What does jealousy say about the R?

[Storyrider]

Of the few longer term relationships I've been in, I have only felt jealous in two. With those two, the jealousy was intense. I wouldn't describe it as possessiveness, but more like an intense desire to have his undivided attention and a willingness to fight for that. And the thought of him with someone else was sickening.

 

In my other relationships, no jealousy what so ever, including with my H.

In fact, in these non-jealous relationships I could picture him with someone else without really blinking an eye. It mostly aroused bemusement and curiosity. Nothing more.

 

I don't think the jealousy was fuelled by lack of trust/insecurity because there were at least two SO's I didn't trust, and for good reason, but it didn't cause jealousy, just skepticism and the feeling that I needn't bend over backwards to be good myself.

 

And I know it wasn't about immaturity. It had to do with the character of the relationships. What does this mean? Any theories? Or how about your own experience with this?

Edited March 22, 2008 by Storyrider

[Ocean-Blue]

It's ridiculous really. I've always thought of myself as the "together" kind. Things rarely bothered me. I was totally cool with my ex finding other women beautiful, etc. In fact, like you, I found it amusing that other women were interested in him. When he flirted (in a friendly way) I found it cute. I was curious about his relationships with women but never jealous.

 

With the current bf I've turned into a bit of a jealous freak (at times). I get insecure and have become a total cliche at times. At the core, I am still the same. But I do find myself annoyed/defensive at times. He finds it cute, I find it incredibly frustrating. I never really thought I could be like this.

 

I attribute it to the chemistry. He drives me insane. I find him incredibly sexy. I want all of him. All of his attention and admiration. I don't like to share when it comes to him.

 

Off to the sandbox for me.

[Storyrider]

It's ridiculous really. I've always thought of myself as the "together" kind. Things rarely bothered me. I was totally cool with my ex finding other women beautiful, etc. In fact, like you, I found it amusing that other women were interested in him. When he flirted (in a friendly way) I found it cute. I was curious about his relationships with women but never jealous.

 

With the current bf I've turned into a bit of a jealous freak (at times). I get insecure and have become a total cliche at times. At the core, I am still the same. But I do find myself annoyed/defensive at times. He finds it cute, I find it incredibly frustrating. I never really thought I could be like this.

 

I attribute it to the chemistry. He drives me insane. I find him incredibly sexy. I want all of him. All of his attention and admiration. I don't like to share when it comes to him.

 

Off to the sandbox for me.

Yes, the chemistry. I think that is part of it for me, too. The way you can crave someone, like chocolate.

 

Not all Rs are like that.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know what the reason is, but when I've experienced this form of territorialism, while not intense, I wonder if it's a warning sign.

 

After the ex-H, instead of making me want to possess someone, it makes me want to walk away.

 

Perhaps it's caused by unhealthy dynamics.

 

A little bit of this, I think, is healthy, in that you value someone. Anything that hits a reichter scale, is something you have to examine closely.

[Ocean-Blue]

Yes, the chemistry. I think that is part of it for me, too. The way you can crave someone, like chocolate.

 

Not all Rs are like that.

 

What do you mean not all Rs are like that?

 

I also think my jealousy is partly because of the newness of my R. We've been together for about a year and I think I'm still finding my way around (and still establishing patterns, etc).

 

I think I feel the way I do sometimes b/c I want him to want me as much as I want him. The funny thing is, when he wants me as much as I want him (or more), that sometimes makes me turn away. It's almost like I like being jealous/wanting him intensely...and when he reciprocates, I sometimes question things.

 

Do you think your inability to feel/lack of jealousy is b/c you are not sexually attracted to your H? How do you think you'd feel if he were to have an A? What if he thought co-worker was beautiful and commented that she is sexier than you? Do you think this would get a reaction out of you?

[Storyrider]

Well, I think your "little bit" would probably be my "off the reichter scale," TBF.

