Question from the OW

[herenow]

The OP obviously believes that the BW feels threatened by her. If this weren't the case she wouldn't be so concerned about how to act if she sees the BW. Maybe it's the other way around and the OP is threatened by the BW. I really don't know, but I can tell you that regardless of what some people think, many BW really do put blame where it belongs. With the MM. The OW means little or nothing to some BW.

 

Why is it that some OW think they have any power over how the BW feels? It's the MM that should be thinking of how he should treat his W, or exW. To tell the truth, many BW don't really care what the OW has to say or how she says it.

 

Also, what makes you think the BW doesn't realize that she has dodged a bullet and looks at the OW as the poor soul who is now dealing with a problem that the BW is glad to be rid of?

 

Being a BW doesn't make a person a terminally wounded soul. To the OP, I say stop worrying about the BW and start paying attention to your boyfriend. Like I said if he doesn't figure out why he wasn't able to be honest with his wife during their marriage, there is a good chance he will start lying to you. Maybe small lies to begin with, so I would say get your own radar up and stop thinking about the BW.

[Owl]

I do not have the mentality that "cheating is okay". This broad brush-stroke of a label should not be applied to those of use who happen to differ on certain points with you.

 

Good point, and I definitely see the distinction.

 

I apologize...you're right, that was a poor assumption on my part.

[Ladyjane14]

My main point was that it is a waste of time, energy and the dignity of the BS to be consumed with hate, "sticking pins", wishing another person dead and the like. If the new relationship does not work out, that will be enough of a "satisfaction" I suspect for the BS. IF not, and the new couple remains strong and in love, it is better that the BS accept this with a certain grace.

 

Who says it's better?... you?

And who exactly are YOU to be the judge of what's "better" for other people?

 

I think it's possible to make the case that rolling over 'gracefully' on the part of the betrayed spouse might certainly be "better" for the adultery partners.

But I happen to be of the opinion that it's NOT necessarily "better" for the betrayed spouse.

 

There's no mandate on a betrayed wife, no law, that says she can't hate whoever she wants for as long as she's getting something out of it. And as long as she stays within the boundaries of the law... she can thwart that person for as long as she likes. It's my opinion, that there ARE some benefits to be had in a limited and healthy hate. It's empowering. It builds self-esteem. It makes her feel more in control of the circumstances surrounding her life. And it makes her feel less victimized.

 

So... you've got your opinion. I've got mine.

[Owl]

I would say that often in recovery the BS gets to a point where they don't "actively" hate the OP.

 

I don't think about OP really at all anymore, unless something happens to bring that whole situation back to my mind. And looking back, I can see things through his eyes somewhat...so I don't "actively" hate him.

 

But as I said earlier...if he showed up on my doorstep, or if he came back into the picture in any fashion or form...it would be "GAME ON!!!".

 

Given the scope of the pain caused by the affair...the vast majority of the BS's are likely to react so strongly to anything that has to do with the affair that they truly don't care about "dignity, grace, etc...".

 

There's nothing about the whole situation that creates a sense of dignity or grace. The whole thing is normally the greatest emotional turmoil that the BS has ever been forced to deal with...so expecting them to react to the one person they associate the most with that pain with grace or dignity might be a little unreasonable if you think about it.

 

Compare it to reacting with grace or dignity when encountering someone who raped you or severly traumatized you or someone you loved. That might give you a base mental picture to start from.

[justice]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

 

 

As the bs, I would have liked it if you would have turned around, acknowledged that I existed and would have stopped seeing my husband behind my back. And as the bs, I would I have preferred that you come clean to me when I asked you if you and my (now) xh were seeing each other. The total truth. I would have liked it even better if you would have realized that he was married and left him alone. But if what you are asking is how you should have acted around me when I was still married to my H, I would prefer that you not be overly friendly, I would prefer that you walk away altogether.

[twice_shy]

Twice-Shy,

In no way do I believe that an "OW" can destroy what you refer to here as "great marriages". What must have appeared "great" was not.

 

Ya, thats why I see some guys crying over their lost wives saying how they @#$!! everything up and screwed up a good thing.

 

But hey, they are cheaters, so why believe anything they say in the first place.

[twice_shy]

My main point was that it is a waste of time, energy and the dignity of the BS to be consumed with hate, "sticking pins", wishing another person dead and the like. If the new relationship does not work out, that will be enough of a "satisfaction" I suspect for the BS. IF not, and the new couple remains strong and in love, it is better that the BS accept this with a certain grace.

 

What I accept, as an X-BS, is that she is gone, I want nothing to do with her, and all I wish is for her to leave me alone.

