pigeonsid Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I fully advocate rebounding! But it has to be done correctly, and I think that's why it gets a bad rep because it is a very difficult situation to navigate. When you break up you're so emotional and in so much pain, it's easy to seize onto someone and want to be in another relationship. I was really lucky that soon after I broke up I rebounded with someone who had broken up around the same time I had. We were both in very bad emotional condition, but that didn't matter because we understood where the other person was and neither of us was ready for a relationship. I think that if I had rebounded onto someone who was not in the same situation with me, then I could have hurt them very badly (if they wanted a relationship) or I would have easily ended up in a relationship that wasn't well thought through. I guess that if you're unable to feel attracted to someone else, then the rebounding also doesn't work. There's no point just being with someone who you don't really want to be with. But for me - all my friends had been telling me that my ex wasn't the greatest guy in the world, and that I was going to find someone who was better. When my rebound came into the picture it was a huge relief to realise that I could be really attracted to someone else, and also it was true - in many ways my rebound is much better than my ex and more suited for me. I think that it helped me to heal a lot quicker, just being with someone else and being able to force that mental change of seeing myself with someone else. This thing with my rebound is not going to become a relationship any time soon, and in fact I've just made it clear that I don't want to just be FWB so I'm cutting him off now, but it has served a good purpose and nobody got hurt. Being with my rebound took some of the aura off my ex - it boosted my confidence and made me feel attractive again, and also gave me some self-respect again. And just seeing that I could be with someone else has given me confidence again that I will find someone else, somehow. But of course, you need to find a rebound that you really are attracted to, and someone that isn't expecting a serious relationship because in the time period after a breakup I don't think anybody is ready to deal with that yet. Sorry if this isn't quite on-topic, but I really do think that anything we can do to quicken the healing process can only be good!
Trimmer Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) I fully advocate rebounding! But it has to be done correctly, and I think that's why it gets a bad rep because it is a very difficult situation to navigate..... Sorry if this isn't quite on-topic, but I really do think that anything we can do to quicken the healing process can only be good! I think your experience is completely relevant to the topic. The key here is that you were aware that you were in a time of healing and rebuilding, and you found someone with whom you could be honest about that, and who was willing to support you in that endeavor. I had a similar situation, only my support came from a few friends and a counselor (none of them romantic interests!), but I think the real point is that you knew yourself, you were honestly aware of the process you were going through, and you found a social support structure that worked for you. A lot of the "get under someone else..." type of advice seems to come from a perspective of trying to mask, cover up, or cut off that healing process by moving on to another relationship as soon as possible, as if calling "NEXT" reboots the emotional computer somehow, and erases what came before. That's the perspective I think would not have worked for me. You incorporated your "rebound" into a self-aware process of healing, nobody got hurt out the other side, and you (both) got some caring support through a difficult time. Sounds pretty good, actually, although I don't know if I could have navigated the waters as skillfully as you have done. Thus, for me, it's probably just as well that I did it solo. Edited March 24, 2008 by Trimmer
OpenBook Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 if anyone on here has moved on without finding new love, how did that occur? Is it possible to move on without finding someone new? Yes, I've done it. First and foremost, I felt a responsibility to my daughter to keep going, regardless of what the future held. And almost as important, my GF's got me through it. I did a lot of leaning on my family and friends! And just put one foot in front of the other, until it got better. Also, I think the survival instinct kicked in after awhile. It was like (in response to all the horrible self-loathing thoughts in my head), "OK fine then, I'm worthless and the scum of the earth. You cut me down to nothing, and then you walked away. There's nothing more you can do to me now. Nobody's paying any attention to me. Good. There's nowhere to go but up." It was like I finally realized I didn't have to fulfill ANYBODY'S expectations of me anymore. It was all up to me. That was freeing. The longer you live, the more you realize that life is a friggin' rollercoaster, and sometimes all you can do is hang on for dear life. And eventually, you do indeed get back up. Always.
Trimmer Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Yes, I've done it. First and foremost, I felt a responsibility to my daughter to keep going, regardless of what the future held. And almost as important, my GF's got me through it. I did a lot of leaning on my family and friends! And just put one foot in front of the other, until it got better. Also, I think the survival instinct kicked in after awhile. It was like (in response to all the horrible self-loathing thoughts in my head), "OK fine then, I'm worthless and the scum of the earth. You cut me down to nothing, and then you walked away. There's nothing more you can do to me now. Nobody's paying any attention to me. Good. There's nowhere to go but up." It was like I finally realized I didn't have to fulfill ANYBODY'S expectations of me anymore. It was all up to me. That was freeing. The bolded statements were the two foundations of my own process as well.
pigeonsid Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 The longer you live, the more you realize that life is a friggin' rollercoaster, and sometimes all you can do is hang on for dear life. And eventually, you do indeed get back up. Always. Thanks for this, OpenBook. It gives me hope. Sometimes when I'm down (and this weekend has been a very bad down for me) it just feels as though there isn't going to be an up. But what you said really made sense to me, and I'm just going to keep waiting for things to get better.
sumdude Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Seeing as I'm still working through my divorce emotionally I have my perspective as the 'dumpee'. There's was this mad need for a while to just feel wanted and attractive. So I wanted to at least find someone to have a little fun with and yes.. get physical with. Luckily my 'rebound' was someone I had dated for a short time before. It lasted a month and I knew it wasn't going to be anything. In some ways it helped, in others it hurt a little. Ending another relationship while getting over a big one. But I don't regret it. Otherwise I think that most of the getting over process needs to be personal and done single. I think then the very final stage is probably when you do find that next love, after you've done all the other healing of the self you need to do.
pigeonsid Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hi sumdude - I would agree with you. And I think that people always say to stay away from rebounds because the temptation to get involved in another relationship is so high. But I do think that there is only so much you can do on your own. I mean, relationships are wonderful because they teach you about yourself. For me the rebound was important because it showed me that I could be in another relationship, whereas when my ex first left me I was terrified that that was it - that I'd lost the most important thing that had ever happened to me, and that because I'd never been in such a serious relationship before it was never going to happen again. Being with my rebound gave me a bit more perspective on the matter and it made me see that I've learnt the skills of being in a relationship. I'm not going to be in one right now, but that really doesn't mean that that's it forever. But I am impatient to get to that final stage when you find that next love!
Recommended Posts