L/C with Ex

[sharon1970]

Hi, I just had a short email exchange with my ex this weekend. I would really love to hear some advise about this...I have posted the background story on here if anyone is interested. To give a brief synopsis, my ex and i were together for 2 years during which time we broke up many times and always got back together. I believe he loved me but he is a commitment phobe and this manifested into many arguements between us. We finally broke up seriously in novemeber after fighting about marriage.

 

Since that time we had many emails exchanged and then went into no contact in January after i had asked him for another chance and he admantly said its not that he doesn't want to but that he won't. He had a failed 10 year relationship before me (married one year to this person whom he walked out on but still stayed in contact). He does not want to have another divorce and as per the amount of break ups he feels it is doomed. My feelings on this is that it is him who creates most of the conflict due to his fear of intimacy and that he will be in the same situation again, unless he changes. I still love him and wish i was the one he would have wanted to change for..

 

Ok, i know that he has been trying desperately to meet someone and has been rejected countless times by women which has only shattered his ego to the point that he is reading up on how to pick up woman.

 

During these rejections he contacted me with a very short email saying hi. I replied back in kind without any questions or revealing myself...purely cordial. Then a month and half later i initiate an email saying i am thinking about you and hope your well. he emails back that he is depressed, hopes i'm well, that he doesn't want to go anywhere because of this weather but goes out all the same, that he thinks about me and hopes i''m well. I thought his email was very weak, even though he said he thinks about me.

My reply was that he sounds sad and hope its nothing much and that i'm doing very well and that this time apart has been good for me. He never replied.

 

Based on: 1. him provoking the break up 2. not wanting to work on it 3. trying desperately to meet someone 4. not contacting me during all this time 5. the little contact we had was very weak on his part

 

I can not be honest with him and reveal how sad and lonely i have been without him, nor do i want to put myself in the position of discussing the relationship and insights i have for fear of further humiliation or rejection. I don't want him to know i am still pining over him.

 

I am wondering if he really even loved me like he said he did. Does wanting to go out and meet someone attest to how hurt he is? does anyone think he may contact me again and if so should i open up to him.

 

I'm not sure if playing the strong is the best choice of action? Do you guys have any advice on this? Thank so much for reading and sorry its so long.

 

Sharon

[LuCidiTy]

I don't know. I've struggled with the same dilema myself here lately. Where's that magical balance between being an emotional basketcase and playing strong and being strong?

 

Is playing strong playing games? I guess it's a good thing if playing strong actually makes you strong, but not if it's a tactic to maybe get him back because that could backfire...

[bejshermanoaks]

heres what I know--unless one of you guys is vulnerable and honest, this could stay static like this. So, if you are prepared to be vulnerable, tell him how you feel. The worst thing that happens is you guys are still broken up. If you are gonna be vulnerable, dont hold back---be clear and honest..Remember, if you both hold back nothing will change..his email to you sounded no more or less emotional to me than your email to him--you're both holding back..

 

if he rejects you, we're here for you..

 

good luck and much love to you