LTR problems from non-married couples

[JRnTB]

hello, my name is john and this is my first post.

 

i'm going to try to give you the readers digest version of things so it doesn't turn out too long, so please bare w/ me.

 

i just turn 31years old, and i have been dating my gf for over 7ys. we dated since she was 17 (24 now), and we have never broken up ...well before last week at least. we have also lived together for almost 5yrs now, and purchased a house 4yrs ago this month.

 

we have talked about marriage plenty of times, even did the whole ring shopping thing, but we've always decided to wait and do it right since the whole thing is so expensive.

 

she has been spending time w/ her best friend that is going through a breakup, and i feel that this friend has a BIG influence over her.

 

after spending the weekend w/ her friend over the weekend of the 7th this month, she came home on sunday telling me that she is going to stay w/ her friend for a few days.

 

she is telling me that she feels like she might be missing out on a whole other world she doesnt know about. i have only been her only "real" boyfriend, and she has basically grown up w/ me.

 

she also said that she has had these feelings for the past year, and it's like we are best friends, and not bg/gf.

 

i gave it a week, and this past sunday she called me and told me she wanted to come home. the next day, i she calls me when work is ending and tells me that she wants to move out for a while.

 

i've beend told by women older than her, that almost all of them go through some kind of phase in the mid to late 20's. i don't know if this is an instance of that, or maybe it's kind of a version of the 7 year itch theory.

 

i really don't know how to act about all of this. my mind is going crazy, ive actually had a couple drinks after work during the week which i NEVER do, and have even resorted to talking a valium or xanex to calm my nerves at times.

 

i guess i'm looking for some kind of advice, especially from women who might have gone though the same kind of thing.

 

any experience or input you can share would mean the world to me.

 

thanx in advance,

 

jR

[dreamergrl]

Like you pretty much state - you're all she knows. Maybe she needs to take some time to ensure that this is what she really wants. She probably does really feel as though she missed out on a lot, as many girls didn't spend the first 7 years of their adulthood in a relationship the entire time.

 

I haven't been in her position, but looking back, while I would have loved that type of security in a relationship, I don't think I would have been as happy. My early 20's was a learning experience to find out who I was and what it was I wanted.

[Ocean-Blue]

I was in the same place as your gf a little over a year ago. He was my first and only bf. I grew up with him (met him a little after I had turned 17). I was with him for nearly a decade...

 

From day one I had doubts (not sure if this is the case with your gf). I knew that there was no spark, no chemistry. However, b/c he was such a wonderful guy and looked fantastic "on paper", I stayed much longer than I should've. He was aware of this though. He kept telling me that I'd grown to love him that way...that it was only a matter of time.

 

We spoke of marriage often. My family knew and so did everyone else (our friends, extended family, etc). For me it was like a noose slowly closing in around my neck. I knew I had to get out of it...but at some point, I resigned myself to the situation.

 

I felt for a long time that something was missing. I longed to experience different things. I wanted space and time away from him. We broke up a few times over the years, but truthfully, this time apart didn't help as he always managed to find some way to reconcile with me (I think I went back to him at times too). It was just that I was quite used to him, so I always ended up with him.

 

However, the doubts and confusion got to a point where I knew I had to do something. Marriage was becoming a serious topic of discussion.

 

I suddenly had an epiphany one day (coupled with speaking with someone from my past)...and well...I broke it off with him.

 

He was totally broken and felt betrayed. However, since then, he has moved on (he's engaged to someone now)... He has expressed since then (the few times we spoke) that he is very happy and glad that I broke things off with him. We were never right for each other. It took us breaking up the way we did (him angry, me indifferent) for the both of us to really stay away from each other.

 

Both of us are much happier now. I thank my lucky stars I never stayed. If I had, I'd be planning a wedding to a man I really didn't love in that visceral, raw, passionate way.

 

This is my story. I'm not saying this is necessarily what is going on with you. All I can say is that you need to listen to your gf. Give her the space she requires. It will not only benefit her, but you also. Listen to what she says. When the time is right, ask her what her grievances are (what the specifics are). Ask yourself if these issues are surmountable or if it's time to really let go of each other.

 

Best wishes!

