spookie Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 This is something I've been thinking a lot about recently. How often is our gut feeling about someone right? I can honestly say that I "knew" I would love my ex-boyfriend the moment our eyes met. (In my diary that night, I wrote: I met a dark-haired boy in math class that I think will be my husband.) We didn't get married, but we DID fall in love and spend 3 years together, which constitutes a pretty successful relationship IMO. It was the same way with every close friend I've ever had: love at first sight. It seems like either I click with someone immediately, or never. I have never "grown" to like anyone in my life. And it's not like I don't give people chances. Which makes me wonder if we shouldn't all take a lazier approach to this whole finding love thing. Maybe when you meet a "one" you DO just know. Maybe we should listen to our guts more about how we feel about random strangers. What do y'all think? And, quick poll: Of all the people you've loved, how many did you feel you could love right away? How many "grew" on you?
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 What do y'all think? And, quick poll: Of all the people you've loved, how many did you feel you could love right away? How many "grew" on you? I'm with you on this one, I'm the same way. Everyone I've ever had a LTR with I knew, from the first moment I saw them, that I would be in an R with them, on some level. I've never, ever, ever had someone "grow" on me. Never dated a friend. I had two FWBs who were longtime friends - but even then I knew we would not date.
Skies Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 At first sight I may get the feelings of wanting to know more about this person, although I may not fall in love immediately. I would think as I know more about this person I will develop a romantic feeling towards the person.
carhill Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 In general, I'm rarely surprised by anything. A classic feature of a sensitive nervous system. As far as dating and relationships, my intuition has never been wrong. It always plays out the way my instincts told me it would, even if I don't listen to them. Classic nice guy problem As far as the poll, only one (right away) and she knows who she is and has for half my substantial life. I'm not married to her. Equal desire but bad timing. My wife grew on me, though I should have trusted my instincts regarding my growing on her. I'm paying for that now... Other than that, no one has "grown" on me. Plenty of experiences but few successes. Still a lot of life to live yet
underpants Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I think listening to your gut is a good thing. However, our gut can fool us and then we should filter that attraction through our brain and validate wheather or not to act on an initial gut attraction. We can be 'attracted' to unhealthy experiences. You read about that here everyday. I have had the experience of raw gut attraction only to be hurt very badly. I've also had the experience of not being so sure in the beginning and growing to truly love a person over time. Even then, there is a risk of being hurt. However, I will admit that because of some less then stellar experiences I am much more guarded about who I let into my heart. I kind of miss that naive girl that could love with abandon.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Gut instinct is our subconscious mind, making lightening fast judgements or gathering missed and unmissed information and drawing conclusions. The human mind is so schizophrenic...and pretty cool. Gut instinct tends to be right but sometimes, it can be fooled by desire and fears. Best to listen to all your senses. Judge by actions, not words. The one glaring example of gut instinct being right, was that I didn't even like my ex-H, when I met him. It took a long time before things progressed from annoying, to something more. On the otherhand, the actions he displayed to me, previous to D-day, were ones of the perfect husband. Ah well, nvm......what the hell do I know!
AussieJack Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Gut instinct is our subconscious mind, making lightening fast judgements or gathering missed and unmissed information and drawing conclusions. The human mind is so schizophrenic...and pretty cool. Gut instinct tends to be right but sometimes, it can be fooled by desire and fears. Best to listen to all your senses. Judge by actions, not words. All true !
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Gut instinct tends to be right but sometimes, it can be fooled by desire and fears. Best to listen to all your senses. Judge by actions, not words. While that is all true have you ever noticed that when we look at something in hindsight that went nuts we always say.." Damn I wish I had listened to my gut ".. We never say " Damn.. I got fooled by my desires "
Storyrider Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 My negative gut feelings about a person can be wrong when they're based on false assumptions and ignorant prejudices, which can mislead. My positive gut feelings tend to be muddied by desire and wishful thinking, which can fuel a more positive reaction than is warranted. Self-knowledge is also crucial in interpreting your gut accurately and knowing what gut reactions to take seriously.
Stockalone Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 My gut feeling basically decides if I should give something a try or not. If it doesn't feel right, I don't do it. And if my gut is telling my to go for it, my rational mind will decide whether or not pursuing that gut feeling is a good idea or not.
serial muse Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 My negative gut feelings about a person can be wrong when they're based on false assumptions and ignorant prejudices, which can mislead. My positive gut feelings tend to be muddied by desire and wishful thinking, which can fuel a more positive reaction than is warranted. Self-knowledge is also crucial in interpreting your gut accurately and knowing what gut reactions to take seriously. Oh Lord, ain't that the truth. And it takes a lifetime to master. Or maybe I just mean it will, for me.
City_girl Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I have always known from the first moment if I would love a man. I think my ex husband grew on me or maybe I just settled. I knew he wasn't the one and could never be. so again the gut feeling was right. One occasion tho I fell for a guy on the second date, when I had put him firmly in the friend zone. I found him irresistable. I found out later he wore my late boyfriend's scented after shave that night. Weird how the mind works. I instantly bonded to him that night and couln't work out why, weird!!