 

But I remember this one boyfriend I had. It was on again off again. We were "on" sort of unofficially one Christmas, and a "friend" of mine started coming onto him.

 

In front of a whole room full of party-ers I told her to back off, and that she was just trying to make herself feel better b/c her own boyfriend was off with someone else. Then she called me a b*tch and I think then I said, "F you!"

 

My bf was really turned on and we left the party immediately after.

 

But you must know I am sooo unlike that normally. It was like an out of body experience. But it was justified. She was moving on him and he was enjoying it.

[Ariadne]

Jealousy to me means that you are not at one with the other person.

 

When you are in communion that wouldn't happen.

 

Usually when jealousy happens is because you have your doubts about that relationship, that he doesn't love you or that he/she may betray you for someone else.

[Ocean-Blue]

Well, I think your "little bit" would probably be my "off the reichter scale," TBF.

 

But I remember this one boyfriend I had. It was on again off again. We were "on" sort of unofficially one Christmas, and a "friend" of mine started coming onto him.

 

In front of a whole room full of party-ers I told her to back off, and that she was just trying to make herself feel better b/c her own boyfriend was off with someone else. Then she called me a b*tch and I think then I said, "F you!"

 

My bf was really turned on and we left the party immediately after.

 

But you must know I am sooo unlike that normally. It was like an out of body experience. But it was justified. She was moving on him and he was enjoying it.

 

Maybe b/c I'm on pretend crack but this stuff amuses me. Even with my current bf. If a woman flirts with him or comes unto him...I actually find that amusing. I have a friend who gushes over my bf quite frequently (she's even told me that she would "hit it" if she had the chance). I find this interesting. Hoewver, I have not felt any sort of jealousy.

 

What would get to me is if he were to flirt with someone else (which has not happened). I've found myself getting jealous over his ex gfs (things he's said to them in the past, etc). I understand this is unhealthy and something to "examine" (as TBF pointed out).

[Storyrider]

What do you mean not all Rs are like that?

 

Oh, just reiterating what you were saying about how some Rs have that hot chemistry and some don't.

 

I think I feel the way I do sometimes b/c I want him to want me as much as I want him. The funny thing is, when he wants me as much as I want him (or more), that sometimes makes me turn away. It's almost like I like being jealous/wanting him intensely...and when he reciprocates, I sometimes question things.

Yes, the chase. It can't be too much, but if it is there just enough...it tends to add to the attraction.

 

Do you think your inability to feel/lack of jealousy is b/c you are not sexually attracted to your H? How do you think you'd feel if he were to have an A? What if he thought co-worker was beautiful and commented that she is sexier than you? Do you think this would get a reaction out of you?

 

To be honest, right now, no. It would not bother me. If I thought he was going to abandon my children or something, then yes. But if he said he wanted to have a fling with someone else and still support our family, I don't think I would feel much of anything.

 

(I'm taking this as a hypothetical and in a vacuum. Clearly there would be a more complex reaction IRL.)

Edited March 22, 2008 by Storyrider

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I think your "little bit" would probably be my "off the reichter scale," TBF.

Haha...I won't disagree with that...

 

But I remember this one boyfriend I had. It was on again off again. We were "on" sort of unofficially one Christmas, and a "friend" of mine started coming onto him.

 

In front of a whole room full of party-ers I told her to back off, and that she was just trying to make herself feel better b/c her own boyfriend was off with someone else. Then she called me a b*tch and I think then I said, "F you!"

 

My bf was really turned on and we left the party immediately after.

 

But you must know I am sooo unlike that normally. It was like an out of body experience. But it was justified. She was moving on him and he was enjoying it.

Oh my, I wouldn't do that but I would have loved to have been the fly on the wall, to see Story go ballistic!

 

I would crapped all over him instead, 'cause he's responsible for his own behaviour. Nowadays, I would have probably withdrawn.