Edited March 22, 2008 by Ocean-Blue

[JRnTB]

.... My early 20's was a learning experience to find out who I was and what it was I wanted.

that is one thing she has mentioned. she really hasn't had the opportunity to really find out who she really is.

[JRnTB]

I was in the same place as your gf a little over a year ago. He was my first and only bf. I grew up with him (met him a little after I had turned 17). I was with him for nearly a decade...

 

From day one I had doubts (not sure if this is the case with your gf). I knew that there was no spark, no chemistry. However, b/c he was such a wonderful guy and looked fantastic "on paper", I stayed much longer than I should've. He was aware of this though. He kept telling me that I'd grown to love him that way...that it was only a matter of time.

 

We spoke of marriage often. My family knew and so did everyone else (our friends, extended family, etc). For me it was like a noose slowly closing in around my neck. I knew I had to get out of it...but at some point, I resigned myself to the situation.

 

I felt for a long time that something was missing. I longed to experience different things. I wanted space and time away from him. We broke up a few times over the years, but truthfully, this time apart didn't help as he always managed to find some way to reconcile with me (I think I went back to him at times too). It was just that I was quite used to him, so I always ended up with him.

 

However, the doubts and confusion got to a point where I knew I had to do something. Marriage was becoming a serious topic of discussion.

 

I suddenly had an epiphany one day (coupled with speaking with someone from my past)...and well...I broke it off with him.

 

He was totally broken and felt betrayed. However, since then, he has moved on (he's engaged to someone now)... He has expressed since then (the few times we spoke) that he is very happy and glad that I broke things off with him. We were never right for each other. It took us breaking up the way we did (him angry, me indifferent) for the both of us to really stay away from each other.

 

Both of us are much happier now. I thank my lucky stars I never stayed. If I had, I'd be planning a wedding to a man I really didn't love in that visceral, raw, passionate way.

 

This is my story. I'm not saying this is necessarily what is going on with you. All I can say is that you need to listen to your gf. Give her the space she requires. It will not only benefit her, but you also. Listen to what she says. When the time is right, ask her what her grievances are (what the specifics are). Ask yourself if these issues are surmountable or if it's time to really let go of each other.

 

Best wishes!

 

ouch, you situation seems to mirror mine quite a bit. though it's hard to say since no one knows the dynamics of someone elses relationship. i can't speak for her, but if there was never any chemistry between us, then i don't think either of us would of been in this relationship this long.

 

but as far as the marriage thing, like you, everyone thought / knew we would be married someday. she would always be the one to bring it up after a night of drinking. i think the "cost too much" money excuse was my own, since she said she really didnt care about how big the ring is, or anything like that. hell, just as recently as december, i was gathering the correct legal documents and picking out a stone, and then surprising her w/ a trip to vegas whenever we had out next vacation together.

 

i want to give her all the time in the world to decide, but the mortgage thing is going to make it difficult to prolong it past a few months. we went into this house together planning on getting married, so two incomes were accounted for. now w/ only one income, things would be very tight financially ...though that is the last thing i'm worrying about. my main concern is her happiness, and what is best for her, i just do not want us to be making the wrong decision.

 

as i said, i'm not sure if ALL couples go through some kinda of phase like this, or if is just a case of her being young and feeling like she has been sheltered for so long.

 

i'm not controlling, i let her do what she wants, but 99% of the time, it's just me and her. i cut off most of my friends just before i met her, and she only has a few that she keeps in contact with, and they were 45 minutes away. she has no friends that are close by that she can hang out with, so maybe that has a lot to do w/ this decision as well.

 

i dunno, im just rambling now ...sorry

[Ocean-Blue]

Perhaps you two should take this time to give yourselves a breather. I know how easy it is to become "just the two of us." You become so insulated that it's hard sometimes.

 

Why not sit down and write stuff out and then have a talk with her? Your come off as a very sincere, caring man. She's lucky to have you. Rather than resent her and get angry at her sudden distancing, you are trying to understand her. This is good.

 

Just talk to her. Tell her that you're willing to give her time and that you'd like to work things out. But also remember: do not be her doormat. Outline your concerns and wants and ask her about hers. You two went into this together and it's only fair that you both discuss what each of you wants.

