Feels So Cliche...

[sydney2008]

As in the nagging wife who says "You never take me anywhere." My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I feel like in the past 6 months, he has gotten lazy in terms of putting any effort into our relationship. We both love each other, but he is always "too tired" to do anything.

 

He sits at home every night after work and plays on the computer. He is obsessed with online card games. He will make plans to do something once in awhile with me, and 100% of the time he breaks them, that he is "too tired," to do anything. Keep in mind that I do not constantly nag him to take me out or do things, I am quite content to be at home most of the time. I dress well, look good and I don't feel that he is cheating, or not attracted to me, more like oh well, she is my wife, why bother, she is with me regardless type thing.

 

I do get the fact that he is tired from work, and isn't always in the mood to go out, but I feel like I've been more than accommodating. Also, I am not asking for expensive dinners or going out to a bar every night or something. A walk, a coffee shop, anything once or twice a week.

 

He's also gotten lazy in the bedroom. We are both young and attractive and I try hard to keep things going, but I've all but given up. It consists of him coming to bed at 11 or 12 after he has finished playing games, and either jerking off beside me while I sleep or pulling it out and being like "hi," to me. Needless to say it's not working for me.

 

I am getting really upset. I've tried talking to him rationally about it, offering support, trying to see if he is depressed or bored or what, and getting angry/crying. The latest blowup was when we made plans to have a drink with one of our best friends for his birthday (hubby often cancels last minute), which I had been looking forward to (was our only outing in months). We fought, I went alone, our friend was hurt, but he stayed home to play online/look at porn/smoke pot etc.

 

Any ideas? I don't want to leave him, but I can't live for the next 30 years with someone who grunts hello to me, talks about his latest poker hand incessantly through dinner, and never wants to leave the house. I know that if things continue like this, we will grow apart, and it won't work.

[annieo]

Does he smoke dope very frequently (daily, several times a day)? Anybody I've known who does either becomes an apathetic lump or a paranoid hysteric. Or both, at different times.

Does he watch a lot of porn (an masturbate to it)? That could kill his need for a sex life with you.

I think your complaints are founded and he is, for whatever reason, taking you for granted. If you've laid it on the line to him, let him know how you're feeling and it doesn't make any difference, my advice is to make plans without him (he's probably going to cancel anyway) and try to get out for your own sake. Your actions might make more of an impression than your words.

[TechDude]

Does you name imply you are in Sydney? (I'm from oz too).

 

he has gotten lazy in terms of putting any effort into our relationship.

but he is always "too tired" to do anything.

 

He sits at home every night after work and plays on the computer. He is obsessed with online card games.

 

He's also gotten lazy in the bedroom.

 

It consists of him coming to bed at 11 or 12 after he has finished playing games, and either jerking off beside me while I sleep or pulling it out and being like "hi," to me.

 

We fought, I went alone, our friend was hurt, but he stayed home to play online/look at porn/smoke pot etc.

 

Any ideas?

Diagnosis is simple. Solution is not.

 

He has an addiction.

 

Hi internet connection needs to "break" for a while. (If you want some technical assistance in this area, let me know).

 

I know ... I spend hours on forums (not this one) when I should be doing other things. I end up going to bed somewhere between 11 and 1 and wonder why I'm tired all the time.

 

but I can't live for the next 30 years with someone who grunts hello to me, talks about his latest poker hand incessantly through dinner, and never wants to leave the house.

No, you can't. You need to make it clear to him that it can't go on like this. Maybe you could keep a diary for him for a week and at the end of the week work out how much time he spends doing his various activities. Explain to him that 20 hours per week playing poker and 2 hours per week with you is not going to work.

 

I know that if things continue like this, we will grow apart, and it won't work.

How would he react if you told him you can't go on like this and were thinking about leaving. I'm not suggesting an ultimatum (yet), but he needs to get the message about how serious this is.

 

Chances are his addiction is to avoid something else, perhaps something he does not want to deal with.

 

It consists of him coming to bed at 11 or 12 after he has finished playing games, and either jerking off beside me while I sleep or pulling it out and being like "hi," to me.

If you were to put on something sexy at, say, 9pm, and try to entice him to bed than ... what would his response be?

 

If there is any time he does do something good (or is just "with you") away from the computer, perhaps you could give him lots of positive reinforcement. You might, little by little, be able to convince him that life is good away from the computer too.

 

In the end, though, the key is what he is trying to avoid. You may end up having to get him to seek IC or both of you seek MC (which may point him to IC).