He betrayed my trust- but why do I feel guilty and how do I move on?

[PurpleBetty]

I was living going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We were really close, saw each other almost every day etc etc. Then he got offered a job in a new city, and I was so madly in love with him that I decided to invite myself along. (big mistake) So we moved to the new city, I got several jobs to try pay rent which was difficult ( we were both living at home before we moved together, I was 18, he was 20 ). He has always been a computer guy, in fact he works and studies computers. I had always been suspicious of what he did online, and at this point I should probably mentioned I am incredibly anti pornography. He had told me he used porn before we met and in the beginning when we weren't sexually active, but told me he no longer needed it when we began to have sex. I'm not just one of those girls who gets kinda offended by pornography..

So I got into college in this new city. A great college, the best in the country in fact! I was so happy, but of course college work spills over into home time, so I was spending some evenings working. This was a change from my 9-5 shop jobs which I left and didn't have to think about afterwards and I'm sure it probably changed the dynamics of our lives at home together.

One night I was going to print some stuff out from college in the living room of our flat, I looked over at my boyfriend who was at his computer and had his back turned to me and on his screen were two naked girls. It was a photograph, displayed on the image software thingy Picasa. He automatically shut it off. I freaked out to put it lightly. I asked him (in not so nice words) what that was, and he said he didn't know, and that it must've been on the internet. (lie no.1 + 2) Then I broke it off with him right there. I ran into our bedroom, called my mom (who was in another city) and started sobbing down the phone. She told me to calm down. After a while I came back out, and I insisted that I was going to look at the rest of the porn that was on his computer. He said no, but I pushed him out of the way and got to it. I managed to drop down the address bar and sure enough was a link to a video on youporn.com. I was hysterical, I started screaming at him and I clicked on it. It wasnt really hardcore stuff, it was a video of a girl masturbating. So then I went to his temporary internet files to see the images he had been looking at and just as I was about to click on one he shoved my hand away and deleted them all. The night got very violent, we both hit each other, and both came away bruised physically and emotionally.

 

But, despite all this he still claims he never watched or looked at porn.

 

I couldn't find anywhere else to live immediately, so I stayed in the flat. I started smoking again, although he had helped me quit months prior, but I felt no need to please him anymore. Things were very tense, but we still talked. I was incredibly suspicious of him, and it was taking over my life. One day I was at home, I had the day off from college, but he was in work. We were communicating over IM and I dont know what he said, but I freaked out. I shut off my laptop, grabbed my things, booked myself a room in a hotel and left him just like that.

 

Fast forward to today, I have moved back home with my parents. He is still living in the city. It's an internship for college and was supposed to end in June. However he attained a further 3 month internship in the US and is moving there. I have transferred to the college in my hometown, and am readjusting to life here.

 

We talk, but I want to move on. He makes me feel incredibly guilty for this though. He wants to meet up with me soon, and I said I dont think thats such a good idea. I dont want to rekindle anything with him, I want to be on my own for a while and then I want to find someone I can 100% trust.

 

I still feel like I have to tell him what I'm doing, although he is moving to a different continent!! He keeps telling me that he still loves me, and I dont respond. I'm absolutely terrified of moving on, because I know I will probably be hurt somewhere along the way, but he hurts me the most.

 

I have tried just not talking to him, but he rings me up in tears saying he has nothing but me in his life. I have told him not to call me, but even that wont shift him from my life. I don't want revenge, I really want him to move on too, and I have no idea how to do this!

 

Sorry this is so long by the way!

 

<3