HTTP Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) so i recently re-initiated contact with my ex-fiancee after about 6 months of not talking because i thought that enough time had gone by and that i was finally read to be 'neutral.' i guess i also re-initiated the contact to sort of prove something to myself because i was going through this other drama with another guy who ended up being disappointment. however, after talking with the ex again, exactly one day after i added him, i had to find out through FACEBOOK of all things that he's now seeing someone else... he didn't change his status until after i added him:(... so began a series of really really sad emails where we actually clarified important things up... about why it didn't work out, the mistakes we made, how we both have learned a lot since then, etc...... and i was actually extremely upset about the fact that he was seeing someone new, and there were moments when i would just randomly remember a special memory we have and then become emotional, and so many little things would remind me of him.....it was just really really tiring and sad.... i guess this opened up a whole other can of worms, and i started to become confused as to whether i wanted to get back together with him because i still loved him... or whether i just wanted him back just to prove that i can 'take him away' from this new girl..... after a few days, i decided that i couldn't really meet him face to face and discuss this because i was still confused and it wouldn't be fair to stir things up and mess everyone up when i didn't really know what i wanted... so i decided to just cut contact with him... delete him from facebook AGAIN (lol) and i sent a sort of 'goodbye email'. he actually responded, and i responded to clarify some things up (ya, i know... broke my own NC rule yet again...)... when my friend told me about this site, i thought it would be good just to post the emails up in an anonymous manner and get everyone's feedback... because as we all know too well, this heartbreak/confusion business is unfortunately universal .... so let me know what you guys think of the situation and your opinions/interpretations on how he feels/what he's trying to say.... thanks! * i'm going to post my 'goodbye' email, followed by his response, and my response to that: Hi, okay... so i'm guessing you may not know how to respond to my last email. but i've thought a lot about things since then.... i meant everything i said in that email, but i realized afterward that what i'm conveying to you... the'what ifs', the possibility of being together again... well, i realized that what i was saying might be for the wrong reasons. because i really can't say with certainty what i really want. i'm just confused. i thought i was ready to be neutral with you.... but i really wasn't. seeing that you were dating someone else honestly did make me jealous and hurt.... and it made me realize that i wasn't at that neutral step yet. honestly, i did have thoughts of talking to you face to face, of saying maybe we can make it work again now that we've spent some time apart which has allowed for both of us to grow and learn more and maybe we will be better together now and it will actually work. but i had to be honest with myself and my intentions... like maybe there was a part of me that just wanted to 'test' out your feelings, to see if i can take you away from someone else.... and i realized that those intentions would be selfish and cruel. and i didn't want to be selfish when it came to this cuz there's too much at stake and too many people would be hurt in the process. so i guess what i'm trying to say is.... i'm ready to try to forget you for now... maybe in the future i'll want to remember again and look back with good thoughts and gladness that it happened...but right now, i think i'm just finally ready to forget you, to start clean, clean slate...to stop clinging to the past... i think it's best for both of us to severe all contact so we can both move on with our lives and see what's out there. before our recent communications, i was still holding on to an unrelenting anger towards you, still caught up in the thought and belief that i hated you. i'm glad we got talking again briefly... because it made me realize that at least i didn't hate you anymore, so i can let go of that much. a lot was clarified, and it made me realize that there WAS love involved even if it's fleeting... so i guess i can finally say goodbye now... not with bitterness, and i'm not going to say forever cuz you never know what will happen... like you said,i still believe in fate and if we are truly meant to be together, we will be together... if not, then we won't and it will be just in the past. but for the present... goodbye. and good luck. ........................................................................................................ Sorry it took so long to email you back…however; it has not been easy in the past few days for me…so, how did you know that I didn’t know how to respond to your previous email? You’re actually pretty good J The truth is, I didn’t know how to respond to your true feelings. I don’t know what you were trying to do but you sure give me headache thinking about everything. I was very confused as to the way you have acted recently about me not being single anymore. By the way, people thought your facebook messages were a bit childish and immature…lol…but I have nothing to hide so I obviously didn’t care...I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I sent emails to you and got no responses. Now I see why you didn’t return my email messages…lol… As it turns out that you were with someone for a short period of time I assume? I don’t know what to say to that actually…so after you broke up with me, you tried to find someone to replace me? That just tells me you wanted to move on as quickly as you can without even consider to giving us a second chance. How do you expect me to feel about that? You must have thought I had it easy being away from you right? You know how many people I had to turn down to stay single for as long as I could? Hoping that you would come around and at least respond to my freaken emails… Now I finally decided to date someone and you come back and do this to me? How fair is that? You tried to replace me while we were separated?...lol…so what happens if that relationship went really well? What happens if the guy you dated love you better than I could?