emotionally unavailable men.

March 21, 2008

How do you spot an emotionally unavailable man? are there any particular signs to look for when u think u might be involved with one. any of u had experiences of this kind???????

Edited March 21, 2008 by brenda collins

March 21, 2008

He is married or in a committed relationship with someone else.

He refuses to give you any hope for a future.

He is unreliable in his contacting you.

When you are not with him, you don't even know if you are still together or not.

He treats you with an 'out of sight, out of mind' mindset.

He does not want to meet your family or do family holidays with you.

He does not want to talk about your relationship.

He spends way too much time working, or doing things other than spending time with you.

He will typically return one call to your every twenty, if he returns them at all.

He will not work on the relationship.

He spends inordinately on himself, and rarely if ever on you.

He is with you only when it is convenient for him.

He will come on really strong with hot sex in the beginning, then dwindle down to boring or infrequent (indifferent) sex and only when he is in the mood.

He tries to control your life, or is critical of it.

March 21, 2008

How do you spot an emotionally unavailable man? are there any particular signs to look for when u think u might be involved with one. any of u had experiences of this kind???????

I just went through a breakup with an emotionally unavailable man. He's an amazing person and I'm crazy about him. He treated me better than any man ever did and was a wonderful friend to me, but we live 4 hours away from each other.

In the beginning, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to get involved because of the distance. I should've seen the signs. They were there. I opened up more to him than I ever have to any other man. He began to open up to me, but nowhere near as much as I. Another sign.

Eventually, I learned he could never fully open his heart to someone who lives so far away. He says that he has intimacy issues and has a hard time opening up. That he doesn't know if he ever will to anyone again. Apparently, a girlfriend from years ago cheated on him and it broke his heart.

Signs that I should've paid attention to (by themselves, they don't necessarily mean "unavailable," but all together, it makes sense in my situation):

- He's been single for over 3 years

- He's 32 and never married, no kids

- He lives alone

- He's slept with 4 women his entire life

- His relationships before me were 5 yrs, 5 yrs and 4 yrs, but no marriage

- He is a great listener, but not much of a talker

- Doesn't offer any information about his life

- He has only a few select friends

- He is a musician, singer, songwriter and the signs are in his music

- He is happier being sad

- He is extremely emotional and sensitive

- When he falls in love, he falls hard

I hope this helps some.

March 21, 2008

what about if a guy only ever makes last minute plans with you and wont organize or commit to plans with you in advance??

March 21, 2008

what about if a guy only ever makes last minute plans with you and wont organize or commit to plans with you in advance??

I dated a much younger man that was like that for about 4 months. He would ask me out the day of for that night. He never made plans ahead of time. When I finally asked him about it, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship.

Funny thing, about 6 months later, he got into one (not with me.) Ha.

March 21, 2008

also, what would you think if you were seeing a guy, but werent in a commited relationshp and he was fine to mess around with you, but never wanted to actually fall asleep in the same bed as you. This guy I am seeing, stuff happened between us and then i fell asleep and the next thing I knew he was moving to a different room (he said it was as he couldnt stop coughing, but i think that screams emotionally unavailable.... any ideas??

March 21, 2008

what about if a guy only ever makes last minute plans with you and wont organize or commit to plans with you in advance??

If he did that with every girl he was with, I might be inclined to think he was emotionally unavailable, but it could just be a simple case of not wanting a committed relationship with you.

March 21, 2008

also, what would you think if you were seeing a guy, but werent in a commited relationshp and he was fine to mess around with you, but never wanted to actually fall asleep in the same bed as you. This guy I am seeing, stuff happened between us and then i fell asleep and the next thing I knew he was moving to a different room (he said it was as he couldnt stop coughing, but i think that screams emotionally unavailable.... any ideas??

It could scream 'emotionally unavailable' but again, it could just be a simple case of him not wanting a committed relationship with you.

March 21, 2008

also, what would you think if you were seeing a guy, but werent in a commited relationshp and he was fine to mess around with you, but never wanted to actually fall asleep in the same bed as you. This guy I am seeing, stuff happened between us and then i fell asleep and the next thing I knew he was moving to a different room (he said it was as he couldnt stop coughing, but i think that screams emotionally unavailable.... any ideas??

Were you at his place or yours?

March 21, 2008

It was new years eve and we were staying at his mates house. He originally fell asleep in a seperate room, he went to bed before the rest of us, and then his mates gave me my own room. I went down to get my phone and when i came bk up he was in my bed. stuff happened and then he went back to his room, blaming the cough. in my post eight months and still dont know what is going on, i talk about a similar situation with him again. THis time he basically kicked me out of his house, claiming it was two thirty in the morning and i couldnt stay over.