 

I accept with grace that I am divorced from her and am thankful for that.

[DrIndigo]

The variety of responses is interesting and I appreciate them all. I hate copy/paste, so this is sort of a set of random responses to various thoughts that have been expressed.

I have a role in the pain this woman now feels. The separation is still relatively recent and happened within a couple of months of the BS learning of the affair. I hardly expect or would ever try to make her feel better but I don't wish to make her feel worse. So I think my primary question - how can I treat her most respectfully at this point - has been answered, at least in majority, by saying remain silent, respond if she speaks. When I ran into her, I made eye contact and then removed myself from the public space as quickly as possible. Her husband was not with me so there was just this awkward moment with the two of us looking at each other.

I could honestly tell her I'm sorry that she is in pain. However, I can see where she might find that idea a preposterous incitement. It was the first time I had seen her since she learned of the affair and it was a shocking experience to suddenly be looking at her. Until then, I had not really had to think of her as a real person. So when it happened, I felt an overwhelming need to respond in the humblest, most respectful way possible and could not begin to imagine what I would want if I were her in that situation.

I don't expect to see her often as we don't really share a social circle or work in the same field but like I said, we live in the same city and I know we frequent at least a couple of the same places. It helps to have a plan in place for dealing with the situation should it arise again.

[NoIDidn't]

Compare it to reacting with grace or dignity when encountering someone who raped you or severly traumatized you or someone you loved. That might give you a base mental picture to start from.

 

 

Wow. What a profound statement. The rape one.

 

I don't really agree that it applies, but the emotional reaction invoked is very similar. In many ways, being cheated on and left is much like being gang raped. Everyone involved took a piece of your dignity, whatever their contribution to the infidelity.

 

On the severely traumatized statement. I don't know that I have the strength to forgive someone of such an offense. God forbid my children were the victims instead of me!!!!

 

For those that think that they can tell another person how to respond, I hope they will keep that advice to themselves if a friend ever was in such a situation. It hurts far more than it helps. It minimizes the person's humanity and right to FEEL their feelings. You won't get through it unless you go (feel the feelings and all of their contradictions) through it.

[movinon05]

[/i][/i]

 

 

Why the "hate" and the "eternal enemy"? To prove what?

 

If a marriage was so bad that it ended in divorce, that is a matter between the two married partners. No "OW" can break up a strong marriage. With certain exceptions as have been articulated already on this board, most of the time the BS is aware that he or she has had something actively to do with the demise of the marriage. Very often the problems which overcome a marriage can be rectified. When they are not, the marriage itself comes to an end. The presence of an OW or OM is a symptom of what is wrong, but not the cause.

 

This said, in the case where the MM marries the OW, the BS might accept the fact that the spouse has fallen in love and that the first marriage was not meant to endure. Living with hate destroys only the person bearing the hate, and only empowers he or she on its receiving end--i.e. as a form of emotional control. It is a total waste of time and energy.

 

The BS should come to terms with the turn of events, maintain her dignity and establish her own happiness. The "OW" is not her problem.

 

I occasionally come back to these boards out of boredom as my A is long over and I have no need. But I came upon this thread and felt compelled to respond, with a twist.

 

I am a former OW. The A lasted 7 years (on and off sometimes). Its been over for 3 years now. He stayed with his W. We live in a small town and there were many occasions that I would see the W in stores or whatever. She was totally aggressive towards me, including when her children were with her. There were times when she was physically violent with me. Other times laughing (because she assumed he was not involved with me), calling me bytch, whore, slut, whatever. And even her children to this day confront me when they see me. Even though I was the one who knew whether we were actively still together (and most times we were - she would just keep finding out afterwards), not once did I react to her aggression. I just walked away.

 

To this day, when she sees me, she still reacts aggressively. Fortunately, its not that often.

 

My point is this. I wholeheartedly agree with OE. I can easily look back now and say I was not the problem. (not saying I'm taking no responsibility, so please don't go there. I'm trying to make a point). From what I understand, her H is still fooling around. Yet, she can't help but hurl her wrath at me, and pretend to the world that her M is just fine. What she also doesn't realize is that she's not affecting me one way or the other. I've gone on with my life. She can have him. I do not want him. She always said to me "You won the big prize" and then begged him to come back. So now she has "the big prize." Have him! You think you've won something so wonderful, fine.

 

It seems to me she should be totally ignoring me at this point. Not even acknowledging my presence. But she just can't help herself.

 

I don't mean this to be a TJ, I just wanted to support OE's statements and perhaps give another perspective to what I believe she is saying.

[Owl]

It seems to me she should be totally ignoring me at this point. Not even acknowledging my presence. But she just can't help herself.

