curiousnycgirl Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 OK everyone I apologize I was projecting. No where in the OP's notes does she say she is not comfortable living with him without a firm agreement that they will get married. So I agree her tactics are emotional blackmail. I also believe I agreed with everyone, right from the start that her b/f has certainly shown huge committment by being the sole bread winner in the household. And that his concerns over money were valid. So I guess I'll shut up now - just wanted to admit the error of my posts.
StartingOver07 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Where does it say that the bf is supporting nycgirl? I see she is not working, but this doesn't necessarily mean he is supporting her. I think we'd have to know her motives before being able to say whether her suggestion to move out is blackmail. It could be that she thought that living together was a prelude to marriage and expected that they'd both be ready by now. It sounds like they didn't explicitly discuss this and are now realising that their expectations are different. She may feel that 1.5 years of living together without marriage is all she is comfortable with; he is asking her to sign on for another 3 years without any commitment.
NuTuDating Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 All of the reasons he listed are legitimate. Money is a huge issue for married couples and shouldn't be taken lightly. I take it you live in NY? It's expensive there and if you're not working, then I can see where he's coming from. Moving out just for the sake of making a point seems foolish. It sounds like you just want the situation to change for the sake of changing?
allina Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 This seems like a really bad time to pressure him in to marrying you. He must feel so much pressure, not only does he have to support you financially but now you're wanting a proposal and a ring? What are you giving back here? You seem to have a list of wants and that's it. Plus wouldn't you prefer your bf to propose because he wants to and can't wait to marry you and not because you backed him in to a corner? And 26 is young to marry. Why don't you figure out what to do with your life (career wise) save up save money (weddings are expensive and you said you have a tiny apartment which suggests you'd want to move soon) If I was your bf I would be freaking out thinking "omg she has no job but wants me to provide for a ring, wedding then house then who knows what :eek:"
AussieJack Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) Oh. I don't see that as a compromise or an alternative at all. Like OB said, that's emotional blackmail. THis is exactly that - emotional blackmail or at least a weak attempt at it.... If I were her B/f I would be having second thoughts about my G/f and whether she is really the person I want to be with ...Her "suggestion" to live in a separate house is nothing less or more than a btle attempt to "punish " him because she cant get her own way,on her timing. If I were in his position and my G/f puled this stunt, and said that unless we got married pronto we should live separately, I would have said ,"When do you plan to find your own place honey ?" THis is a red flag - Not the behavior of a mature woman... To all you guys - remember this - if you marry a woman she is agreeing to join YOUR life, not the other way around. But then again I believe in male leadership.... retarded , I know. LOL !! Edited March 21, 2008 by AussieJack
mclovin Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Hey, I was once in a similar boat as you. My soon to be EX-H stalled on the whole marriage deal eventhough he was the one to bring it up ALWAYS. He strung me along. Then I wised up and told him I was leaving because I wanted to date other men instead of waiting. Then he proposed. We got married. From there out, EVERYTHING was HORRIBLE. We had no relationship of ANY kind or CHEMISTRY. Neither one of us cared about each other and there was ABSOLUTELY NO SEX. Guess what happened???? I wound up cheating on him-several times. Now, we're getting divorced and I can't wait to begin a new life and date better men who make me actually feel like I'm worth their time. My point is, sometimes when a BF hesitates to propose, maybe he's doing YOU the favor-in the long run of course. Think of me. At one time, I was frustrated just like you. Then after marriage, I turned into a cheat. After discovering OM, I realized I missed out on a lot. I'm almost 30, and I wasted my 20's with this zero. My advice to you, get out now. There's someone else out there!
NuTuDating Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Or maybe the guy was just being honest when he said he wanted to be more financially secure?
lovestruck818 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hi, I sent out a thread yesterday which led me to write this one to give more information and hopefully get more opinions. As I mentioned in the other, I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26 and I brought up our future to him the other day and he and I did not seem to be on the same page about getting married. We have lived together for 1.5 yrs and been together over 3 years. When we started dating he told me that he was looking for someone he could really be with because he always thought the next person he was with would hopefully one day become his wife if he and her worked out, his last relationship was 4.5 years and the only other serious one he has had. NOW, we have worked out clearly because its been three years, but this happened.. He told me the other day he did not know if he wanted to get engaged till he was at least 28, maybe less but did not think it would happen within a year to a year and a half, but that it could be not till he was 29. The fact that he gave me this wishey-washey answer kind of freaked me out. So I said maybe then we should live apart and he said no, if one of us moves out then we will break up, because he does not want to take a step backwards. Although, I kind of felt if we are not going foward now, why can't we go backwards. Then he said that he loved me, wanted me to be his wife, but thought he was too young to get married and that was it. SO, I had another, more calm converstation with him and he said there were a number of reasons he was not ready, money being one, he also wants to be able to have a down payment for at least a condo, three, he did feel we were still young enough to wait, and also that I currently am not working, I left a field that was really not working out for me and I am trying to get a job and maybe go back to school. He said my uncertainty in that area concerns him a bit, (I don't know what exactly I will be able to get a job in since all my experience and my BS degree have been in one field and it seems to be the only kind of job offers I get.) Also, I mentioned I sort of felt like a wife without a ring and he said he never has looked at me like that, he just likes being able to see me everyday SO my question now is, we have always been happy, never had a break or seriously talked about breaking up before this, we live in a tiny apartment but still it seems to work fine most of the time and he does keep it neat, even though I do clean a lot more, (guess that may be part of why it bothers me)... ....SO, Does it seem reasonable for him to want to wait, or does it seem like he has changed his mind and just does not want to get married or possibly just not to me anymore. I don't want to break up with him, but if we are not moving in that direction I would definitly feel like I have wasted the time from now to when it would end. my opinion- take it or leave it- is that no matter how long you have been together, 25 & 26 is waaaaay too young to be married...esp. in New York City. People here are not getting married til 29 & 30...that is perfectly acceptable now-a-days. I wouldn't worry about it so much. He said he wants to be engaged @ 28...so he DOES want to get married, just not right now. Gove him the time he needs. He will propose when he is ready and it will be just perfect.
