xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I was in a long distance casual relationship with a girl for a few months. After spending some weekends with her and talking to her on the phone a lot, I realized she was exactly what I was looking for in a girl, so I fell for her pretty quickly. She noticed this, and was indifferent about it for a few months, but finally called me and told me she wasn't looking for a serious relationship with anyone and just didn't feel the same way about me. She said we we're heading in different directions because we're graduating college. She wanted to stop sleeping with me because she didn't think it was fair to me, and that we didn't really know each other that well so we should continue being friends. Unfortunately, instead of just accepting that, I panicked and told her that I would always feel something more for her and to not forget me in the future when we moved and when her feelings changed about a relationship. She called our best friend after we talked and started yelling about how difficult and obsessive I was and that she didn't want to see me again. I wanted to apologize because I realize it was stupid that I was just being impatient and childish, but my friend said that would be the worst thing to do; that I could only apologize if she ever talked to me again. So my question to all the women is do you really forgive and forget over time? I know your minds change like night and day quickly (just like hers did with me; one minute she was talking about me changing her mind about a relationship, the next she didn't want anything like that with me). Normally, I would just have accepted it and moved on, but we had something really good and she just didn't notice it, and I told her that if we moved to the places we had planned after college, we'd be the same distance we were now (only a couple hours). Add in the fact that I'm in love with this girl, and our best friends know we'd be great with each other. Really this all ended because of bad timing. She didn't have a the right impression of who I was (I was going through stress with school and other personal problems) coupled with the fact she didn't want a serious relationship. My friends always told her she would have loved me if she met me a year earlier and that they'll always remind her how great we would be together. I treated her like an angel when I was with her (probably the thing that gave her the impression that I fell for her quickly). There was just too much good that would have progressed to let go of. So it's been 3 weeks since that bad ending convo and I've left her alone like my friend told me to. He says he doesn't have any faith that she'll get with me in the future. So women, do thoughts like this really stay in your minds, meaning I could never get with this girl ever in my life, or do you keep in mind that people change and could go in with an open mind if you met up with someone that ended like this months/years down the road?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 She might forgive but she will never forget. If you give her time away from you and your presence, most likely she will have put everything nbehind her. Then when you finally do get in contact with her, she will be tentative to respond to you, but nonetheless she might be friendly enough to initiate a conversation with you. But all thoughts of getting into a relationship with you will have been put behin her. The most affection from her that you can receive by that time will be that of a friend.
Ariadne Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Oh, I fell for her pretty quickly after spending some weekends with her and talking to her on the phone she was exactly what I was looking for in a girl we had something really good and she just didn't notice it I'm in love with this girl ----- How very typical male.. Anyway, about this: do you really forgive and forget over time? There's nothing to forgive and forget. She just doesn't like you and you have creeped her out already. Sorry.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 There is really nothing to forgive. She's just not that into you and has been clear about it. She was honest with you when she found out that you really liked her...she did not want to lead you on. I say, accept what has happened and just forget about her.
marlena Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I'm sorry this turned out this way for you. In all probability, you frightened her off. If I were you, I would let it go for a while, say, three weeks, and then, call her up and without any relationship talk, just ask her how she is. Keep it light and friendly. See where it goes from there. If she doesn't give you any encouragement at all, say, she never calls you back or something, then, I would say let it go and move on. Good luck!
AussieJack Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) I treated her like an angel when I was with her (probably the thing that gave her the impression that I fell for her quickly). There was just too much good that would have progressed to let go of. So it's been 3 weeks since that bad ending convo and I've left her alone like my friend told me to. He says he doesn't have any faith that she'll get with me in the future. Here we go again- MEN, go back thru some posts here from other men who tell a similar story to the OP. You will notice that somewhere in EVERY one of them the guy says,"I treated her like an angel/ princess/ goddess --".. OR " I confessed my love for her in the first month", or ," I knew that she was THE ONE for me and I told her.." ...and even , " I poured out my heart about how much I loved/needed her .." ....."I gave her everything - stopped seeing my friends. I quit hunting and fishing and ...." The outcome of every one of these relationships was heartbreak for the guy when SHE decided that she "did not feel the same any more" . WHY? Because you guys stop being the MAN she fell for in the first minute or the first day that she met you. YOU became a "woman pleaser", a supplicating, approval seeking chump.. You truly believed that the key to maintaining a woman's love and attraction was to PLEASE her, didn't you? "Give the little lady whatever she wants .. when she is happy we are ALL happy " -- right ? Well, based on results, what do you all think of that strategy now ? I am also going to suggest to you that what women TELL you that they want in man is NOT what they are ultimately ATTRACTED to. How many of you have ever heard or seen a woman talk about how she wants a "sweet, kind, cute, guy with a good job and then you see her a few weeks later hanging all over some jerk with a coke addiction who treats her like crap. I am not suggesting that you get into drugs and quit your job, but I am suggesting that you do some soul searching about what you believe about what attracts and holds women and compare it to the results that you are getting . YOu will be surprised at what you discover about yourself and your beliefs. And soon I will tell you what I have learned about women - in the trenches , the hard way. Edited March 20, 2008 by AussieJack
marlena Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 How many of you have ever heard or seen a woman talk about how she wants a "sweet, kind, cute, guy with a good job and then you see her a few weeks later hanging all over some jerk with a coke addiction who treats her like crap. I had to laugh over this. Aussie, you make some good points. We women are indeed mysterious creatures.
