I'm not controlling!!!

[FolderWife]

Anyone who's following my threads knows that my boyfriend and I (who live together) have been fighting for about a month.

 

The other day, we both laid all of our cards on the table, and made up. We've been getting along great for the past few days.

 

HOWEVER, my boyfriend tells me every time we argue that I try to CONTROL him. I don't want him staying out at the bars until 4 a.m. come home at a respectable hour like 2 a.m. 4 is just past my comfort zone. He fights me tooth and nail, and calls me controlling for asking him to come home an hour before the bar closes.

 

His best friend was over at our house from Friday evening until Sunday night every weekend. I asked him to not have him over one or two weekends a month, so that he and I could have some alone time. He said that I wanted to control him, and I didn't want him to EVER see his friends. I fought with him for two months to get him to stop having his friend over every weekend.

 

Today, I had a chiropracter's appointment after work. When I told my boyfriend, he said, "Well that figures! Mom's making us dinner at 5."

 

I had someone in my office, so I rushed off the phone. I called him back when I had the chance, and he sounded upset. I said, "What's wrong?" he answered, "Well, I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and now I'm going to have to wait for you to get to mom's before we can eat, and then I'm going to have to hang out there for a while after we eat, because I can't just leave..."

 

I said, "I'll cancel my appointment. That will help make it better."

 

I got off the phone, and cancelled my appointment. He didn't even have to ASK me to! I just saw that my actions were going to upset him, and I changed them. It's not a big deal! I love him! I want to make him happy! What's waiting two days to get adjusted compared to his happiness!!???!

 

Yet I'm the controlling one!?!?! He can't even come home from the bar 2 hours early, and I'M the one that's controlling!? What's 2 hours at the bar compared to MY HAPPINESS!?!?!?

 

I have been going to the chriopracter three times a week for about one week. HE is the one that wanted space, and so I found something else to do. When I told him that I'd cancel, he said, "Well, it'd be all right if it wasn't every other day!" I said, "I'm trying to give you space!"

 

Suddenly, I think he wants out. He ties me in knots to change, and then when I'm all tied up, he wants me to untie. What gives?

 

I think I'm trying to hard.

[Habibti]

OP, are you SURE you're dating a grown man and not a five year old? That being said, people treat you how you allow them to treat you-it wouldn't be practical for you to organize your life around this man's pendulum demands and whims-I'm not sure what gave you the impression that you ought to? That isn't love. I understand you feel love towards him but what's going on in here is far from love as far as how he responds to you- For one, I can assure you that you're not asking too much of him to be in by 2am instead of 4am.If you told him to be in by ten I could see his complaint- He shows you no consideration whatsoever for your feelings by calling you controlling with words and by continuing his behavior in actions.

 

 

It's possible he's trying to split hairs as a way out of the relationship and if that is the case I would say seyanora!! You are willing to juggle your life around this man because you say you love him and his happiness is your number one priority (which I'm going to tell you right now, that isn't healthy- your happiness matters as much as his and in a loving relationship two people can do their own thing, compromise and neither has to completely shift one way or the other for them to each be happy and fulfilled) That being said- what about your happiness? From what you've told me he hasn't given two beans in a hotpocket for YOUR happiness- Don't you think you deserve any?

[BetrayedMM]

You're trying to set boundaries. Reasonable boundaries. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

 

When he crosses those boundaries, there must be consequences. Put your foot down and stand your ground.

 

Round here bars close at 2am, so 4am would be highly indicative of some sort of monkey business. Might be different wherever you live, but it's an obscene hour to come home anyway.

[luvstarved]

You are not controlling, you are CONTROLLED. Big difference!

 

YOU sit at home alone while he is out doing...his freedom thang.

 

YOU endure unwanted guests so HE can be entertained in the way HE would like to be.

 

YOU rearrange your life so that he does not even have to be mildly inconvenienced.

 

YOU don't get what you want so that HE can get what he wants.

 

YOU take the heat for what is actually HIS issue. Blaming someone else for one's own failings is classical narcissistic behavior.

 

Your "demands" are far from unreasonable. His expectation that everything will always happen according to what suits him best, and who cares what that means to others? - IS unreasonable.

 

You cannot be in a relationship without compromise. You don't deserve to take - without giving. He is trying to do just that, and so far, you are letting him get away with it.

 

I am not necessarily saying he is an *********, heck a lot of people will do the same if you LET them - who doesn't enjoy a doormat now and again?, but a good number will back off and be reasonable when you call them on it. I have seen this tendency in myself at times, but 1) I immediately back down if called on it or even if I realize it on my own 2) if I am never called on it, I gradually lose respect for the doormat in question....and there goes the relationship!!

 

I am curious as to how he reacts when you want to do what you want to do without regard for how it impacts him.

 

Or, has that never happened???

[LucreziaBorgia]

Between this and the horrible sexual experiences he tries to make you 'like' I'm not sure why you are with him, or even want this to work. I think you are learning a valuable lesson though - the only person you can change is yourself and hopefully you'll get up the courage to make the most necessary change for the sake of your mental and emotional health: the change that includes you walking away from this guy and never looking back.

[ookla_2]

I can't agree with LB enough. After reading your thread, SO many things remind me of the beginning of my relationship with my now-H. I have said so many times that if I had had ANY kind of self-esteem back then, we would NEVER have ended up together. I cringe when I think of how I allowed myself to be treated. You will never forget that, no matter how long you are together or how much he changes. My H has changed tremendously since then, but there are still shades of "that" guy from time to time.... Please, please, please, don't be me. Get out NOW, while you still can...

[PerfectLee]

I agree with all the posters on here and wanted to add a few things too. I've been following your threads for the most part, and it sounds to me like your BF is BITTER! I don't know about what...but he is! My GF used to act these ways: inconsiderate, snappy, what about me? everything is about you! you're trying to control everything, blah blah blah. We laid it out on the table like you just did and things were good for a few days and then BAM! Round 5,323. FIGHT! NOBODY WINS!

 

We're good now, things happened for reasons that we now realize, but you really need to put your foot down. He doesn't seem like a very understanding, empathic person, he sounds like a 5 yr old (as someone already mentioned) and yes...in those times he may feel controlled because he's acting like a child.

 

I'm glad you found something to do besides stay home, I was a little concerned about that, but sounds to me like he may have a little problem with you taking care of YOU first and not him. I say...keep doing it.