 

She might just be scared. Talking to the newly single friend may've gotten her thinking about what she's been missing - the life that she thinks she may want... You won't know for sure what's going on till you talk to her. Bear in mind that she may not know what she wants either.

 

All you can do is talk to her and give her time. But really, at some point, something's got to give, right? She can't string you along forever and you cannot wait forever.

 

Good luck.

[AussieJack]

*** I just turn 31years old, and i have been dating my gf for over 7ys. we dated since she was 17 (24 now),

 

>>> AJ says - you are living with a female who is still in her "party" years . Even worse she spent those years in a LTR and not doing the party thing.

 

*** she has been spending time w/ her best friend that is going through a breakup, and i feel that this friend has a BIG influence over her.

 

>>> AJ says - Bad ! The best friend will be angry and blaming of men, and NEEDS your G/f to be her confidante, companion, comforter and wingman (er, wingchick ?) to go hunting for new guys. Therefor, the "best friend" is attempting to poach and recruit your G/f.

 

***after spending the weekend w/ her friend over the weekend of the 7th this month, she came home on sunday telling me that she is going to stay w/ her friend for a few days.

 

AJ says >>> Ahh, The recruiting campaign is working .

 

***she is telling me that she feels like she might be missing out on a whole other world she doesnt know about. i have only been her only "real" boyfriend, and she has basically grown up w/ me.

 

AJ >>>.. Her Best Friend has deliberately painted a glowing picture of the single life to your G/f to try to entice her away from you.

 

***she also said that she has had these feelings for the past year, and it's like we are best friends, and not bg/gf.

 

AJ says >>> YOur G/f thinks that you are boring now and that your relationship is on the skids because her Best Friend has brainwashed her into believing that.

 

***i gave it a week, and this past sunday she called me and told me she wanted to come home. the next day, i she calls me when work is ending and tells me that she wants to move out for a while.

 

AJ says >>> Best Friend came down heavily with horror storuies about you and the G/f the did a 180 about coming home.

 

***i've beend told by women older than her, that almost all of them go through some kind of phase in the mid to late 20's. i don't know if this is an instance of that, or maybe it's kind of a version of the 7 year itch theory.

 

AJ says >>> Crap. Women like this know jack shyte. They just say the first thing that pops into their heads...

 

***i really don't know how to act about all of this. my mind is going crazy, ive actually had a couple drinks after work during the week which i NEVER do, and have even resorted to talking a valium or xanex to calm my nerves at times.

 

i guess i'm looking for some kind of advice, especially from women who might have gone though the same kind of thing.

 

AJ says >>> you don't need advice from women, you need advice from MEN who have had to deal with a woman who has acted like this.

 

 

any experience or input you can share would mean the world to me.

 

thanx in advance,

 

jR

 

MY advice. Leave her alone for a week or three. Do not chase, beg . plead or try to " talk " to her.. If she comes over for more stuff, say nothing and just chat in a friendly way. Do NOT argue.

Start working on yourself and your independence . Hit the gym. Start eating real food . Join a tennis/dance /golf club...recruit a friend to talk to. Date another woman ..Quit drinking and remove all the things in your life that do not bring you joy and fulfilment. Live for YOU and put YOU first in all things. YOu may not undersatnd what I am really suggesting and why, but just do it..

 

THis life tip may give you a clue -

"What you cannot say NO to is your master and you it's slave ."

 

Carry on ,soldier.

[Balthazar]

I agree with Jack, JR.

Your woman walked out on your relationship.

That's the reality of the situation.

Replace her with a new, better model, let her sort things out with her girlfriend.

[JRnTB]

MY advice. Leave her alone for a week or three. Do not chase, beg . plead or try to " talk " to her.. If she comes over for more stuff, say nothing and just chat in a friendly way. Do NOT argue.

Start working on yourself and your independence . Hit the gym. Start eating real food . Join a tennis/dance /golf club...recruit a friend to talk to. Date another woman ..Quit drinking and remove all the things in your life that do not bring you joy and fulfilment. Live for YOU and put YOU first in all things. YOu may not undersatnd what I am really suggesting and why, but just do it..

 

THis life tip may give you a clue -

"What you cannot say NO to is your master and you it's slave ."

 

Carry on ,soldier.

