ninjaturtles Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Hi everyone, I have been reading pleasant stories here about people moving on. It gave me so much joy. However, if anyone on here has moved on without finding new love, how did that occur? Is it possible to move on without finding someone new?
fabulousgal Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 i think its not as easy if you were dumpee, didn't expect it, you didn't want the relationship to end, and you left quickly...i.e. didn't stay in touch after the split. the reason i say this is you don't have a transition period of things going very good to bad. its kinda like normal then POW...over. and you are kinda left like, what just happened? if you go NC yes you MAY skip a lot of uneeded back and forthness etc but you don't really get to see the turn of the tide or get the lame excuses of why and you can spend a whole lot of time making up reasons in your mind. i am very busy, social, even interested in new people, swamped at work, and increased my working out regimine like a mad woman, yet I am still not 100% over my last experience. it has faded for sure, but it exists.
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 It is possible, and sensible to move on before finding someone else. It depends on your bag. Some people use the break-up as an opportunity to explore themselves and what fears or insecurities were bought up that could be dealt with now. Or what did the other person bring to their lives that they could provide for themselves. Some people throw themselves into a new fitness regime. Others a new study, travelling etc..
sweaterlove Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 i didnt find anyone new after i was dumped but i really had trouble moving on. What really helped me was frequent meetings w/ my girlfriends. And sometimes a fresh start can really help. I was in school at the time, so having new classes and seeing new people really helped. It also really helps to pursue your interests even more so, cause I found a neglected a few of my favorite things while i was dating.
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Hi everyone, I have been reading pleasant stories here about people moving on. It gave me so much joy. However, if anyone on here has moved on without finding new love, how did that occur? Is it possible to move on without finding someone new? it's not only possible but i think the only way to really get to know yourself and truly move on. i have nothing but instinct on this, but it seems to me that if you need someone there (to give you strength, courage, companionship, or whatever) before you can make a move, you're probably not ready to be true to yourself or another relationship. then again, lots of people just accept the way things are until someone worthwhile comes along and wakes them up. but yes, it is possible.
loveralone Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 it's not only possible but i think the only way to really get to know yourself and truly move on. I agree whole heartedly with this, but, then again, I don't totally understand how people could possibly move right into a "new love" when dealing with such a fresh wound from a breakup with a TRUE love. For me, I was in a LOT of "relationships" up until the age of 23. Plenty of these boys told me they loved me, a few even acted like it, but I was never heartbroken over any one of them for more than a few days.... With this one that I'm going through right now, it's been 24 days today since the breakup (I know, I know, I need to stop counting!) and no hope in site that I will ever stop loving him. I have no desire to spark a new romance with anyone - mainly because if I don't deal with these emotions right now, then they are going to resurface later on down the road, and that wouldn't be fair to my "new love". Not only that, but if I let this be a growing experience and learn all that I can from it right now, then how much GREATER will my "new love" be when the time is right?! Just my opinion...
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) i think heartache has the potential to teach us a lot...if we take the time to reflect honestly. in any relationship, it's rare that one person derserves to shoulder all the blame. Edited March 21, 2008 by LuCidiTy
sedgwick Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) The thing that comforts me the most is that all of us struggle with blaming ourselves. I am constantly haunted by the thought that he's with someone else and that I must have done SOMETHING. I think of moments when I was less than perfect, when he saw me cry, and I say to myself, he was so busy and he didn't need the stress of your negativity. But come on, we were together a year, like he's never going to see me cry in a YEAR? Any reasonable person would allow their partner to have bad days, and want to comfort them when they had one. After all, isn't that how you felt when they were down? But when they don't speak to you, you build up all these stories in your head. I've been pretty steadfast with the NC, but I've obsessed for months now over the one text message I sent him in three months and how I didn't hear back. I haven't called, looked at his myspace or website, looked at any pictures of him, read old emails, or spied on him in any way. I just went away. The problem is, he did too. Seems he really did want to just cut me out of his life, after all the times he told me that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else but he made an exception for me, he loved me, he was lucky to be with me, he loved my body, it was the best sex he'd ever had, he'd never felt such a connection to anybody, blah blah. So I wonder when those things started to be lies. Did he really just decide RIGHT THEN to dump me, or was I actually the only one who felt a connection and he was lying all along when he said he did too? I know all of you are familiar with these circles of thought. They suh-huh-huck. I have absolutely gotten on with my life, and been fairly successful. I've done all the stuff I'm supposed to do. If you saw any of my websites, you'd think I'm busy and happy, which, overall, I am. (Definitely the former, mostly the latter.) And still he hasn't contacted me at all. It's hard being the exception to what seems to be the general rule, that if you go away they get in touch. It's hard thinking he just doesn't miss me at all. Edited March 21, 2008 by sedgwick
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 they always come back. sometimes days later, sometimes years. and i still maintain it sounds like he wasn't strong enough for you. ya know...the other thing that comes to mind is about that text. there were two months where i would send a text and he never got it. right around november and december. i thought he was kidding or just being...well...dishonest. it finally bugged me enough that i called the company. it turned out that my cell provider (T-Mobile) had a known, persistant, and random problem with texts getting out to Verizon (his provider) that whole time. fwiw.
