Checking a GF/BF's cell phone calls, is it ok?

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, see, the thing is, that only matter if you are NOT cheating. If you were cheating, you wouldn't have much respect for her to begin with, and if she confronted you with her suspicions, you would lie about cheating on her. Confrontation gets you nowhere with a lying cheater who wants to continue cheating without their bf/gf knowing.

 

Without proof, it's very easy to continue lying. She's hardly going to care if you respect her for confronting you if you are actually cheating and lying about it.

Exactly norajane! They gaslight until they're cornered.

 

Yeah, yeah, people are going to say, "If you no longer trust them, it's time to break up". I don't know about the rest of you but I'm not going to dump someone, on the off-chance that my guess is right...

[Rooster_DAR]

It's absolutely OK if it doesn't bother him, or if you have a valid reason for suspicion. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, many, many infidelities are discovered through cell phones.

 

Cheers!

[Rooster_DAR]

No, I don't think it's appropriate to look through your SO's phone or E-Mails. I have never done that to someone and I don't think I have had it done to me, either. If I ever found out that happened, I would be upset and would lack trust in my SO.

 

This is simply bad advice.

 

Although I agree looking through someone's personal items is not a good thing normally, in the case of a cheater it's very acceptable. If my G/F decided to look through my cellphone and explained to me why she did, I would have no problem with it..that is unless I had something to hide.

[mortensorchid]

Unfortunately, the means in which people are able to cheat have changed. The most likely way people are caught cheating is through text messages. Now, please don't think that I think you should be paranoid. If you suspect that something is amiss, then there would be reason to look at his cell phone. But, whether or not you are under the same roof, give him some privacy and don't make a point of looking at his cell or any of his other things.

[Rooster_DAR]

Unfortunately, the means in which people are able to cheat have changed. The most likely way people are caught cheating is through text messages. Now, please don't think that I think you should be paranoid. If you suspect that something is amiss, then there would be reason to look at his cell phone. But, whether or not you are under the same roof, give him some privacy and don't make a point of looking at his cell or any of his other things.

 

Good advice here.

[rosalie]

Naaah... I don't believe on any level that's it's OK. An open book policy is different to trust. If you really trust then why do you need to? It's a sign of insecurity, why make yourself feel worse?

 

I have done it before (a long time ago) and felt dirty and vile after I did it and haven't since, and it didn't satisfy or answer any questions just threw more up -- if you are looking then there's a reason (insecurity in yourself) and you can misinterpret something that is actually quite innocent.

 

I had a BF once who read my emails when I was doing nothing wrong and the violation was too much - why didn't he trust me? It was the beginning of the end for me....

 

Not to say I'm not curious when the current SO's phone buzzes, 'cause I am, it's human nature but I won't ever read it or his email as IMHO it's a self defeating process. If he's going to cheat on me, he's going to (and vice versa) nothing I do or say will change that and invading his space like that will only make it worse and more likely.

 

I don't want to know everything about his day and he mine, what's the point? I am an individual apart from him, being his girlfriend is a big part of my life but it's not all.

 

If someone is cheating then it's a reflection on them and not you, nothing you can do can help it, you can only make it worse.

[Angels&Airwaves]

Eh? Leaving your PDA wide open doesn't mean they're guaranteed to look. If they feel like it, they will. If they don't, they won't. There's nothing on my PDA they could use, to hurt me.

 

Edit - I should add that if someone I trusted, were to try to deliberately hurt me, they better be very careful, in the future.

 

No it doesn't guarantte they'll look, but if your partner is feeling insecure they'll probably go through your mobile telephone, searching for 'evidence'. You might be happy with your partner rooting through your privacy, but I'm not. I don't expect my partner to tell me every single detail about where they are going, who they are speaking to, what they are doing and I don't expect to have to report every conversation and happening in my life to my partner.

