My wife was a prostitute. Will she do it again?

[nolove4me]

This is not a hoax! This is what I am going through. Please, only serious responses needed to help me.

When we first met it was like magic.

 

I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37 never married and no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met. She was married with 7 kids to another man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants. I even knocked on her door and spoke to her kids while campaigning for a friends senate position.

 

I was at point in my life where I was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country. I wanted a big house on a "44" acre ranch and had the money to do it. I had been searching for almost a year to find the right place. Of course my family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn't have any kids yet. This was something that I always wanted - A lot of kids and a loving, beautiful wife.

 

Not knowing it at the time but she moved 1500 miles away in the year 2000. She ended up divorcing her verbally abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2004 and keeping custody of their 7 kids. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa (I'm from Iowa) whose face she couldn't see. She was trying to plan a trip there to maybe by fate meet him somehow when her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. Well she was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister's funeral. She went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends while she was there. Through some amazing turns of events we ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We were finally together.

 

Here comes the bombshell. She tells me (and my mother later) that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money (thousands) to save her house and catch her up on her bills (monthly bills run about $4000). I have to start selling all my toys (boats, cars, travel trailer etc.) and send her the money to keep her afloat. We move forward in our relationship and I make several trips to her home in the country over the next four months.

 

We have been told we are a Barbie and Ken couple and on a scale of 1-10 in looks we are both a 9. We had the physical attraction going for us but there was a lot more to it. We had great communication between us. Laughter beyond belief and she has finished sentences of thoughts I had begun in my head. We both felt as though we had always known each other forever. My birthday is in the last four digits of her SS number, on her license plates and in her mailing address. We have many more neat things like that together.

 

After returning home (now we apart 1500 miles) she tells me she is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 and 17. A few days later on the day I'm buying her wedding ring (very nice, 10K) I get a call from her and she tells me her oldest son (on drugs) just beat her up. He was taken away by the police. I really begin to worry about her and feel as though I can't protect her and the other kids being 1500 miles away so I sell my house and business. On the last day I can be in my house I pack my bags, say goodbye to friends and leave for the airport. She picks me up that day from the airport in her area on her 39th birthday and we move in together. I thought that was a pretty amazing birthday present and that it actually worked out that way with no planning. It just happened.

 

Here is where the problem starts. Her old pimp (local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up for him and the guys (4-6 married & single guys). This goes on every 2-3 weeks for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how upset and unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn't stop him from calling that I was going to leave. So she tells me that it is not that easy to do because the guy is connected and she can't just tell him to stop calling. In the meantime I'm catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I'm doing all the shopping, cooking dinners, doing laundry, fixing up all the broken things in the house, taking the kids to school/practices and basically organizing/running the house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers, chocolates, give her massages, buy her gifts and when we make love she tells me she has never felt that way before. I pamper her for over a year. Her mom and sister made jokes about how I was like the "Mr. Wonderful Doll". You pulled the string and Mr. Wonderful would say loving things like "You relax honey I'll do the dishes" and so on. That is who I was. Her mom even told her that she had better treat me right because I was a very good man and very very good to her and the kids and not to lose me because I was a keeper.

 

Now I begin to realize she doesn't and hasn't done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no initiation of love or affection. In four years together she's brought me a cup of coffee every now and then. She also bought me a shirt on one of my birthdays. No cards or love notes from her. Nothing! When I would hug her she would drop down and do this strech thing with her back. I can't remeber what a hug is anymore. I have to go and see my mother to be reminded what it is suppose to be like. I have wanted to leave her many times because of this and have tried talking to her about it on numerous occasions. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love (not just making love - all the other little things), affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok. She says a lot of marriages are that way and I should be happy with that. I feel used, unwanted, unneeded, unhappy and have lost all confidence in myself.

 

We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost 3 yrs. We have a son together now making a total of 8 kids. We also had several of the 17 yr olds friends living with us at different times for months on end. Finances were straining our marriage and her ex hadn't paid child support on their 7 kids together the whole time. He is behind almost $80,000 and has quit many high paying ($75,000+) jobs to avoid paying child support. A warrant for his arrest was issued on my birthday for back child support .

