Shindig Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 My SO has been depressed for several weeks now. I'm doing okay with it at this point. He doesn't really call or text but when we do talk he assures me we're okay and he's just looking out for himself as best he can and trying to get back on his feet. I see him once or twice a week at this point. I care about him. I think he's worth it. I'm just having trouble coping. He's needing a lot of space and I'm nurturing/contact type, e.g. I bring him chicken soup when he has a cold, massage the sore muscles, snuggling and tickle attacks bring me out of just about any funk, etc. I feel like I'm in a LDR in that I have all the bad parts of the relationship (doubt, lack of contact, reduced communication, etc.) and none of the good parts (sex, dates, other outings, physical contact and non-verbal displays of affection, etc.) I'm just having trouble coping and am looking for support (esp. since my girlfriends are out of town this weekend...)
bejshermanoaks Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Im so sorry...well, if he is going through something, it sounds like you are doing amazing. Im impressed by your patience and understanding. You seem so sweet...keep being there for him, and dont talk about the relationship when he is being "distant", it wont help I dont think. At some point, when he is in a better space, and things are more normal between you guys then not, then tell him how the distance made you feel and ask him what you can do next time to help him when hes like that. Men are like rubberbands, they pull away but eventually snap back..... hang in there sweetheart. Im a man, so I know this deal here...
Author Shindig Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 I didn't deal so well with it at first. I didn't understand why he stopped wanting to have sex, why he couldn't get out of bed to go to the beach and other things he used to leap at, and that sort of thing and took it personally. I'm not angry with him anymore since I've gotten that it isn't about me. This helps and I have made an effort to keep busy to keep my mind off it. Thanks for the words of wisdom, bejshermanoaks. Nice to get a man's insight. I still miss him and want to be there for him but it seems we have different definitions of what 'being there' means. For me it means actually physically being there. For him... maybe it means being there when he 'snaps back'. I'm still not sure how much he wants to hear from me... if my texting/calling are intrusive or reassuring, etc. Thanks.
Author Shindig Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 I managed to go yesterday without calling or texting. Let's see how I do tonite since my plans fell through.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 What is he depressed about? What is he saying are the issues?
Author Shindig Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 About 9 months ago he had a falling out with his mother resulting in what is essentially an estrangement. Not too long after that he dropped out of school. His parents (both divorced and remarried) stopped supporting him financially. On his salary he and his roommates can barely make ends meet with sporadic power outages and periodic threats of eviction. His roommate and mother agree he's depressed. Getting him into therapy or drug treatment is something I've considered talking to his parents about but I'm not sure it is appropriate for me to get involved. We've been dating since December and he came out of it a bit after meeting me (so say the Mom and roommate) but I fear he's right back where he was before I met him.
Author Shindig Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) He's 21. I'm 25... 26 in a few days Edited March 22, 2008 by Shindig erratum
Author Shindig Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 This hurts so much. I just wish there was something I could do about it. I feel really lost and helpless. My plans for tonite got rained out... great, another night to ruminate over it.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 alot of times guys get distant when they cant provide for themselves (and ultimately for their mates). It makes them feel inadequate and not worthy. Its common in younger men. Keep being supportive--he probably feels like a loser who cant take care of you..he needs to know that you trust that he can take care of you. He needs acceptance, admiration and loving encouragement--the type a coach might give--not nagging...It seems like you are doing great..keep being there for him..
Author Shindig Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 This is what makes me worry about a little bit of inferiority complex rearing it's ugly head. He knows I can provide for myself (and easily another person) both short term and long term. We've discussed that I really don't give a sh*t about his background or financial status. I just want someone who I'm compatible with, etc. Not too long ago he expressed that he's bothered by the fact that I often pay for dinner, etc. I just don't want to lose him over something as meaningless as money.
Author Shindig Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Now the doubt creeps in: What if asking for space is just a way to 'let me down easy'? *sigh* I wish he would talk to me.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Unfortunately the money issue might be important to him, even if it isnt to you. He also might be asking for space cause he wants reassurance from you. Sometimes people ask for space when the other person is being distant and they just need some reassurance from their partner. Also, sometimes they ask for it when they are stressed. Alot of men take space when they are trying to sort through stuff, and will try to do it alone--but men are like rubberbands and will pull away and eventually snap back. Dont get insecure, stay supportive and loving. It sounds like he could just be going through a hard time...dont let him push you away, which he may subconsciously doing.. but for the most part, many men get distant and eventually come back after they sort it out..In "Men are from Mars..." he calls it when men go to their "cave". It sounds like hes in his cave. Just be a rock for him. Keep up the good work
Author Shindig Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 I'm just terrified we're headed for a breakup and that the first guy who I thought was worth my attention in 2.5 years will slip away over trivial stuff (I know it can seem like the end of the world but I spent 6 months homeless when I was in college and in hindsight... the important thing was that I made it... not money). Maybe I'm just too picky but I think I should fight for what I think is worth it. My anxiety is far from overshadowing my desire to make it work with this guy. I get a lot of attention from a lot of men, but none of them blow my skirt up, so to speak. A nice/good looking guy with a proverbial pedigree flirted with me tonite (I was invited to a last minute birthday party) and all I could think about was whether or not my SO was okay. I know moving on would be relatively easy but I don't think it is the right decsion... yet at least. The SO is making tacit motions like he wants to break up but I think he's just looking for reassurance after 3 days no calls no texts.