 

 

Again, I don't get it.

 

Put yourself in the position of having suffered the most awful betrayal and emotional trauma you have EVER been put through. Imagine yourself totally and completely shattered by someone you cared for...and their accomplice. The person that they destroyed you for.

 

Imagine this...that you were the person who ordered someone to be tortured. Regardless of whether or not you wanted them to be tortured...just imagine that for whatever reason, you were the person who picked them out of a crowd to be randomly tortured. Say it was even to save your own skin from being tortured...

 

Can you picture the subject of that torture...the person you selected to be tormented...as ever forgiving you? Even if it was to avoid torture yourself...do you think that you'd have the right to expect them to forgive you?

 

THAT is what you represent to your MM/MW's BS.

 

Not someone who 'made a mistake'. Who "never meant this to happen". Who's 'sorry that someone got hurt'.

 

 

Don't laugh at this. A lot of of professionals recognize the trauma experienced by BS's as truly equivilant to rape, abuse victims, or those who have had children die. As a combat veteran, the emotional trauma I went through as a result of my wife's EA was WORSE than that I dealt with as a result of combat.

 

 

Now eventually...some BS's will get to a point where they can move past and forgive that. But a lot of them don't.

 

But expecting that they "SHOULD" is nothing short of ridiculous. Clearly you have no concept of the scope of the pain that they've gone through...so attempting to say what they "SHOULD" be feeling is equally foolish.

 

Look at it this way...most of the OW/OM on the other forum get HIGHLY offended when BS's come over there and tell them that the "SHOULD" get over it...because the MM was never theirs anyway. Rightfully so...because regardless of the situation, the OM/OW was deeply hurt over the loss of the relationship. Now...compound that loss FAR more (exponentially so)...because of the years of history, built trust, etc...that existed for most of the BS's.

 

Give it some thought.

[Owl]

I know that my last post seems harsh...and its not intended as an attack or confrontation.

 

I'm wanting to try to convey the scope and size of the pain and trauma that most BS's go through...which is why there is so often never any forgiveness felt by the BS for the OM/OW. The OM/OW represent a willing party in the betrayal...for some, even as the instigator of that betrayal.

 

Realize that I don't feel this way about any of the OM/OW on this forum...or any others for that matter. I'm hoping that by expressing what the depth of that trauma is to most BS's, it helps them understand WHY they get the reaction they do..especially from the BS in their own situation.

 

I hope that clears my previous post up some.

[movinon05]

I fully understand what you (Owl and BNB) are saying. I guess I should've made my point clearer.

 

First off, understand, that I found out I was not the first, nor am I the last. This A was the longest - 7 yrs - and he left numerous times, promised me the moon, etc., just to end up going back.

 

But my point is this. The real problem is there is something wrong in that M for him to keep looking elsewhere, being involved with other women. And he is the one who keeps doing this to her. (again, I'm not taking away from my responsibility nor am I taking away from her pain). But, one would think she would be taking a good hard look at her H and her M to try to figure THAT out! For instance, if a H is going to have a 7 yr long A with one woman, what does that say about your M and his feelings for you? Instead, when she sees me now, she laughs at me. As if to say "Ha ha, you lost. I won." It serves no purpose, other than maybe it makes her feel good. But the fact of the matter is that I don't want him. I've learned enough about him and that experience to know that I do not want him nor will I ever want him. I am not a threat to her.

 

She can hate on me for the rest of her life, but its serving no purpose. In MY opinion, she "should" be looking at her life and her M and her H. Sorry if I use the word "should", but that's just MY opinion.

 

I know his true colors now. Apparently, she does not, or she's choosing to live in denial of the kind of man she is married to and the kind of M she has.

 

Again, sorry for the T/J.

[whichwayisup]

But my point is this. The real problem is there is something wrong in that M for him to keep looking elsewhere, being involved with other women.

 

No, it's not his marriage, it's him. Seems he's a serial cheater and there's something broken inside of him.

[movinon05]

You both make a good point. Perhaps she needs to look at that aspect. Its not her, its him. Obviously you can't fix what's broken.

[jj2007]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

 

Well, If I apply this to my situation, when I saw my H's OW out in public was when she was following me, harrassing me, etc. I did not confront her, I just kept a metal baseball bat in my car in case I needed to defend myself. I told the OW that she could have him and if he wanted to move in with her and her H, they could all be one big happy family! She didn't like that too well. I just wanted her to leave me the hell alone. I used to hate her but now I don't give a sh!# about her and I am glad she found something else to do.

 

If I were you, I would just leave her alone. I agree with LJ. Nothing you can say or do is going to help her at this point.