mface Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 this is really just a quick version of my previous post, which was waaay too long and rambling and probably in the wrong section. but i'm going through a very strange experience. i met someone and fell for him almost immediately. a few weeks after meeting, i tell him and he tells me he feels the same way. i'm overjoyed. we start dating and everything i learn about him--what we have in common, our shared values--keeps confirming the romantic chemistry we have. i daydream about him saying he loves me and wants to marry me. when these words are finally shared, i'm once again overjoyed. euphoric. this all happens over the course of about three months. and all through this time, all i am thinking is how i've finally found the guy i've been searching for, and how he's come at the perfect time, and how much i want to spend my life with him. then, a week after saying "i love you," i suddenly realize i'm freaking out. like, doubts out of nowhere--and they're not specifc--they're just feelings of doom or emptiness. i make lists of possible problems, talk to friends and family, but there's nothing i can pin it on. absolutely nothing. it feels as though i was literally robbed of all the wonderful feelings i was having. and i've been feeling like this for almost two months now, with three short periods of relief and normalcy. just numb. and depressed. devastated. it makes no sense, right? i thought i was falling out of love with him and that it was all beyond my control--and it tore me apart that i could one day believe i'd found my soulmate and the next day feel dead inside. but i still wait for his calls. i still want to see him at every chance i get. i still see his face everywhere and want to share experiences with him with friends. what does this mean? i really can't bear the idea of this being over so suddenly, like i was robbed without reason. will my peace of mind ever come back? how can i still be so interested in him and feel so horrible? and i feel horrible that i feel horrible. i've talked to him about this. he's well aware of what i'm going through. his response: "i'm not going to let you bolt. this is just a trial we'll get through, because if we're meant to be together, we will. i'm absolutely sure you're the one." and this relieved some pressure and over last weekend i actually started to feel normal again, but it fell apart when started thinking too much. and one of the other times when the horrible feeling lifted, i remember looking at him and suddenly realizing how "at home" i felt. i felt absolutely sure he was the one again. but then i thought too much. gah. am i just crazy? am i putting too much pressure on myself?
backspn Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? Have you had any long term raltionships in the past? How old are you two?
Author mface Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? Have you had any long term raltionships in the past? How old are you two? I'm 22 and he's 27. We've been dating since the end of November and it is exclusive. We've both had long term relationships. In fact, the person I was dating before I met my current was someone I had dated for four years, but I'd realized in September that we'd grown so far apart that we were better off parting. We ended our relationship just before I met my current BF, even though I had intended to stay single for a little while inbetween. But when I met my BF, I decided I'd rather be dating him than not.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I don't think it's wise to place too much emphasis on someone being the "one". Your expectations of your bf was placed too high. I think you find him too perfect for you to expect something else, and now all your doubts are setting in. The pace that you're going about this is too rushed. I think you need to take a step back before you rush into overmode overanalyzing you and your bf.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Why do you need to rush things? 4 months isn't a long period of time. Just relax and enjoy the relationship. Nevermind forcing the emotions, understanding and relationship, let it flourish and grow like the great oak tree.
dreamergrl Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I think it's just that the infatuated part has ended - I think a lot of relationship experience this. A lot of relationships are exciting and such at the beginning - when you're constantly learning about the other person and the relationship has developed.
Author mface Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I've considered this. I mean, I guess we went from Point A to Point Z, but now I have to go back and go through Points B C D E.. M N O... T... etc... I'm just very anxious about it. :\
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I've considered this. I mean, I guess we went from Point A to Point Z, but now I have to go back and go through Points B C D E.. M N O... T... etc... I'm just very anxious about it. :\ Why? Why not just see what each day brings instead of ruining your enjoyment of the relationship? The problem with human beings is we think too much, we think and rarely do, where's the impluse people? Secondly you are not revising for an exam, so why stress yourself out for no reason? Are you happy? Do you see yourself with this guy? Is the relationship going well? Does he satisfy your needs? If all of these come back as a stone, cold yes - then relax and enjoy, its that simple.
Author mface Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Are you happy? Do you see yourself with this guy? Is the relationship going well? Does he satisfy your needs? If all of these come back as a stone, cold yes - then relax and enjoy, its that simple. That's what I keep trying to convince myself. I can still answer yes to those questions. It's the fact that I'm so anxious that is making me unhappy, not him. Sigh. I think I've forgotten how to relax period. And I guess the infatuation stage took me out of myself and now that it's entering the real relationship part, my brain wants to explode. Gah. Sorry, I'm just nuts. I know.
Author mface Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 I see some similarities, too. I mean, I dated my previous BF for four years, even though it was toxic in a lot of ways. I feel a little like all the anxiety about that relationship is spilling over into this one. And when I met my current BF, I really felt like a moron for putting up with all that crap before. And I think I'm afraid things will just end up just as badly and I'll be heartbroken. I mean, I understand there's no way to know if you should marry someone until you've spend a considerable amount of time with them. I just worried about it taking another four years. But the anxiety itself is almost constant, with him or without him. But I get random breaks from it. Normal, happy feelings that will last a day or so. The only times it's ever gone away totally is when I'm with him.
ONegative Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 The only times it's ever gone away totally is when I'm with him. Well, that's a good sign. Certainly some issues from your last relationship can be seeping into this one... I'm sure that's my case too. I'm pretty needy when I'm feeling at my worst... perhaps that's why I feel so much better when I hear from him, even if it's only a text message. As for your previous relationship... you said it was toxic in a lot of ways. So you probably did realize much sooner than 4 years that you wouldn't end up marrying him right? Do you really sense the same about your current relationship, or is more about the fear of it failing? I'd say that's pretty normal, in fact maybe because this relationship feels so right to you there is a deep seated fear it will all fall apart. Looking back on my marriage, deep down I probably knew from the very beginning it wasn't meant to be.. I went against my instincts and now 10 years later here I am. Be thankful yours didn't last that long. If there aren't red flags about him and he makes you happy then just go with it. As far as your depression and doubting, maybe try talking to a counselor... its been long enough that you've been struggling with it, right?
Author mface Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Well, that's a good sign. Certainly some issues from your last relationship can be seeping into this one... I'm sure that's my case too. I'm pretty needy when I'm feeling at my worst... perhaps that's why I feel so much better when I hear from him, even if it's only a text message. As for your previous relationship... you said it was toxic in a lot of ways. So you probably did realize much sooner than 4 years that you wouldn't end up marrying him right? Do you really sense the same about your current relationship, or is more about the fear of it failing? I'd say that's pretty normal, in fact maybe because this relationship feels so right to you there is a deep seated fear it will all fall apart. Looking back on my marriage, deep down I probably knew from the very beginning it wasn't meant to be.. I went against my instincts and now 10 years later here I am. Be thankful yours didn't last that long. If there aren't red flags about him and he makes you happy then just go with it. As far as your depression and doubting, maybe try talking to a counselor... its been long enough that you've been struggling with it, right? Yeah, definitely no red flags about him. It really feels like it's all about me. And as for my ex, I didn't really see problems until about two years in, when I started to get upset that I was arranging all our dates and he never really did anything to make me feel special. So I broke up with him, but about six months later we got back together and he said he would try to do a better job at the boyfriend thing. But I slowly started to see how different we were becoming from one another. And that made it toxic for me was how much I tried to change myself to please him. And he started pressuring me sexually.
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