Rogue Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 for some. i can personally attest to the fact that once *I* commit in *my* head, it's F O R E V E R. How many guys have you been in love with?
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I think you should move out and start dating other people. He will either realize he doesn't want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to him and propose and marry you (don't wait over a couple months to get married, go to Maui or Vegas), or he won't and you know he doesn't love you truly. If he truly loves you he will want to marry you.
Kamille Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 friggin bastard Tecate! I have a question NYCgirl... Where are both you and your bf in regards to your life desires: career wise, house wise, etc? Might that in any ways explain why he doesn't feel ready? A few men I know proposed once they feel they have found 'their' job. Others only once they could finally put some money towards a home.
Rogue Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Tecate! I have a question NYCgirl... Where are both you and your bf in regards to your life desires: career wise, house wise, etc? Might that in any ways explain why he doesn't feel ready? A few men I know proposed once they feel they have found 'their' job. Others only once they could finally put some money towards a home. Those are very good questions.
NuTuDating Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) Finances? Rings are expensive, you know. I'm big on having virtually no debt at all and the last two girls I dated seriously (both within the past two years) have wanted rings badly. I didn't understand the rush. That said, you've been dating quite a bit longer than I had when they started pressuring me for a ring. Had I been ready financially, I might have popped the question to one or the other. However, I'm remodeling the house and that comes first before a ring, so that there's somewhere decent to live when I do get married. Neither woman understood this and nagged me so much about a ring until I got to the point that even if I had been ready to get the ring, it was no more special than buying groceries. Give it a little longer, and don't bring it up so often. You're both still very young. Don't pressure him so much that HE feels backed into a corner. Edited March 21, 2008 by NuTuDating
xpaperxcutx Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 OP, there was another thread on here just the other day about being together for 11 years, and the guy still hasn't proposed to her yet. The poster gave him an ultimatum and in the end they ended it. The thread has similar problems to your situation. More likely than not, your bf has gotten too comfortable with you, especially living together. But three years is not really a long time to consider marriage. I think it's more important to think about why you want to be married in the first place. Is it committment issues? Or something else? Don't ever force an issue if the other person already expressed their opinion on it. Especially a guy. No guy wants ultimatums, and being backed into a corner. But if you feel that the relationship is truly going nowhere, do you think you'll be happier just breaking up?
Mary3 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 You said you did not feel happy being backed into a wall, but you did the same thing to him. You cannot pressure him into an engagement. He has made it clear how he has felt. Why throw away a relationship that is so great simply because you do not have the piece of paper saying you are married? Wow ! I could not have said it better.....
Walk Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I understand your desire to have your bf show that he's serious about this relationship. I know that feelin of wanting your bf to put his money where his mouth is. He's already told you he wants marriage, and wants to be with you for life, but when push came to shove.... you feel he's balking at the implied promise he made to you. What were the reasons your bf gave for not feeling ready for marriage yet? I don't recall you saying anything about those. Did you ask? I think you need to ask yourself ultimately why are you with this man? If what you want is marriage, and the rest doesn't matter, then go find a guy who will marry you. It shouldn't be too hard at that point because any one would do. If what you want is to feel secure in the relationship because of the marriage license and ring, then you're delluding yourself. Marriage doesn't assure solidity in the relationship. In fact, it usually causes it's own set of problems and hassels. It seems as if what you want is your bf to outwardly show his commitment to you by proposing. You've fixated on this as the only way he could prove his desire to be with you. When I'm positive that your bf has been showing through actions for several years now that he is commited to you. Take a look at the little things he's doing, how he acts with you, ways he shows you he loves you ever day. Those are the meaningful actions. Those are the ones that tell you whether he's serious about this relationship, or just sticking around out of laziness and comfort. You don't need a ring to tell you how your bf feels about you and this relationship. You just need to open your eyes.
Kiss Dont Miss Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I think it is strange he offers you to break when you don't like waiting for him getting ready. Maybe he is just afraid of hurting you and just want you to make the first step in your falling apart as a couple? Talk it over. And think about living separately for some time. Best of luck to you, Kiss dont Miss
brenda collins Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I do think you are very young to be thinking about marriage. It is often, but not always the case that when people marry to young it can end in disaster. You change a lot in your twenties, and sometimes people can get married and love each other very much but by the time they hit mid thirties realize they are too different and want diffrent things. On the other hand however, you need to make sure that this guy does eventually want to get married and have children with you. If he wont commit now, even though u are acting like a married couple anyway. will he evr commit. Some WOmen waste years of their lives with a man who wont marry them or have children with them, but they stay with them anyway in the mere hope that one day they might change their mind. unfortuantly sometimes they never do. I knew a woman who was with a guy for twenty years who kept putting marriage and children off, she is now sixty and happily married to someone else, but it was too late for her to have children by the time she wised up and moved on. ANother woman was with a man who she was constantly wanting to have children and marriage commitments with. He wouldnt commit but she hung around anyway. unfortuantly he left her for another woman and she is now 35 and single. her biological clock ticking away. Not everyone wants marriage and children, and thats fine.But if u do want that and u think u are with someone who doesnt , get out fast cause he may never commit and u might find yourself alone and without children
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 Sounds about right. He gains nothing more than what he already has if he were to get married to you at this point. He has the live-in lover, the roommate to share expenses and household chores, and the friend to hang out with (rather than the gf to go out dates with). I imagine your romantic life is not as romantic as it used to be because you don't go out as often, don't plan dates, etc. And because he isn't interested in marriage now, he's not thinking about making plans for the future, such as buying a house, having children, pooling savings in order to make such dreams come true. I think you have a third choice between accepting the situation as-is and breaking up. I think you can move out and continue to date. That way you won't have to feel like his comfy wife since you are NOT, and he won't feel like you are pressuring him to marry you. That may not be ideal for either of you, but the current situation is not ideal for you as you'll build up resentment and insecurity the longer you "wait" for him to decide he wants to be married. Maybe you both need to live separately and be independent for as long as it takes to actually want to be married and create a lifetime together. well it is interesting you say this because I brought that up and said maybe we should have seperate appartments and still be together and he said "NO, this would be taking a step back" I said well if you don't want to take a step foward then why not back and he said it made no sense
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 on the other hand..... wouldn't you like the kind of love that transcended other people's expectations? wouldn't you like to believe that your so didn't want to marry you cause they didn't belvie in marriage...cause so many of them end in divorce that what's the point? why align yourself with all of THEM? i think it's importnat to trust your so enough not to need a piece of paper. on the other hand, it's important to know your so loves you enough to sign a piece of paper if its important to you. both are valid povs... do you trust him? yes i trust him a lot, he has NEVER given me a reason not to and he says he wants to get married but feels there is a number of reasons why he is not yet ready
Rogue Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 If he truly loves you he will want to marry you. Rubbish! Marriage has got nothing to do with love.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 well it is interesting you say this because I brought that up and said maybe we should have seperate appartments and still be together and he said "NO, this would be taking a step back" I said well if you don't want to take a step foward then why not back and he said it made no sense For some reason I just got really mad reading this. How selfish of him to not at least consider your position on this.
