eagle5 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Hey all I've had a pretty good week with alot of positive thoughts and just a few negative ones, for those who don't know it's been 2 months of NC and 3.5 months since she broke it off with me. I've fought SOOO hard to get myself back on track and done a pretty good job so far (I think!) I still cry about not having the love of my life next to me and the dreams seem more common now than ever before, but I've found myself thinking forward more too..... The trouble is I don't know if I'm scared of being alone, ie living alone or not. I am 34 and since seperating from my wife (not the gf love of my life) 13 months ago I have been at my mum and dad's trying to get finances together so I can get my own place. So to recap I moved out of my folks 11 years ago when I met E who I married, 9 & 1/2 years later we split after alot of trouble. I then met J who I practically spent all my time with (at her house) and who broke it off just before Christmas, that killed me!!!!! BUT I've never lived alone, completely on my own. I think I need to do just that but are my feelings here normal? Please tell me if I'm going mad here? I have a good family and a good friend base and part of me looks forward to being completely alone, but the other part of me wants to be with someone, well J actually even though she cheated on me. Am I just scared of being alone or is this a normal part of grieving??? If you've been here (or if not), any thoughts would be a great help........ thanx.....Eagle
Author eagle5 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Just realised I how I spelt lonliness in the title!!!! Can't change it now! oh well
Shindig Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 It is totally normal to be lonely or afraid of loneliness. Even if you're totally comfortable with yourself and confident in your desirability and attractiveness to other people. Breaking up is a big change.... BIG. I'm consistent in the advice I give to people who are in the post-breakup throes: get yourself busy. You won't feel lonely if you're thinking about other things and meeting new people. Take up a new hobby or explore an old one in more detail. You might even meet someone new. I know it can be hard to get out of the house when you're bummed out but I promise... you're much more likely to regret not going to that sailing class than you are to regret lying on the couch channel surfing...
bejshermanoaks Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Its normal man. If you feel like me, you spend your time thinking "if i had only done this" "or that" OR "I shouldnt have said this", blah...we all blame ourselves and are scared we arent gonna ever meet anyone else; its scary but its better then being with someone who doesnt love us... You arent alone man; millions of people feel like you do today.. chin up brotha... Much love to you
paladin1 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Hell no, you're not alone. 33 here; GF left 7 weeks ago after an almost 5 year relationship. Thought I would marry her and spend the rest of my life with her; she had other plans. Loneliness (no matter how ya spell it ) is so damn hard to face; and you've had a large part of your life for the past year or so (?) vanish. It's natural to greive and be lonely. In time it fades, gets better, you move on to new experiences. But we all feel lonely and mourn...so no, you're not alone.
Author eagle5 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Thanks Shindig, you are so right, I am keeping very busy with friends etc, it does work, I think what happens is I start thinking about the faults in me, people say I'm a nice good person and I think I am, but sometimes I start to doubt myself. I think I am at fault because maybe I am apprensive about being alone!! Deep down I know I will be ok but I guess it's only been 3 months and I'm going through all the motions of loss??!! I had a load of dreams about the ex gf last night and they bring me down throughout the day, then I start to reminisce and it hurts like crazy, but I do try to take my mind off it by doing other things. bejshermanoaks, your words mean alot, I do think the 'what if's' alot, I think I still can't believe she just ended it like she did after such intense amazing feelings were shared between us, my chins more up than down (most of the time) paladin1, it's good to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry to know you are in the same boat, I know what you mean, in our 10 months together we made so many plans for the future. I suppose only time will tell, I had such a big urge to call her today but of course I didn't, it's such a case of swings and roundabouts, it's like when I'm busy things are ok but when I've got nothing going on or nothing to look forward to I start to think about the lonliness and about how it used to be!!
sedona Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I feel the same way as you, but worse because I'm 3 months behind you - just at the beginning. This break-up has really thrown me for a loop and has affected everything else in my life. I have to take some time off from work because I'm simply not able to concentrate. Although I know intellectually that I'm a good person, interesting, smart, etc..., I feel empty and burned out. I really wish that I had never met this man. But of course I can't change the past, so the only thing I can hope now is that something good will come of this experience. I think (hope) that in the end, I will be a better and stronger person than I was -- a person who is more aware of her past and its influence on the present. And that would never have happened if I didn't meet C and get this type of shock. I don't want to be alone either, and right now it's really difficult to be on my own. My stomach still hurts. It's a beautiful day out and I can't appreciate it - or anything else for that matter. And loneliness is one of those taboo subjects -- we're all supposed to say that we we're "alone," not "lonely." For what it's worth, your posts on this forum are really helpful. You've given me a lift with your responses both to my posts and to others.
