This never happened before in any relationship of mine?

[realisticlady73]

I am in a committed, monogamous relationship. He is 46 and I am 34. I am a full time student right now and he works and pays the bills. That was what we agreed on. He is honest, loyal, a great provider, and would do anything for me, I think. Four months ago he just all of a sudden stopped having sex with me. Nothing major happened. I haven't went through any major physical or emotional changes. I talked to him and he said he lost his sex drive all together. He said it has nothing to do with me that he is just stressed out a lot with work etc. and isn't quite sure either why he lost his sex drive. Still, 4 months later, no sex. No cuddling. No kisses. Barely any conversation. No flirting. No I love you's. We have talked about it many times and I have tried being honest, I have tried being patient, being mean, forgetting about it, being sexy, being more loving, being more understanding etc. I feel like we are roommates. We don't talk unless I initiate it. He has never been overly affectionate, but he used to pay attention to me. We never were overly sexually active together, but we did it 2 or more times a week before and now nothing. He says he loves me, likes me, wants to be with me, wants to be with me forever, does not want to lose me, etc. But has no explanation for the total lack of sex and intimacy. Has anyone else ever went through something similar to this and what do you think is really going on? I am positive he is not having an affair, for a multitude of reasons, I know it isn't that.

[sedona]

Yes, this has happened to me. It's happened to lots of people. Stress can of course play a role, as can health problems/medication. If he hasn't done so, it might be worthwhile getting a check-up.

 

My bf (ex as of yesterday) gradually stopped having sex with me, cuddling, hand-holding, everything. I think he just couldn't commit in the end and this was one way it showed. When I first brought it up, he told me that I was just too impatient. Later on he admitted that maybe it wasn't normal to not even be able to hold hands. Finally he told me that although I am absolutely fantastic, he has some inexplicable mental block.

 

It took me a while before I understood what was going on because it happened so gradually. But it seriously affected my self-esteem and made me fairly miserable. I longed to be held by him like I had been before, and he gave me nothing. Sex can be a way of becoming closer to the one you love, but unfortunately it can also be used as a way of creating distance and controlling your partner (whether or not you mean to).

 

You don't say if you feel hurt by this, but if you do then you should know that that is not unusual. If he really means that he loves you and wants to marry you, then this problem has to be talked about and solved. After all, do you really want to live with a sexless marriage?

[Touche]

Well I just have a few questions before I weigh in on this. First of all, how long have you been together?

 

Secondly, does he want kids? Could that be something he's been thinking about?

 

I don't know what to tell you. I mean you and I are the same age and I can't imagine being with a man of 34 (if I were single.) You're bound to be in very different stages in life.

[bejshermanoaks]

Is he on any medications? Also, sometimes men get distant when they are having problems--is he going through anything? Four months is a long time..are you guys having sex at all or less than you did?

[OpenBook]

Three little words: Mid-Life Crisis.

[reliance]

Hasn't happened to me so abruptly. But has happened to me over time as the relationship became old and worn out with time and we were no longer putting any effort in and had lost interest in each other.

[realisticlady73]

he doesn't want children and it's not a physical option for either one of us. I am the one who is 34. We have only been together a year. He has been going through some different things but nothing really major. He says he doesn't know what is wrong with him, he has just all of a sudden lost his sex drive. He seems miserable all the time. Yes it does hurt me and make me angry, so I am miserable and bitchy most of the time.

[LoveLace]

I'd say this should all be addressed professionally...I'm talking about counseling. Especially if he's "miserable" like you say...it's making you miserable too so I think it's time to take it to a therapy type of environment. See if he's willing to do this alone or together. There's no telling if this is a permanent change or a temporary set-back.