nolove4me Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 This is not a hoax! This is what I am going through. Please, only serious responses needed to help me. When we first met it was like magic. I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37 never married and no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met. She was married with 7 kids to another man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants. I even knocked on her door and spoke to her kids while campaigning for a friends senate position. I was at point in my life where I was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country. I wanted a big house on a "44" acre ranch and had the money to do it. I had been searching for almost a year to find the right place. Of course my family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn't have any kids yet. This was something that I always wanted - A lot of kids and a loving, beautiful wife. Not knowing it at the time but she moved 1500 miles away in the year 2000. She ended up divorcing her verbally abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2004 and keeping custody of their 7 kids. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa (I'm from Iowa) whose face she couldn't see. She was trying to plan a trip there to maybe by fate meet him somehow when her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. Well she was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister's funeral. She went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends while she was there. Through some amazing turns of events we ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We were finally together. Here comes the bombshell. She tells me (and my mother later) that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money (thousands) to save her house and catch her up on her bills (monthly bills run about $4000). I have to start selling all my toys (boats, cars, travel trailer etc.) and send her the money to keep her afloat. We move forward in our relationship and I make several trips to her home in the country over the next four months. We have been told we are a Barbie and Ken couple and on a scale of 1-10 in looks we are both a 9. We had the physical attraction going for us but there was a lot more to it. We had great communication between us. Laughter beyond belief and she has finished sentences of thoughts I had begun in my head. We both felt as though we had always known each other forever. My birthday is in the last four digits of her SS number, on her license plates and in her mailing address. We have many more neat things like that together. After returning home (now we apart 1500 miles) she tells me she is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 and 17. A few days later on the day I'm buying her wedding ring (very nice, 10K) I get a call from her and she tells me her oldest son (on drugs) just beat her up. He was taken away by the police. I really begin to worry about her and feel as though I can't protect her and the other kids being 1500 miles away so I sell my house and business. On the last day I can be in my house I pack my bags, say goodbye to friends and leave for the airport. She picks me up that day from the airport in her area on her 39th birthday and we move in together. I thought that was a pretty amazing birthday present and that it actually worked out that way with no planning. It just happened. Here is where the problem starts. Her old pimp (local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up for him and the guys (4-6 married & single guys). This goes on every 2-3 weeks for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how upset and unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn't stop him from calling that I was going to leave. So she tells me that it is not that easy to do because the guy is connected and she can't just tell him to stop calling. In the meantime I'm catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I'm doing all the shopping, cooking dinners, doing laundry, fixing up all the broken things in the house, taking the kids to school/practices and basically organizing/running the house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers, chocolates, give her massages, buy her gifts and when we make love she tells me she has never felt that way before. I pamper her for over a year. Her mom and sister made jokes about how I was like the "Mr. Wonderful Doll". You pulled the string and Mr. Wonderful would say loving things like "You relax honey I'll do the dishes" and so on. That is who I was. Her mom even told her that she had better treat me right because I was a very good man and very very good to her and the kids and not to lose me because I was a keeper. Now I begin to realize she doesn't and hasn't done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no initiation of love or affection. In four years together she's brought me a cup of coffee every now and then. She also bought me a shirt on one of my birthdays. No cards or love notes from her. Nothing! When I would hug her she would drop down and do this strech thing with her back. I can't remeber what a hug is anymore. I have to go and see my mother to be reminded what it is suppose to be like. I have wanted to leave her many times because of this and have tried talking to her about it on numerous occasions. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love (not just making love - all the other little things), affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok. She says a lot of marriages are that way and I should be happy with that. I feel used, unwanted, unneeded, unhappy and have lost all confidence in myself. We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost 3 yrs. We have a son together now making a total of 8 kids. We also had several of the 17 yr olds friends living with us at different times for months on end. Finances were straining our marriage and her ex hadn't paid child support on their 7 kids together the whole time. He is behind almost $80,000 and has quit many high paying ($75,000+) jobs to avoid paying child support. A warrant for his arrest was issued on my birthday for back child support . I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and used alcohol to cover up the deep hurt I had from her. I said many things to her that I wished I could take back. I am very sorry for that. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the things that I have said. I'm not making excuses for my behavior but I felt like a dog chained to a tree that doesn't get any food or water. I love her but feel as though I was used badly. I have lost my desire to do anything for her. I used to publish two magazines in two markets doing 98% of all the work. Selling the ads, creating the ads, laying out the magazine, sending it to the printer, distributing 20,000 copies in two different states and maintaing the website I created for it.. I was told that I did the work of seven people for the magazines. I also did over 50% of the work needed for our other business. I finally gave up on the publishing and everything else. She despises me now for not continuing to provide for her and the kids. In fact I was told by a friend that she hates me now. Why can't she see or understand that her actions or lack of actions (showing love) has changed me into the complete opposite of who I really am? Can't she remember the wonderful person that I was the first year we were together and wonder what happened to that great guy. I can not figure out why she didn't treat me right. I didn't have a sign on my forehead that said neglect me? I haven't had any alcohol since I moved out on 2-16-08. I filed for divorce on 2-29-08. I love my wife and kids but I can't see them anymore because she filed abuse charges against me on 2-16-08 for the things that I have said to her. I only get to see the son we have together four days out of the month. I fear she will go back to her old ways. Do I work towards saving our marriage? Was I used? Will she do it again? Should I move on? HELP!!!!!!!