Author eagle5 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Sedona, it's really good to hear my posts have been a little help, it's funny how we can give advice about things we can't tell ourselves. If only it were that easy!!! In 3 months you'll be in a better place, infact in a week from now you will, every day is another step forward. I hope 1 day we will be able to turn around and say 'I'm glad I met that person' but like you I wish I hadn't met her at all. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but my beliefs have been tested to the extreme, I mean how can something so painful have happened for a good reason?? My stomach was my biggest problem too, I lost 2 stone (28lb) because I couldn't eat. The mind and the body have a funny way of reacting to a grievance, but it's getting better (which is good because I love food!! ) And loneliness is one of those taboo subjects -- we're all supposed to say that we we're "alone," not "lonely." Hell I go through times of being lonely and alone, that's a fact. But you're right, about what we're supposed to say, to me being alone after a relationship brings on lonliness so the two are interrelated. My thoughts are with you, hey at least we're not alone in feeling alone!!
sedona Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I hope 1 day we will be able to turn around and say 'I'm glad I met that person' but like you I wish I hadn't met her at all. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but my beliefs have been tested to the extreme, I mean how can something so painful have happened for a good reason?? The chances of my meeting this guy were incredibly small. Almost zero. And yet it still happened. There's got to be a reason. A bigger picture which I'm blind to now.
Bobby.Roy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 @eagle5: I understand exactly how you feel brother. We (me and my girlfriend) separated about 15 days back, after a 8 years old relationship and believe you me, its been as tough as things can be since then but i am really trying hard to concentrate on other things and take a day as it comes. Though i try not to think about her, but when i do get her memories and all the things we did in the past (in the gone by 8 years together) and the promises and the future plans we had made together (getting married and all), it just breaks me down completely and tears just start flowing down my eyes even if i do not want to. It is absolutely normal to feel this way, to feel sad, to feel depressed post break-up. It is a big part of life and i believe, we all will be much stronger when we get through this stage and we will change for the better though we won't be able to forget this break-up during our entire lifetime but nevertheless, being strong and being busy with various hobbies and all is the key. I know EXACTLY how you must be feeling right now, how i wish i could've helped you, but i am myself in a pathetic situation trying very hard to cope up with this HUGE loss!
pigeonsid Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hi Eagle- I broke up around the same time you did (closer to 4 months for me right now) and I am also battling loneliness and fear of loneliness, but even though this is really hard right now, I know that it will be better for me in the long term. I am living alone - the ex moved out, and I'm back to living on my own. It's hard - if you go to my thread you'll find me bitching about how hard it is to come home to an empty apartment. But at the same time - I lived on my own before I moved in with my ex, and when he left me I was really grateful that I had done that before. I can't imagine how difficult it is to break up when you've never lived on your own. Living by yourself at least gives you that sense of independence. When my ex left me I was devastated, but a part of me was saying - hang on, I've done this before. I know how to do this. And in some ways it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (When I was with him I the thought of him leaving me was really my worst nightmare.) I don't know what else we can do apart from trying to get through the day to day and posting on LS. I find that just having this form of communication with people who are so supportive and understanding really helps. (Especially because people here are going through exactly what I'm going through - whereas most of my friends are all happy and going on with their wonderful coupled up lives, probably really grateful they aren't me right now.) Sorry, I don't know if I"m in a good enough headspace to write uplifting words, but wanted to say - I know what you're going through and I'm also battling loneliness, but hearing how so many people are struggling with the same thing does make me feel better, and a little less alone.
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