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Rubbish! Marriage has got nothing to do with love. I tend to agree with this sentiment. I've been married once. Personally I don't feel all that eager to do it again. My SO is very interested in getting married and speaks of it often. He knows how reluctant I am, though. I some ways, NYC, I am sort of like your BF in your situation. I finally told my SO that we could get married in 2015. No reason why, it just seemed like a date that was sufficiently far away at the time. The great thing is - my SO is totally NOT pressuring me to do anything. He completely accepts things as they are and we know we love each other and don't want to be with anyone else. So we are happy with the way things are now. I'm sure when 2015 gets closer, I'll probably start to freak out, though. So what exactly is it about marraige that you want? Is it the symbol of commitment? The tax relief? The ability to be on his insurance?
nicki Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Some people simply want to be married. No great mystery. It IS the biggest and most visible way to commit to another person, especially if you want to have children together. As another poster put it, when push comes to shove, it's question of the boyfriend putting the money where his mouth is (wow, two cliches in a row!) Generally speaking, I wouldn't live with anyone unless I was married to them. That's the whole incentive of getting married. So you can live with the other person and be with them all the time. That the exciting part of getting married! BUT, I would live with someone if I didn't want to get married in general. Confusing, but not really. It's a matter of intention. I wouldn't need that piece of paper because I didn't want it, even if I did want a close, commited relationship. Which I could get by living together. My mom has lived with her boyfriend for over 15 years, They are commited, love each other, wear rings, but NEITHER one wants the whole marriage deal. The key is that both parties have to feel the same way. When one wants marriage and the other doesn't, you have a clash of desires. It's not fair for either party to compromise. It really is an all or nothing thing. I agree that it would be a great idea to move out and live separately for a while. If you do decide to do that, then make sure you do it without any anger. Simply tell him that you love him and want more than what you have and it now feels wrong to live together and not be married. Let him know that you want to continue being in a relationship with him. Be positive. Make it about what you need, while respecting his decision to not get married at this point. Remove the benefit of marriage and maybe it will be enough incentive for him to propose to get that level of comfort back....Also, by moving out, you will have time to evaluate what it is you want from being married. What is the benefit to you? What will it change? You do have the right to be happy and get what you want. Many men do commit once the woman pulls away, but do it for yourself. Act in a way that protects you and honors you in the situation you are in now, and let go of the future....see what happens.
Kamille Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 yes i trust him a lot, he has NEVER given me a reason not to and he says he wants to get married but feels there is a number of reasons why he is not yet ready NYC, you haven't replied to my earlier question. What are his reason for not feeling ready yet? To me, the moving out sounds like a form of manipulative ultimatum. I don't think your goal is to force someone into marrying you. What you can do is try and understanding his point of view and get him to alleviate your fears about his motivations. I think if you focused on trying to understand what the root of his desire to wait a bit are, then maybe you won't feel like he has you pegged in the live-in gf category forever. We don't know that this is what is going on, what we do know is that this is the fear that you are basing your analysis of the situation on. He is saying he wants to marry you, just not ready now. Why? What are his reasons? Do you think they're valid?
sally4sara Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Precisely. At this point, what motivation does he have to propose? This is exactly why I will never live with someone again until there's a ring on my finger. I agree with NJ's recommendation about living separately for a while... All for a ring on your finger? If the guy not proposing means he is already getting what he wants, then we assume that the girl isn't getting what she wants. But if you are not getting what you want out of your relationship, how is a ring and a binding contract going to change that? No, she is wanting to get married because she IS getting what she wants out of being with him. They are already committed to each other and sharing their life with each other. The only thing that will change is that she will have a ring and be legally bound to him. If we then try to assume his lack of wanting to do that now/yet means he has doubts or doesn't know if she is what he wants, does that also mean she shouldn't expect this relationship to last? If it means they are likely to break up, then all a marriage certificate will do about that is make it more complicated when they break. If they share expenses and never got married, but continued to plan and even have children there will be nothing she stands to loose that she couldn't loose anyway with a marriage certificate. There is nothing he might get out of without being married that he couldn't get out of with one. Why not just buy a ring.
NuTuDating Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 It looks like he told her why. She's asking why he won't propose and he told her and now she's asking for a second opinion? I don't get it.
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