City_girl Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I don't know why I feel so bad tonight. I keep thinking about him, how nice it was when we were together, how happy he seemed. I know he used me but part of me can't believe he kept coming back to me for four months if he felt nothing. I know I had to walk yet again when after 3 days together he went off on a weekend and ignored my text. I had a scare from a cold sore and he just left me on the phone crying and hasn't contacted me to see how I am. I bought him a present which Ican't give him now but I want to because all I wanted was to be with him, be close to him, make love to him, make him smile.....I wanted to see his smile when he got the little things he has always wanted but didn't know how to find, took me 3 days to find them and they arrived after out last fall out. I'm so sad and lonely tonight, wish I could just call him and go lie in his bed in his arms but I know I can't , I know he doesn't care in my head, know he has no respect for me in my head but I think I must love him and my heart is really having trouble accepting the truth.
loveralone Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I'm so sorry you're feeling like that right now...I can honestly say I know what you're going through. When I was younger, I was involved with a guy - let's just call him Bob - for about 4 months or so. I honestly had fun with, enjoyed being around, had great sex with...but he REFUSED to be my boyfriend. He told me he wouldn't have sex with anybody else (who even knows if that was true or not?!), but he wouldn't promise not to see other people. Okay, so at least he was honest, right...? I knew I had to end things the night that I found out a dear friend of mine had died... I was all alone, an hour away from my family and friends that knew him (the friend that died), and the only person I could think to call was Bob. When Bob got on the phone, he asked me what my problem was, and when I told him, he said "That's it? What are you crying for? My mom died 5 years ago and I still haven't cried about it." And then he told me he needed to get off the phone because he was about to watch a movie. He hung up and left me sitting there crying all alone, and didn't call again for about a week... Looking back, I realize the only reason that I was even with this douchey guy in the first place was because he was seemingly SO CONFIDENT about himself, and I had so little confidence in myself, he made me feel special for throwing some attention my way. What I've learned, though, is it doesn't matter what kind of issues a guy like that has. It doesn't matter what his reason is for walking away and then coming back. What matters is why you're allowing it. Do you really think that little of yourself? That you are not worth more than the left-over scraps of his life that he's throwing at you when it's convenient to him? Honestly? Sweety, I know how bad it hurts - again, I've been there with a guy like that - so, please trust me when I say that YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE! You sound like you would be a great girl for the right man - a man who would appreciate your efforts to do sweet things like buying hard-to-find gifts! And wouldn't you rather be appreciated for being that kind of woman, rather than crying over all the bullsquish this guy is putting you through?! No matter what, just keep reminding yourself that your are worth more. (Just a side note, my involvement with Bob was about 10 years ago, and I hadn't heard from him since I stopped coming around whenever it pleased him. He found me on myspace this past summer and sent me a few emails. When I didn't respond to the first one, he sent me another one saying "What, no hi? Don't you know who this is?" to which I replied "Yes I know who this is, which is why there is no "hi"..." And that felt really good. )
loveralone Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 By the way, I'm sorry if that all sounds presumptuous...I don't know anything more about your situation than this one post....I'm sorry if it comes off like I know EXACTLY what you're going through, because (obviously) I don't...But i hope you find some comfort...
Author City_girl Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) Loveralone, you do know exactly how I feel. This man is also a Bob. I thought he had given me herpes and all he could say is "I don't want you getting upset over nothing, we can still be friends you know"....He had once told me the cruelest thing to say to a lover is can we be freinds. Before he did that, I knew I had to end it when my electric supply was not working for two nights. I stayed with him for one of those nights but had to pay for and take over chineese food, he also tried for beer but I refused. I don't even drink. The next night I had to be there to wait for the engineer. I spent the night alone in the dark and he knew, didn't come over, didn't send any food. I knew I was still alone then but held on, only a day later he forgot all about me and didn't reply to a message I sent. I ended it then when he remembered me on his way home. I knew and couldn't pretend to myself any more that he would change or cared a jot about me. My self esteem has been shot, all of my family died, my mother, Father, brother and finally my boyfriend, then I had a car crash, fought my way back from disability, didn't date for years and then only 2 men in 5 yrs of which he was one. He knows all of this and still used me. Not much of a man I know. I know I have settled for emotional crumbs and I know he has far deeper issues than I have now. I guess I am starved of love. There is no one who tells me they love me in my life.I know I am selling myself short but having hit 42 I am suddenly aware that my beauty is fading and maybe men like this cash in on that. I am always told that I am beautiful and no one believes how old I am when I tell them. I just have to get my confidence back I guess. Thank you Loveralone, I can't think of anything else that could have been said that would make me feel better than your post did. I will throw away the present, maybe throw it in the sea and throw him out from my heart with it. Edited March 21, 2008 by City_girl
mortensorchid Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I can come off as being cold, unfeeling, and harsh at times, people tell me. But, I hurt too. All I can say is that you will get better, years from now you won't even remember his name if you're lucky. You'll get through it, like we all do.
loveralone Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I seriously wish I could give you the biggest hug ever right now! Your story breaks my heart, and I am so sorry that you have had so many "bumps" along lifes road....I can't even imagine how hard that has all been for you! But that is EXACTLY why you should not waist one more tear on this man! He isn't doing anything to make your life amazing and wonderful. Surround yourself with beautiful things in life, things that make YOU feel beautiful! I wish I had more time to write right now, because there's so much that I wish I could say...But I'm going to pray for you that God shows you a love that you've never known before. He loves you so much and is just waiting for you to fall in his arms and let him love you.... Also, keep in mind that 30 is the new 20, so really 40 is the new 30! *HUGS!*
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