LAA Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you, except that I am working, and my boyfriend keeps saying, "after such-and-such in a few months, i'll propose..." and that's been going on for about a year. Everything else sounds pretty much the same. I've been looking for answers, too, and something that I have decided about men being "backed into a corner" is that they've backed THEMSELVES into a corner. If a man tells a girl he loves her, then moves in with her, and especially if he tells her, regardless of WHEN, that he wants her to be his wife, there is only one thing left to do...propose to her and then get married. Men should know that their girlfriend is probably going to want to get engaged after a year of living together, and to try to argue anything otherwise is ridiculous. I believe that moving out and living separately, while still remaining a couple, is the best thing to do. It just makes sense. We move in with our boyfriends to further the relationship, and once that's established, we expect further commitment. I feel that his reaction of "keep things the same or it's over" tells a lot about how he feels about your relationship. He's willing to risk losing everything with you if you actually go through with moving out? Maybe he's calling your bluff, assuming you'll just do things his way, which isn't fair. I don't know how it works when he's "funding" the relationship...but you aren't business partners; it's not like he "owns" more of the relationship and so has final say. I don't understand setting an age minimum. How the hell does he know exactly when he'll be ready? Why is 28 or 29 such a magical number? What miraculous occurance is he waiting for? I'm assuming it's lots of money and stability which isn't going to happen. Most people struggle in the beginning...i've heard this from my parents and others who have been married for decades. You don't have to have a house or condo all set to go. And, if your like me, you just want the commitment of being engaged. Yes, we've talked about getting married, we do have commitment from our boyfriends, so what's a little ring or a piece of paper? It's everything, folks! People talk up and down about their beliefs, plans, and promises for the future, but nothing matters until you do it. Clearly, it's easy to say, "we will get married" and "you're the one for me" but it's too hard to actually propose to say these things. Also, anyone who says, "it's just a ring or piece of paper," should have NO PROBLEM proposing or getting married. What's the hold up if there's nothing to it???
Marin Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 LAA, I agree with you. In the OP's case, it IS the guy getting everything his way. I wouldn't doubt if she stuck around living with him for three more years, he might have some other excuse to not marry her. I do feel as if the OP has to move out because he has changed the rules midstream. He isn't giving her commitment as was expected when she moved in. It has all changed. So now she has to decide if she wants to stay with a guy who won't make a marriage commitment or if she should make herself available to men who ARE willing to commit. Why should her boyfriend get all the benefits of her as his wife without the actual commitment of that? That is CRAP.
thehappycynic Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Hi, I sent out a thread yesterday which led me to write this one to give more information and hopefully get more opinions. As I mentioned in the other, I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26 and I brought up our future to him the other day and he and I did not seem to be on the same page about getting married. We have lived together for 1.5 yrs and been together over 3 years. When we started dating he told me that he was looking for someone he could really be with because he always thought the next person he was with would hopefully one day become his wife if he and her worked out, his last relationship was 4.5 years and the only other serious one he has had. NOW, we have worked out clearly because its been three years, but this happened.. He told me the other day he did not know if he wanted to get engaged till he was at least 28, maybe less but did not think it would happen within a year to a year and a half, but that it could be not till he was 29. The fact that he gave me this wishey-washey answer kind of freaked me out. So I said maybe then we should live apart and he said no, if one of us moves out then we will break up, because he does not want to take a step backwards. Although, I kind of felt if we are not going foward now, why can't we go backwards. Then he said that he loved me, wanted me to be his wife, but thought he was too young to get married and that was it. SO, I had another, more calm converstation with him and he said there were a number of reasons he was not ready, money being one, he also wants to be able to have a down payment for at least a condo, three, he did feel we were still young enough to wait, and also that I currently am not working, I left a field that was really not working out for me and I am trying to get a job and maybe go back to school. He said my uncertainty in that area concerns him a bit, (I don't know what exactly I will be able to get a job in since all my experience and my BS degree have been in one field and it seems to be the only kind of job offers I get.) Also, I mentioned I sort of felt like a wife without a ring and he said he never has looked at me like that, he just likes being able to see me everyday SO my question now is, we have always been happy, never had a break or seriously talked about breaking up before this, we live in a tiny apartment but still it seems to work fine most of the time and he does keep it neat, even though I do clean a lot more, (guess that may be part of why it bothers me)... ....SO, Does it seem reasonable for him to want to wait, or does it seem like he has changed his mind and just does not want to get married or possibly just not to me anymore. I don't want to break up with him, but if we are not moving in that direction I would definitly feel like I have wasted the time from now to when it would end. His last relationship was 4.5 years. He is waiting for that marker to pass before he commits to you. And 29 is YOUNG for a man to get married. His concerns about you not working are legit. He is thinking he will likely have to support you the rest of this life. That's not fair to him. You can't expect someone to commit to you until you have your life together. That said, you need to set a time limit for YOURSELF: the point where you are no longer willing to wait for a marriage commitment and must move on. Then, when that time passes, you know what you have to do. LEAVE.
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