Author xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 She might forgive but she will never forget. If you give her time away from you and your presence, most likely she will have put everything nbehind her. Then when you finally do get in contact with her, she will be tentative to respond to you, but nonetheless she might be friendly enough to initiate a conversation with you. But all thoughts of getting into a relationship with you will have been put behin her. The most affection from her that you can receive by that time will be that of a friend. That's how I thought of it, and this would be much better than just not having anything. I realized later I should have kept her as a friend because I was simply being impatient with her. A big part of the problem as I said was that she didn't ever see the person that our friends told her she would have loved. She thought I was no fun, when in reality I'm usually the life of the party. That was all I wanted to do was show her that, but I panicked because of the short amount of time I had left with her. Instead I spent the time I had with her trying be a boyfriend to her and treat her like a nice guy. It was all just bad timing (which she agreed when she talked about it with our friend). So I'm just hoping things pan out like you said and I get to show her how I used to be, and possibly change her mind about me. I could be patient now if that were to happen. I don't like hearing about giving up on something that could have definitely worked, but now is screwed forever simply because of bad timing and her state of mind. It makes me doubt relationships in general, thinking that instead of there being "the right ones" for you, it's just "the right ones at the time being" for you.
Author xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) Here we go again- WHY? Because you guys stop being the MAN she fell for in the first minute or the first day that she met you. YOU became a "woman pleaser", a supplicating, approval seeking chump.. You truly believed that the key to maintaining a woman's love and attraction was to PLEASE her, didn't you? "Give the little lady whatever she wants .. when she is happy we are ALL happy " -- right ? Well, based on results, what do you all think of that strategy now ? How many of you have ever heard or seen a woman talk about how she wants a "sweet, kind, cute, guy with a good job and then you see her a few weeks later hanging all over some jerk with a coke addiction who treats her like crap. I am not suggesting that you get into drugs and quit your job, but I am suggesting that you do some soul searching about what you believe about what attracts and holds women and compare it to the results that you are getting . Girls are attracted to jerks. Women aren't. They're attracted to confidence. They want a guy who is sweet, but not a pussy. Look at how many relationships have ended because the woman thought the guy didn't care (the best friend referred to in my story above got dumped a few months ago by his girlfriend because she thought he didn't care about her). Or on the flip side, look at how many women came running back to a guy because they didn't realize how sweet and good to her they were until they we're gone. I'm hoping for the latter down the road. She slept with me the first night and continued to sleep with me because she was attracted to the good first impression I made on her. After a couple weekends I spent with her, I started trying to treat her more like a boyfriend would. Granted this is also where I stopped being fun because I was going through problems elsewhere, so that hurt me. But thanks to my friends, she knows I used to be the really fun and someone she would really like. She's just been really frustrated with her life lately, and I simply frustrated her more by pressuring her with something she didn't want. That's what I'm hoping she'll forgive me for; hurting her when all I wanted to do was make her happy. What I'm hoping for is that, with some help from my friend, she'll look past the problems caused by the bad timing and be willing to give things a second shot sometime in the future when we're all settled in life without any personal problems going on. Edited March 20, 2008 by xRJ85x
Ocean-Blue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Girls are attracted to jerks. Women aren't. They're attracted to confidence. They want a guy who is sweet, but not a pussy. Look at how many relationships have ended because the woman thought the guy didn't care (the best friend referred to in my story above got dumped a few months ago by his girlfriend because she thought he didn't care about her). Or on the flip side, look at how many women came running back to a guy because they didn't realize how sweet and good to her they were until they we're gone. I'm hoping for the latter down the road. She slept with me the first night and continued to sleep with me because she was attracted to the good first impression I made on her. After a couple weekends I spent with her, I started trying to treat her more like a boyfriend would. Granted this is also where I stopped being fun because I was going through problems elsewhere, so that hurt me. But thanks to my friends, she knows I used to be the really fun and someone she would really like. She's just been really frustrated with her life lately, and I simply frustrated her more by pressuring her with something she didn't want. That's what I'm hoping she'll forgive me for; hurting her when all I wanted to do was make her happy. What I'm hoping for is that, with some help from my friend, she'll look past the problems caused by the bad timing and be willing to give things a second shot sometime in the future when we're all settled in life without any personal problems going on. What exactly did you do to hurt her? You put yourself out there and she did not reciprocate. Time to move on. You are making this out to be more than it was.
