Tying the Knot and Doubts

[Ocean-Blue]

Hi LSers.

 

I am hoping some of you wise, wise posters will stop by with your comments on a little question/problem of mine.

 

As some of you may know, I've been in a rather "interesting" R for the last little while (a little over a year).

 

I left a very LTR to be with him (though I never cheated) and was VERY happy with my bf at first...now it seems we have some communication problems. Really, we both have different expectations at times of what we want a relationship to be. He is all about space, independence and dealing with a problem and moving on. Me, I like to have lots of contact, need him to "be there" to help me deal with issues and like to talk about things (a lot) and really delve into the heart of the matter.

 

Anyway, he has been talking about M for a long time. I admit that I too engaged in this conversation with a great deal of enthusiasm. However, I am slowly but surely getting cold feet. He'd like me to tell my parents about this R. My cultural background is such that my parents WILL freak. They were very unhappy about my first breakup and still really haven't gotten over it. My bf's parents know about our relationship and have expressed that they want me to tell my parents (ASAP). They expect my parents to be told sometime this summer. My bf has been more or less "on the fence"...he's told me that I can tell them when I am comfortable. However, last night, he did tell me that he expects me to tell my parents as he's ready to move forward.

 

As I said, my parents will not be happy. They are still quite upset that I broke up with the boy of their dreams... In fact, my mother is in complete denial (despite my ex moving on...). I've told her he's moved on and is happy (as am I). She refuses to hear me. She thinks there's still "hope" for us.

 

I am not sure what to do. I spoke to a friend of mine and he told me to jut take the plunge. He said that the longer I sit and stew about these things, the more doubts will creep in. He said that b/c we love each other and b/c there is a foundation of trust, things will "fall into place." I have been known to be impulsive and rash...I also know that when I am faced with a permanent situation, I do reorient myself so as to make it "work."

 

What says you all? When it came to marriage (or some kind of serious commitment), did you just do it? Do you think that sometimes you need to just go there and then deal with whatever issues come your way?

 

If it's not my bf, I WILL have to eventually (say within the next few years) get married to someone. I'll be done professional school in a year and then marriage will be a topic of discussion at home. So it's either my bf or some guy my family picks out. My parents have told me I have a choice and would never force me to marry someone I didn't like...but really, I cannot stay single forever. Culturally it's a no-no.

 

So I am majorly conflicted. I have known to be a drama queen and have had my episodes of temper tantrums and the like... I also have doubts. I don't know what to do.

 

I dread the summer almost.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Ocean-Blue

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, Ocean-Blue, I think you need to tell your parents. Just approach it as b/f and g/f, so they can take their time getting used to the idea that it's never going to happen with your ex. Once that sinks in for awhile, you can start discussing "moving forward", when those plans are a little more concrete with your b/f.

 

I wouldn't wait until this summer. The sooner, the better.

[norajane]

If you aren't sure you even want to tell your parents about him, I don't think you love this man so much that you truly are ready to decide to spend the rest of your life with him. I understand you have cultural issues, but that kind of deep, trusting, forever kind of love is the kind you would want to fight for with everything you've got. Nothing would stop you if you were sure he's the man for you.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hey TBF!

 

Yeah, I think I need to tell them too. The secrecy is hard to keep up.

 

I don't know if I can tell them right now (we are literally thousands of miles apart). A few friends have said that it would be cowardly to break such news over the phone.

 

My mother is still holding out hope that the clouds will part and God will reunited my ex and I. She doesn't believe me when I say he's moved on. In fact, she thinks I'm making it up. She blames me for the breakup and thinks I made a mistake. She has told me that no one can/will match the calibre of my ex...ugh! I've told her that there is no way in hell I'm getting back with my ex, that it's over for me and he has moved on. This falls on deaf ears. My parents are in supreme denial.

 

They've told me in no uncertain terms that if things don't work with the ex, they will find someone "suitable" (read: super educated) for me. I told my mother that I'm not a cow and won't marry just anyone they pick. She has said they won't force me but to have faith in them that they'll find the right person for me.

 

So you can see why telling them now (esp. over the phone) may be a bad idea.

[Ocean-Blue]

norajane, hi!

