Is it that scary to date me? lol

[MsJJ]

If she was smart she would know that you can meet smart people on construction site and you can meet educated idiots on Harvard.

 

You probably gives this "Im-so-smart" vibe. Exactly the same annoying vibe I try to hold back hopefuly, because people dont like it. It stinks you know and it can be smelled.

 

 

I agree, smart ppl, stupid ppl, weird ppl, can be found anywhere really.

Well maybe I do give off that vibe. I don't know for a fact. I don't mean to at all though if I happen to be doing that. I think my family and friends would have pointed that out to me. (They are so eager for me to get married..lol)

Every date I go on, afterwards, they want the full detail, and usually they give me feed back. I thought I would try this site to get a new point of view on it as well. Bc w the family and friends, its almost like they are too eager and too nosy that it makes me a bit withdrawn.

[Kamille]

I don't want to take sides in the is it her attitude or the men she is dating debate right now. Not until I have more info:

 

Ok, so you said you met some of your dates at social gatherings, which suggests that they are therefore part of your social network. You've also mentionned that you've managed to set yourself off so that you can now volunteer your time (congratulations). My questions is: what are the professions of the guys you date? What kind of education do they have? Are they themselves world travellers?

 

And who does the initial approaching-demonstration of interests and who sets up the date? Do they ask you out or do you sometimes make it happen?

 

Basically: who are these men you are going out with?

[serial muse]

I think KMT made this exact point earlier, but it's going to be hard for us to guess why people have that impression of you without knowing more about you - such as, when does someone use that word? What's the context (not just, on a date or phone call, but actually in what particular situation?) So far, what I've read in this thread are mostly people projecting their own issues onto you to see if they stick. They could be right, but I wouldn't bet on it.

 

It seems to me that the best way to go about investigating this is to ask your family and friends why they use that word to describe you. Have you done that? They're the ones who started this spiral of self-doubt, so you should really get them to explain themselves about it.

 

The thing about people calling other people "intimidating," IMO, is that it usually says more about the insecurities of the person who says it. Not always, but usually.

 

I could imagine, for example, that if your family is so concerned about you getting married, and they hear that story about mentioning physics to a guy who responds the way he did, that might prompt them to turn it around on you as though you were in the wrong. But that tells you nothing about yourself, if you see what I mean.

 

We need more info...

[MsJJ]

Serial Muse-thank you for that input. I see what you mean. My family is eager for me to get married, well, basically bc they believe that its almost a sin for a 30 year old woman to be single lol. I guess I should have gotten married by now according to them. Many of my friends are very eager to find a companion, which I don't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps, they are annoyed with the fact that i am not THAT eager to find someone, it would be nice, but I am not in a hurry. The time will come.

I was curious to see what other ppl would think and if I really do come off as scary or intimidating, or even like a "know it all". Sometimes we need more of a third party or objecting critique in order to really see what's going on.

And some of the things that ppl I know have said, has been contradicting. To the point where I am like whats going on? Where am I? who am I? jk lol.

 

My brother in law sd that I am too dominant. I asked him how so, and his reply was bc I don't put up with any bs. That I stick up for myself too much...lol. Yes he did say that. It's hard for me to respect his opinion bc he has several kids, in different states, owes a lot of back child support, and is on marriage number 5 with my sister. Has cheated on her many times and she just puts up with it.

 

I think in order for me to get even more of an insight, I will do what was suggested by Lyssa. After I go on a date I will come back and post how it went.

[serial muse]

Serial Muse-thank you for that input. I see what you mean. My family is eager for me to get married, well, basically bc they believe that its almost a sin for a 30 year old woman to be single lol. I guess I should have gotten married by now according to them. Many of my friends are very eager to find a companion, which I don't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps, they are annoyed with the fact that i am not THAT eager to find someone, it would be nice, but I am not in a hurry. The time will come.

I was curious to see what other ppl would think and if I really do come off as scary or intimidating, or even like a "know it all". Sometimes we need more of a third party or objecting critique in order to really see what's going on.