 

i've been doing some of those things already even before i came here. i'm getting back into tennis, i've been to they gym every other day for at least 2hrs each time. i don't really know about quitting the drinking. its a crutch, and i know it's a depressant, but it helps w/ the pain. and as far as dating another woman, i gave my all to this one, thought everything was fine, and look where that has gotten me. if things stay the way they are, i cannot bring myself to date anyone else. it wouldnt be fair to the other person, knowing my heart isnt into it.

[AriaIncognito]

i've been doing some of those things already even before i came here. i'm getting back into tennis, i've been to they gym every other day for at least 2hrs each time. i don't really know about quitting the drinking. its a crutch, and i know it's a depressant, but it helps w/ the pain. and as far as dating another woman, i gave my all to this one, thought everything was fine, and look where that has gotten me. if things stay the way they are, i cannot bring myself to date anyone else. it wouldnt be fair to the other person, knowing my heart isnt into it.

 

First of all, how much sense does it make to you that you that you're trying to treat your depression with something that is a depressant??? Come on now. Apply some logic to this. Drinking as your crutch, because you're depressed, only serves to make you MORE DEPRESSED. Stop the cycle now.

 

As for your overall situation, I can't 100% relate, but well, I did live with my for 3 years, and did have a lot of the same feelings your gf is feeling. Meaning, feeling like best friends, but not like bf/gf. Only my ex also felt that way. Neither of us were willing/wanting to give up the tremendous friendship we'd built over the 4 years.

 

In the end, we did split up. He met the woman of his dreams one month later and was engaged within 5 months. He had his happy ending. Me, I'm still looking for mine. It's been 6 or 7 years now since this split, he's been married with 2 kids now for a while. We are still acquaintances, but no longer best friends.

 

Sometimes, you just need to let go. In hindsight I'm 100% able to see he and I weren't right for eachother, how neither of us were totally happy, and how both of us deserved more. This will happen for you too, if you end up down this route, which lets face it, it seems that you are on the path.

 

Chin up, good luck, and please stop with the drinking.

[AussieJack]

i've been doing some of those things already even before i came here. i'm getting back into tennis, i've been to they gym every other day for at least 2hrs each time. i don't really know about quitting the drinking. its a crutch, and i know it's a depressant, but it helps w/ the pain. and as far as dating another woman, i gave my all to this one, thought everything was fine, and look where that has gotten me. if things stay the way they are, i cannot bring myself to date anyone else. it wouldnt be fair to the other person, knowing my heart isnt into it.

 

When women say things like " We are like best friends , not G/f and B/f , she is really telling you that her FEELINGs of lust, romantic attachment and ATTRACTION have gone down and her FEELINGS of COMFORT have gone up to the point of where the relationship is predictable and dull.

 

Men need to grasp this point about woman. That women need to feel FEELINGS of excitement and stimulation - on TOP of the feelings of COMFORT. She needs COMFORT PLUS EXCITEMENT.

The reason that men get cheated on after working hard to

"provide " for a woman's SECURITY is that he does not understand her priorities and how they work and thinks that if he is a good "provider" then she will be a great wife or G/f in return.

Then he finds out that while he has been slaving at the office to fulfil her whims and wants, she has been boinking Pablo the pool guy.

[Rooster_DAR]

When women say things like " We are like best friends , not G/f and B/f , she is really telling you that her FEELINGs of lust, romantic attachment and ATTRACTION have gone down and her FEELINGS of COMFORT have gone up to the point of where the relationship is predictable and dull.

 

Men need to grasp this point about woman. That women need to feel FEELINGS of excitement and stimulation - on TOP of the feelings of COMFORT. She needs COMFORT PLUS EXCITEMENT.

The reason that men get cheated on after working hard to

"provide " for a woman's SECURITY is that he does not understand her priorities and how they work and thinks that if he is a good "provider" then she will be a great wife or G/f in return.

Then he finds out that while he has been slaving at the office to fulfil her whims and wants, she has been boinking Pablo the pool guy.

 

Exactly!

 

Half the women in western culture think they deserve to have a host of securities provided by men who frankly wind up on the hamster wheel trying to fulfill their every whim.

 

These kind of women are worthless IMO.