…what happens then? You would probably moved on like nothing ever happened…like I never even existed…I hated the fact that you tried to find someone else before you even consider the thought of giving us a second chance…I always thought of us and all the good and bad times that we had together…you were always in the back of my mind…even now I still do…like I told you, there are always bends and bumps in every path of any relationship…however, we didn’t make it over the test bend this time…I don’t blame you though, the fault was mine to begin with…I just wished you had spoken a little sooner… We do have a history together and I will never forget that…I know we didn’t ended on good terms but at least you’re being positive about it now…Fate always have a funny ways for people who were meant to be together…we may be apart now but the future is uncertain…right? Who knows, there might be someone out there who maybe way better than me...lol….I just want us to be friends at least…keep in touch just to say hi once in a while…Do you think that’s something you want to try at all? Take care ........................................................................................................ okee, so much for cutting off contact. but i feel like i need to clear up some things... first... i still dont see whats wrong with my facebook msgs, except for the first one. the ones after that were fine, i was just teasing you about your grammar and stuff. whats wrong with that? i think ur 'ppl' are just overly defensive and ana l:P what business is it of theirs anyway? anyways... the reason i didnt respond to ur early msgs was not cuz i was dating someone. in fact, the thing with this other guy just happened over valentines time (ya, how ironic) and it wasnt even dating. it was just a brief connection or whatever you call it. and i TOLD you to stop inserting 'lol' at inappropriate times, not everything call for jokes. like ur all serious and stuff and then suddenly LOL.... its weird. anyways, what was that with how many ppl you had to turn down? what, are you conceited now? lol. how many were there anyway? were they all 'ugly toads'? YOUR words, not mine i've been listening to this song repeatedly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oreQVpQrI8M look at the vid. read the lyrics. think about them. actually this song has really helped me come to terms with things. its expressed truly what i feel ... and im hoping that feeling wil fade with time. i think its already working its magic, which is good, cuz i don't want to feel sad anymore. feeling sad is not fun at all. these songs are also good for this situation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2eZt4LaqEA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM if u cant look at these at work, send it to yourself and look at them at home. maybe they will help you too. they're doing a good job of helping me. but anyways, i cant think too clearly anymore at this hour. i guess i'm neutral enough to talk to you now. but ya, no facebook since ur friends are freakin anal as hell over anything i say and will automatically label me as the 'dreaded ex'. no thanks. don't want to be a character in a korean drama that loses. i'm too beautiful to play that anyway... i should be the sweet main girl who finds true love. lol. but whatev. ttyl Edited March 19, 2008 by HTTP
tonyeltiger Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Man, that is dramatic. I wish that my Ex would send me one of those....the first one that is. maybe she will, but I would have the same feelings as ur ex. You left and dated another guy. That is extremely hurtful, and if he doesn't come back, he is totally entitled to not. I liked ur first message, and his seemed to be very honest. I am sure that I would feel similar to him. Your last message came across to me as very cold, and insulting to him and his friends. If I were him, I would push you out of my mind in response to that. Sorry that it is a little blunt, but I have to side with him, simply because I feel that him and I are in a similar situation. However, that being said I would love for my ex to write me. BTW, what made you want to contact him? You said that you wanted to just be neutral and be friends, but it seems that you expected to get back together or take steps to do so. I am only curious because it does kind of seem that you would be contacting him because your rebound went badly. How was that relationship? How long did it last? sorry to ask so many questions, but I am very interested. Good luck to you, I didn't really give much advice I realize.....just my perspective on things
atc2410 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 There appears to be anger/resentments from both sides. There is obviously still a lot of attraction there from you both for each other but it's held up by you both being hurt for the reasons you both mention. Not a lot to offer in terms of advice other than it's probably for the best you leave it alone until there is sufficient distance between the present and your past relationship so that you're not emotionally compromised by the break up and events immediate preceding it. For me your exchange reiterates the frailties of we humans and our relationships and will probably serve as further validation to those who abide by strict NC.
