soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 to anyone who has read my posts, you know I am prone to anxiety. I'm just wondering, if he is pulling away, do I just let him go? I'm just not able right now to be non-chalant about this relationship. I love him. Any wavering in his behavior freaks me out. Do I ask him if something is up, or just let it play out? When I am uncertain in this relationship, I appreciate that he confronts me about it. This is really the first time I have felt him maybe being less interested. Thanks for input.
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I know how you feel, and women (espically young) need constant reassurance that our boyfriends love us, or will never cheat..It's like we need constant attention and the second they "fall out of routing" we panic..oh no he doesn't love me, he's pulling away...and men will never understand why we think this way...and we will never understand why they wouldn't...When he pulls away from you thats when you take the time and focus on you...maybe he's feeling like your to needy or not independent enough...maybe he's tired of always having to give you reassurance that he's there for you and loves you...You have to hold your own in the relationship and not rely on him to make you happy or fill your time...I can tell when I start to become to "needy"...you start to want him to do more for you "hold me" "give me more kisses"..."why aren't you doing such n such like you used to.".. and I have to remind myself to back off a lil and not do that because it will push him away...Like a couple of weeks ago ..I didn't call him I let him call me..I planned a day with my friends to go shopping and see a movie..I hadn't really talked to him that much and we usually hang out on the weekends more than during the week and he called me that morning and I didn't answer (I was busy trying to run errands before meeting my friends) he called me again I told him what I was doing that day and he acted suprise I didn't try to make plans with him first..and I didn't talked to him for the rest of the day and I had so much fun with my friends..the next day he wanted me to come over and he couldn't stop loving on me he made me dinner...he missed me. So just give him his space spend time with your friends, don't confront him about it..just back away some, don't be mad at him nothing...make time for yourself...My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 yrs. now (he's 23 I'm 20)...we learn and grow from eachother I can tell when he just wants to be with his friends but he always bounces back to me...you need to boost your confidence and feel secure in your relationship becuase it will never work out if you dont..so just gi
Author soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Well, I am 30. Not sure if thats young to you... Anyway, I had a real $hitty relationship a year ago...still recovering from that. I didnt used to be like this and I hate it. I just realized that I posted a very similar thread about 8 mo ago about another guy I was seeing. He pulled away and I let him. Then he ended it. Gah. This time, I just have to have faith. No other option, I guess. No, "You seem distant" stuff, right?
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Sorry about my last post..I try to hurry so all of what I wrote won't be lost...apparently theres a time limit lol...30's of course is till young...You have reason if you have been in a bad relationship...I was too..for 3 years actually and I'm learning alot from my boyfriend now...I had to trasition from that "honeymoon" stage to the more realistic relationship and thats when I tended to be more attached...but I've learned to balance everything to make him happy and myself...but yeah I don't think the whole "you seem distant thing" will make things better just give him his space...and when you say distant what do you mean?? theres a normal being distant and then theres the somethings wrong distant. -Jasmine
Author soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 I guess thats the thing. Im not sure if this is the normal distance thing or if something is up. His job really affects our relationship, to me. We dont talk for 8 day stretches, every other week. Every time he leaves, we are on great terms. By the time he gets back, I have started doubting the realtionship. It has been 5 mos of this, and there are atleast 3 more mos to go. I am driving myself insane here. In a strange way, it is easier for me when he is gone because the option of of talking isnt there, we cant. So I dont worry about "oh does he need space" I get all the space I need while he is gone, but he doesnt get any emotional space because that is the crux of his work - therapy. I know what I have to do, just having a hell of a lot of trouble doing it.
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 so he travels alot?...why can't you still talk to him even if he's away? 8 days seems like a long time? and he's a therapist?
Author soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 He works in the backcountry and communication is just not possible. This schedule is really getting to me.
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 ohhhh I see..well it sounds like he has somewhat of a stressful job...you said only a couple of more months? If that's the case just hang in there...it's easy to seem like he's distant if you can't talk to him that much...
Author soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Thanks Jas. I just get tired of us getting to this really great place...and then he goes to work...and I have doubts, on both ends. Repeat. I guess I am expecting us to be perfect when no one is. And that stresses me out when we dont live up to my perfect expectations.