Author xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 What exactly did you do to hurt her? You put yourself out there and she did not reciprocate. Time to move on. You are making this out to be more than it was. "Hurt" is the wrong word to use. "Pissed off" is more like it. She's been having a lot of personal problems lately so she was all stressed out. She just wanted to be friends, and I got panicky and impatient and sort of begged her. I wanted to apologize saying that it was childish of me and I would rather have her as a friend than nothing.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 "Hurt" is the wrong word to use. "Pissed off" is more like it. She's been having a lot of personal problems lately so she was all stressed out. She just wanted to be friends, and I got panicky and impatient and sort of begged her. I wanted to apologize saying that it was childish of me and I would rather have her as a friend than nothing. If you care so much, why not just send her a nice email stating that you'd like to be her friend and leave it at that? If she's made it clear that she does not fancy you, you need to respect her request for space, etc. and leave her be. The more you persist, the more she will resist.
Author xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 If you care so much, why not just send her a nice email stating that you'd like to be her friend and leave it at that? If she's made it clear that she does not fancy you, you need to respect her request for space, etc. and leave her be. The more you persist, the more she will resist. I've been wanting to apologize and say that, but my friend says she doesn't want to hear it and just would make it worse. Says she just wouldn't care because she doesn't need me as a friend. Should I listen to him or should I message or email her? I'm contemplating listening to him on this because he was the one who was helping me out with her and talking to her, and told me she did want a relationship and everything was fine when things were actually going downhill. Like I said, normally I would just accept that we didn't work like I've done with other girls. But there was a lot of good there that everyone but her saw (everyone who hung out with us and talked to us about things said they saw it). There is the potential for us to work great. I've even been going out with other girls to test to see if I really did want her or I was just crazy, and sure enough I keep going back to her.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I've been wanting to apologize and say that, but my friend says she doesn't want to hear it and just would make it worse. Says she just wouldn't care because she doesn't need me as a friend. Should I listen to him or should I message or email her? I'm contemplating listening to him on this because he was the one who was helping me out with her and talking to her, and told me she did want a relationship and everything was fine when things were actually going downhill. Like I said, normally I would just accept that we didn't work like I've done with other girls. But there was a lot of good there that everyone but her saw (everyone who hung out with us and talked to us about things said they saw it). There is the potential for us to work great. I've even been going out with other girls to test to see if I really did want her or I was just crazy, and sure enough I keep going back to her. Your friend may provide some insight, but only you can truly assess the situation and decide what to do. If you think an email is appropriate, then fire away. However, you have to keep in mind that this may push her away further. The bottom line is that nothing can happen right now. She has made that crystal clear. Pining away for her will do nothing for you. If she wants to be with you or wants some kind of friendship, she'll contact you. She doesn't seem like the shy type nor does she sound like she minces words. So if she wants you, she'll know where to find you.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Just let her go and move on, you're wasting your time, energy and emotions on someone who doesn't care for you and your well being. Find someone else, or take a nice vacation to Poland.
AussieJack Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I had to laugh over this. Aussie, you make some good points. We women are indeed mysterious creatures. Mysterious !! Ha ha ! Nuts more like it BUT a bag full of FUN. Love ya !
Author xRJ85x Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) Your friend may provide some insight, but only you can truly assess the situation and decide what to do. If you think an email is appropriate, then fire away. However, you have to keep in mind that this may push her away further. The bottom line is that nothing can happen right now. She has made that crystal clear. Pining away for her will do nothing for you. If she wants to be with you or wants some kind of friendship, she'll contact you. She doesn't seem like the shy type nor does she sound like she minces words. So if she wants you, she'll know where to find you. That's why I don't want to contact her. Not now, at least, with everything else going on in her life. I'm not gonna pin her for anything now. I'm just gonna let things finish out until we finish school before I really start thinking about things again. I know nothing can happen right now. I've accepted that. What I'm hoping for is that sometime in the future, after we've graduated, 8 months to a year down the road, settled into our new lives, she'll look back remember the fun times we did have and how good I treated her, and she'll use that to understand and look past the bad way I responded to it. I gave her a few gifts over the few months that would keep me in her mind for this very reason. And like I said, I always will have my friend supporting me with her, telling her that we would have been great together. Another big part of the problem is that my friends tell me she's just screwed up in the head right now and completely undatable; that she's not the person they knew would be good with me. I don't think she's completely lost; I fell for her because I did see the good part they were talking about. She's just so against relationships right now (she really hates them and thinks anyone who's in them is wrong for it), so maybe it just means she needs time to get her head back on straight, and she'll realize then that things worked. I know I seem like I'm crazy waiting around for her, but I take the girls I go after very seriously since I don't try to get in a relationship with a girl unless I really know she's worth it. And never have I gotten so attached to a girl so quickly as this one. Edited March 20, 2008 by xRJ85x
Ocean-Blue Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 It's fine to hope that perhaps things will work out one day. But don't sit there waiting for it. Go out and live your life... Try to keep her off your mind. You'll find it much easier to approach her once you've done this (should you even want to approach...you may find you're over her by that point).
Recommended Posts