Author HTTP Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Man, that is dramatic. I wish that my Ex would send me one of those....the first one that is. maybe she will, but I would have the same feelings as ur ex. You left and dated another guy. That is extremely hurtful, and if he doesn't come back, he is totally entitled to not. I liked ur first message, and his seemed to be very honest. I am sure that I would feel similar to him. Your last message came across to me as very cold, and insulting to him and his friends. If I were him, I would push you out of my mind in response to that. Sorry that it is a little blunt, but I have to side with him, simply because I feel that him and I are in a similar situation. However, that being said I would love for my ex to write me. BTW, what made you want to contact him? You said that you wanted to just be neutral and be friends, but it seems that you expected to get back together or take steps to do so. I am only curious because it does kind of seem that you would be contacting him because your rebound went badly. How was that relationship? How long did it last? sorry to ask so many questions, but I am very interested. Good luck to you, I didn't really give much advice I realize.....just my perspective on things hey... thanks for the honest but considerate response... i appreciate that you take the time to give me your opinion without insulting me, as some other guys have done in less mature forums.... like honestly, i guess maybe those guys were still bitter/jaded or whatever... but the rudeness just kind of reinforced my negative feelings towards guys.... aka the theory that guys are jerks and only set out to hurt you... i know, it's debatable and guys will say that about girls too...lol but yeah, i actually clarified for him in my response email that no, the reason i did not respond to his earlier emails was NOT cuz i was dating someone else... i didn't even date the other guy i mention, we were just testing the waters around Valentine's time (the earlier emails that my ex mention dates back to dec. and jan... before i even met the other guy)... so the story with the other guy was... we met at a club, i wasn't that interested him at first but then he seeked me out on facebook, we connected, talked A LOT... and at the time, i felt like we had a crazy connection... we would talk on msn for hours and hours at a time (craziest session was 1-7am i believe).... we were so honest and open with each other and it just felt 'right'....the guy was just so ROMANTIC and said all the right things, one of them being the all time classic 'even though it's crazy, i think i'm really starting to fall for you'.....and i guess i'm the sucker who fell for it...., then all was going well, and for ONCE in 5 months, i wasn't thinking about my ex... cuz he had sort of been at the back of my mind for so long.... even tho we broke up because he made a MAJOR decision without consulting me, we had grown more distant, etc... and the breakup had ended on bad terms cuz i was extremely angry with him.... but anyways, for the first time in a long time, i thought i was happy... until this new guy and i sort of got in an argument and didn't talk for a week... during which time he got back with HIS ex because she apparently came to town (he stays here for university, his hometown is somewhere else) to 'surprise' and begged/pleaded for him to take her back... so ya, apparently they 'worked things out' and he didn't bother to tell me.. i had to find out through a mutual friend... so needless to say, i was not happy...even though i really shouldn't have been that surprised cuz he and his ex had only broken up the month before.... so a lot of emotions are still there and such..... so i guess in a misguided attempt to convey that i could be 'neutral' i re-added both of the guys to my contact lists.... so then i began talking to my ex again... and as soon as he's back on my facebook, he CHANGES HIS STATUS. i admit i had done some facebook stalking before (lol) and his status was still the same... but he had to change it right after i added him just to make sure i know about it... which i think is kinda mean, but i didn't say that to him... i just emailed to ask about it...so then we begain talking about the past and clarified a lot of things up.. and i was able to let go of a lot of anger and just realize that i was hurt and began to REALLY heal.... but i guess i was really confused at this period so it might not have been the best of times to be straight out honest... like i honestly did not know what my true feelings were, whether i wanted him back cuz i still loved him... or whether i just wanted him back to prove i could 'take him away'... that second thought i realized was really selfish and cruel... so i decided to send the goodbye letter just so i could forget him for real and try to move on... which resulted in him misunderstanding that i did not respond to him earlier in time not cuz i was hurt but cuz i already found and dated someone else.... to this, i kinda broke the 'no contact' thing to clarify things up... okay, this is gonna go on forever... but it feels good to just let it all out in a random forum... BUT there's more... so the new guy..... i ended up seeing him coincidentally at a basketball game and just pointedly ignored him... to the point where when he attempted to talk to my friends and me, i just turned my back on him and started talking to someone else... and my friend basically just told him to go away (in a subtle way).... so the day after the game... he randomly msgs me again after 2 weeks of zero contact.... i mean, i don't understand guys at all... why do you do this?? if you're just going to avoid