March 21, 2008

Some are like this as a lifestyle, some are like this for the now and others are like this because they're not prepared to enter into a commitment with you. That's the way it goes. Don't hang onto someone who doesn't want to commit, especially after 8 months. Let it go.

March 21, 2008

I just went through a breakup with an emotionally unavailable man.
Eventually, I learned he could never fully open his heart to someone who lives so far away. He says that he has intimacy issues and has a hard time opening up. That he doesn't know if he ever will to anyone again. Apparently, a girlfriend from years ago cheated on him and it broke his heart.
.

This guy has been open and forthright with you from the day you two got together . I read your list of his "qualities" and they are reasonable comments about a stable man.. SOunds like a quailty man.

I feel sad for you that you broke up with a guy who is emotionally "together" and who seems to have great equilibrium and excellent self awareness. If more men were like him we would have fewer guys getting caught up in marriages which are not in their interests.

Blaming him and calling him "emotionally unavailable" as a "explanation" for the failure of your relationship is a cheap shot. When did you start to "feel" neglected ? And why did you stay ?

The real probelm here is that you two did not have compatible needs or expectations .

Quit playing the girly "blame game" when things do not work out, and move on to finding a guy who shares YOUR vision.

March 22, 2008

This guy has been open and forthright with you from the day you two got together . I read your list of his "qualities" and they are reasonable comments about a stable man.. SOunds like a quailty man.
I feel sad for you that you broke up with a guy who is emotionally "together" and who seems to have great equilibrium and excellent self awareness. If more men were like him we would have fewer guys getting caught up in marriages which are not in their interests.

Blaming him and calling him "emotionally unavailable" as a "explanation" for the failure of your relationship is a cheap shot. When did you start to "feel" neglected ? And why did you stay ?
The real probelm here is that you two did not have compatible needs or expectations .

Quit playing the girly "blame game" when things do not work out, and move on to finding a guy who shares YOUR vision.

He is an amazing man. He is the best man I've ever known. Problem is, he broke up with me. You're completely right. He DID tell me from the start. But he kept calling and made the efforts, as well as I, to see each other. I thought he wanted something more with me one day. He may still, but the timing isn't right. I won't be moving to CA (I'm in NV) for about another year. I have family there.

I never called him emotionally unavailable until he did himself. I thought he just didn't want to love me. He said that was never it. He was having a problem opening up to a woman so far away. I value his belief systems very much. I, too, am turning 32 and have never married. I don't believe I'm emotionally unavailable.

I never felt neglected. He just broke up with me. Why did I stay? Because we were wonderful until the break. He felt the same way. He just knew if we stayed together, he'd miss me more and fall for me more than he already had and it would make him more miserable since I wasn't in the same city. He said he already has intimacy issues and the distance doesn't help make it any easier.

I do hope that one day I find a man who shares my vision. It would be wonderful.

March 22, 2008

He is an amazing man. He is the best man I've ever known. Problem is, he broke up with me.

I do hope that one day I find a man who shares my vision. It would be wonderful.

This is sad and I feel for you - I really do.

You sound like a great woman too. We all deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with us.. LDRs rarely work for several reasons. In this case I think that he was realizing that the distance was a dealbreaker and he had the almighty COURAGE to set you free.

I would have strung you along and dated other women where I lived .

LOL !

March 22, 2008

This is sad and I feel for you - I really do.

You sound like a great woman too. We all deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with us.. LDRs rarely work for several reasons. In this case I think that he was realizing that the distance was a dealbreaker and he had the almighty COURAGE to set you free.

I would have strung you along and dated other women where I lived .
LOL !

It is so funny you wrote that! I recently had a guy tell me that if my ex really cared, he would've stuck it out. This guy said he lasted 2 1/2 years in a LDR because he loved the girl. Well, guess what? He cheated on her the entire time!

The great thing about my ex is that he was honest - always. He mentioned from the beginning that he hated the distance, but he liked me SO MUCH that he at least wanted to give it a try. He just didn't think he'd end up caring about me so much that it hurt not to be with me.

So, you think he had courage to set me free? That he wasn't giving up? He was actually letting go BECAUSE he cares?

March 22, 2008

So, you think he had courage to set me free? That he wasn't giving up? He was actually letting go BECAUSE he cares?

A remarkable man indeed - you are in one of those situations in which the man pulled out BECAUSE he wants you, but cannot see a way to have you. This is the stuff of tearful movies..

Not to make light of your pain - this is one of life's tragic outcomes - I feel for you .