[Ocean-Blue]

To be honest, right now, no. It would not bother me. If I thought he was going to abandon my children or something, then yes. But if he said he wanted to have a fling with someone else and still support our family, I don't think I would feel much of anything.

 

I assume then that things are still the same in terms of your romantic feelings for your H.

 

The fact that you are posting about this makes me think you are thinking about your R again (about the lack of romance, etc).

 

Do you want to do anything about this Story? Or are you happy with the status quo?

[Ocean-Blue]

Jealousy to me means that you are not at one with the other person.

 

When you are in communion that wouldn't happen.

 

Usually when jealousy happens is because you have your doubts about that relationship, that he doesn't love you or that he/she may betray you for someone else.

 

My jealousy stems from insecurity. I create my own issues oftentimes.

[Storyrider]

I would crapped all over him instead, 'cause he's responsible for his own behaviour. Nowadays, I would have probably withdrawn.

 

Yes, in that particular situation he was responsible too. The relationship was already on the downturn and unstable. But he actually lost interest in her completely when he saw my rare, b*tchy side.

 

I have a fantasy of going with a lover to a party and both of us getting attention from the opposite sex. Not to an inappropriate degree, like in my last story, but just mild flirtation. And then both of us getting somewhat jealous, letting the tension build to the point of intense desire, finally rushing home to have amazing, mindblowing sex and "reclaim" one another completely.

[Storyrider]

I assume then that things are still the same in terms of your romantic feelings for your H.

 

The fact that you are posting about this makes me think you are thinking about your R again (about the lack of romance, etc).

 

Do you want to do anything about this Story? Or are you happy with the status quo?

 

Well, did you read about our fight and the letter, etc? I'm still digesting that. But it hasn't changed the sexual element. That will require MC at the very least, and he isn't willing to do that now. So we are in sexual limbo.

[pink smartie]

I also think my jealousy is partly because of the newness of my R. We've been together for about a year and I think I'm still finding my way around (and still establishing patterns, etc).

 

I think I feel the way I do sometimes b/c I want him to want me as much as I want him.

 

I am trying to figure out why I get jealous in my brand new relationship so I'm really glad I found this thread. I think what Ocean-Blue says here sums it up for me.

 

I want him to always want to be with me. He has a way of presenting his other plans that drives me crazy. I think I want to be a part of all of his life, even when I'm not there.

 

I was posting on here because I really dislike these feelings of jealousy and I want to understand them so I can get rid of them. But is sounds like some of you are saying that a certain amount of jealousy could be a good thing. Or am I getting this wrong?

[Ocean-Blue]

I have a fantasy of going with a lover to a party and both of us getting attention from the opposite sex. Not to an inappropriate degree, like in my last story, but just mild flirtation. And then both of us getting somewhat jealous, letting the tension build to the point of intense desire, finally rushing home to have amazing, mindblowing sex and "reclaim" one another completely.

 

You and I think so alike!

[Ocean-Blue]

Well, did you read about our fight and the letter, etc? I'm still digesting that. But it hasn't changed the sexual element. That will require MC at the very least, and he isn't willing to do that now. So we are in sexual limbo.

 

Yeah, I browsed through it (mainly near the end, his reaction to the letter, etc).

 

It annoys me a great deal that he is not willing to do MC with you! What is up with that? You are his WIFE. There is clearly a sexual disconnect. Can he not see that? Is he in denial? Is he afraid that the MC will bring up issues he's not ready to face? It is UNFAIR Story for him to hold you back like this. I really hope that with this new assertiveness you've taken on that you eventually get him into MC with you.

 

Your soul and sexual self cannot sit in a corner and wither away and die just b/c he's not ready for freakin' MC.

 

Ugh.

[Storyrider]

Yeah, I browsed through it (mainly near the end, his reaction to the letter, etc).