Lyssa Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I haven't had any alcohol since I moved out on 2-16-08. I filed for divorce on 2-29-08. I love my wife and kids but I can't see them anymore because she filed abuse charges against me on 2-16-08 for the things that I have said to her. I only get to see the son we have together four days out of the month. I fear she will go back to her old ways. Do I work towards saving our marriage? Was I used? Will she do it again? Should I move on? HELP!!!!!!! First of all, I am sorry you had to go through all that. It must have drained you - physically and emotionally. I hate to say this but from what I understand, she used you. I don't understand why after all the things you have done for her and her kids, she filed abuse against you! You may have said hurtful things but I guess she just didn't think about all the things you have done for her. Personally, I think it's better for you to move on. You can help her but she has to help herself first. I don't know how hard it is to stop those calls from coming (from her pimp) but if she loved you like she said she did, it should have stopped.
sedgwick Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 If the only issue was that she was once a sex worker, I'd say no big deal. But it sounds like there are many issues WAY bigger than that. It sort of sounds like her former career is the least of your worries.
City_girl Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Think there's not a lot that can be said here to be honest. I have an opinion on everything but haven't a clue what's going on here. You say she is cold and not responsive? The one thing that did cross my mind was to quote Kanye. "I aint saying shes a gold digga, but she aint messing with no broke N...... " Is she pimping herself out to you because she's got her back against the wall? I dunno but her behaviour doesn't sound like that of a woman who has found her soulmate to me. I would withdraw all financial assistance except that which she is legally entitled too, draw boundaries with the older kids. You need to step up to the plate now and flush her out , see if she gets warmer when the money dries up etc. I think the least of your worries is will she turn tricks again but rather are you the ultimate trick? I'm sorry to be so blunt, you sound like a wonderful loviing man. I'm asking why you left it so long and took so much crap? There's more to a woman than being a 9 you know? Maybe your looking for the right thing in the wrong place. Forget all the signs the universe has given you, in mental health terms that's called magical thinking and not conscidered to be entirely rational. Loose the denial, it's hard but it's the only way you will get throught this. Sending you the best wishes over the pond, keep your chin up. you may be down but your not out.
Owl Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 OK, several things here. First off...you have a "white knight complex". You need to STOP trying to 'save' people. You tried to 'save' her from the very beginning, and that set the pattern for your entire relationship. Even with as physically attractive as she is, she was still a "fixer-upper"...emotionally, financially, etc... At least be aware of this going forward in any future relationships you have with anyone. Next...is she back to making money "her old way"? Probably. But that doesn't matter. Most women in that profession quickly become emotionally incapable of true "love". They emotionally distance themselves from ANY man...ESPECIALLY those who remain constants in their lives. Its an emotional/mental defense mechanism that permits them to "do the job" without constantly going through emotional torment. Unfortunately, the side-affect is so much emotional scar tissue that it becomes impossible for them to REALLY be in love with someone. As you've found out. They can "talk the talk", but not truly "walk the walk". Your choice to rebuild this marriage or not is YOURS...but you need to really stop and think about what it'll TRULY take to do so.
LakesideDream Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 You seem to be a very money oriented person. It shouldn't be a suprise that you were attracted to a beautiful hooker. From your post it sounds like you were just another obsessed John (see the N.Y. Gov!) You sold your toys, your dream house, made a major move, all to be with the object of your obsession. The whole thing about "dreaming of a man from Iowa with no face" would have scared me into moving to Alaska. She pushed your buttons with great expertise born of long earned experiance. Why not just cut your losses (you have literally hemoraged money for quite awhile now) publish some more magazines, and maybe you will find someone more appropriate. It's pretty clear that you are happiest when you are earning mountains of money. Get back to what you do best and be happy in the bargain.
ninjaturtles Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I can't think of any better way to put this, but I think she was using you. You did everything possible for her, but received minimal reciprocation. She even filled for assault against you? I honestly think you should not look back with the divorce proceedings. As much as I cherish marraige, this looks bleek. Who am I to judge though? I am simply a spectator...but based on your story, I reckon you step out for good.
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