tonyeltiger Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 This letter is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to write. So many things have been going through my mind and heart for the past few months that I'm very surprised I haven't exploded. This spring break has been really nice. This past quarter has been completely hectic for me. I took extra classes, and the stress of obvious situations was killing me. But surprisingly I came out at the end with better grades than I normally get! So that was a pleasant surprise. I think that with how much stress I had during class, I could not help but know that I was stressed because of the situation with you. And that, in turn, did not allow me to forget about it too easily. The break helped a great deal in giving me the time I needed to clear my mind some. I'm glad that I tried giving you a call on Monday, because it reminded me of how you feel about me. And that in turn let me decide over this week exactly what I felt as well. So I will try to explain. Please read this letter, for I doubt that there will ever be another. First let me start by saying that anything that I say from now on is not meant to cause any offense. And if I make any huge mistakes in my logic, I encourage you to bring them to my attention, although I severely doubt that you would choose to do so. I am sure that you have not thought of me nearly as much as I have thought about you. I am sure that jumping right into a new relationship is a wonderful distraction from all of this. And I am sorry to interrupt your bliss by telling you my thoughts. But as this is the last letter that I can see myself sending you, you can rest assured that you will be free from now on to pretend that I no longer exist. I never would have imagined in all of our years together that we would end like this. I could have imagined us not being able to be together I suppose, but I certainly never would have imagined you refusing to communicate with me in any way, and especially that you would ever ask me to stop loving you. I thought that you of all people understood the nature of love, and that true-love cannot be asked to simply stop or fade. You have asked the impossible of me, while throughout the entire process of breaking it off with me not telling lies....but avoiding truths at every turn. I still feel that I have not been given much closure at all. This is mostly because the last time we actually talked face to face, all you did was fill my head with hope and uncertainty. Then you would only speak to me in e-mail, and you seemed to be much more honest. I am sure it is easier to break someone's heart when you are not in the room to hear it break. And the icing on the cake for me was that the reason you left was to find yourself, but then you jumped right into a relationship with another guy. I know that you said you feel you can do both, but I cannot help but feel that you did not want to find yourself, but wanted to be with this new guy. I would be upset still, but would much more easily accept everything if you were simply more honest and communicative with me. This of course may be completely wrong, but since you refuse to talk to me, all I can do is follow my feelings, and I cannot choose what I feel. My hurt feelings of the past aside, I will get to the main point of this letter. I am not your friend, nor will I ever be your friend. Perhaps with some couples it is possible to become friends after the relationship ends, but this is not the case with us. The way you chose to do everything the way you did has me very sure of this decision. Do not mistake, I love you, as a lover. And this love is completely unconditional. It will always be here and will never change. This is because at least my love for you was true. I never realized this while we were together. I suppose that this is the cruel irony that I will have to learn to accept, but no one ever said that love is fair or not cruel. I find it almost comical the way that I now feel I am the man you always wanted me to be, but now want nothing to do with me. I love the changes I have made in myself, and I am sure you would too, but I also know that we will most likely never be back together. This is not only because you most likely will never talk to me again, but because I refuse to return to someone who refused to give me a chance to prove myself, and leave me for another guy. I never imagined it possible for you to treat anyone this way, let alone myself. Perhaps if your reasoning and method of breaking my heart would have been in line with the loving person I knew you to be, we could have one day become friends, but with the way you chose to do this shattered all chances of that. Of course I am saddened by this to say the least, but I just know that in my heart I will absolutely never feel like you and I will be able to be friends. Please don't mistake this as an emotional spurt from me or a momentary craziness. I feel that I have taken many steps to heal and am in a completely sound mind and heart while writing this. I have been really busy, been accepted to go abroad, met a few new people and even went on a date. The date was an experience in itself. It made me realize how long it takes to feel comfortable enough with someone to become officially “in a relationship”. And in your last letter when you said that you had begun dating a new guy, I assumed that that meant you were going to begin going on dates with him. Needless to say I was surprised and hurt that you were officially a couple only days after you told me this, although undoubtedly it was going on earlier. This only makes me feel that all of January at least, while we were still talking everyday and being very friendly, you were seeing this guy on the side. I know that you did not need to tell me about him, and I wouldn't expect you to do so, but I wish that you would have. When I finally gathered the courage to tell you my feelings for you, it was too late. I cannot help but feel that you being interested in this guy is a huge reason you refused me. And this is one reason why I will never be your friend. Even though you eventually told me about him, you avoided it and downplayed it to the point where I almost have to feel like I have been lied to. One can only use the “feelings change” excuse so many times. I understand if you don't believe that I have changed. I know that it is not in your nature to believe such things. But I will say that whether you believe it or not, I have. And it is your loss if you choose not to give me another chance. I know that you have given me a second and third chance in the past. But I also realize now that since we never went more than a week of being apart, there was no time there to make me realize that I needed to change if I wanted our relationship to continue. I now know how fragile a relationship can be. Love is as strong as I always thought it to be however, as it still burns through me. And it is that love combined with your complete absence that has made the changes in me that I know you would love. I know that you will not simply leave this new guy to give me another chance. New relationships always seem perfect in every way for quite while. But I hope that when things settle down with this guy and his faults become evident, that you will remember that I have changed and that I would not squander another chance. That being said, you would have a great dealing of proving yourself to me before I could even give you another chance. The dishonesty and coldness from your end has hurt and scarred me deeply. But I am a firm believer that love cures all ills, and that we could indeed be together again. But I repeat, we will never be able to be friends. Therefore, please do not contact me in anyway (not that I thought you would of course) unless you are willing to take steps for forgiveness and reconciling. But until then, know that I am sorry we can't be friends. I feel like I have lost a great one. Goodbye Jamie, probably forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't know whether this would be a good idea or not, but according to her last e-mail she seems to say she wants to be friends in the future after my feelings for her die out. I just really feel like sending this, but don't know what kind of reception it would get. BTW the call mentioned in the letter was me being weak. I called her Monday during my spring break. Of course she did not pick up, but I simply left a message saying that I was thinking of her that day and told her to call me back if she wanted to catch up. I know, back to square one of NC. But I still don't feel nearly as bad as I did a month ago. I think this letter explains my feelings pretty well (minus a whole lot of anger). What do you all think? I figure since I've broken NC anyways lol......
