was it before she talked about marriage? After? Can you see yourself with someone else? Are you comfortable with her being with someone else? Just some things to think about. But really, if you REALLY feel like it's done and you are just in it for her, I say end it sooner than later. She may resent you for not bringing this up earlier.
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Do not wait! It's only going to hurt worse in the long run! The more time into the relationship, the harder it's gonna be! Were you having these thoughts before moving in with her? Is there reasons why your heart isn't in it as much? Could you just be feeling the relationship getting past the infatuated phase?
Author k8bo Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 I had feelings about breaking up before we moved in together. Moving in together was more of a financial decision now that i think about it. I'm really afraid to break up with her because I don't want to regret it later on. Thought if we moved in together I would know for sure what I should do. There really isn't a good reason to break up that's what makes this hard. She is just really in love with me and wants so much attention and I just do not feel the same way. I feel like it's just not fair to her. I used to think I was going to marry this girl. But lately I just can't see myself getting married to anyone. She wants marriage and i'm not sure I'll ever want to get married. I really don't like the idea of living one of those typical family lifestyles. I feel like I should be out on my own. I cannot see myself with anyone else. I am not interested in any other girl. I really just want to be single. I just need space, I am kind of selfish and only think about myself so I'm not really giving her the attention she deserves. The thought of her being with someone else used to repulse me, but I don't think I'd really mind anymore (as long as we were broken up). She is a great girl, and if I was older and looking to get married I'd probably be looking for someone like her.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Then you should tell her ASAP. Explain to her that you need your space and that you really don't share the same views as her in terms of marriage, etc. Make sure you explain your feelings to her (so that she's not left wondering). The longer you wait, the harder it will be. She'll feel betrayed that you felt this way but didn't share it with her. Also, be prepared to answer her questions. She will likely be angry and feel cheated because you did not feel this way before. She'll want to know what happened to make you feel this way now (when before you did not).
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Never never move in with someone for those reasons! With that said, I agree, with the previous post - you need to talk to her asap. My ex fiance and I had this problem, and it hurt bad, but I was glad he had the talk with me instead of just continuing on for my sake. I'm curious though, if you can't see yourself with anyone else, is there another reason for these feelings?
Author k8bo Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 any tips for falling back in love with someone? this might work out better...
Ocean-Blue Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 any tips for falling back in love with someone? this might work out better... You can't just will yourself to fall back "in love" with someone. It's a matter of chemistry, timing and compatibility. If you were in love with her at one point, perhaps you can go back there again. This is why I asked you if you remember why you fell for her in the first place. Try to figure out what it was that changed. It's a different story if you never really felt that intense spark with her...if you two just were together sans the romance. But if you were into her and in love at some point, then perhaps you two can work on it to get it back. But this will take a lot of thought on your part. It will require you to communicate your concerns to her. She won't be able to fix it if she doesn't even know it's broken (for you). Why do you ask about falling in love? I thought you said you do not want a M or a R for that matter? Are you feeling guilt and trying to salvage this R for her sake? Or is there something else that is the matter?
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 any tips for falling back in love with someone? this might work out better... You REALLY need to be sure she is what you want. You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone. However, I believe that if you truly want things to work out, you need to figure out what caused the decrease in your feelings for her. Did things just become routine? Did you move in together too fast? Maybe you guys just fell into that comfortable stage? Even still you mentioned that you moved in with her for financial reasons, not because you were ready for that level of commitment.
Author k8bo Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 thanks for your help guys, i really appreciate it. Sorry my mind is all over the place right now. I really need to think this one out more before asking for further advice. things that attracted me to her, I can't really explain, it was just one of those connections where I feel like she really understood me. I'm not really sure why i feel different about her now. I'm just not that into the relationship. She's difficult to live with, very nagging... a lot of it reminds me of how my parents relationship was (and is) growing up, fighting all the time. I've fought with my gf almost every day since moving in. We hadn't had sex in 6 months. I told her that I was planning on getting my own place after this lease ended and she's been trying to be the perfect gf since then. No fights at all. in fact, the level of stress in this apartment has gone down significantly which confirms that all the fights were her fault. I might just have "the grass is greener" syndrome. I live in a big city and i see all my single guy friends always having fun hanging out. I feel like i'm missing some of this. What if i break up and realize it isn't that fun being single?
Ocean-Blue Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 thanks for your help guys, i really appreciate it. Sorry my mind is all over the place right now. I really need to think this one out more before asking for further advice. things that attracted me to her, I can't really explain, it was just one of those connections where I feel like she really understood me. I'm not really sure why i feel different about her now. I'm just not that into the relationship. She's difficult to live with, very nagging... a lot of it reminds me of how my parents relationship was (and is) growing up, fighting all the time. I've fought with my gf almost every day since moving in. We hadn't had sex in 6 months. I told her that I was planning on getting my own place after this lease ended and she's been trying to be the perfect gf since then. No fights at all. in fact, the level of stress in this apartment has gone down significantly which confirms that all the fights were her fault. I might just have "the grass is greener" syndrome. I live in a big city and i see all my single guy friends always having fun hanging out. I feel like i'm missing some of this. What if i break up and realize it isn't that fun being single? The bolded parts are what you need to tell her. Simply informing her that you are moving out is not enough (if you want to save this R). You need to tell her why you aren't feelin' it anymore. Because then, any change on her part will be because she understands...not b/c she's blindly trying to save the R. Does that make sense? It sounds to me like you two just need some space. You are burnt out and overwhelmed.
