EyeAlone Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 My boyfriend and I are in a rocky relationship right now. Last week, he pointed out all of the things I've been doing wrong. I admit, I haven't been a very good girlfriend to him recently. I've been trying way too hard to please him and he just wants me to be myself. Okay, so I've been working on that. I feel a lot better that we got all of our feelings out on the table and we're finally on the same page together. However, I feel sad. I feel like I've failed at being a girlfriend. I feel hated. I keep telling myself that if he really hates me, he would have broken up with me. When we had our "talk" I specifically asked him if he wanted to quit the relationship and he said no. So I'm really trying to keep remembering and convincing myself that he wants to stay. But it's so hard. I wonder if he's sticking around because he doesn't want to be single. I really hope we can recover and mend the broken pieces. But sometimes it seems so hopeless! Sometimes I worry that the relationship is ruined. I'm beginning to mentally analyze every little action he does and interpreting it as a sign that he doesn't like me anymore. But it's also just a gut feeling I have. Anyone have any advice for me, please? Thanks so much!
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 What exactly have you not done that is bothering him? You say you haven't been a good girlfriend...In what sense? Also, has HE been a good boyfriend to you?
Author EyeAlone Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Well, he pretty much said that he gets annoyed telling me to do things and for me always taking his lead. For example, he says that I don't go brush my teeth and get ready for bed unless he's doing it. I also wait for him to come home from work and ask him what he wants for dinner. He wants me to be more independent with that sort of thing since I'm home more than he is and cook what I feel like cooking. He also wants me to initiate sex more. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having sex with him. I was just worried that I might annoy him if I try to initiate sex when he doesn't want to have sex in the first place. In retrospect, yeah, I think I've been too timid and I tend to worry a lot (obviously) and it's been getting in the way of being myself. But it just seems like the more I think and dwell over this, the more depressed I become. I keep wondering if we're meant to be together or if he really doesn't like me and he's just staying in the relationship for a selfish reason. I really want to stop dwelling on this because it gets in the way of stuff I need to do but I just feel like I need constant reassurance!
Siphon9a Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I think that it's very attractive when a woman can be a attached and independent at the same time. Your putting too much worry on yourself thinking about every single thing he wants. Like for instance with the cooking, just make something. The first girl I dated could not make a decision for herself and was so reliant on every single thing I did, it drove me nuts. I finally had to end it cause I couldn't put up with her emotionally obsessive nature. It became overwhelming. I think what the guy is driving at is for you to make an independent decision for yourself, not that your blocking him out. Just make a choice about something on your own. And as far as the sex thing, he will love it if you just take control of it at first and let him know your wanting it. I mean you don't have to be the lead in the whole activity. Makes a guy feel good to know your after him! At least it does for me! Your making something small a big deal. I'm doing the same thing but with a different subject matter. What I'm learning is to just roll with it and be happy. Be his equal, not his servant and your gold. He will respect you for that! Just go where ever he is at and drag him in the bedroom and tell him your gettin some whether he likes it or not or even better, wake him up in the middle of the night! That's always good!! Relax and be yourself and be happy with him!!! You deserve it because you seem to want to make him happy, you should be too!!!!!!
AussieJack Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I think that it's very attractive when a woman can be a attached and independent at the same time. THis guy is a good man. He has been open and forthright in telling you what his grievances were. Isn't that how " open communication " is supposed to work ? Essentially, he is telling you that you are behaving like a helpless child and he feels like your father, not your lover. His expectations of you are reasonable. He is annoyed because you are not taking charge of the decisions which are yours to execute. You are waiting for "daddy" to come home. Why ? I had a g/f once who NEVER initiated anything. THerefor I had to make my own decisions PLUS hers as well - she never felt comfortable with "owning " her own forward motion. SHe talked at length about her "passivity and compliance" as if she were praising herself for being noble. It got on my nerves and eventually we broke up. She was heavy going. Habitually defering simple decisions to another person is immature and manipulative because you are sliding the onus onto the other person. The thinking is that if the decision does not work out , ot goes bad, then you get to play innocent because YOU did not make the call. Your realtionship needs to be re- negotiated. Sit down with your B/f and work out a 'division of labor' in which each of you clearly knows what each will do and what each expects of the other . And STOP mindreading him - he is being open and honest with you . Take him at his word.
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