Kia Kaha Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Hi, This is my first post, sorry if it's a bit long and rambling. My partner of 9 years and I emmigrated to NZ a few months ago. we both gave up everything and burnt our bridges. About 6 weeks ago she was offered a job and the very next day her feelings towards me changed. she said she needed space and for the next 4 weeks she kept me hanging on. to cut a long story short she's called it a day 2 weeks ago. the circumstances surrounding it were pretty horrific (we were staying with another couple of women and there was definate emotional, if not physical betrayal that occured). i had ended up moving into a hostel on my own and she continued living with the women even before she confirmed it was over. i have not been coping very well. i have bought self help books and read internet forums. i am extremely anxious and weepy a lot of the time. i feel paralysed with fear. the problem i had was that when this occured i was at the other side of the world with no-one and nothing and did not see it coming. my partner had a new job and new friends - she told me i had 'nothing' (my career isn't really transferable so we had planned that i'd take some time to figure out a career change or retrain). she had basically used me to get over to NZ and then dumped me overnight and turned into a different person. i stayed in the hostel as best i could, but my parents and friends thought i was getting lower and lower and needed to leave, so i've come to canada to stay with a friend. aside from the fact that i love her and do not want it to end (in my rational mind i know it's gone but i still have the crazy denial stuff going on) i am struggling trying to find a way forward. i don't have a home, job, family or friends, a pet to comfort or anything i can call my own here or in nz. i have limited money, a backpack and a spare room in my friends house in a country that isn't the one i had planned to spend my future in. my ex has said that she feels bad for me (we spent all the time before we came to nz ensuring that her resume and portfolio were great), so has said that she'd be willing to rent a 2 bedroom house and she would let me live there as her lodger until i sorted myself out. i have told her that i needed to get away to sort my head out but she keeps contacting me for money reasons. i don't want to feel forced to go home and not back to nz, but i have so much stuff going on in my head at the same time. my friend is away on business so i'm as alone here as i was in the hostel. i don't know at what point medication is the way forward, although i don't want to do this and think that i'll have no chance of making a go of it myself if i take this route.
EllaDerSpin Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 It is your choice but judging by the way you feel, being her lodger is not going to help you move on one bit.
pigeonsid Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Don't go back and live with her! My ex wanted to do something similar when he left me - he left, and then he wanted to move back into our place until he could move into his new place. At the time I wanted him back and I really would have said yes - luckily I talked to my friends first and they all told me not to do it. Now, in retrospect, I'm really glad that I just said no and began the process of cutting him out of my life forever right there and then. If she doesn't want to be with you, then living with her and seeing her every day is not going to make you feel any better - it's just going to be continuous pain. I would suggest going home, until you feel ready to make the move to NZ. A breakup is a very traumatic period - you need familiar things, people and support around you right now. It sounds as though your partner was the one who wanted to go to NZ, not as though that was what you wanted to do. (I may be wrong here though.) I say - don't make big changes yet. Give yourself time to mourn and be easy on yourself. And hang in there - it does get easier.
mark982 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 did her lady friend toss her out? is that why she wants to rent a house,that you can move into and pay the rent? is she saying anything else, besides money?
Author Kia Kaha Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 No, she's still living with them and the idea is that she pays the rent till i sort myself out because i have no job and nowhere to live. i was on decent money in the uk, but the wages i'm likely to get in NZ will be poor and i won't really be able to afford a place myself.
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