Girlfriend isn't sure about attending my grandfather's funeral

[Sevenmack]

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and in general, things are fine. The biggest problem at the moment is that I've moved to DC in order to help get ourselves ready for her move in October and begin living as a soon-to-be married couple. The distance is tough at times, but we talk every day on the phone, webcam and visit each other every two months.

 

While in DC, I took care of my grandfather, who had been frail for the past four years of his life. This Sunday, he died after a long battle with congestive heart failure and pneumonia, which has put most of us in some shock (even though we knew it was inevitable). As a result, we're having a funeral in town next week.

 

This is where things get tough. The Lady in my life, despite having met my grandfather twice and already being considered family by my mom and aunts, is reluctant to go. Part of it, of course, is the price: It is over $500 in flight cost and she's already paid tickets to Atlanta to meet my mom for the first time. But says she feels as if she's interloping, that I need to spend time with my family to grieve and she may get lost in the shuffle while at the funeral. She doesn't feel like she's part of my family, even though we're all but married, has talked (at least on the phone and also in person) to my aunts and I've told her that my mother and aunts actually anticipate her being there. As they should. She also says she doesn't want to meet my mother for the first time under those circumstances -- as if my mother will feel any better three weeks from the day of the funeral; my mother lost her father, for chrissakes.

 

She wants to talk about it, but I'm really not in the mood to do so. I come from school of 'you just do what needs to be done." If her father died, I'd be there, no matter what. It's kind of sad that she doesn't seem to feel otherwise; she's been there for me during some really tough times (loss of a job, starting up a new business, moving) and she's comforted me on the phone over my grandfather's death. But she doesn't seem to get it; just show up or don't show up, but do something and stop hemming and hawing.

 

What do you think.

[blind_otter]

I think she should go. Maybe you can assure her that you need her there to be supportive of YOU while you grieve.

 

My SO hadn't even met my father formally when he went to my Dad's funeral. Ultimately, he was there for me to help me while I grieved.

[Lyssa]

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you're holding up well.

 

I would have wanted for my BF (and he said he wanted to be there for me) to be with me when my mother passed away but due to us being in different countries, it was not possible - especially seeing that my mother passed away suddenly.

 

Seeing that everyone considers her as part of the family, I think she should go - at least for you. Like BO said, let her know that you need her during this trying time. She has after all, been there for you all the while.

[curiousnycgirl]

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I am even more sorry that your g/f appears to be making this all about her and her comfort level. Frankly that is inappropriate and she needs to step out selfishness.

 

Her place now is to be there for you and your family. Period end of story. It is very unfortunate that these are the circumstances under which she will first meet much of your family - however that is really irrrelevant.

 

If you must put it in her terms - she needs to understand how not attending will rightfully put her in a terrible light as far as the family is concerned.

[carhill]

OP, my condolences. This is a difficult time.

 

If it were me, I'd buy her a ticket (or use my award miles) and calmly tell her I need her at this time and want her to be with me.

 

Her answer would give me good information about where the relationship is headed.

 

My instinct is that I would not be renting a reception hall just yet...

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss...

If it were me, I'd buy her a ticket (or use my award miles) and calmly tell her I need her at this time and want her to be with me.

 

Definately offer this to her and let her know that you want her there. For support AND because she IS part of your family -Even if she doesn't feel that way yet, going to the funeral and being involved afterwards and being around the family WILL make her feel like part of the family.

 

She has to remember this isn't about her and how uncomfortable she may feel, it's about a family loss and a family just being together. Noone is going to be focussing on her and wondering why she is there. BUT, if she ISN'T there, that will be noticed...

 

It is possible though that she can't handle death and funerals, which is understandable, but then again, like some things in life, there are things we all just have to do even if we don't want to.

[carhill]

I answered the post the way I did because I saw a lot of myself in the GF and I wasn't there for my mother when my dad passed away from cancer many years ago. I didn't visit him in the hospital and dreaded the funeral. I understand now why I acted the way I did and can empathize with the GF is she feels overwhelmed. That said, one must step outside their comfort zone to grow and that experience changed my attitude about such things forever. Hope it works out for the OP. I would suggest empathy but consistent desire for her to be a part of the family she is apparently choosing.

[StartingOver07]

Is this your father or grandfather who died? You say grandfather in your title but then compare it to your gf's father dying, which is confusing.

 

I guess I will be the lone dissenter here and say that I understand your GF's hesitation. I went to my ex-H's mother's funeral when we were engaged and it was hard all 'round for that to be the first time to meet the family. Not so much for me, but it placed a bit of a burden on his family who felt obligated to be somewhat cheerful and social with me. This was not because of anything I said or did, but just because they were decent people and wanted to somehow welcome me (most were meeting me for the first time) even though they were grieving the loss of their mother.

