Tracey111 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Well, after dating an absolutely great guy for a month, his ex has resurfaced and he is confused. We met after both us being in LTR with people who have lied and cheated on us and we both seemed like we were on the same page in so many areas. He starts to act weird last Sunday after being at my house for about a week and my anxiety started up last Sunday. Well, last night he texts me and asks if he can some over at 2 today. I say sure, what's up? Is everything ok? and he texts back saying 'ya, I just have to talk to you'. So at about 10:00 last night, I called him and asked what is going on...he said that he wants to talk in person and I siad "so, you don't want to see me anymore?" he said that Bonnie has called and she wants to work things out and he is so confused. He said he feels bad, really likes me and loves the time we spend together but is confused. I said that I had felt anxiety all week and made a promise to myself after my last relationship ened that I wouldn't be with a man who created any anxiety in my life. He said he was sorry and felt terrible but that he is confused and I said well, 'good luck'. The phone went quiet and then he started telling me that it wouldn't be fair to me for him to see two girls and I said not to feel bad about that because that wouldn't be happening and wished him good luck and he kept talking blah, blah blah. Is is possible that he just needs to clean the 'dregs' out of the coffee pot on this relationship? Or have I been a pawn in the middle? And what do I do when I hear from him again but I am almost certain that I will. I was starting to fall for him because he IS such a great guy.
Shindig Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 If he's going to go back to someone who cheated on him and lied to him there's something odd about his judgement. Don't be upset about losing someone like that. On the other hand, I can certainly understand being attached to a lover and maybe you're right that he needs to clean out his coffee pot. Good luck.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Starting to fall for him does not mean that you're in love with him. Be glad that he has shown that he's still emotionally attached to his ex. You definitely don't need to involve yourself in his drama. I think he's only dragging you into this whole thing in the first place is because he wants to be wanted by two women. Don't feed his ego any further. Cease contact with him. Let himself work it out with you having to suffer anxiety issues over him.
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Wait till tax officer calls. Thats what I call drama.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Starting to fall for him does not mean that you're in love with him. Be glad that he has shown that he's still emotionally attached to his ex. You definitely don't need to involve yourself in his drama. I think he's only dragging you into this whole thing in the first place is because he wants to be wanted by two women. Don't feed his ego any further. Cease contact with him. Let himself work it out with you having to suffer anxiety issues over him. I meant without you having to suffer.
upsetnhurt Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I am sorry you have had to go through any amount of pain over this situation. Unfortunately it is far better for you to know that he is not 100% emotionally available now than down the road when your feelings have become that much more involved. You can do nothing but give him the space he needs (which it sounds like you will) and move on with your life. He is of no use for you as is! The drama is simply starting....and realistically you would have been constantly compared to this other woman. That is no way to live.
Author Tracey111 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 I know he is of no use to me as he is.....It took alot of 'looking' around for me to even agree to begin to date again. What do I do if he calls me?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I know he is of no use to me as he is.....It took alot of 'looking' around for me to even agree to begin to date again. What do I do if he calls me? Make yourself clear that until he has sorted out his emotional problems, it's best for him not to contact you again. Personally, I would just not pick up his call at all. Even if he decides to choose you in the end, put me in your place, I wouldn't even choose to date him. Just doesn't seem worth it.
compassion42 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Let him know that you have enjoyed your time together and that you understand his need for closure with his ex. If you two are on the same page about your relationship so far, he will most likely realize that he made the wrong choice and he'll want to see you again.
AussieJack Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I know he is of no use to me as he is.....It took alot of 'looking' around for me to even agree to begin to date again. What do I do if he calls me? AussieJack says, " Never get involved with someone who is still connected to the live remains of their previous disaster" And - "Sane people do not get into triangles "
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Make yourself clear that until he has sorted out his emotional problems, it's best for him not to contact you again. Personally, I would just not pick up his call at all. Even if he decides to choose you in the end, put me in your place, I wouldn't even choose to date him. Just doesn't seem worth it. That's what you say until you are actually in a similar position as the OP.
gfto Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 As the saying goes....He's just not that into you. Simple as that. Bonnie dumped him, because she was no longer into him. This guy is still heartbroken over her. She's bored and doesn't have any new prospects, so she's going to jerk him around some more, and he'll gladly sign up for more torture from her. Forget about him. If he calls, just don't answer. But, if you must answer, just say, "hey, it's good to hear from you. I can't talk right now; a friend of mine is in the kitchen making dinner for me. I'll call you later." Click. Of course, don't actually call back.
mortensorchid Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Hmmm ... If he said he got a call from the old gf and they're just talking a bit, that's alright. If he said he got a call from the old gf and he really wants to work things out with her, he's going back to his old gf, or is saying that he wants to be back with her. This guy is playing games with you. He'll hurt you in the long run. Tell him you hope you're happy with the choices that he's made, and move on. A guy with class would not even bring this up to you if he was concerned about your feelings he just wanted to chat with her.