Vertex Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) I agree with Ocean-Blue here -- those are actual reasons. I would concur that it just sounds like you're a little overextended and adjusting to something you might not be entirely ready for. I think everyone in a relationship at some point has envy for people who are single and just go around having fun without the responsibilities of having a relationship, especially when you've moved in together. That requires a lot of compromise and learning to be happy but while sharing the same space, which can be difficult if you're wanting more of it. What is it about the single life that is so appealing to you, by the way? Are you into nightlife or drinking with your guy friends and that sort of thing? You can still do that even when you're in a relationship -- you just need to talk it out. If you're wanting to be single so you can play around with other women, then that's another story. But it sounds like you do indeed care for your girlfriend and that this is perhaps not the case. It sounds like you are just after space (especially if you've been nagged, people don't like to be constantly told what to do and it only leads to a sort of "rebellion" and a "I'll do whatever the hell I want"-syndrome) and fun without getting hammered by the "space constraints" of a relationship. However, I'd argue that you can still get the best of both worlds here. As long as you can pinpoint exactly what it is you want, you can discuss these things with your gf and see what can happen. It's certainly better than breaking her heart if you can see this relationship going somewhere with a little talk and compromise. If you were indeed single, how would you spend your time and how would this differ from how you currently spend your time, and what are the things you'd see yourself doing that you cannot do now? Edited March 22, 2008 by Vertex
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 You definitely need to talk to your gf about these concerns. She might be acting like the perfect gf now, but if she doesn't know exactly what your concerns are, it's likely the problems will resurface. As far as going out - I see no problem with that as long as you're not cheating on her. Everyone needs their space in any type of relationship. There's no reason why you can't go have fun. You need to find a good balance between your relationship and life outside of your relationship.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Oh my gosh, you are so young, don't waste anymore time with someone you are not in love with. It is clear you are not, it's no one's fault, it just is. Don't try to "work it out." It won't. The relationship was good at one point but it has run its course. You also stated that there was nagging and fighting a lot, but now that has stopped due to her efforts, yet you STILL don't feel it. You just don't love her, get out. She is not the only woman on earth, you will meet others and you deserve to have that chance and like you said, she deserves to have the chance to meet some other guy who really loves her.
Walk Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 things that attracted me to her, I can't really explain, it was just one of those connections where I feel like she really understood me. She's difficult to live with, very nagging... I've fought with my gf almost every day since moving in. We hadn't had sex in 6 months. What if i break up and realize it isn't that fun being single? I think you should've dug a little deeper into the problems before they reached this point. Nagging can really kill a persons love for another person, and create resentment. Do you know why she was nagging you? I've found people usually have a reason, maybe not always a legitimate reason, but always a reason. If you haven't done so already, I think you need to explain to her how you see and feel about the relationship (without casting her as the evil villian). I would keep it to discussing how you two interact, and not so much about your future plans. And afterward, give her time to digest it before discussing seperating your lives from each other. Even if you have done that before, try one more time to discuss everything with her. Hear her views, try to clarify how you feel about her actions toward you and how those made you feel. Give it the best shot you can to allow both of you to see eye to eye on the issues. I think this will give her an idea of where the two of you really stand in the relationship, and would allow her time to confront the idea that this relationship isn't working for both of you. She's going to be hurt if you break up with her. Its never easy to have someone tell you they no longer want you in their life. Its hard for you to do to her too because you do care about her. But the most important thing you can do, once you've commited to breaking it off with her, is to consistently convey to her that the relationship is over. If you give even a hint that you might be swayed to change your mind, then it'll give her hope that she could save the relationship. The jumping back and forth between hope and feeling rejected is what makes break-up's so incredibly destructive to people. So stay consistent with your message, and stick to your decision once it's made. Single life is as much fun as the couple life. Its what you make of it. Life is only as good as the effort you put into it. If you want to sit around and mope about what could've been, then life will suck. If you're willing to put in the effort to change your life to more closely resemble what you've imagined, then life will be good. Its all in our heads, so either put your mind into making your life better, or trudge along with things currently the way they are.
Rowdy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If you know this is not the girl you want to spend your life with, then you should end it sooner rather than later. The easiest time would be to wait until your lease is up and then end it, but I don't think that is necessarily the right thing to do. I guess I cannot tell you when and how to end it, but I can tell you that it should be done if you are sure she is not the one. The longer you stay with her the harder it will be.
NuTuDating Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Man, that's a difficult situation. Back when I was an idiot, and tried to "work it out" with my cheater ex-wife, I was in precisely your position, EXCEPT that we had actually bought a house together. No sex, she nagged, etc. So, I asked her to move out, told her we were done, and that was that. It took a bit to get her name off the house, but at least you're just in the apartment! If she loves you, I can't really understand the reason for no sex, unless you're just not into it with her. Nagging and fighting sure can make someone unattractive. But she won't change just because you get married or stay with her or try to "work things out".
Rogue Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Sounds to me that your relationship has run it's natural course and it's not going to get any better no matter how much effort you put into it. Best to finish it as soon as possible. The longer you put it off the harder and more painful it will become. Just be honest with her. Tell her you don't have feeling for her anymore and don't see a future together.
benevolent one Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 you could do what the rest of the cowards do. start being a total Ahole to her, ignore her, disconnect yourself from her, and then when she starts freaking out about it tell her she is crazy, blame it on her and then leave her. or you can just pick up your balls and have a talk with her. tell her how you feel.
mortensorchid Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Whatever you do, don't break it off via email, telephone or text message. Face her. And don't tell her that you hate her friends, hate what she does, think she's weird, etc. Do not chip away at her self esteem because it just makes you feel good about yourself. Walk away with some dignity for the both of you.
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