And some of the things that ppl I know have said, has been contradicting. To the point where I am like whats going on? Where am I? who am I? jk lol.

 

My brother in law sd that I am too dominant. I asked him how so, and his reply was bc I don't put up with any bs. That I stick up for myself too much...lol. Yes he did say that. It's hard for me to respect his opinion bc he has several kids, in different states, owes a lot of back child support, and is on marriage number 5 with my sister. Has cheated on her many times and she just puts up with it.

 

I think in order for me to get even more of an insight, I will do what was suggested by Lyssa. After I go on a date I will come back and post how it went.

 

Wow, that's kind of a tough environment, as far as maintaining your individuality. So now I'm wondering whether, if you're back living around your family again after your travels, that also means that you're just meeting a lot of guys like your brother-in-law, who have very specific expectations of how a woman should be? Because then the answer would be clearly that you need to try moving in some different circles!

 

But yeah, I think it'll be interesting to hear what happens after a date - good luck!!

Edited March 21, 2008 by serial muse

[MsJJ]

Thank you!

My family doesn't live close to me but we visit each other often. We also talk a lot on the phone. Almost every convo is about if I have found someone yet or not. It's annoying, bc if I say no, then they will ask me if I ever regret leaving my ex fiance or they will suggest how I can go out and meet men lol. If I say yes, then of course, they want ALL the details. And more often times I feel damned if I do damned if I don't. It can be over something small like, he asks me if I am Christian. My reply is no I am not (bc I'm not). Then the "critique" is you don't tell him that! You don't talk about religion on a date..blah blah.

So yeah, I want opinions and input from other ppl.

[MsJJ]

 

Ok, so you said you met some of your dates at social gatherings, which suggests that they are therefore part of your social network. You've also mentionned that you've managed to set yourself off so that you can now volunteer your time (congratulations). My questions is: what are the professions of the guys you date? What kind of education do they have? Are they themselves world travellers?

 

And who does the initial approaching-demonstration of interests and who sets up the date? Do they ask you out or do you sometimes make it happen?

 

Basically: who are these men you are going out with?

 

The men ask me out. I, sometimes, initiate conversation bc I am a social bug and I will talk to everyone. I haven't asked any of these men out, they have asked me for my number at the end of the night kind of thing. I guess you could say they are a part of my social group or network.

Some have traveled and some have not.

The professions have been, physical therapist, butcher, HS football coach, commercial real estate, welder, dog trainer, freelance writer, and a couple of computer ones. I am sorry, I don't really remember. I think was one was a software engineer. So really it's a variety. Their ages vary also from 27-36. 27 was the youngest and the oldest was 36. Some been divorced, some never have married.

In these past 3 months I have not asked a single guy out. The last time I asked a guy out was..hmmm...5 years ago lol.

[NuTuDating]

The men ask me out. I, sometimes, initiate conversation bc I am a social bug and I will talk to everyone. I haven't asked any of these men out, they have asked me for my number at the end of the night kind of thing. I guess you could say they are a part of my social group or network.

Some have traveled and some have not.

The professions have been, physical therapist, butcher, HS football coach, commercial real estate, welder, dog trainer, freelance writer, and a couple of computer ones. I am sorry, I don't really remember. I think was one was a software engineer. So really it's a variety. Their ages vary also from 27-36. 27 was the youngest and the oldest was 36. Some been divorced, some never have married.

In these past 3 months I have not asked a single guy out. The last time I asked a guy out was..hmmm...5 years ago lol.

 

So what kinds of conversations have you had on the dates? It seems like you're a little conceited about not having to ask a guy out, so maybe you take the dates for granted or don't show any interest? When someone acts indifferent on a date, it might be taken as haughty or something else that turns the guys off. Just my two cents. All the guys can't be wrong. Try showing a softer side and not the competitive businesswoman you are.

[Replicant]

I am not sure what it is that I do. I have heard that the fact that I am independent is scary to men, and the fact that I am smart. (not trying to be arrogant). But I get the same feed back every time that I am intimidating. Well, that is if the guy bothers to call me back and let me know lol.