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 ohh no trust me I hear ya...there's this long stretch of the relationship going good...and then it doesn't turn bad but its just not like that long stretch of goodness lol..but it will get there again...and your right no relationship is perfect everyone has there moments and differences; you just work through them and you'll grow together and form a tighter bond.
reelwoman Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I would say if you care about this guy and want to have a real relationship, no games, there is nothing to lose by just being honest with him about feeling that he's been distant. It's all in how you phrase it. If you DONT say anything and just pretend it's fine, he'll still sense your neediness or anxiety and somethign will feel off to him, he just won't know what it is and with guys, they often think if something feels off that means it's time to move on. Sorry to generalize but that seems to be a pattern...I think being honest about how hard it is for you to have these times apart with no communication is fine, as long as you don't sound like you're accusing him of anything so he gets defensive. LEt him know that because that's the situation, you need extra reassurance and that you feel you both will have to put a little extra effort in in terms of communicating your feelings. I don't know; if he pulls away because you're honest about how you feel, that seems like something that's not going to work anyway. I've found that the best way to talk about something difficult like this is to avoid saying anythign about what HE is doing or putting words in HIS mouth. Just OWN what YOU feel and say "I feel that...." or "this makes me feel inscure" or whatever. That way he won't feel that you are pressuring or blaming him. Good luck!
Author soulseeker Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 I hear what you are saying RW. I guess maybe this isnt the first time I have felt him pulling away. It's not. I'm insecure. I hate that. We have talked about how his schedule makes things difficult, for both of us. In fact, we just had that very conversation the last time he was in town. And, he is always so reassuring. I dont want to need to be reassured! I also dont want to talk about it everytime he comes back. Seems like that is a turn off as well. It would be to me! Any advice on how to just go with it for a while, while not living anxiety ridden?
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 RW...I agree with you if it's the first time...but if I'm continuously feeling like he's pulling away when there's nothing wrong in the first place then theres something wrong with me and I need to work on my insecurities so I wouldn't bring it up to him...and I don't think what I said is playing "games" I just think It's being realistic...the same amount of effort should be put in on both sides and if it's not then I'm going to back off..not ignore his calls or cheat and such..but just let him come to me...but the whole distant thing can definantly put a damper on the relationship
Jasmine8719 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I'm just trying to speak on my experience....
Little Shy Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Hey Darlin' I date guys in a lot of compromised work situations...I work in the film industry, and have long dated guys involved in the same industry or music. The hours and days and months at work can be excruciating. Recently I tried to date someone who's hours were WAY worse than mine, & i did not even think that was possible. That being, I am working from a baseline on being very forgiving as far as lets say...how often we date, when I can expect calls, or call backs, when I can anticipate lengths of time of no contact. Yet, to me, it still just seemed "wrong" according on what I knew to be his schedule, that he still couldn't manage 5 minutes here & there to just "check in" with me. It all came to a head with this guy, when ironically enough, while trying to move on, I was on a date on a Friday night with another guy, that has always been Extremely reliable at contacting me. We were heading home from dinner, and as a coincidence, we drove by the club that my musician, so unavailable/unreliable guy was working at. It was such a MAD coincidence, there he was, standing alone in front of the club, except for a very attractive young lady that he was exuberantly talking to! All of a sudden it struck me, here I am, traveling in the car with a guy who calls exactly when he says he will call, calls me every other day without fail, & he lives across the world from me! And yet, here is this guy, standing outside this club we are passing by, that claims to be sooo into me, but just sooo busy. BUT, he has 5 minutes, and maybe it is just 5, to chat it up (with much enthusiasm, note) with some super cute chick on a break from work from his club. Could he have picked up the phone during those 5 minutes to call me? Probably, but he didn't. Next time he called me, as he always does, a few days later, I just blew him off. Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut. If a week of no contact, if even due to work feels wrong, it might just be wrong. Or even if it's not "wrong" does it work for you??? If you are the type of girl that would like to be contacted by your man on a near daily basis, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you! There are PLENTY of men, that when they are dating a girl they are very into, have to contact you almost every day! I bet you have experienced this before! If this is what you are used to , and what you expect, and what you like, why date a guy that needs so much more space than what you feel comfortable with? You are tripping on yourself, thinking you need to chill out & relax, but maybe you just need MORE. And a lot of guys out there are perfectly willing to give more, that being a few calls a week no matter what. YOu think you are being needy, but you are not, you are just hearing your own personal needs addressing themselves to you. Maybe time to consider if this guy if for you, although clearly you like him a lot. Good luck!
SoleMate Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Are you POSITIVE he does not have access to a phone when working away from home? What evidence do you have for this belief? Is there anything other than his word for it? Just curious.
