This isn't working

[BigM]

I'm 25 years old now and I'm starting to give up hope about me catching a girl. I feel as though whenever I become friendly with a girl and it looks like a relationship may be budding something or other knocks it down. It's like I'm continually trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane.

 

They get fed up with me, at least I think they do, because TBH my mood shifts from day to day. One day I feel fine, great infact, and the next I'm down in the doldrums and I don't want to speak to anyone. It's probably, although I can't confirm it, bi-polar. Both of my brothers have it. I refuse to take any medication for it though.

 

I build these mental walls in my head. Whenever I'm interested in a girl I can't bear to go up to them. I completely job to nervousness. I make up excuses as to why I'm not good enough. I break dates because I know what's going to happen.

 

I feel bad when I see all my friends with relationships that have lasted for years. I ask myself if I'm capable of such a thing. Would a woman put up with me for that long? They would inevitably find out who I actually am at some point and see through any sort of front I might've put up. I mean that's possible, right? Some people simply aren't capable of relationships. Maybe I'm in that group.

 

And it's not even about looks or smarts. I think I'm above average in both categories. I'm tall and athletic and I've gotten good grades in schools.

 

I just want to break this feeling of worthlessness that I have. I masturbate and feel disgusting afterwards because I know I'm just fantasizing about something I can't even hope to have.

 

I just want to be asexual and say, "**** it", to the whole mess. I can't hope to win this. Yet whatever is inside of me, hormones or my upbringing, just won't let it go.

 

I always sort of felt this way. It's just that in the past I told myself, "Things will get better." Now I'm not so sure. I think this is it for me. There isn't going to be any more progression at this point.

 

How can I possibly hope to assuage these terrible feelings? How can I drop this once and for all?

Edited March 19, 2008 by BigM

[carhill]

I will suggest counseling, which will help define your psychology. Understanding yourself is essential to the formation of healthy relationships.

 

I hear a dichotomy between the inner you and outer you. Counseling, IMO, will help you bridge this gap.

 

Only a competent medical professional can properly diagnose manic-depressive and other disease of mood. You may be at risk if other family members have it, but you could also, both prior and now, be influenced by their behaviors to take them on as your own. Again, a competent psychologist can help you with this.

 

It took me many years of introspection to achieve a result that likely would have taken a much shorter period if I had engaged a professional to help. Don't be me

[JCD]

I wonder if you're happy because you don't think about how unhappy you are and when you're unhappy I wonder if you're thinking about how unhappy you are thus making you even more unhappy. If your mood changes without any reason then I would be worried.

[shanny]

I am diagnosed as bipolar and you sound just like me. I've been on meds for a few years and they really help. Why are you refusing? Meds and counseling can help you get your life back.