 

I went on one date with a man, and he flat out told me later on that he was scared of me

Oh, and about the comment you made if none are calling me back. I never stated that none call me back. I am only speaking of those who called me back and gave me feedback. I would say about 80% of the time I get told I am intimidating.

 

Yes I did retire from my job. I am in a position now where I don't have to work. I can't complain . I am available for my son, where as before I couldn't be since I was working 60 plus hours a week. I volunteer my time when my son is at school. I really can't complain, I am happy to "have it all". It's my version of it anyway

 

You speak swedish??? So Do I! Talar du Svenska??? Woow yaaay!

I am half Swedish and Japanese. I speak Swedish, Japanese, and English. I have been learning Spanish and Hindi on and off.

I went for a career that was for both. I was a marketing manager for a car company, (not a car lot or car sales but the actual corporate) and then I did forex part time from home. If you are good with math, I recommend this. The forex I mean. I love numbers and I love foreign exchange and watching the market.

 

I guess self analyzing, thinking back to my last few dates and what I said or how I acted that might have come off wrong. And not to say I am a saint or a perfect person, but I really can't think of anything.

 

 

I quoted quite a bit of what you said, there is really that much. If i could string caution tape across i would.

 

There is nothing wrong with people being smart and being ambitious, but i think you take it to the point of coming across as arrogant. Where as with most people a small amount of communication one can discern this about them. Where as a date with you would likely be more compared to an high profile job interview, and you are verbalizing your resume. Where these guys have initial interest there at first, thus asking you out for a date (okay so far so good) but then you derail yourself by coming on so strong leaving nothing to the imagination or conversation saved for much further into a relationship. The intimidation comes from what you are projecting yourself as, and it's having the opposite effect by building yourself up so big that your interests or knowledge overshadow and hide your personal flaws which may be part of the intended purpose. But it's having the opposite effect. It's like you probably try to construct a DNA double helix out of your pasta, make light refract with your wine glass and then show how sound waves are created by the vibration of your dinner fork. All while said in Swedish.

While the amusement factor from such may be found years into the relationship with someone whom knows you very, very well and your likes... but you sabotage yourself by taking away the fun of dating and replacing it with your marketing strategy. You probably leave many guys speechless not because of what you know, but because instead of sounding like a woman they desire to get to know you're coming off as their 11th grade physics teacher. Then you take them home to be mauled by your dogs!

Of course you think, what's not to love!? But what you are seeing does not speak for the majority it also does not lie based on what you are seeing. The guys whom are calling you to tell you this are being kind to the point to 'give' you that answer to clue you into something that needs altering.

 

Also things like not working may come off as lack of ambition, or being supported by the system or alternate means. If this comes up during the date it may indicate low ambition or you having no direction. It would be one thing to take on a woman with a child but even if you were sitting on lottery winnings or a gold mine i think defining your own ambitions speak volumes. As to not think you are just trying to bag him to help with the groceries and kibble costs!

 

I think it is you whom is scared from your past scars, and you're creating this type of front as protection and to try weed out the good from the bad. In the end you are seeing this law of magnetism wont be 'inducing' any love into your life anytime soon.

[Star Gazer]

Where as a date with you would likely be more compared to an high profile job interview, and you are verbalizing your resume.

 

That's it! That's totally it!!!

[MsJJ]

So what kinds of conversations have you had on the dates? It seems like you're a little conceited about not having to ask a guy out, so maybe you take the dates for granted or don't show any interest? When someone acts indifferent on a date, it might be taken as haughty or something else that turns the guys off. Just my two cents. All the guys can't be wrong. Try showing a softer side and not the competitive businesswoman you are.

 

Hello, no no I am not conceited about that, just explaining that I haven't asked them. Some ppl have asked me a couple of times on here now if I ask the men out first or not. And to be super honest, I am actually really shy when it comes to asking a man out. If I like a man, I wait until he asks me. (This drives my friends crazy).