loveralone Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 The thing that comforts me the most is that all of us struggle with blaming ourselves. I am constantly haunted by the thought that he's with someone else and that I must have done SOMETHING. I think of moments when I was less than perfect, when he saw me cry, and I say to myself, he was so busy and he didn't need the stress of your negativity. But come on, we were together a year, like he's never going to see me cry in a YEAR? Any reasonable person would allow their partner to have bad days, and want to comfort them when they had one. After all, isn't that how you felt when they were down? But when they don't speak to you, you build up all these stories in your head. I've been pretty steadfast with the NC, but I've obsessed for months now over the one text message I sent him in three months and how I didn't hear back. I haven't called, looked at his myspace or website, looked at any pictures of him, read old emails, or spied on him in any way. I just went away. The problem is, he did too. Seems he really did want to just cut me out of his life, after all the times he told me that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else but he made an exception for me, he loved me, he was lucky to be with me, he loved my body, it was the best sex he'd ever had, he'd never felt such a connection to anybody, blah blah. So I wonder when those things started to be lies. Did he really just decide RIGHT THEN to dump me, or was I actually the only one who felt a connection and he was lying all along when he said he did too? I know all of you are familiar with these circles of thought. They suh-huh-huck. I have absolutely gotten on with my life, and been fairly successful. I've done all the stuff I'm supposed to do. If you saw any of my websites, you'd think I'm busy and happy, which, overall, I am. (Definitely the former, mostly the latter.) And still he hasn't contacted me at all. It's hard being the exception to what seems to be the general rule, that if you go away they get in touch. It's hard thinking he just doesn't miss me at all. I've had this nagging feeling whenever I read your posts, so I'm just going to throw it out there...Is it possible that maybe he got a new phone and didn't get your message? Or, maybe he did get your message, but didn't really know how to respond to it? Is it possible that everything he said to you was the absolute truth, and that scared the SH*T out of him? Maybe he was afraid that one day he WOULD hurt you and have to see your broken heart, so he ran...or like LuC said, he wasn't strong enough..? I've been reading so many posts where people are broken hearted because they haven't heard from their lost loves, but is it possible that maybe the lost love's are in the same state of mind as we are? I mean, if I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first, and he's not going to contact me until I contact him first, then who's going to make the next move?! And what if the fear of the unknown, the fear of rejection, the fear of a bit more hurt is the only thing standing between us and the love we so desperately want back in our lives? Okay, i'm off my soapbox..
underpants Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Hi everyone, I have been reading pleasant stories here about people moving on. It gave me so much joy. However, if anyone on here has moved on without finding new love, how did that occur? Is it possible to move on without finding someone new? Of course it is. I would even go further to say that to do may be more difficult, however, a much more rewarding path. When you come full circle and have all of the perspectives that radiate to you. Then you choose how to move forward. That empowerment and in the long run (short time ...even if a year or two or more)...is the wisest investment you can make. IMHO. To thine own self be true. Take the time to find thine self.
MartianChronicles Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 it's been almost 8 months since the breakup, now, and i feel i'm 90% over my ex. nonetheless, i sometimes think of the things we used to to together, but i can't really say i miss them. i don't miss him either (he doesn't deserve that ) what i miss is the feeling of being with someone. i have a wonderful family, great friends, a cool job and a cool life, overall. still, i can't help feeling void sometimes. in the first months after the breakup i tried online dating, met a few guys i might have liked, if only the circumstances had been different. i was introduced to other guys by my friends, but none of them seemed to have any impact on me. i'm simply not interested, and i feel like i'm much better off alone these days.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Is it possible to move on without finding someone new? I’ve never left someone for someone else. Or even with the idea that I wanted to find a replacement. And by the time I was done with a relationship enough that I left it, looking back or jumping right into a new one was the LAST thing I wanted because I was still enjoying the freedom and lightness of heart at having finally crawled out from under the burden of an unpleasant situation. But I always did find someone new, eventually. In spite of all the “never again” promises I made to myself. And every relationship I had was better than the one before. Go figure??? Then again, the two major relationships I had in my life have both been long-term. The few in between were just “dating” situations that never had enough substance to go the distance beyond the four to sixth month mark. I feel fortunate that I’ve never had a bad or ugly breakup, and while I admit to always being the one who walked away first (sometimes not soon enough! ) ... my reasons for doing so never came as any surprise (or maybe disappointment ) to anyone I eventually had to say goodbye to.
