lost66 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I got a question. Is it ok to look in your significant other's cell phone to see who is calling them and who they are calling and texting? What do you guys think? I believe that you should have an open book policy, I have nothing to hide. Your thoughts?
Nevermind Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 No, it's not. Unless you have a solid reason for thinking he/she has an affair, their phones and mails are their own and their privacy should be respected.
Tyra Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I think that's it's fine. If two people are in a devoting relationship, then it shouldn't be any secrets, or any reason to not allow your S.O to look through your phone.
carrot10 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 no don't do it!! Even if you suspect something. If you find something, what will you do? It is a GIANT trust issue. One of my younger friends just did this and now it's big mess. JMO
Lishy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I dont think it is ok UNLESS you are looking for evidence of cheating because you are getting all the signs I would go beserk if my bf looked in my phone and I am not hiding anything. I would go just as mad if he looked in my bag.
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 My ex-fiancee's phone beeped once when we were just hanging out on a stormy Saturday night. It was a text message. He said for me to get it. I said I'd prefer not to, I just didn't feel comfortable about it. He pressed the issue. Said he had nothing to hide. I look at the message and it says, "Is she there? Can you talk?" Discussion ensued. Turns out, it was a work colleague he saw when he was traveling for business; she was in another city, going through a difficult divorce, and he was her champion confidante, or so he said...
Habibti Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 If there's trust in a relationship why do you even NEED to see who they are calling/who is calling them? The whole idea strikes me as a way to split hairs- and I agree that a person's phone is their business and it has nothing to do with an honest,open relationship to see who they are communicating with. I think the only people who are interested are people who have trust issues. The thing about people with trust issues is they can't trust- they are never satisfied- they'll check your email-your phone-this and that- trying to find out what you're doing wrong because surely you ARE doing something wrong! (In their minds of course). The less wrongdoing they find while snooping on you the less content they are, the further they keep digging. It's a dysfunctional obsession that never really stops. And let it be known that trust issues are always about "me,myself and I". There's nothing another person can do to heal/fix/change about their partner's trust issues because it never had a thing to do with them to begin with.
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I think the only people who are interested are people who have trust issues. The thing about people with trust issues is they can't trust- they are never satisfied- they'll check your email-your phone-this and that- trying to find out what you're doing wrong because surely you ARE doing something wrong! (In their minds of course). The less wrongdoing they find while snooping on you the less content they are, the further they keep digging. It's a dysfunctional obsession that never really stops. Well said, and turned out to be true in the case of me and my ex-fiancee. This man used to give me 20 questions upon returning home from a movie/Starbucks night with a married girlfriend. Really? Ish. One day I was checking my personal email from work, and saw that he was in the process of forwarding MANY of my personal emails to his email account from my home computer. He was working from home that day. It wasn't password protected, you know, because I trusted him. I couldn't believe it. Discussion with girlfriends about this guy or that guy being cute. General relationship discussions, much like we do here on LS. He was CONVINCED I was cheating on him when it was the furthest thing from my mind. I immediately deleted ALL of my emails. That was the beginning of the end. If there are trust issues, that is not a good thing, and I don't think any amount of therapy or communication will abate it. It's a deep issue that is seldom resolved, IMHO.
lovelorcet Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It is important to maintain some amount of personal space in a relationship and I believe that a mobile phone as well as email, chat logs and so on fall into that private area. So in principle no it is not ok to look at this stuff with out the other person knowing. But sometimes you just have to get your hands dirty if you want to protect yourself. Choose those deeds very wisely though.
sally4sara Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I've heard all the reasons for looking through your SO's phone and emails. I can't say I've never done it. If things happen that make you go hmmm and you question these things only to have your SO's responses make you wonder even more, I'd say you should look. The problem with looking at call logs is you don't know what they talked about. The problem with looking at text calls is that it is usually comprised of short info and easy to take out of context. Emails usually tell the most, but then you have to do the dirty deed of getting into the email. From what I gather, if things seem hinky and what you find on the phone and what your discussions with your SO yield leads you to need to check the email, you are going to find something bad. What amazes me is that too often I read on here that someone checked and didn't like what they found but are afraid to tell their partner they snooped. I take this to mean that they snooped without having decided what they would do if they found something bad. What is the point of checking if you don't know what to do about the info you find? So, I feel that it isn't always a bad thing to do so long as you have real reasons to do it and know what course of action you WILL take if you find out what you suspect is true. Otherwise, why bother stirring things up? If the finding out your SO is stepping out on you isn't enough to make you leave, why would you want to turn suspicion into agonizing truth?
twice_shy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I got a question. Is it ok to look in your significant other's cell phone to see who is calling them and who they are calling and texting? What do you guys think? I believe that you should have an open book policy, I have nothing to hide. Your thoughts? I would ususally say no. But if she is giving you a reason to be suspicious, why not? Invasion of privacy? maybe, but what is the alternative? Being a chump if she is cheating and going on not knowing?
