nycgirl110 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26, we have been together for over three years now. Our relationship has been serious since the begining and we were exclusive after 3 weeks and then moved in together after 1.5 yrs and have been living together now for over a year and a half. I have brought up marriage before and so has he. In fact he started talking about marriage and the future after only a few weeks after we started dating. Last night I brought up an engagement and he said he did not have the "feeling" that it is right for us to get engaged yet. I asked him how long he thought he wanted to wait and he said he does not know, could be a year or two or he may not be ready till he is 29, he does not know and says he wont give me a timeframe or be presured into it. We live together, spend almost all our time together and he constently tells me he loves me, and everyone thinks we are great together, including us and he says he wants me to be his wife one day, but that he is not ready to propose and we are too young to get married. I say I want a commitment and why does he think he wont propose in a year or so and he just says he is not ready, but he always talked about marriage first. Next, he tells me that "I either have to be able to except the way things are, continue living together until he is ready to propose or that if I can't I can end things now and break up with him, but that he does not want to break up." I did not like being backed into a wall and told to either go his way or breakup and end it, i did not feel that was fare. Now I don't know if I should stay and wait till he is ready, which he says he will be one day or if I should leave and find someone else? Is it me or is he just not ready? Is it possible that he does want to marry me and for me to be the mother of his children the way he says or is he just not sure about me, hense "not having the feeling he is ready" He says we will get engaged and married but I am not sure how long I want to/should wait for him. Will he ever be ready. what do you think, I would love opinions? Thanks, Don't know what to do
Carmen87 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 You said you did not feel happy being backed into a wall, but you did the same thing to him. You cannot pressure him into an engagement. He has made it clear how he has felt. Why throw away a relationship that is so great simply because you do not have the piece of paper saying you are married?
Saxis Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) First, you shouldn't feel like you're being backed into a wall. It sounds more like the other way around. Was he not correct in stating your options? That's really what you have to decide. Is this worth the wait? I also don't understand what part of that commitment he hasn't already given you. You're exclusive, you live together, he's assured you as much as he can without actually proposing. This sounds like insecurity on your part. What are you in a rush for? Afraid he'll wander off if it's not legal? Those are much bigger concerns to address than why he's not ready. Pushing that issue will almost guarantee failure. 3 years might be enough time for some people, but not everyone. It's probably the biggest life decision he'll ever make. Nerves can play devil's advocate fairly easily with something like this. Give him space, don't mention the M word, decide if you're willing to wait and just enjoy the time you spend together. Obsessing will kill it for both of you. Edited March 20, 2008 by Saxis
reelwoman Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I tend to agree with the other posts--plus, though you won't want to hear this, you seem VERY young to be even thinking about marriage! Try to think of the relationship as a journey you're taking together, not as a means to an end. If it's his guy and this relationships you want, you HAVE that. Marriage may or may not happen for you with this guy, but the question is: are you process-oriented or results-oriented? Enjoy the process, be present with him, let him know that you are committed and that he makes you happy. If he feels that marriage has become something he HAS to do to make you happy or to keep you from leaving, that is not going to motivate him to want to do it. Marriage is a HUGE thing to undertake. It's not something that is just the logical outcome of any committed relationship. Are YOU so sure you will still love him in 50 years? or 20, or even 10? I would relax and just be in the relationship you're in, let it go where it's going to go. If it doens't end in marriage, does that mean it was a waste of time? you will still have had a wonderful, happy relationship, learned a lot about yourself, and will be a more mature person, able to go on to another relationship having learned something about what you want and what works for you. I think that's still a great thing.
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 thank you, i really did not try to back him into a wall but I see your poin
soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 NYC, you didnt say this, or perhaps I missed it, but are you afraid of getting pigeonholed into eternally being just his live-in girlfriend? Is that where the pressure is coming from? To be fair, I think he did back you into a wall as well. As you said, his way or the highway. Did you give him a time limit when you asked him about getting engaged?
Rogue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 He's backing you into a corner? You're backing him into a corner pressurising him into marriage. He's right, you are to young to be considering marriage. Marriage is a huge commitment and something you don't enter into lightly.
Rogue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 To be fair, I think he did back you into a wall as well. I actually disagree with this. What he did was be honest and state the only two possible outcomes. What he said was as a direct consequence of being pressurised into marriage.
soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 While I am glad I did not get married at 25/26, I truly do believe some people can be ready for it at that age. NYC, did you pressure him, or did you ask questions that you have every right to get answers to? There is a difference. It's your relationship too, and after three years you have every right to asked where his heads at with regard to marriage. I dont want to split hairs over whether or not who backed who into a wall, that's not the real issue here.