Author Shindig Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 We had a quick text convo yesterday. He was cryptic at best. I wish he would be forthcoming, it's driving me nuts. It gets harder and harder not to take it personally. I left his mom a message yesterday and spoke to his best friend. The best friend says he had spoken with my SO about his needing space from me about a week ago. I feel a little better that he's been distant from his best friend who is also his roommate too but still... Hopefully his mom will get back to me Monday. I gathered my SO is trying to reconcile with her for financial help. I may bring up getting professional help. Other than that he's been frequenting local pool halls.... boys will be boys.... Unfortunately he's been there with his toxic friend who precipitates a lot of my SO's problems. His involvement makes it easier not to take things personally but I'm always concerned the toxic friend will manipulate him into doing things my SO will later regret.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Think positive and that it will work out; if you believe that, your actions will more likely be loving and in the solution and less likely to be anxity/nervous and defeated driven;. Stay supportive, dont pressure him. Text him something like "would love to see you whenever you have time. Love you". something like that..no pressure, just loving and supportive...
Author Shindig Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 I offered to bring him dinner at work. No response. I think I'm gonna go read a book and drink some coffee at the park to decompress. Thanks for the encouragement. It means worlds. I think I'll be confident that I did the right thing by being as patient and understanding as I can be whatever the outcome.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 You are doing amazing...you sound like a loving , sweet person. I wish everyone was like you. For what its worth, Im proud of you. Another thing to try is to not talk about issues or problems and just hang out and have laughs--watch a flick, see a band, go bowling--whatever it is you like t do and not talk about anything serious...lighten the mood, and maybe he'll llighten. If you are overly serious, he'll get even more serious. Stay chill, light, fun, loving, supportive, etc...keep it light cause he's dark right now.
Author Shindig Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 As well as I may be doing he's upped the ante... I had a good dinner with some friends and got some support from a good girlfriend over the whole thing. I arrived home to find he'd broken up with my Facebook account (if that makes any sense). This particular social networking site displays 'relationship status'. Mine used to say that "OP is in a relationship with SO". SO is now listed as 'single' and my heart sank about 2 feet. I wrote him an e-mail saying: I think he was just saying "I don't want to drag you through what I'm going through.", that I was going with him no matter how hard the journey is, he'll make it, and I'll be rooting for him. I said he's important to me and I'll fight to keep him around. I added that I'm filling up with kisses and might explode soon so he should call if he has time to talk about it. At some point sticking around might be unhealthy for both of us. I don't want to push him further into depression by leaving and I know that would be a crummy reason to stick around. At this point it isn't why I'm still in it but who knows. Hopefully I'll catch up with his mom tomorrow and go from there. Ouch... my heart hurts.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I wrote him an e-mail saying: I think he was just saying "I don't want to drag you through what I'm going through.", that I was going with him no matter how hard the journey is, he'll make it, and I'll be rooting for him. I said he's important to me and I'll fight to keep him around. I added that I'm filling up with kisses and might explode soon so he should call if he has time to talk about it. This happened to me on facebook also, if you can believe it..It was horrible. Okay , you saw this on facebook then what happened, I didnt quite understand your recounting of it ...what happened exactly after you saw you were single on fbook? Im sorry honey...id hug you if i could.
Author Shindig Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Am I just missing the difference between growing pains and death spasms? I got a cryptic text. Who knows...
Author Shindig Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) I knee jerked initially. I sent a text asking if he was breaking up with me and then one to call. Then on facebook I sent an invite to be in a relationship and a message as above. His text said 'life is rough and my plate is full, too full to deal with right now." No acknowledgement of the former. He hasn't logged in to see the message or invite. Edited March 24, 2008 by Shindig typo
bejshermanoaks Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 sounds to me like he is looking for attention--I really believe he needs love and comfort and is asking for it in a very immature way. I know this is gonna be hard--try to put aside the facebook thing now and dont talk about the possibility of a break-up. Text him something like "I know is hard honey. I understand you are dealing with so much. Would you like me to come over or for me to come to you?"
Author Shindig Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Yeah... that was my instinct once the adrenaline of my guts nearly falling out of my chest cavity faded... hence the invite and message. Good call for the text... thanks:)
bejshermanoaks Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 if u want to shoot me your personal email address, Id be happy to contact you that way...if you are uncomfortable posting one you use, maybe create a yahoo or gmail one, ya know? Id be happy to contact you that way, cause I think we are the only ones reading this post at this point and I think we can bounce back and forth quicker..lemme know..
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