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It is 1)important to maintain some amount of personal space in a relationship and I believe that a mobile phone as well as email, chat logs and so on fall into that private area. So in principle no it is not ok to look at this stuff with out the other person knowing. 2)But sometimes you just have to get your hands dirty if you want to protect yourself. Choose those deeds very wisely though. 1) Percisely, I couldn't agree more, it's natural to want to keep somethings to yourself. I keep the things my best friend tells me from everyone including an SO and I keep my doctor visits under tight warps, too. 2) Communication is key, if my girlfriend thought I was cheating I'd have much more respect for her if she confronted me rather than searching my computer, phone and emails. I wouldn't be upset if she confronted me about her doubts, but invading someone's privacy without their permission is a deal breaker IMO and I'd instantly split up with that person.
carrot10 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 adding to my above post about not looking in SO's phone. short story-my friend was sending me brief texts regarding a conversation she had with a guy she was seeing. Examples of her texts were "I know you want me" Threesome sometime?" If someone looked in my phone they would think the converstion was between ME and this person. She was just relaying what he was saying to her. then the whole trust issue would come up so I stick to not a good idea
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 adding to my above post about not looking in SO's phone. short story-my friend was sending me brief texts regarding a conversation she had with a guy she was seeing. Examples of her texts were "I know you want me" Threesome sometime?" If someone looked in my phone they would think the converstion was between ME and this person. She was just relaying what he was saying to her. then the whole trust issue would come up so I stick to not a good idea Exactly. Which was very difficult to explain to my enraged SO, who WANTED to believe I was cheating. With cryptic messages like that, there was no way to convince him otherwise, because he simply didn't TRUST me. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 adding to my above post about not looking in SO's phone. short story-my friend was sending me brief texts regarding a conversation she had with a guy she was seeing. Examples of her texts were "I know you want me" Threesome sometime?" If someone looked in my phone they would think the converstion was between ME and this person. She was just relaying what he was saying to her. then the whole trust issue would come up so I stick to not a good idea Who has in-depth conversations through text? I only use texting for arranging meetings with people, not to have a nice cosy chat and a cup of tea. I would either use the telephone/mobile to make a call, or tell the person in person. If your loved one looked through your phone because she is feeling insecure and saw those messages, she would probably think you were having an affair, even though it's innocent. People should think about what they leave on their phones, I naturally delete most of my texts after a few days because they clog up much needed storage space.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 No, I don't think it's appropriate to look through your SO's phone or E-Mails. I have never done that to someone and I don't think I have had it done to me, either. If I ever found out that happened, I would be upset and would lack trust in my SO.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) Some people think trust is not having to know. I think trust is not having to care. My boyfriend opens his email/facebook accounts and checks his text messages/missed calls around me all the time, and doesn't think twice of trying to hide them. I used to look, just because I could, but it's gotten to the point where I don't feel that I need to; I just know I can trust him because of his actions and openness. Edited March 19, 2008 by I Luv the Chariot OH
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Some people think trust is not having to know. I think trust is not having to care. My boyfriend opens his email account and checks his text messages and missed calls around me all the time, and doesn't think twice of trying to hide them. I used to look, just because I could, but it's gotten to the point where I don't feel that I need to; I just know I can trust him because of his actions and openness. I was very similar to with my ex-girlfriend when we met, but I did receive texts, calls and emails when not in her presence, that I did not tell her about. I didn't have anything to hide, I just didn't see the point of informing her of every detail within my day. People think you are not entirely open then you have something to hide, which is nonsense.
sweetbutcheeky Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Hell No! For one what reason do you have to need to check who they are calling? If a boyfriend did that I would think that he didn't trust me and was checking every move I made. Why would you want to make your bf/gf think you don't trust them? Who cares who they are calling if you trust them? It's the same as checking email, going threw their desk and snooping. Your asking for trouble!
WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I think that if you cant trust them then you should not be with them, ask yourself if you check it now, will you have to all of the time? It aint worth it because in a way it is starting a bad habbit. Funny story, I was out on a firwst date and when we got back to my place I went to use the rest room and I see her going thru my cell phone and asked baout all th girls that were in there, I threw her out.
Lizzie60 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I say it doesn't really matter unless you're doing it to spy on him.. other than that I think that both partners should be opened, if they have nothing to hide, to the other partner to look at their phone.. I wouldn't mind.. unless I feel he doesn't trust me..then that would get on my nerve.. I can't stand jealous people.
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I got a question. Is it ok to look in your significant other's cell phone to see who is calling them and who they are calling and texting? What do you guys think? I believe that you should have an open book policy, I have nothing to hide. Your thoughts? All I can say is that I've always left my PDA laying around in the open. If anyone wants to look, they're welcome to it, whether it's friends, romantic interests or family. I've got nothing to hide.
Angels&Airwaves Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 All I can say is that I've always left my PDA laying around in the open. If anyone wants to look, they're welcome to it, whether it's friends, romantic interests or family. I've got nothing to hide. Why is it when someone values their privacy they have something to hide? Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to share every single thing with your partner or allow them to know every single minor detail about you. Some people like to hold a bit back, because they aren't comfortable with someone knowing every single thing about them, I can relate to this, because I've opened up to people before and they've used what I've told them against me and when that happens, it hurts.
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) Why is it when someone values their privacy they have something to hide? Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to share every single thing with your partner or allow them to know every single minor detail about you. Some people like to hold a bit back, because they aren't comfortable with someone knowing every single thing about them, I can relate to this, because I've opened up to people before and they've used what I've told them against me and when that happens, it hurts. Eh? Leaving your PDA wide open doesn't mean they're guaranteed to look. If they feel like it, they will. If they don't, they won't. There's nothing on my PDA they could use, to hurt me. Edit - I should add that if someone I trusted, were to try to deliberately hurt me, they better be very careful, in the future. Edited March 19, 2008 by Trialbyfire
norajane Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 2) Communication is key, if my girlfriend thought I was cheating I'd have much more respect for her if she confronted me rather than searching my computer, phone and emails. I wouldn't be upset if she confronted me about her doubts, but invading someone's privacy without their permission is a deal breaker IMO and I'd instantly split up with that person. Yeah, see, the thing is, that only matter if you are NOT cheating. If you were cheating, you wouldn't have much respect for her to begin with, and if she confronted you with her suspicions, you would lie about cheating on her. Confrontation gets you nowhere with a lying cheater who wants to continue cheating without their bf/gf knowing. Without proof, it's very easy to continue lying. She's hardly going to care if you respect her for confronting you if you are actually cheating and lying about it.
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