YOu sound great. ( Im getting emotional here )

March 22, 2008

It was new years eve and we were staying at his mates house. He originally fell asleep in a seperate room, he went to bed before the rest of us, and then his mates gave me my own room. I went down to get my phone and when i came bk up he was in my bed. stuff happened and then he went back to his room, blaming the cough. in my post eight months and still dont know what is going on, i talk about a similar situation with him again. THis time he basically kicked me out of his house, claiming it was two thirty in the morning and i couldnt stay over.

Simple. He is establishing the boundaries of whatever relationship you two have.

Most likely he 1. Does not want to get emotionally attached to you, and/or 2. does not want you emotionally attached to him.

So, your in the FWB/ Booty call category to him. My friends do this all the time, I'm surprised you don't recognize this. Are you pretty young?

Listen, My advice is this. Be harder to get. Be friendly with every guy... even the fat ugly dorky ones! This way you can sift through the players with ease.

March 22, 2008

It was new years eve and we were staying at his mates house. He originally fell asleep in a seperate room, he went to bed before the rest of us, and then his mates gave me my own room. I went down to get my phone and when i came bk up he was in my bed. stuff happened and then he went back to his room, blaming the cough. in my post eight months and still dont know what is going on, i talk about a similar situation with him again. THis time he basically kicked me out of his house, claiming it was two thirty in the morning and i couldnt stay over.

He doesn't seem as though he wants to cuddle at all, wants his own space and doesn't want to give you the wrong impression. I'd say he isn't interested in establishing a committed relationship anytime soon.

March 22, 2008

A remarkable man indeed - you are in one of those situations in which the man pulled out BECAUSE he wants you, but cannot see a way to have you. This is the stuff of tearful movies..

Not to make light of your pain - this is one of life's tragic outcomes - I feel for you .

YOu sound great. ( Im getting emotional here )

Well, gosh darn it! Why can't relationships be easier? Ha.

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot.

March 22, 2008

It was new years eve and we were staying at his mates house. He originally fell asleep in a seperate room, he went to bed before the rest of us, and then his mates gave me my own room. I went down to get my phone and when i came bk up he was in my bed. stuff happened and then he went back to his room, blaming the cough. in my post eight months and still dont know what is going on, i talk about a similar situation with him again. THis time he basically kicked me out of his house, claiming it was two thirty in the morning and i couldnt stay over.

He was in YOUR bed without an invitation, then you complied and 'did stuff' then he left - WOW

he just scored a freebie didn't he ??

Grow a backbone and some self respect and maybe you won't have to worry about 'emotionally unavailable' guys.

Oh, and take the blinkers off and see this for what it really was

Is this a troll or are some people REALLY this dense ?

March 22, 2008

what about if a guy only ever makes last minute plans with you and wont organize or commit to plans with you in advance??

Thats a total FWB ! ( that's if you are sleeping with him )

March 22, 2008

Thats a total FWB ! ( that's if you are sleeping with him )

Forgive me, but in MY world FWB implies a MUTUAL understanding of the relationship.

This is just a guy getting his rocks off for free

Edited March 22, 2008 by Lookingforward
typo

March 22, 2008

Forgive me, but in MY world FWB implies a MUTUAL understanding of the relationship.

This is just a guy getting his rocks off for free

I feel so out of the loop. What is a FWB?

March 22, 2008

I feel so out of the loop. What is a FWB?

FWB = friends with benefits

March 22, 2008

He is married or in a committed relationship with someone else.
He refuses to give you any hope for a future.
He is unreliable in his contacting you.
When you are not with him, you don't even know if you are still together or not.
He treats you with an 'out of sight, out of mind' mindset.
He does not want to meet your family or do family holidays with you.
He does not want to talk about your relationship.
He spends way too much time working, or doing things other than spending time with you.
He will typically return one call to your every twenty, if he returns them at all.
He will not work on the relationship.
He spends inordinately on himself, and rarely if ever on you.
He is with you only when it is convenient for him.
He will come on really strong with hot sex in the beginning, then dwindle down to boring or infrequent (indifferent) sex and only when he is in the mood.
He tries to control your life, or is critical of it.

Soooooooo many * yea's* here .....girls these are some great ones LB has given. I think its time we turned the FWB thing around and get these guys to start dating us again ( thats if you are in a FWB situation and don't recognize it for what is is ) . Thats been my goal for the last 2 years. Say NO to : * can we hang out ? * ( but thats mostly ALL he wants to do , never goes much further.

May I add :

1. He talks about someone else alot and its not you.

2. He seems rather bored and checks his watch after sex , with no post coittus cuddling and chat , or how great it felt.

3. Soon he drops the dates all together and just wants to hang out. ( warning )

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