 

I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and used alcohol to cover up the deep hurt I had from her. I said many things to her that I wished I could take back. I am very sorry for that. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the things that I have said. I'm not making excuses for my behavior but I felt like a dog chained to a tree that doesn't get any food or water. I love her but feel as though I was used badly. I have lost my desire to do anything for her. I used to publish two magazines in two markets doing 98% of all the work. Selling the ads, creating the ads, laying out the magazine, sending it to the printer, distributing 20,000 copies in two different states and maintaing the website I created for it.. I was told that I did the work of seven people for the magazines. I also did over 50% of the work needed for our other business. I finally gave up on the publishing and everything else. She despises me now for not continuing to provide for her and the kids. In fact I was told by a friend that she hates me now. Why can't she see or understand that her actions or lack of actions (showing love) has changed me into the complete opposite of who I really am? Can't she remember the wonderful person that I was the first year we were together and wonder what happened to that great guy. I can not figure out why she didn't treat me right. I didn't have a sign on my forehead that said neglect me?

 

I haven't had any alcohol since I moved out on 2-16-08. I filed for divorce on 2-29-08. I love my wife and kids but I can't see them anymore because she filed abuse charges against me on 2-16-08 for the things that I have said to her. I only get to see the son we have together four days out of the month. I fear she will go back to her old ways.

Do I work towards saving our marriage? Was I used? Will she do it again? Should I move on? HELP!!!!!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow - that is a LOT. You appear to have made some very rash decisions, apparently without thinking.

 

4 years ago I would have asked why you were planning on moving to be with her as you were the one with the business, and stable life - she should have moved to be with you, etc. Unfortunately that is all water under the bridge.

 

So the most important question is do you want to work on this marriage or not? Your actions would say no, as you have already filed for divorce, however from your post you seem to act first think later, so maybe that is the case here. If you want to save the marriage, you two clearly need counseling probably both individual and marriage counseling.

 

If the answer is no, then you have no right to care if she goes back to prostitution, other than how it affects your son. Frankly if his mother is engaging in illegal activity - that would only strengthen your position in a custody battle. So if you don't want to continue the marriage, you should HOPE she does go back to prostitution.

 

Does any of that make sense?

[jmargel]

Wow.. honestly.. I think she used you just like the many guys that came into her life. Seven kids should be a huge sign for you right there. Seven kids without having the ability to raise just one is a sign of irresponsibility.

 

I think you were blinded not by love, but by infactuation. You wanted to see things that weren't there. Perhaps you were so lonely that all of this took you for a ride.

 

Good chance she was cheating on you physically (still being a prostitute) while being with you. That's why her pimp was still calling. That's also the reason why she was distant from you. IMO you should get checked for STDs.

 

This woman is damaged. She will conform to whoever will give her the next dollar. She can't love anyone else, because she can't even love herself. She is too worried about finding the next guy to take her responsibilities.

 

IMO you should seek individual counseling for yourself and continue with the divorce. She's been abusive towards you and things will not get better. At least, I don't see that happening. She has way too many issues she needs to deal with before she can start giving to someone else.

 

Now is the time to start making yourself happy, start setting short term goals for yourself and focus on them. And try to stay away from her as much as possible.

[LuCidiTy]

odd how all three responses start with "wow"...

 

wow. sounds like she's pretty emotionally detached. you asked it and i'll reiterate...what did she ever really do for you? was this primarily a superficial, shallow, physical attraction on your part or what?

 

i'm sorry you're in pain and also that you have a child together. that's going to be the hardest part for you (out of a lot of hard parts) in the end.

Edited March 20, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Darth Vader]

RRRRUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't walk! RRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! Away, Far AWAY!

[sadhubby]

omg i here the fiddle playing in the background !!! i feel for you i think you found a real vampire.

[Rogue]

Are you insane?

[IpAncA]

Yikes! I don't think you need us to answer that question for you. Sounds like she's always had bad habits.

[Gunny376]

The best predictior of furture behavior?

 

Is past behavior!

[Darth Vader]

omg i here the fiddle playing in the background !!! i feel for you i think you found a real vampire.

 

 

I'll get the garlic!

 

Oh, hey Gunny, what's up?