 

It's not that I'm not sure... To be honest, most of the time, I'm quite sure that I want to be with him. However, this is always changing. Part of it is my impulsive nature (I love him one minute and want to leave him the next).

 

My parents opposing this will not stop me from being with him. I won't cut ties with my family, nor will I marry him in secrecy. But I will wait till they come around (I'm confident they will).

 

My biggest fear is telling them and then breaking it off with him. I might as well walk around with a big A on my forehead after this. My community is uber judgmental. Dating and then breaking up with someone is tantamount to divorce for them.

[Trialbyfire]

Why not approach it in an even lesser manner? You could gently break it to them, as having met someone of interest, without going into the relationship aspect. This way, you won't have to wait for a face to face encounter. It could be part of a regular conversation.

 

If you're going to do it this way, make sure your b/f is in agreement, so he doesn't feel minimized. I would hope he can understand a gradual break-in process.

[Ocean-Blue]

I actually tried the "easing in" approach. Back in the summer, when I was home on break, I approached my mother with this. Bear in mind, this was a few months into the break up (so she was mucho upset). I told her that I "liked" someone and that it was somewhat "serious" (that I REALLY felt something for him). She didn't know we were dating or that there was any contact b/w us.

 

Needless to say, she flipped. She asked me his name and what he does for a living. She also asked about his academic background. She wasn't happy. My bf has yet to finish his undergrad (he has a few credits left). I said, "umm...I'm not sure what is school is like." She became angry and asked me if there was an "overlap" b/w my previous relationship and me "liking" this new guy (I told her that I knew this person from back when I was 15/16).

 

I've mentioned a few times since I got back to school (I told her that things are still the same, that I still feel the same way). I haven't come out and said I'm seeing someone... And to be frank, I don't even know that she remembers (based on how she's behaved).

 

By the time I graduate, I'll have 3 degrees. My bf on the other hand doesn't have a single one. This WILL be a big problem for my parents. My mother has said to me that they will not accept anyone less "qualified" than me. I could care less about this. Yes, I want someone intelligent and ambitious (which he is)... And I can forgo the degree thing (well for now). I've discussed this with my bf and he has agreed to complete his degree.

 

So yah, I've brought it up with my mom and it really didn't go anywhere. She just got all emotional and begged me not to do anything, to not "commit".

[norajane]

It's not that I'm not sure... To be honest, most of the time, I'm quite sure that I want to be with him. However, this is always changing. Part of it is my impulsive nature (I love him one minute and want to leave him the next).

 

Are you sure about that?

 

My biggest fear is telling them and then breaking it off with him. I might as well walk around with a big A on my forehead after this. My community is uber judgmental. Dating and then breaking up with someone is tantamount to divorce for them.

 

This quote right here confirms my belief that you aren't sure about him. If you were, you wouldn't have this fear, would you? You'd know you wanted to be with him forever and you wouldn't be afraid of breaking it off after telling them.

 

He is all about space, independence and dealing with a problem and moving on. Me, I like to have lots of contact, need him to "be there" to help me deal with issues and like to talk about things (a lot) and really delve into the heart of the matter.

 

Take this seriously - these qualities in you both are fundamental to your natures. Meaning, this will not change in a substantial way. He will always need the space and independence and quick resolutions, while you will always want togetherness and analysis. What you might consider a mild issue or quirk now, is very likely the thing that will drive you insane after years of it.

 

Consider this issue with your parents as an example. Your bf is ready to get the show on the road and tell them (take care of the problem and move on). And you need all kinds of advice and discussion and planning (analyze, discuss, get your point across to him, plan your approach, wait until the time is right...)

 

Your way will drive him crazy and disturb his comfort level because he'll see it as you dragging it out and being uncertain of wanting to be with him. Just as his way makes you uneasy and you think it's unwise to rush into telling the p's because you believe they need to be carefully handled.

 

I'm sure that when you feel love for him, these differences in your nature are not a problem. However, it's not all sunshine and roses during a lifetime together, so these differences could end up making you miserable if you can't accept them with good grace and compromise.

[Ocean-Blue]

norajane:

 

Thanks for the post. Much of what you've written address a lot of my concerns regarding this relationship.