 

Yeah, see, the thing is, that only matter if you are NOT cheating. If you were cheating, you wouldn't have much respect for her to begin with, and if she confronted you with her suspicions, you would lie about cheating on her. Confrontation gets you nowhere with a lying cheater who wants to continue cheating without their bf/gf knowing.

 

Without proof, it's very easy to continue lying. She's hardly going to care if you respect her for confronting you if you are actually cheating and lying about it.

 

1) I don't cheat, I don't cheat because I'm not comfortable with no strings attached sex with someone I rarely know or with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with.

 

2) I'm a terrible liar and my conscience would get the better of me, if I did cheat, my partner would figure without too much trouble.

 

3) Confrontation works, a girl in my school confronted her boyfriend about his supposed antics with other women. He didn't see it coming and gave himself away (body language, sweat from his forehead, shock at being asked), she then demanded to see his phone to which he refused, she then figured he had something to hide and dumped him in the middle of playing field.

 

Sneaking around is not a good idea, it only gives the other partner much needed ammunition to use against you. I prefer the back someone into a corner and watch then wither approach.

[Vertex]

Regardless of the cheating issue, I feel that my phone history and text messages are still private and I'd be a little irked if my girlfriend went searching through all my stuff. Even though I have nothing to hide, it's still my privacy and unless I give some sort of free-reign permission, I don't need someone policing my phone and email and keeping tabs on me.

 

However, I will say that I think there are cases where this can be overriden. I will first say that there is a huge difference between insecure paranoia and reasonable concern. If you're invading someone's privacy out of your own insecurities with absolutely no proof or reason to doubt, then I think that is far less justifiable than if you have good reason.

 

Perhaps I am biased here because I've done this before. I never touched my ex-girlfriend's phone or email until the relationship entered a stage where there were just too many obvious red flags. It got to a point where it was obvious she was hiding something and not responding to me in a way that someone truly honest would have. I remotely accessed my ex-girlfriend's email and was able to discover what was really going on that confirmed my suspicions.

 

It's a very fine line because you basically look like an ass if you violate someone's privacy and find that your suspicions were incorrect. Whether or not your suspicions are correct, checking their phone or email signals that, for whatever reason, there's a gap in trust. This is an issue in itself.

 

Anyways, I say, keep information generally private and only intervene if there's good reason. For example, my girlfriend would no longer put much effort into coming to my school to see me (it'd always be me going to her) even if she wasn't busy, or our plans would suddenly get cancelled by oddly-too-inconvenient plans she had "forgotten about" with other people, or concerns about her truthfulness would result in her becoming overly defensive, retaliating with really elaborate defenses and explanations for things that someone just wouldn't bother getting into if they weren't actually hiding anything. She became distant sexually, was very easily irritated with me, started speaking more with her exes, and would sometimes make very cold or hurtful comments without much remorse.

 

In general, it was clear that something was up when the newfound negativity in the dynamics of the relationship gave way to my ex suddenly losing her ability to keep stories straight, resulting in little inconsistencies here and there. I eventually knew she was hiding something so I took matters into my own hands and confirmed it.

 

So, only snoop if you're pretty much certain of something and just want some sort of hard evidence. Otherwise it's not worth risking that breach of trust and you're better off simply talking it out and seeing how that runs its course.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're invading someone's privacy out of your own insecurities with absolutely no proof or reason to doubt, then I think that is far less justifiable than if you have good reason.

 

So, what constitutes reason to doubt or good reason? For the purposes of this discussion, let's pretend your gut is warning you, but you can't pinpoint anything. Does this constitute good reason to "invade" someone's privacy? If not, how do you get "proof" or do you allow it to fester until you explode or you find the two in bed together? Do you discuss the issue with someone, who as a cheater, will lie like a rug?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Don't start this stuff. Bad, bad, bad..... you will always second guess your/his actions.

[StartingOver07]

No, it is not ok.

 

Human beings have a basic right to privacy. If your SO chooses to share the contents of his/her phone/email/whatever, that is one thing. But snooping is not ok.

