StockUP Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It was Nov. 27 when the woman whom I thought the world of decided we shouldn't be together anymore. We lived together, in a nice 1 bedroom apartment downtown. It was small. It was the weekend of Thanksgiving. I stayed home with my family, since I never really saw them, even though we lived in the same town. She went home to see hers. She argued with me a lot that weekend, and I really didn't know what it was all about. It was about how unhappy she had become. I was given MANY different reasons, all never jibbing with the ones before. She told me it was over on the phone before coming home to our apartment. I would have not been able to take seeing her so I packed a bag, and headed for my best friend Brian's. He had only 2-3 months before split up with his wife (ironically my best friend too). I just remember her calling me later that night crying. I said you are the one who want's this. I was in shock and more pissed off than anything. That was then. I had been depressed for the months after. I could barely do work, lost 10 pounds, never felt ok with myself, or things around me. I was a sheer wreck. This was the only person whom I looked at, and my heart sighed with happiness. She was the person I was going to marry. The one with whom we could rely on each other. She was mine. I look back and see how I just took things. How things happened, and who took responsibility for what. I took it all. There were tons of things she never accepted responsibiltiy for. She projected her insecurities on me, masked by her "independance" and her "unilateral" personality. The one that gave off the vibe of a super independant woman who didn't need anything or anyone. She did, she would just never tell you. She set up these situations where I would easily fail in. She knew me. I thought I kenw her. She expected me to do things, even though she said she never did. She could do things, but I couldn't sort of thing. It was only looking back that I see all of this. She was the insecure one who wouldn't come to terms with that, or other things herself. She couldn't stand that I was my own person, and i had to deal with things that were issues for her in my own ways. She had to have solutions NOW, and me I had to mull them over, and come to them on my own. We don't speak, and I sort of prefer it that way. I miss the person who I knew she was. I am happy the person she pretended to be though is gone. I miss the person who danced with me anywhere and everywhere. The one who yelled "Hiiiyyyoooo!!!" with me in bars, the one who loved taking tons of pictures with me with. The one who wore the cheek hugger underwear. The one who was mine. I miss that. But I don't miss how I was made to feel inferior, and made to take all the blame for everything, which I willingly accepted. I carried the brunt of all of our insecurities, and It killed me, and eventually killed us. Yes, I still miss her. If nothing else I think at this point I am just amazed at how I was so much to them, that now I don't even get a second thought. I have been tempted to call, or message, but I wasn't the one who truely "left" she did. She is doing her thing. She said she didn't want to talk to me, and that I had to get over things. She defriended me on myspace/facebook. I find myself saying "Fu#$ Her!" every now and then. It's her loss. but I am still lonely. I just try to get lost in partying with friends, running a lot, doing 5K's and traveling for work. It does the trick most of the time, but when I am sitting alone at night, right before passing out, or right when I wake up, on one side of the bed, I still avoid trying to hit the person, who isn't there. It has just beein engrained into me. I miss that person I loved. But I guess how things are now, they never truely loved me enough to be themself, and to care for me the way I did them. I just hope to find that person wo does. I don't know if you ever learn to get over someone, but just learn to cope with them not being there. even now, it still seems like a struggle.
tonyeltiger Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 All I will say is that I feel the same as you. You are not alone. And you are certainly justified to feel however you want to feel about anything! I thought she was the one for me, but now that she's jumped right into someone else's arms I realize how fake everything must have been. It hurts, but I figure I'll be fine once I find someone way better.
dfreeman Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I echo your last sentiment ~ I am getting better, but I think I will still be in pain until I find someone better (sadly, that shouldn't be that hard with this ex). It just won't seem fair if my ex hooks-up before I do after treating me like s#i+ most of the last year. Even so, I am going to keep my mind set on getting someone better for me and just feel sorry for the next idiot that dares to put up with that spoiled little brat.
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