the situation, why initiate contact again???? but anyways, so we kind of talked it over, came to an understanding of sorts ( i guess cuz we both thought of getting back with exes?? i don't know...) ... and he just said that he and the girl were just trying to pick up the pieces, taking it slow, etc. etc. and that it definitely wasn't the same as it was before... and i guess at this point, i could understand where he was coming from in a way cuz even tho we had a connection, it was not at the serious dating stage yet and it would be logical to choose someone you had such a history with (they didnt really end on bad terms... ) over someone you just met...and truth be told, most of our 'connection' was on msn so i guess that sort distances you from it in a way..... and i could understand that he didn't tell me cuz we weren't speaking to each other at the time...(even though i still thought he was being a jerk for not even bothering to let me know)... maybe i was just too consumed with the other drama to really care this much about the guy at this point... BUT i actually wrote my second email while talking to this guy (at like 4:30am in the morning i might add)... so maybe that's why it comes across as 'cold'.... through all this though, i've noticed a common factor with these two guys... they REALLY try to downplay their 'relationships' to me. case in point: my ex repeatedly mentioned that he and the new girl were still REALLY REALLY early dating wise and that 'the future is uncertain'. the second guy... he keeps saying "even if i'm back with her, i'm still me'... also keeps emphasizing that they are taking it extremely slow and again... that 'the future is uncertain'. EXACT same line. the second guy also said if he was to get to know someone else better and found that he felt more for the second girl, he would do the 'right thing' and break up with his ex/re-gf (confusing. lol). he also emphasized that he wanted to get to know me more 'in person' (previous connection mostly msn) and become 'friends' first. sooo.. needless to say, i am thoroughly confused and have just about given up attempts at understanding. soo.. at this point... i'm just thinking... yeah, guys can't really be trusted ... their words are fleeting, and maybe they want to keep their possibilities open? like, are both of them just trying to lead me on with their 'the future is uncertain' line?? yeah.... i know my thoughts are really random and might be hard to follow.. i just write it all from stream of consciousness... but if you have anything to say about this, i'll be glad to hear... and i guess you did ask for the long story...lol... bottom line is... i need to step away from all this drama, ignore these guys ... and focus on my last month of university .. having fun with friends, enjoying life, and of course... getting the actually schoolwork done
Author HTTP Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 There appears to be anger/resentments from both sides. There is obviously still a lot of attraction there from you both for each other but it's held up by you both being hurt for the reasons you both mention. Not a lot to offer in terms of advice other than it's probably for the best you leave it alone until there is sufficient distance between the present and your past relationship so that you're not emotionally compromised by the break up and events immediate preceding it. For me your exchange reiterates the frailties of we humans and our relationships and will probably serve as further validation to those who abide by strict NC. Thanks so much for the advice a lot of people have said exactly what you said... so i guess i should listen to everyone because they are all logical and something must be right i think time and distance does do a lot to heal... but it's always easier said than done. i guess the only thing we can all do in situations like this is to just try and not let the past/memories dictate our lives.....
strife Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 the future is uncertain = i'd rather play the field
tonyeltiger Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Hey! THanks a lot for the long story, interesting read. Anyways, I don't have much time to respond, but I will give you the key points of what I would believe to be the situation. Keep in mind this is all just my take, and could be very wrong. I would say that Boy #1 that you broke up with is uncertain about the future because you hurt him in the past, cut off all contact from him, came back (if only coincidentally) only after he started dating again. I would suppose that he is unsure of what your feelings really are, and will need some time to sort that out and you have a lot of proving to do. Of course before you start proving to him, prove to yourself that you really love him and want him. He'll be there when you figure it out. Boy #2 I believe is indeed just playing the field/ keeping you on the back-burner in case things don't work out with his ex. Doesn't sound like the kind of guy I would want anything to do with (if I were a woman). I would not be hanging out with boy #2 too much. It sounds as if you owe it to yourself to enjoy school whilst figuring out your feelings for a guy that you have a much deeper history with. Figure yourself out, once you do that it should be much more clear what you want. Keep us updated! I'm interested to see how it turns out!
tonyeltiger Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 PS: if you didn't respond to his e-mails because you were dating, why did you not respond? Just trying to forget him? Kinda sounds that way to me. Not faulting you either way, just curious.
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