Little Shy Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I have been involved in 2 painful relationships in which my boyfriend, or the guy I was dating for several months broke off with me to get back together with his ex. In both cases, the men were deceptive with me, and I think were messing around with their ex's before we broke off. I will also point out, that according to both of these men, their relationships with their ex's were incredibly unstable, volatile, and loaded with drama, etc. So, if someone (like your guy) wants to go back to cheating and other assorted drama, what are you going to do? I honestly feel that some men may be suckers for drama in relationships even more than women are. I'll bet your beginning relationship with him has been nice & sane? Maybe you are not challenging (i.e. crazy) enough for him. I know that I am told that I am really easy going in my relationships. Both the guys that left me for their ex's went back to girls with drug/work problems, alcohol problems, screaming, plate throwing psychopaths. As far as I have heard, the 2nd time around for them did not work for either of these men. What are you going to do? You have to let him go he feels he wants to try again with her. Hopefully he will come around, back to his senses and back to you before doing this. But not if he tries after another go with her. Too late then.
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 As the saying goes....He's just not that into you. This doesn't mean he's not into her. Many people feel they are over their exes until their exes resurface - and the feelings that go with their exes resurface too. Maybe he never got real closure previously and isn't sure how to deal with her coming back around again. I think it's good that he told you about it, as he could have just had his cake and ate it too. I would remove yourself from the situation until he knows what it is he wants. Let him know that you don't want to continue to get emotionally involved with him until he sorts out his feelings.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Full ex disclosure, is a good thing! Wanting to get back into an unhealthy situation isn't so good. Even if he comes back in the next little while, he's not going to be in a healthy emotional state, to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. The last thing you want to be, is the rebound girl that he rubberbands with, everytime the ex beckons and then drops him. Run away, before you invest further!
AriaIncognito Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I met a guy over 10 years ago, we were in a group together. He had been seeing a girl for like 3-4 years. That started to fizzle out while we were becoming friends, and then when they broke up, we got together. 1 month later, or maybe it was 2, he went back to her. I was crushed. That lasted about a month or two, and then he was back to me. Sometimes they do need to clean the mess up from the last. He and I, while we didn't make it, had a very significant relationship of about 4 years. So, I'd say in general, it's best to let them go. If they come back, proceed with caution, but it isn't any indication, in my opinion of him "not being into you".
gfto Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 This doesn't mean he's not into her. Yes, it does. I'm a guy. I know. Anytime I was with a new girlfriend who I was really into, I had no interest whatsoever in communicating with the latest ex. It's just a yawn and ignore. On the other hand, if was still carrying a torch for the ex, then I would tell new girlfriend crap like, "well, I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now; I need to sort out my feelings, etc." which is all code for "I'm not that into you, and I'd rather be with my ex." Maybe he never got real closure previously and isn't sure how to deal with her coming back around again. If, by "closure," you mean final and definite acceptance of the fact that he has no change of winning back his ex, then yes, he hasn't gotten real "closure."
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Yes, it does. I'm a guy. You're not every guy though, and you haven't been in every situation. Not all situations are the same - people vary and so do their emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
gfto Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 You're not every guy though, and you haven't been in every situation. Not all situations are the same - people vary and so do their emotions, thoughts, and feelings. It isn't about the situation. Of course every situation is different, but the bottom line is always the same: You either want her or you don't. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
Author Tracey111 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 I think he needs closure.....I don't feel that he isn't into me...I have never been treated so well by a man in all my life. I just wish that he wasn't messed up by his ex calling. I ended a relationship 4 1/2 months ago with a male 'town bike' and it was a long and painful ending....the long good-bye. I hope that this is Bill's final good-bye. I don't feel like he deceived me. I didn't like what he had to say because I really like him, but he didn't string me along or date both of us at the same time. I think it unfinished business on his part and I am going to stay out of the way until his heart is clear. I'll just take care of myself and not worry about what I have no control over.
melodymatters Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I think he needs closure.....I don't feel that he isn't into me...I have never been treated so well by a man in all my life. I just wish that he wasn't messed up by his ex calling. I ended a relationship 4 1/2 months ago with a male 'town bike' and it was a long and painful ending....the long good-bye. I hope that this is Bill's final good-bye. I don't feel like he deceived me. I didn't like what he had to say because I really like him, but he didn't string me along or date both of us at the same time. I think it unfinished business on his part and I am going to stay out of the way until his heart is clear. I'll just take care of myself and not worry about what I have no control over. You sound like a wise woman Tracey, I'm sure you'll be fine ! Town bike, is that slang for a guy who's ridden by everyone ???
Author Tracey111 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 hahaha yes, it is...stay away from 'bikes'......!
Mary3 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I will go one step further and say that : You should not take him back ever , never , ever . He's got a great woman standing right in front of him but he is * confused * about the other girl ( ex ) who cheated or/ lied and wants her back. He's confused. As wonderful as he may seem , he wants HER . Maybe it will last a week , a month , 6 months but my personal experience tells me , shame on him for ending something good to go back to something bad. I would not give him another chance. I know you might think differently. Just remember your heart when he says " You know I am just sooo confused ( which really means I am going to go back to her because I have feelings for her ) and they will likely be intimate. If that doesn't make you lose your lunch , I don't know what would...
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