AriaIncognito Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Well, I am 30. Not sure if thats young to you... Anyway, I had a real $hitty relationship a year ago...still recovering from that. I didnt used to be like this and I hate it. I just realized that I posted a very similar thread about 8 mo ago about another guy I was seeing. He pulled away and I let him. Then he ended it. Gah. This time, I just have to have faith. No other option, I guess. No, "You seem distant" stuff, right? All I have to say to the above is ME TOO. The emotional baggage I acquired from my last ex is undoubtedly the WORST baggage I've gotten from a relationship. The insecurity thing. I never ever used to be insecure over men, but I've found with the guy I've been seeing, I've been applying all the things from the former to him. And it's gotta stop. I too need to figure out how to break the cycle, for my own sake as well as anyone I date. It's unfair of us to apply the rules our exes made on them. If they give us reason to, that's a different story, however I presume "innocent until proven guilty" could apply in our situations. So yeah, I can't really offer much advice other than to say that we need to battle these feelings. But I wonder, do we tell the current people we are dating about how we were treated so maybe they can be more reassuring, or do we have to shoulder the burden alone? For example, if you know that him not contacting you for X number of days will throw you into anxiety due to the baggage, can you ask him to try to call more often, or should you not because they should be calling because they want to, not because you asked them to? I guess it feels like a catch 22. You want them to be calling because they want to and you certainly dont want to make yourself think "he's only calling because I asked" hahaha. Tough cycle. If anyone knows how to break it, please tell!
Author soulseeker Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) Are you POSITIVE he does not have access to a phone when working away from home? What evidence do you have for this belief? Is there anything other than his word for it? Just curious. He does not have access to a phone while at work...he works in the back country. Unless he has been lying to me since the get go. I am positive he cannot get to a phone...barring an emergency, of course. AW - if I figure out the answer, I will tell you. I have been doing research on self-fulfilling prophecies, and it is depressing. I dunno, maybe it is encouraging. Basically, people do act, to a certain extent, the way you expect them to. So with this in mind, I have decided that I have to fake it til I make it. I have relate to my BF as if he thinks I am the best thing in the world, which I actually think he does, until I believe it myself. That, or I'm f*cked. Edited March 22, 2008 by soulseeker
Author soulseeker Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Hey Darlin' I date guys in a lot of compromised work situations...I work in the film industry, and have long dated guys involved in the same industry or music. The hours and days and months at work can be excruciating. Recently I tried to date someone who's hours were WAY worse than mine, & i did not even think that was possible. That being, I am working from a baseline on being very forgiving as far as lets say...how often we date, when I can expect calls, or call backs, when I can anticipate lengths of time of no contact. Yet, to me, it still just seemed "wrong" according on what I knew to be his schedule, that he still couldn't manage 5 minutes here & there to just "check in" with me. It all came to a head with this guy, when ironically enough, while trying to move on, I was on a date on a Friday night with another guy, that has always been Extremely reliable at contacting me. We were heading home from dinner, and as a coincidence, we drove by the club that my musician, so unavailable/unreliable guy was working at. It was such a MAD coincidence, there he was, standing alone in front of the club, except for a very attractive young lady that he was exuberantly talking to! All of a sudden it struck me, here I am, traveling in the car with a guy who calls exactly when he says he will call, calls me every other day without fail, & he lives across the world from me! And yet, here is this guy, standing outside this club we are passing by, that claims to be sooo into me, but just sooo busy. BUT, he has 5 minutes, and maybe it is just 5, to chat it up (with much enthusiasm, note) with some super cute chick on a break from work from his club. Could he have picked up the phone during those 5 minutes to call me? Probably, but he didn't. Next time he called me, as he always does, a few days later, I just blew him off. Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut. If a week of no contact, if even due to work feels wrong, it might just be wrong. Or even if it's not "wrong" does it work for you??? If you are the type of girl that would like to be contacted by your man on a near daily basis, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you! There are PLENTY of men, that when they are dating a girl they are very into, have to contact you almost every day! I bet you have experienced this before! If this is what you are used to , and what you expect, and what you like, why date a guy that needs so much more space than what you feel comfortable with? You are tripping on yourself, thinking you need to chill out & relax, but maybe you just need MORE. And a lot of guys out there are perfectly willing to give more, that being a few calls a week no matter what. YOu think you are being needy, but you are not, you are just hearing your own personal needs addressing themselves to you. Maybe time to consider if this guy if for you, although clearly you like him a lot. Good luck! Thing is, he calls ALL THE TIME when he is in town. This honestly isnt about the way he treats me, he's great. He calls me as soon as he can. This is all about me. I just cant seem to separate the feelings of insecurity I picked up in my last relationship. I am so pissed about it. I'm so pissed that I am letting the jerk I dated a year ago affect this great relationship. And now I just beat myself of for not being totally "repaired" from my last relationship and then I feel worse, and so on. I have talked to my current bf about my ex. It has helped, he is great about it, but he does want me to get more over it than I am, bc I judge him by what my ex did. Unfair of me. And since I am not getting over it 100%, I dont feel like I should talk to my bf about it every time it affects me. Blah.
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