sedgwick Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I think you should let it go. Don't send it. It's a bit melodramatic -- "goodbye, probably forever?" You don't have to tell her not to contact you. Sounds like that's already how she wants it.
youngbuckkk Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I agree with Sedg. You seem to be all over the place emotionally with this letter, one line it's how you never can be friends and how she would have to do so much to get you back and then it's off to how much you miss her and how you truly love her and want her back. I'd say just let it be, I really don't see anything positive coming out of this. Seems like you are trying to guilt trip her for the mistakes she's made, yet at the same time trying to convince her to come back.
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 put it in an envelope addressed to yourself to be opened in six months. don't send it.
loveralone Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I've been thinking a lot about this sort of thing lately...It almost seems like we need to say our one FINAL goodbye, to let them see our true, honest heart before they turn around and leave our lives forever. To be quite honest, I'm not so sure it's entirely a bad idea. Yes, NC is good to start because it can help lift that emotional fog that clouds our judgement, but once the fog clears, you're left with the truth of it all. And why shouldn't we be honest about the truth of it? After all, that is where the greatest love stories of all time have come from...(yes, I'm a hopeless romantic! I can't help myself!) With that being said, I think that your letter has a few very good key points, however, you sound like you are begging and pleading for her to come back to you, but you don't want her to think you are....It sounds very "needy" (for lack of better word). I'm not sure that's the point you want to get across.
paladin1 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Please. Tony. Don't send that letter. This is what I got out of reading it. I'll take you back if you come back. I still love you. I don't want to be JUST your friend. I'll take you back if you come back. I still love you. You hurt me. I'll take you back if you come back. I still love you. ...perhaps paraphrasing a bit, but it is what I see as the gist of your letter. By now, from what I've read in your past posts, she knows you love her. This letter seems to spend more time reiterating that then it does telling her anything else. I really think sending her that letter will be a step back, in my opinion. Perhaps something shorter and more to the point? "Thank you for wanting to be friends in the future. At this point, I can't accept that because I am still working through my feelings for you, and feel it would be impossible to maintain a friendship alone. If you believe you wish to resume a intimate relationship, please contact me so we can discuss it and what would need to occur on both our parts for it to be successful; as I have realized some things about myself in our time apart. Perhaps at some point in the future, I will contact you for a friendship when I am ready; however if that is all you are looking for then let it be me who initiates contact." That being said; this is my opinion alone. If you TRULY believe sending that letter will make you feel better, and it is truly a means to say goodbye for good...well, we all have to find our own routes to closure. I just am not sure it puts you forth in the light you want her to see you in... Regards, and luck.
Chinook Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Tony, I've followed a few of your threads. I've seen how much this has wrung you out. One thing I need you to think about... Who are you actually sending this for...? Is it really for her...? Or is it actually for you...? If it is for her... um, no disrespect my friend but she doesn't need to know any of what you wrote. Really take stock and think about that. Think about how much thought you have given to thing since the split... and how much thought she has given it in comparison. You're hurting, you're still hurting, anyone can see it. But she doesn't need to know that now. That's for you to learn to deal with. She doesn't want or need you... and you know what...? You don't need her either... and as soon as you realise that, you won't want her either. If you're writing it for you... then please, don't send it. She's just gonna see it as a pitiful attempt at communication again. I wish things were different for all of us. But they're not. Pull up the white flag and move on my friend. It hurts less in time, believe me.
Author tonyeltiger Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Thank you all for posting! I know it's needy! I didn't send it after I wrote it because I knew I needed to think about everything. It was pretty much that "write a letter that you never end up sending" type of a thing. I know that it would do me absolutely no good. I will not send it. But everything hurts so damn bad. *sigh* wish I could stop caring about her, and more importantly if she thinks about me. Thanks again for all the comments, they give a little strength.
Recommended Posts