angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Parity, equality, fairness. These are all words that my wife has spoken of countless times in the 17 + years we have been together. She insists upon absolute fairness when it comes to our kids, as to instil this virtue upon them, so that they may do the same with their children in the future. What one kid gets the other does too. Money, toys, junk food, and the list goes on. The same can be said of her expectations on “fairness” when it comes to personal spending money and time spent involved in recreational pursuits. Everything has to be fair. Let’s have a quick look at her expectations when it comes to leisure time. She does not get together with friends all that often, and when she does, it’s coffee during school hours or something like that. Henceforth, I should be restricted to similar constraints. The compromise that most marriage advocates speak of is, she dictates what is expected, and I agree. If I was to disagree on this issue, I had better be ready for her wrath. Even though, I do have friends and do enjoy getting together with them, and I also enjoy solo outings pursuing individual interests, I am not allowed to do more than she does. Or else. We’ve had countless arguments about this, and recently she told me that if I continued to see my friends (an all time maximum at one point was 1-2 outings per month) that she would leave me. She went as far as to forbid me from getting together with any SINGLE friends because “Married men should only associate with other married men”. Her fear is that I’m out trying to pick up women, simply because I’m with guys who aren’t attached. I have never cheated on her, and in hindsight really should have, as our sex life is as robust as you can get in a convent. Yes, it has been like this for our entire relationship, and I guess I was just completely delusional when I thought her libido would pick up when she hit her 30’s. Boy was I ever wrong. So once again, fairness is HER idea of fairness. OK, let’s talk money. I work 45-50 hours a week, doing something I do not enjoy and get no fulfillment out of, solely because IT PAYS WELL, and I have to pay our mortgage, loans, bills, ect, ect, ect. I can not pursue anything that would bring me joy, because I would take a direct financial hit, and it would negatively impact our family’s quality of life. I have been in this situation for the last 12 years. She has been working part time for about 4 years now, and works an average of 20 hours a week, 3 nights a week. She could work more, but chooses not to, because she says “I enjoy my free time and I’m not crazy about my job”. Our money is managed like this: after all the bills and expenses are paid, we split what’s left over 50/50. As it generally works out, her spending money is over 50% of what she takes home, and mine is under 15% of what I take home. You’re probably saying to yourself, “well, she must do so much around the house and she deserves it” right? Well, she gets the kids off to school in the morning, goes back to bed, and the 3 days a week that she works, she does nothing at all in the way of cleaning, cooking, ect. Yes, she does cook dinner, once a week on average. Yes she does do the majority of the kids and her own laundry, but I do all of mine, and some of hers and the kids. I look after the kids 3 nights a week, and generally take care of dinner 5-6 nights a week. I do 50% of dishes, about 30% of all other cleaning, and 90% of all home repairs, renovations, auto repairs, ect. So, is fairness and equality evident here? I’ll let you be the judge. Okay, so my wife talks about the HUGE sacrifice she made by having kids. She says she put her career and life on hold, and rightfully deserves all the things she has now. She talks of going back to school, so that she could eventually find the career that makes her happy. Guess who would have to pay for that? And, I would have to continue doing what I’m doing in order to afford it. Fairness right? It should be obvious that the only reason why we are still together is because we have kids. I was raised by a single parent, and I do not wish to put my kids through that. My advice to any young man who is thinking about marriage is: DON’T DO IT!!! At least until you are old enough to know yourself well enough, and know what you want out of life. In my opinion, our society would look at my scenario and say “Well, she’s a woman, and she deserves all the things she gets” Absolute bull**** if you ask me. We, as men, have been led down the garden path in recent decades. I’m sure that there are many, many more men out there who are in similar situations. Our culture and society have beaten it into us that WE are the servants, and WE should be worshiping our women. WE should allow them to call the shots and dictate what our lives are supposed to be. They are in control, and NOTHING that they do, say, or impose on us is flawed. Our wives’ happiness should be at the expense of our own. And we should be content with that. If we make waves and stand up for ourselves, we had better be prepared to suffer the consequences.
tanbark813 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 If you don't like the situation then start making some changes. Why are you letting her dictate what you can and can't do?
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I would much rather have a home-life that is somewhat tolerable than angry. When she is mad at me, it lasts for days and days. Anytime we try to make decisions together, if there is a disagreement, her power of veto always stands.
Phateless Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I would much rather have a home-life that is somewhat tolerable than angry. When she is mad at me, it lasts for days and days. Anytime we try to make decisions together, if there is a disagreement, her power of veto always stands. THAT is not fair. Take this nutjob to a marriage counselor, asap. Or just get out. Why torment yourself like this?
Mustang Sally Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Your marriage, as you have presented it, sounds pretty one-sided. Have you discussed your feelings about this with your wife?
blind_otter Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I second the MC suggestion. That's all I can say. I don't envy your situation and you sound profoundly unhappy.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 We have been through this discussion a number of times. She has a tendancy to become very defensive and angry at the hint of my discontentment. She's the one who has made all of the sacrifices. The last time we had this discussion, I was told that "People aren't supposed to be happy, they're supposed to just go through the motions and suck it up". "Discontentment with career and relationships is normal, and I had better try harder not to let it get to me so much". Pretty much her words.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 MC with 2 different MC's. 12 week "communication building" program recently. All lessons learned, thrown to the wind....
tanbark813 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 They say you shouldn't give in to kids' temper tantrums because it reinforces the behavior. It sounds like the same thing with your wife. She wouldn't always get her way if you manned up and stood your ground.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Did it a few weeks ago. She packed a bag and stormed out. When I called out to her and asked "what about the kids" she reponded with "Good luck with that". Although I cheered once the door closed, I realized that she was simply reacting and would be back later that day...and she was.
Phateless Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Did it a few weeks ago. She packed a bag and stormed out. When I called out to her and asked "what about the kids" she reponded with "Good luck with that". Although I cheered once the door closed, I realized that she was simply reacting and would be back later that day...and she was. You should not have let her back into the house. You should have told her that until the discussion is completed in a mature manner, you're happier without her.
daisygirl Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 We have been through this discussion a number of times. She has a tendancy to become very defensive and angry at the hint of my discontentment. She's the one who has made all of the sacrifices. The last time we had this discussion, I was told that "People aren't supposed to be happy, they're supposed to just go through the motions and suck it up". "Discontentment with career and relationships is normal, and I had better try harder not to let it get to me so much". Pretty much her words. OMG, she sounds like my husband!!!!
armywife915 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 She really said "have fun with that" about her own children? Does she care about them? I grew up with parents who were unhappy. My advice is do NOT stay together because of your kids. They know better and it will affect them. I wish my parents had gotten divorced a long time ago. It wasn't fair to me and my siblings to deal with it all.
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