Author ninjaturtles Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 A lot has been mentioned here. Sedg, a few months ago, I thought my Ex would never contact me. However, he evetually did. To be honest, I have decided to keep moving on, because he did not ask me back etc. I guess it is possible to move on without finding someone new, nevertheless, it is more difficult. The rewards are very fruitful however. This is because for once I have actually learnt to enjoy life being alone. I have learnt to be less dependent on other people for happiness etc. I truly believe I am a much stronger person. Nevertheless, sometimes the ghost from last relationship hunts me. I wonder what I did wrong to make him go away. I exaggerate my wrongs and lay too much emphasis on his good parts. He was good to me and I think that's what made is tough. Infact I think the two main things that made this breakup difficult included- A) The fact that he was actually really good to me, whilst we were together. Yes, he did have his faults and there were some red flags regarding his views on commitment. Nontheless, I find it hard to divorce the loving sides to him, from the ugly sides post break. I should be focusing on the latter and we ALL should too. So why do we focus on the former? B) His post break up behaviour was cold, distant. I keep wondering, has he done this to anyone else? Did I bring out this side to him? Why did behave this way? How could he get up, leave and never look back? Does he still think of me? Does he care at all? So many thoughts, no closure. I have learnt from you guys however, that sometimes we need to give ourselves closure. If we mattered that much to them, they would be here with us. We would not be on LS telling our woes to fellow cyber friends.lol. Too much rant. Oh well.
Author ninjaturtles Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 [quote name= Then again, the two major relationships I had in my life have both been long-term. The few in between were just “dating” situations that never had enough substance to go the distance beyond the four to sixth month mark. I feel fortunate that I’ve never had a bad or ugly breakup, and while I admit to always being the one who walked away first (sometimes not soon enough! ) ... my reasons for doing so never came as any surprise (or maybe disappointment ) to anyone I eventually had to say goodbye to.[/quote] Enigma, care to share some of your reasons for walking away? It's always nice to speak to a dumper.lol. Maybe we can get some insight into the thoughts of dumpers. Thanks
Trimmer Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Anyone moved on without finding new love Yes, and I used the time to rebuild myself as a whole, strong individual, which I am grateful for. I strongly belive that this will help make me a better partner at some point in the future when I do find a new love.
Author ninjaturtles Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 Yes, and I used the time to rebuild myself as a whole, strong individual, which I am grateful for. I strongly belive that this will help make me a better partner at some point in the future when I do find a new love. How long did it take for you move on? You feel absolutely nothing for her?
Freddy Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I was dating a new girl but it wasn't love. It helps to rework your old schedule and change it completely and that way all the old habits and longing should die with it.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Enigma, care to share some of your reasons for walking away? It's always nice to speak to a dumper.lol. Maybe we can get some insight into the thoughts of dumpers. For a lot of the same reasons most initial interests don’t pan out into anything more significant. Finding people you get along with well and have a good time with is fairly easy. But meeting people who share similar core values as you ... or even define a “relationship” in the same terms that you do is difficult. I’m not well suited for lot of different people, and a lot of people aren’t really suited for me. For instance, I LOVE a good many of my colorful and eccentric friends and relatives. We’re all different, but in small doses we get along great. But I couldn’t imagine us having the patience to live together 24/7! I think the same goes for anyone you might meet and date a few times. And I’ve learned its a wasted effort to hang on too long hoping that someone will eventually see things your way ... or to twist yourself into emotional knots trying to accept something that is just way too far out of your personal comfort zone. Been there. Done that. Bought the tee-shirt.