 

Let's try this: Is it ok for the government to snoop? Would you object to a wiretap on your phone because, hey, there's a possibility you could be doing something illegal?

 

Thought not.

[Trialbyfire]

No, it is not ok.

 

Human beings have a basic right to privacy. If your SO chooses to share the contents of his/her phone/email/whatever, that is one thing. But snooping is not ok.

 

Let's try this: Is it ok for the government to snoop? Would you object to a wiretap on your phone because, hey, there's a possibility you could be doing something illegal?

 

Thought not.

News flash! Refer to the Patriot Act and Homeland Security!

[StartingOver07]

News flash! Refer to the Patriot Act and Homeland Security!

 

Exactly.

 

Most people are opposed. That's why I used that comparison.

[Trialbyfire]

Exactly.

 

Most people are opposed. That's why I used that comparison.

Ah but...I don't care if big brother is watching. I have nothing to hide.

[KidEternity]

No checking somebody else's emails and phone calls/txt msgs is just wrong and is not justified in any circumstances in my opinion unless you ask them to.

 

Once you do check someones txt msgs or phone calls or whatever I guarantee it will spiral out of hand and you'll be checking every day and it will eventually lead to mistrust and accusations, and it just isn't cool!

[serial muse]

this is a tough one for me...in general, though, i'd say don't get in the habit of doing it. it's a hard habit to break, and not generally worth it.

 

my exH cheated on me, and although it took me a while to suspect (there were other things going on that i thought were responsible for him behaving oddly), once i did, i felt horrible about the idea of snooping, so i held off. then, at my wits' end (i did ask him outright, and he denied cheating), i finally checked his cell phone. cheating was the only thing that made sense of what was happening, but even so i still felt i needed proof before doing something rash.

 

so i checked it, and boy, did i get proof. the OW had left some seriously raunchy messages.

 

so...i don't regret checking his phone that time. he was a habitual liar - he lied about cheating even when i played those messages back to him. he wasn't ever going to fess up on his own. and sometimes, you just need the proof.

 

however. the flip side is that, after splitting up with him, i obviously had serious trust issues in a relationship, because i no longer trusted my own instincts. so i was sorely tempted to check new bfs' emails and phones whenever i felt insecure or worried about things. and although i never did find evidence of cheating from those subsequent boyfriends, i still made myself miserable by reading their private questions and concerns and doubts. those things are natural, and fair, and private, and they hurt like hell to read, and it was as impossible to forget what i read as it was to expect anyone to never doubt and never write down those fleeting, painful feelings.

 

worth it? not at all. helped tear at least one relationship apart.

 

so i made a choice not to do that anymore, and instead to focus on listening to my instincts, getting answers from my partner if i needed to and ensuring that i fully ask the questions i need to ask and explain why i need to ask them. and if i don't get the answers i need, that tells me something, too.

 

it's not a perfect system, because once upon a time i trusted and was burned and i'm still recovering from that, and the temptation to find ANSWERS with a capital A is so strong at times when i'm feeling scared. but the alternative is never learning how to trust again, and living in a cloud of suspicion and misery. no thanks.

 

so i wouldn't say it's always, black-and-white, a terrible idea to check. but making it a habit? part of your relationship? justifying it as normal and okay? i wouldn't. it's a slippery slope, and seriously undermines a healthy relationship. IMO.

Edited March 20, 2008 by serial muse

[Vertex]

So, what constitutes reason to doubt or good reason? For the purposes of this discussion, let's pretend your gut is warning you, but you can't pinpoint anything. Does this constitute good reason to "invade" someone's privacy? If not, how do you get "proof" or do you allow it to fester until you explode or you find the two in bed together? Do you discuss the issue with someone, who as a cheater, will lie like a rug?