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 While that is all true have you ever noticed that when we look at something in hindsight that went nuts we always say.." Damn I wish I had listened to my gut ".. We never say " Damn.. I got fooled by my desires " That's because we're all in De Nile!!
reelwoman Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Actually, the best relationship I was ever in was with someone I was friends with for 4 years and never felt attracted to. the last year of our friendship pre-romance we got closer and closer and felt more and more attracted. Once we got into the romance it was fantastic because we were so comfortable with each other and yet so attracted too. I tend to be friends first, but I definitely have that same gut feeling about people sometimes, that I know I want to be with them romantically even if it takes awhile to get there. But I sometimes think we're subconsciously attracted to people who we somehow sense will be a partner who will play out a familiar role in terms of the relationship dynamics and patterns we learned as children---that is, for better or worse ( in my case, typically worse) we really DO end up being drawn to our fathers and mothers!
Author spookie Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Interesting responses. I was curious about this because every now and then, I go on dates with ok guys that I just don't feel in the gut for, and I always wonder if it's wise to pursue it until I do... which I HAVE tried on several occasions, to no avail.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 spook, make certain you're not self-prophesizing that it won't work. If so, you're not allowing attraction to happen naturally.
backspn Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 spook, make certain you're not self-prophesizing that it won't work. If so, you're not allowing attraction to happen naturally. I believe that attraction happens over time. As you get to know someone you get more attracted to them. I have never believed in love at first site, maybe lust at first site. How can you love someone if you dont even know them?
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I believe that attraction happens over time. As you get to know someone you get more attracted to them. I have never believed in love at first site, maybe lust at first site. How can you love someone if you dont even know them? I don't think it's love...it's this weird gut intuition. I've met plenty of people I would have sex with, sure...but for some reason, with every single guy I've been in a LTR with, I knew that I would be with them, for some period of time, from the instant I met them. Coincidence? Or psychic phenomena?
audrey_1 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I'm struggling with this right now in my own relationship. There's only been one SO that grew on me -- my ex-fiancee. But he didn't grow on me to the point where I married him, obviously. All my other LTR did have that "gut feeling" that played itself out. They were more than a year in length and all ended on friendly, mutual terms. My current situation is long distance, and casual, but despite this, my gut is telling me to see where it leads. I've been filtering it through my brain, too, and keep coming up with the same thing.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I believe that attraction happens over time. As you get to know someone you get more attracted to them. I have never believed in love at first site, maybe lust at first site. How can you love someone if you dont even know them? I won't disagree with this at all, especially the love v. lust at first sight, although attraction can be instantaneous, where true caring, needs to grow over time.
Balthazar Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I am either attracted to a woman from the start or not. The decision is intuitive and happens within seconds of meeting her and checking her out. If I am attracted to her physically, I can then move on to her personality, intelligence and other factors. If I am not attracted, nothing else matters; nothing sexual will happen between us. There is no such thing her "growing on me". I think most guys are like me in this respect, I'm not sure about women.
Stockalone Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 If I am not attracted, nothing else matters; nothing sexual will happen between us. There is no such thing her "growing on me". I think most guys are like me in this respect, I'm not sure about women. I would agree with that. How often have you heard a woman say that the guy she ended up with wasn't really her (physical) type? I am not saying that this happens to all women, far from it, but I think it is safe to say that it happens more to women than to men.
Balthazar Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 What is interesting is the number of women who think that a guy will come around to digging them. There was a woman who was always hanging around me, wanting to go out, do stuff etc. I kept politely denying, but she persisted.This went on for about 2 months or so. At some point, I just had to get flat out rude and tell her to stop bugging me! She grew on me alright, grew to be a pain in the ass.
audrey_1 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 What is interesting is the number of women who think that a guy will come around to digging them. There was a woman who was always hanging around me, wanting to go out, do stuff etc. I kept politely denying, but she persisted.This went on for about 2 months or so. At some point, I just had to get flat out rude and tell her to stop bugging me! She grew on me alright, grew to be a pain in the ass. Interesting. So if you're in a casual relationship, and free to date other people, does this mean there's no chance of him "coming around to dig you" in a committed one? Just curious. I almost ended up married to someone who was not my physical type; he was the only person that deviated from my personal taste. I didn't marry him, but the reasons were emotional and social, not physical.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I am either attracted to a woman from the start or not. The decision is intuitive and happens within seconds of meeting her and checking her out. If I am attracted to her physically, I can then move on to her personality, intelligence and other factors. If I am not attracted, nothing else matters; nothing sexual will happen between us. There is no such thing her "growing on me". I think most guys are like me in this respect, I'm not sure about women. I think this is very typical male thinking. Is she hawt? Men forgive much, if she is.
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