Trimmer Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) How long did it take for you move on? You feel absolutely nothing for her? Well, I just hit 3 years from ground zero, depending on how you count it. I think I committed to moving on within the first few months, then I worked out a lot of stuff over the first couple years, and here I am now feeling pretty good and whole again. Haven't been "in love" yet. Now the second question isn't so easy - do I feel nothing for her? She was my life partner for 18 years, she's the mother of our children together, and she's the first and only woman so far that I loved deeply enough to commit my life to. She will never be an inconsequential part of my life's story, I don't regret my life with her, and I will never consider her irrelevant nor wish to erase her like in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I do still think back on our time together and the process of our separation, and remember and feel everything from joy, happiness, loss, grief, anger, etc. at different times in different amounts. I don't really want to "feel nothing." I know what I had, and I know what I lost; I appreciate what was good about what I had, and I also acknowledge and accept its loss. Now, having said that however, I don't have any sense that I still have one foot in the past, or that I'm "not over her." It is over. There is no going back. I truly feel like I have worked through it, and can experience these feelings and memories with a true acceptance that what has passed is in the past, and with a healthy orientation toward the future - toward my future. So it's not so much that I "feel nothing," it's just that I have learned to move forward enthusiastically and optimistically without those feelings and memories being a burden. That allows me to feel whole, and strong, and free, and to move forward without feeling like I'm still pulled back by the past. Edited March 22, 2008 by Trimmer
Chinook Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Is it possible to move on without finding someone new? Taking this question at face value, I would say yes, of course it is. In my opinion it is necessary in fact NOT to move on until the first relationship break-up is processed and dealt with. That said, commonly in the UK anyhow people very often say 'the quickest way to get over someone, is to get under someone else' (forgive crudity there, not my words). In my opinion, moving on with someone else is only akin to head-in-sand attitude. It really doesn't matter to be honest because no matter what you do... sooner or later, whether you find someone or not, you will move on... so having someone there could potentially make it easier. The only obligation you have is to make sure that new person is aware of the circumstances and the risks of being the rebound person. Thinking about the question in more detail, can you really say you have moved on unless you are with someone else...? and who is to say what the time limit on that is..? (does that make sense..?)
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 ...Thinking about the question in more detail, can you really say you have moved on unless you are with someone else...? and who is to say what the time limit on that is..? (does that make sense..?) I agree with that. A lot of my friends, bless their hearts, say that I should find a "distraction" and that this "distraction" be another male friend. Or something. Call me a nice gal, but any guy that I get with in the future (if I choose to) will be rebounds and I don't want to do that to anyone. I guess I have that whole "You know how it's like to have your heart broken, so remember that feeling" and not do it to another guy. I like school and working. They're my distractions. Keeping myself occupied and being productive is my way of moving on. I feel fulfilled.
Cannondale Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 People here who think just bec. their ex hasn't contacted them means that they have moved on, or that they just don't care, that may not be true. I have made totally zero effort to keep in contact with my ex gf. I do miss what we had, and she did mean a lot to me. But it's over. Imo she did a lot of very disrespectful things not only towards me, but towards my family and friends prior and post break up. I just don't feel like she deserves the time of day from me, and un-warranted disrespect is one of my pet peeves, I cannot stand it.
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I agree with that. A lot of my friends, bless their hearts, say that I should find a "distraction" and that this "distraction" be another male friend. Or something. Call me a nice gal, but any guy that I get with in the future (if I choose to) will be rebounds and I don't want to do that to anyone. I guess I have that whole "You know how it's like to have your heart broken, so remember that feeling" and not do it to another guy. I like school and working. They're my distractions. Keeping myself occupied and being productive is my way of moving on. I feel fulfilled. Do you think you will feel that way about any guy at any time in the future? Like you are swearing off forever? I hope you will reach a point where you have healed and recovered enough to find your strength and confidence, and move forward into new relationships as a whole person on your own merits, instead of feeling like you must avoid relationships, because you are still dragging the burdens and damage of the past.
0hpenelope Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Do you think you will feel that way about any guy at any time in the future? Like you are swearing off forever? I hope you will reach a point where you have healed and recovered enough to find your strength and confidence, and move forward into new relationships as a whole person on your own merits, instead of feeling like you must avoid relationships, because you are still dragging the burdens and damage of the past. Thank you! I guess it does come down to personal choices in regards to "swearing off forever" and I honestly can't say. I have aunts who have stayed happily single, with the occasional dates, even though having a family was something that they wanted for themselves. I've met some of their boyfriends who seemed that they could be good spouses for them and it just didn't work out. To that extent, I can say that I have good examples of moving on without finding a new love. If there's anything else that I can say is good that came out of this debacle... I'd say reinforcement of my long-term goals for myself, because I really do have to take care of myself first before I can care for others. I think that there's a significant difference between avoiding relationships and not wanting them for a certain amount of time or for good. I'm pleased with the support users give each other on this forum. Navigating through this... heart stuff is just complicated, young or old.
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