 

My problem is that I find it very difficult to really connect with a man in that way. Most guys just don't do it for me. Before getting with my bf, I honestly thought there was something wrong with me - that I just didn't have the capacity for romantic love.

 

So my biggest fear is that I'll not be able to find something like this again. The spark, the chemistry, the raw attraction is something I value very much and something I fear I may never feel again with someone else.

 

My bf has pointed out many times that I am very inconsistent and not very committed to this R (whereas he is). He says that I need to figure out what I want and then stick to it. However, for me, the differences (that you pointed out) are far too stark at times for me to ignore.

 

What really irks me is that these differences were not apparent at first. It was all clouds and roses at first. He truly was my ideal. There is NO WAY I would have gotten involved with him if I wasn't sure that we were on the same page. I feel like I've been swindled in some ways... I keep telling him he misrepresented himself...like I've been sold a faulty product and now I'm stuck wondering what to do (yah, this didn't go over too well with his man pride).

 

And I would leave if I knew how. I mean, I'd just walk away. But the fears are far too great for me to do this. I'm so intensely attracted that I'm afraid I'll forever pine away for him. I also don't know that I'll find someone as compatible (he and I agree on the "big" stuff - religion, parenting, etc).

 

But I've also noticed that I've changed a great deal since the start of this R. I've become much more clingy and self doubting. I really don't like it. Sure some of the change has been good, but the other stuff, not so much.

[Ocean-Blue]

So I had a discussion with Mr. Conflict/Discussion Averse. He's agreed that it's unfair for him to expect my parents to be informed of our R when he has been so complacent as of late.

 

I still have my doubts... I want more than just a marriage. I want security, romance and lots of talking and heart to hearts.

 

I really wish there were a way to gently direct him there without being obvious or coming off as a nutjob nag who wants things her way.

 

I'm wondering if perhaps my thoughts/wants are unrealistic. I dunno...

[Star Gazer]

I wish I had some wise words for you, but I can really only parrot what NJ has said thusfar.

 

If it's not my bf, I WILL have to eventually (say within the next few years) get married to someone. I'll be done professional school in a year and then marriage will be a topic of discussion at home. So it's either my bf or some guy my family picks out. My parents have told me I have a choice and would never force me to marry someone I didn't like...but really, I cannot stay single forever. Culturally it's a no-no.

 

Are you truly facing a potential arranged-marriage situation?

[Ocean-Blue]

Are you truly facing a potential arranged-marriage situation?

 

Yeah.

 

It's not a forced sort of marriage (where I meet the groom-to-be a few times and then we get married). The modern version (or the ones my parents are likely to employ) is basically them setting me up with a suitable candidate (similar family background, equally qualified, etc).

 

It's a bit of a weird situation. My family is quite liberal. They did not have any qualms about me dating my ex (despite him being a Roman Catholic). In fact, they loved him. BUT, they see him as my one and only mate (they believe in marrying the first person you date). So for them, I've more or less lost my right to date again. So now, it's either him (as I said, they're in denial) OR some guy they introduce me to. I'll likely be given options over a period of time and then I'll pick the one I like.

 

I'd much rather marry my bf.

[Touche]

Really, we both have different expectations at times of what we want a relationship to be. He is all about space, independence and dealing with a problem and moving on. Me, I like to have lots of contact, need him to "be there" to help me deal with issues and like to talk about things (a lot) and really delve into the heart of the matter.

 

Forget all the rest. The above quote says it all. You're not compatible. Marry and I give you three years at the most.

 

I'm not kidding. You'll end up divorced. This is a very important difference between you. Take heed.

[Ocean-Blue]

Forget all the rest. The above quote says it all. You're not compatible. Marry and I give you three years at the most.

 

I'm not kidding. You'll end up divorced. This is a very important difference between you. Take heed.

 

The thing is, neither of us is rooted in the way we are. I've learned a great deal about myself (i.e. that I need to stop being so dramatic) and he's learned that he can't be so complacent (he's even admitted to this).

 

When we began things were much better. I see glimpses of hope here and there.

 

If I truly thought this wasn't it, I'd walk away. I walked away from someone before b/c I just knew it would not work out...

 

I guess I'll know for sure in a few months time.