 

It annoys me a great deal that he is not willing to do MC with you! What is up with that? You are his WIFE. There is clearly a sexual disconnect. Can he not see that? Is he in denial? Is he afraid that the MC will bring up issues he's not ready to face? It is UNFAIR Story for him to hold you back like this. I really hope that with this new assertiveness you've taken on that you eventually get him into MC with you.

 

Your soul and sexual self cannot sit in a corner and wither away and die just b/c he's not ready for freakin' MC.

 

Ugh.

Yeah. There may come a point soon when I need to insist that we go or give him some kind of ultimatum.

[Ocean-Blue]

Yeah. There may come a point soon when I need to insist that we go or give him some kind of ultimatum.

 

I think the letter was a good step in the right direction. He is likely going to need some time to "digest and process" and get used to this part of you. Hopefully in a few months time, he'll be ready to discuss the MC option with you.

 

Frankly, I think he thinks you'll never give him an ultimatum. You're too chicken shiet. No way would my wife, my Story give me an ultimatum. She's too soft.

[Storyrider]

I think the letter was a good step in the right direction. He is likely going to need some time to "digest and process" and get used to this part of you. Hopefully in a few months time, he'll be ready to discuss the MC option with you.

 

Frankly, I think he thinks you'll never give him an ultimatum. You're too chicken shiet. No way would my wife, my Story give me an ultimatum. She's too soft.

Could be. Also, he might assume I wouldn't because he doesn't believe in divorce so he wouldn't even conceive that it is a possibility if things don't get better.

[Ocean-Blue]

Could be. Also, he might assume I wouldn't because he doesn't believe in divorce so he wouldn't even conceive that it is a possibility if things don't get better.

 

I guess you just need to continue on this new path. He's aware there will be change...so he'll be ready for it.

 

You cannot forsake yourself for another (which I'm sure you already know).

 

He is being selfish if he refuses MC. How do you feel about perhaps starting with some MC through your church? How do you suppose he'll react to this suggestion (if you're up for it)?

[norajane]

Jealousy is a fear of losing someone, right? That definition tracks pretty well with when I feel jealousy:

 

- if bf is initiating the flirting with someone else

- if bf is actively and favorably responding to someone who is flirting with him

 

I also have to be really into him for either of those to bother me.

 

And I don't really feel jealousy if someone flirts with bf, but he's just humoring them or not flirting back at all. Nothing wrong with someone admiring him, but if I sense that he's liking it a little "too much", I get uneasy.

 

And, like TBF, I start to consider backing off the relationship. It doesn't get me to a point where I want to fight for him. And it makes me want to leave the scene, too. I feel like, "huh, k, well, then he can have her. I don't want to be around him now."

[Storyrider]

I guess you just need to continue on this new path. He's aware there will be change...so he'll be ready for it.

 

You cannot forsake yourself for another (which I'm sure you already know).

 

He is being selfish if he refuses MC. How do you feel about perhaps starting with some MC through your church? How do you suppose he'll react to this suggestion (if you're up for it)?

I'd prefer something more neutral than the church, but I'm willing to consider that.

[Storyrider]

Jealousy is a fear of losing someone, right? That definition tracks pretty well with when I feel jealousy:

 

- if bf is initiating the flirting with someone else

- if bf is actively and favorably responding to someone who is flirting with him

 

I also have to be really into him for either of those to bother me.

 

And I don't really feel jealousy if someone flirts with bf, but he's just humoring them or not flirting back at all. Nothing wrong with someone admiring him, but if I sense that he's liking it a little "too much", I get uneasy.

 

And, like TBF, I start to consider backing off the relationship. It doesn't get me to a point where I want to fight for him. And it makes me want to leave the scene, too. I feel like, "huh, k, well, then he can have her. I don't want to be around him now."

I'm with you on all this, NJ.

 

I want to feel a tiny bit of possessiveness. I mean, I wouldn't want to spend my days neurotically worrying that someone is going to steal my car. But at the same time I don't want to be one of those people who leaves the windows down and the keys in the ignition without a worry.