 

In my particular example, I did discuss the issue, and of course was met with lies and inconsistent stories. What constitutes good reason or reason to doubt, in my opinion, is when there's no legitimate, consistent reason for a negative outcome. By this, I mean, a negative outcome (say, your boy/girlfriend not being able to come over for dinner) has no satisfying justification ("I was called into work and I couldn't get out of it -- I'm sorry and I promise to come on this and this date and time"). This is the sort of response you'd expect in an honest situation.

 

Now, a dishonest situation that would give you reason to doubt would be if you were to start receiving stories like ("I was caught up in traffic and couldn't make it in time") when the roads are totally clear, or ("I was in a meeting until 9") and then later the story changes to something like 6 or 7. Basically, certain responses become fishy. Things get lied about that don't seem like they'd be worth lying over. Why would someone lie about traffic or when their meeting ended? Without resorting to worst-case scenario, it'd be more prudent to first ask if the real reason is something more immediate (e.g. "Do you not like eating dinner at my place?" "Do you hate my cooking?" or even worse, "Do you not like eating with me?"). Any of those are more valid questions to ask in such a situation than instantly resorting to "she must be cheating on me," but when no sufficient justification is given, and when the inconsistent stories continue to pile up while affections seem to dwindle and/or an important relationship dynamic changes on a fundamental level, it becomes more apparent that the other person is lying to hide something, since justification and evidence would indicate that a more harmless truth is not the case.

 

The downside to this is that you obviously let the cheating go on for a long time -- I actually waited until I was almost more than certain through these hunches (it got to the point where I was basically predicting her every move on the assumption that she was cheating, down to her plans and general responses to my questions).

 

And, in general, at least for me, I consider myself pretty good at reading people. It's relatively simple to distinguish between an honest action or response and an action/response that must both appear honest while covering up dishonesty without seeming obvious. Unfortunately, that kind of strategy usually has all sorts of holes in it, and when you're able to pinpoint the effects of those holes consistently, it becomes clear that cheating is a very real possibility.

 

 

It's tricky because I normally would say "Of course it's not right to invade privacy," but sometimes there's just no proof. An alternative to this is to simply say, "I don't require proof of cheating, but the way this relationship is working out for reasons A B and C is not acceptable" and end the relationship on the grounds of the effects as opposed to cheating itself if acquisition of proof is not an essential thing for you. For me, I had a basic drive to validate my own hunch that I was correct and that all those fights my ex and I had... all those insults she threw at me for "being insecure and jealous" when I was in fact being purely logical with valid, justified arguments, were just her own attempts at defending her infidelity -- I knew this was the case beyond doubt, but I had to have the proof to make it concrete.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Vertex

[Trialbyfire]

It's tricky because I normally would say "Of course it's not right to invade privacy," but sometimes there's just no proof. An alternative to this is to simply say, "I don't require proof of cheating, but the way this relationship is working out for reasons A B and C is not acceptable" and end the relationship on the grounds of the effects as opposed to cheating itself if acquisition of proof is not an essential thing for you. For me, I had a basic drive to validate my own hunch that I was correct and that all those fights my ex and I had... all those insults she threw at me for "being insecure and jealous" when I was in fact being purely logical with valid, justified arguments, were just her own attempts at defending her infidelity -- I knew this was the case beyond doubt, but I had to have the proof to make it concrete.

That's my attitude. Unless I have concrete proof of cheating, I won't act on potentially knee-jerk emotion or insecurity. Btw, I have yet to check anyone's cell phone, since my divorce, and have yet to date anyone who appears to have that cheating mentality.

 

If I feel that crazy emotion again, like I did with the ex-H, I will check, regardless. Blind faith and trust is asking for it, up the wazoo. If you think about it, it's pretty arrogant to assume that personal character judgement is infallible.

[StartingOver07]

Ah but...I don't care if big brother is watching. I have nothing to hide.

 

 

These statements are unrelated.

 

I have nothing to hide either, but I have a right to privacy and wish to maintain it.

 

The premise that privacy is about hiding a wrong is a faulty one. Privacy is a human right.