My comment about how it's been 5 years, well its the truth. I spent 2 years single and traveling, prior to that I was in a serious relationship for about 2 and a half years. So...it really was 5 years since I have asked a guy out.

 

You know..I did wonder if I act too indifferent. I think I mentioned that in an earlier reply. That could very well be the problem. I guess, I am not like jumping up and down when I have a date. Some ppl get very excited and start with the whole...omg could this be the one??

I don't really do that, I would say I am way more relaxed and it's like, hey cool gotta date...we'll see how it goes

So maybe that comes off as too cold or indifferent.

The convo's have been the basic "getting to know you" stuff. Very casual.

I am asked quite often when my last relationship was. My hobbies and interest, do I like to watch sports, do I miss my last job, and so on.

[MsJJ]

Replicant-thank you so much for that. That was good constructive critisism.

I really thought the part about my dogs mauling was funny.(They wouldn't do that but still funny in theory) I haven't taken anyone home yet though...not yet lol.

Ok, so according to some, I am too forward and aggressive? And to others I am not. Have gotten feed back from several diff points of views and it's been very nice. Very insightful. I will soak it all in...hehe

[carhill]

Late back to this, but a quick read tells me that you just need to continue to be true to yourself. Trust me, with the right man there will be no formula. It will be as if it has always been. Your job, when you recognize this, is to not scrutinize, but rather to go with that flow. This is where making your logical intelligence subservient to your emotional intelligence is critical, IMO.

 

DanielMadr made a good point about the sometimes juxtaposition of intelligence and socio-economic status and/or profession. All is not always as it seems, as many of the women who dated me in the past found out. Most importantly, having someone in your life with a good heart is paramount, intelligence and looks aside. It is only through many years that I've come to understand this.

 

Best wishes to you!

[MsJJ]

Thank you Carhill. That was super encouraging and nicely put.

 

It's really been great getting all the pov and input from various ppl. Hearing it from someone else aside from my family here, makes it a lot easier to believe sort of say. Thank to all who posted here

[Yamaha]

The only guys that would be intimidated by an intelligent women would be ones that are only interested in sex. If a guy wants to know the real you he will appreciate your brain. There has to be something else that is stopping these guys from wanting more dates. Maybe they feel you don't really need a man. Maybe he feels you aren't ready for a relationship. Maybe you just aren't letting him see that you are interested. There are thousands of possibilities but if you want a relationship you both have to give and work at keeping it viable.

[DanielMadr]

I quoted quite a bit of what you said, there is really that much. If i could string caution tape across i would.

 

There is nothing wrong with people being smart and being ambitious, but i think you take it to the point of coming across as arrogant. Where as with most people a small amount of communication one can discern this about them. Where as a date with you would likely be more compared to an high profile job interview, and you are verbalizing your resume. Where these guys have initial interest there at first, thus asking you out for a date (okay so far so good) but then you derail yourself by coming on so strong leaving nothing to the imagination or conversation saved for much further into a relationship. The intimidation comes from what you are projecting yourself as, and it's having the opposite effect by building yourself up so big that your interests or knowledge overshadow and hide your personal flaws which may be part of the intended purpose. But it's having the opposite effect. It's like you probably try to construct a DNA double helix out of your pasta, make light refract with your wine glass and then show how sound waves are created by the vibration of your dinner fork. All while said in Swedish.

While the amusement factor from such may be found years into the relationship with someone whom knows you very, very well and your likes... but you sabotage yourself by taking away the fun of dating and replacing it with your marketing strategy. You probably leave many guys speechless not because of what you know, but because instead of sounding like a woman they desire to get to know you're coming off as their 11th grade physics teacher. Then you take them home to be mauled by your dogs!

Of course you think, what's not to love!? But what you are seeing does not speak for the majority it also does not lie based on what you are seeing. The guys whom are calling you to tell you this are being kind to the point to 'give' you that answer to clue you into something that needs altering.