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 not yet, but i have a time line in my head and he seemed to make it clear that a year to a year and a half is not what he wants and it was in that
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 i am afraid that I have become the live in girlfriend that is more of a wife then a girlfriend and he is so confey with this that he has no reason to change it
Author nycgirl110 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 he talked about marriage from the very begining so much that that was what I thought he wanted, I asked when do you think you will be ready and he roled his eyes and gave me a heard time and that makes me worried that he is questioning me and not just taking more time
norajane Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 i am afraid that I have become the live in girlfriend that is more of a wife then a girlfriend and he is so confey with this that he has no reason to change it Sounds about right. He gains nothing more than what he already has if he were to get married to you at this point. He has the live-in lover, the roommate to share expenses and household chores, and the friend to hang out with (rather than the gf to go out dates with). I imagine your romantic life is not as romantic as it used to be because you don't go out as often, don't plan dates, etc. And because he isn't interested in marriage now, he's not thinking about making plans for the future, such as buying a house, having children, pooling savings in order to make such dreams come true. I think you have a third choice between accepting the situation as-is and breaking up. I think you can move out and continue to date. That way you won't have to feel like his comfy wife since you are NOT, and he won't feel like you are pressuring him to marry you. That may not be ideal for either of you, but the current situation is not ideal for you as you'll build up resentment and insecurity the longer you "wait" for him to decide he wants to be married. Maybe you both need to live separately and be independent for as long as it takes to actually want to be married and create a lifetime together.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Sounds about right. He gains nothing more than what he already has if he were to get married to you at this point. He has the live-in lover, the roommate to share expenses and household chores, and the friend to hang out with (rather than the gf to go out dates with). I imagine your romantic life is not as romantic as it used to be because you don't go out as often, don't plan dates, etc. And because he isn't interested in marriage now, he's not thinking about making plans for the future, such as buying a house, having children, pooling savings in order to make such dreams come true. I think you have a third choice between accepting the situation as-is and breaking up. I think you can move out and continue to date. That way you won't have to feel like his comfy wife since you are NOT, and he won't feel like you are pressuring him to marry you. That may not be ideal for either of you, but the current situation is not ideal for you as you'll build up resentment and insecurity the longer you "wait" for him to decide he wants to be married. Maybe you both need to live separately and be independent for as long as it takes to actually want to be married and create a lifetime together. Precisely. At this point, what motivation does he have to propose? This is exactly why I will never live with someone again until there's a ring on my finger. I agree with NJ's recommendation about living separately for a while...
spookie Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 on the other hand..... wouldn't you like the kind of love that transcended other people's expectations? wouldn't you like to believe that your so didn't want to marry you cause they didn't belvie in marriage...cause so many of them end in divorce that what's the point? why align yourself with all of THEM? i think it's importnat to trust your so enough not to need a piece of paper. on the other hand, it's important to know your so loves you enough to sign a piece of paper if its important to you. both are valid povs... do you trust him?
soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) I think you have a third choice between accepting the situation as-is and breaking up. I think you can move out and continue to date. Agreed. Not to say that would be easy. NYC, you have to know what you want before you make this decision. See Spookie's above post. Edited March 20, 2008 by soulseeker
spookie Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Do you trust him? Do you trust that he CARES, that he cares how you feel, that he cares if you hurt? cause if you do... who CARES abotu marriage, really? you've found someone you love, who loves you back. THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. hold on to that, with all you've got. it's not easy to find. screw marriage certificates. you DO realize that many of them don't mean jack s!ht, right? love's important. to believe in love, you've gotta have faith. where's your faith at?
Rogue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 on the other hand, it's important to know your so loves you enough to sign a piece of paper if its important to you. That is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard. No wonder people get divorced.
soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 This is exactly why I will never live with someone again until there's a ring on my finger. Same here.
spookie Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 That is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard. No wonder people get divorced. i'm just saying. both views are valid. if you love someone enough to be there forever, it isnt hard to sign a paper that says, "i do". on the other hand, if you really love someone, who CARES about the paper? i seriously belive in both 100%, 100% of the time.
spookie Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 if you love someone, you'd walk across an ocean for them. that's what i believe, i guess. the other crap means s!ht.
Rogue Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 love's important. to believe in love, you've gotta have faith. Love is a fantasy. In reality love is nothing more than a chemical reaction inside the brain designed to encourage procreation. After about 6 - 18 months, this feeling wears off.
spookie Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Love is a fantasy. In reality love is nothing more than a chemical reaction inside the brain designed to encourage procreation. After about 6 - 18 months, this feeling wears off. for some. i can personally attest to the fact that once *I* commit in *my* head, it's F O R E V E R.
Rogue Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 i'm just saying. both views are valid. if you love someone enough to be there forever, it isnt hard to sign a paper that says, "i do". on the other hand, if you really love someone, who CARES about the paper? i seriously belive in both 100%, 100% of the time. But nobody can see into the future. Marriage and divorce are life affecting issues and need to be taken seriously and not frivolously. I was engaged when I was 25 years old. Thank Christ I didn't marry her. I was far too young. At that age you are still discovering who you are and until you do that, you are no good to anybody.
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