 

If she is far away and the trip will entail taking time off work, etc., this could also be an issue. $500 could also be an issue.

 

At a minimum, if you really want her there, I think Carhill has the right advice.

[carhill]

Oh, forgot the progression. I would not offer to buy her a ticket, I would do it and then advise her of the travel schedule. The OP didn't indicate any concerns about job conflicts, rather "fitting in". By progressing it this way, I show her my understanding that it is my need (and my responsibility for that need) for her to be with me and my expectation that she will want to be with me.

 

If she declines, the ticket can be exchanged for future travel for her with a minor loss of fare paid and I will have learned an important relationship lesson

[HokeyReligions]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Inevitable or not, its still a loss and there will be grief.

 

Something you said in your post though stood out to me. You said she wants to talk about it and you are from a different dynamic where you are just do what needs to be done. This can (and probably will) have a profound effect on your relationship. Sadly it is a family loss that is bringing this to the forefront now - but in a way its also a good thing.

 

You need to look at each other's family upbringing and expectations and find some compromises. If she needs to talk about it, then talk With her and not at her. As difficult as this time is for you, in order to bring her into the family so that she feels at home you need let her know Why she is expected to be there - because your family is already opening their hearts to her and that her presence will show them that she is welcoming them into her heart also. It will be difficult for her and she will feel a bit like an outsider, but by showing you and your family and Herself, that she is willing to step into the family at this point will do nothing but bring you all closer.

 

It's awkward meeting the SO's parents for the first time no matter what. She is not going to know what to say anway and a funeral atmosphere is going to double that. She has probably been thinking about what to say and now she has to think of something else. Previously it was about making a good impression and now its about that AND not seeming insensitive or uncomfortable.

Give her some suggestions of what to say when she first meets your family. Something like "I've wanted to meet you for so long and I'm so very sorry it has to be under such circumstances."

 

If she doesn't know what to do with herself this has always stood me in good stead in uncomfortable circumstances: Don't say much. Sit quietly by your side when its quiet. Offer to bring others something to drink or eat - or just bring it. Have some tissues handy for everyone. Don't be afraid to cry - that endears her to others that she would feel some emotion for others she doesn't even know. Be the one to run to the store for supplies, or run a wash or do the dishes. It might seem thankless at the time, and like she's there as a servant, but beleive me - it will not go totally unnoticed and again, that will bring her more into the family.

 

Tell her to take the time to observe how your family act and react during this time as that will also help her to understand you and see the differences in your families - and the similarities.

 

If she adamently refuses to go then you do need to have some serious conversations about how you each see your future together. You need to do that anyway - every couple should before they marry.

 

 

Expecting someone to behave a certain way because that is how your family has always been is unrealistic. She also needs to know that you will be there to help her help you. And you need to know if the circumstances were reversed that she would be there to help you help her.

 

I have had to tell my husband what to do to help me in similar circumstances and he appreciated it because without my guidance he would have been lost. And vice versa. By the time we got to the 3rd or 4th death in our family we knew what we needed to do and were comfortable with it even though it varied from how we acted prior to our being together.

 

That might sound like we were trying to change or control the other - but we are not mind readers and trying to intuit something doesn't always work. I'd rather be told what is expected and why and be given the opportunity to explain why something doesn't work and find an alternative that works for everyone.

 

You might be able to work with an airline to get a hardship discount. I've done that a couple of times when it was necessary to fly somewhere for a funeral or health crisis.

 

Please don't let this become a larger issue than it needs to be and right now that would be very easy to do.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

My ex-boyfriend didn't come to my fathers funeral. Hence why he's an ex-boyfriend in many respects. In grief, I didn't want to hear about "But I dont want to meet your family under these circumstances". That made it all about him, not my dad. I wanted to not hear anything, I just wanted to be supported.

 

I say, TELL HER in no uncertain terms that you need her there. If she can't go, say goodbye to your future because she isn't going to be there for you in future hard time

[annieo]

Is it possible that she has a funeral/death phobia? Maybe she is just uncomfortable with that part of it, and is making excuses to avoid it.

I had never gone to a funeral until I was an adult, and the whole thing was pretty scary - unknown territory for me. Unfortunately, the first funeral I went to was for my soon-to-be husband's 1 1/2 year old niece (who died from complications due to a heart birth defect). It was on Christmas Eve and it was incredibly tough for everyone, as you can imagine.

Has she been to a funeral before? Does she know what to expect? If she does, then she should just, as you said, do the right thing by you and her soon to be family. But maybe you need to probe a little deeper to find out what is holding her up. There might be more to it than you think.