 

Also things like not working may come off as lack of ambition, or being supported by the system or alternate means. If this comes up during the date it may indicate low ambition or you having no direction. It would be one thing to take on a woman with a child but even if you were sitting on lottery winnings or a gold mine i think defining your own ambitions speak volumes. As to not think you are just trying to bag him to help with the groceries and kibble costs!

 

I think it is you whom is scared from your past scars, and you're creating this type of front as protection and to try weed out the good from the bad. In the end you are seeing this law of magnetism wont be 'inducing' any love into your life anytime soon.

 

Yes, people fall in love with persons not with diplomas, carreers and hobbies or IQ. Try to be a Woman for a moment.

 

To better understand where you make the mistake try to imagine that what you said or behaved like on a date was your partner....what would you think of him? Would you fall in love or detached?

 

My experience...When girls talk about how boys are scared of them for their independence, career, IQ or whatever.....9 times of 10 the problem is them not the boys. They are not in touch with who they are, they hide themselves behind social role which they think is suitable for them (or their parents like). Give your attitude deep thinking.

[thehappycynic]

I have some this weekend. Now I am wondering if I should start a new thread, bc, I think I got it here. LOL.

Most of the men I have gone on dates with these past 3 months, are ppl from dinner parties, social gatherings from either friends or acquaintances. The men who have asked me out already know the basics about me, bc questions like are you married? Do you have any kids? What do you do? and so on have been answered before they ask me for my number.

I am now wondering if I unintentionally act nonchalant about the date, or them even. I really don't mean to lol. oh gees. I guess I talk to everyone like they are my friend.

There are 3 dates that I will boldly say I did nothing wrong. The first one was the commercial real estate guy, who wanted me to drink more, and at the end of the date insisted I went to his place for a "back massage". I politely said no.

The second was the one who said his ideal woman is dumber than a bat.

The third was a manager...(can't remember for what company) he asked me what my hobbies were and I said a few things that I liked and he asked if there were any more hobbies. I said yes, I like to study physics and solve problems, its like a puzzle and I love it. His reply to that was "oh you are into all that crap?".

I don't think physics is crap...*pout* lol. And I said to him well its one of my hobbies. Then he seemed angry and asked me why i had not gone to a geek convention and found a nerd to date there.

I thought that was mean and rude...

When these guys called me back, I simply declined their request for a second date.

Anyway, I will pay attention to what I do on my next dates and such, and I will post again!

 

You are just dating the wrong guys. Men are intimidated by women who don't appear to need them. If the women are smart, or supporting themselves, or confident and self-assured, or not interested in sex with them, it demasculates them, and they feel put off, or intimidated, if you will. Men--no matter what they say--desperately need to be needed, and if they sense you will never need them for anything, they lose interest. And, they can probably sense that you feel like they aren't the right match for you. Pretty much what Yamaha said. But you don't want to date those kinds of guys anyway.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[lovestruck818]

Hello, I am new here. I just wanted some input from ppl. I have heard time and time again that I am really intimidating. I am not sure what it is that I do. I have heard that the fact that I am independent is scary to men, and the fact that I am smart. (not trying to be arrogant). I am very outgoing and very much a ppl person, and I am very honest too. And I have heard thats intimidating too. I am not sure why. I am well off, so I am not some gold digger. Yes, I am a single mom, and I worked hard to make sure my son would have a good home and future, so I am not looking for someone to buy me groceries lol. I am looking for companionship with a nice man. But I get the same feed back every time that I am intimidating. Well, that is if the guy bothers to call me back and let me know lol. I welcome third person perspective on this.

I am not arrogant, just sure of myself. Sometimes, I feel like if a woman is suffering from low self esteem thats a stumbling factor, but then when a woman is happy with herself then it can be mistaken for arrogance and that becomes another stumbling factor. I just don't get it.

 

I get that too. I am 26 and started making a lot of money at a very young age. I own my own house and men are often intimidated by that. I work extremely hard to be where I am- nothing has been handed to me. I am very confident in my self...not conceited, but confident. I intimdate men and I am not sure why.