car2007 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Long story short: lack of intimacy for years, inability to have easy communication about our feelings, but still respect for each other. Infidelity (first me, then her) but still living together while separated for the sake of our 8 year old and, of course, financial reasons. Also, though it's a long shot, maybe we'll get back together. I broke off my outside relationship because I thought I didn't give my marriage enough of a chance and maybe I was overlooking something in my haste to find something better. She is still in her outside R but insists she's not in love, she just likes seeing this guy once and a while because he reaches her on a level I am unable to. I've told her that's fine and she will have to decide when she wants (if she wants) to end it with him. He's married too and not thinking of leaving his situation. I do love her, but it is really not an intimate or spousal love, more a friendship love. Not sure it can be more. I guess it was early on, but we're a long way from that (15 year marriage). My question is, assuming she decides she wants to break if off at some point with her other R, does marriage counseling really work? I mean, come on. I'm sure we would both have to go into it wanting to make it work, but wow I feel that's going to be hard. Even if she were to break it off with him now, can you go from friendship love to emotional love with all the baggage we have? Not just the outside R's, which are recent, but all the years of not really feeling close? Probably more me than her. She says she usually thought every thing was pretty good between us, but I feel differently. I think that's because she just liked the stability, which is a huge thing with her. I think she's scared to be on her own, even though I would of course still be around to support her and of course be with my kid. Not that I dislike being with her, but to me our chemistry always seemed to be off. Now of course there is a trust issue too. I guess we should try, if nothing more than for our kid. But I can't shake the feeling that things will go back to the way they were before. I know we all have the right to pursue happiness, not the actual happiness itself. But I'm not sure she and I have many more places to look for that happiness or at least a similar idea of what that happiness is. Who's been to marriage counseling? What were your circumstances and did it work?
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 does marriage counseling really work? I mean, come on. I'm sure we would both have to go into it wanting to make it work, but wow I feel that's going to be hard. Ofcourse it is going to be hard. You two have allowed yourselves to grow apart from eachother, emotionally, intimately and physically. For the sake of your young son you both owe to HIM and to eachother to try to recapture that love and intimacy again. You two obviously loved eachother alot a while ago, hense getting married and creating a child together. Marriage counselling IS hard work. To admit faults, to learn how to communicate, listen and understand eachother, isn't easy, especially along the way each of you have cheated, and you both haven't put alot of effort IN the marriage. BUT - If you love your wife and she loves you, enough to want to try and give it your best, it CAN work.
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