pigeonsid Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I'm feeling more peaceful today. I am accepting that my relationship is over, and my rebound is over over. (He was useful in helping me get over my ex, but it isn't going to go anywhere and I do feel comfortable in just letting go of this and saying that I'm better off alone than simply getting the scraps of companionship that he can occasionally offer me.) But I still feel really lonely, and scared to be alone. This confounds me because before my relationship, I spent a lot of time on my own. I lived by myself, I'm in a job that involves lots of independent research so I was used to spending lots of time alone. Before my relationship, I could go for a week without seeing any friends, without really talking to anyone, and I would be fine. My work was interesting and it was enough to sustain me. Right now, I'm scared if there's a day that I don't have something planned. Right now, I worry about spending a day without seeing someone. I've been doing the rounds with all my friends but this is getting a bit much. It's been over 3 months. I don't think that I can afford to be such a needy friend for much longer, people are going to get tired of me. I have lots of work piling up - lots of work that I should be doing. I know that I'm coping much better now than I was three months ago, but I still feel so fragile. When is it going to go away? When am I going to be that confident girl again, the girl that trusted that things were going to work out? Right now I just feel scared, and so lonely. I got used to having him around all the time, to having someone to come home to, to having someone to depend on. I know that I need to be enough for myself but it's difficult. My heart isn't in my work any more. I don't know where it is. I just know that I want to snap out of this, and to stop feeling as though he somehow took away my future when he left me.
LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 loneliness and being scared to be alone creeps in to our lives all the time, i think, for a variety of reasons, whether we're in a relationship or not, whether we fill our days or not. i guess they're just part of the human condition and never really stop, so to speak. thing is, when you're lonely post-breakup it seems the first thing you think about or attribute it to is your recent loss or even just the general, universal longing to belong to someone, be with someone in a way you think will make it go away.
MrsTattie Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 i know that feeling though i am married everybody is alone you come alone to this earth and you go alone from this earth
Author pigeonsid Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Yes, I often feel alone when I'm with people or sort of disconnected - you know, not wanting to spend too much time with most people. But that was how I knew I was in love - because I found someone that I just wanted to spend all my time with, someone that made me feel that life wasn't just about work, that life could be something more. I have been reading Moustakas and about the differences between being alone and being lonely. I guess the point is that right now I feel lonely, and I don't know how to make that go away. Or maybe what you guys are saying is that it can't go away, I just need to get used to it? I know that time will heal everything, but I do wish I could just fast forward right now, to a place where I stop missing him and where I'm happy again in my own right. I have lots of exciting things happening with work, and it's just awful to feel like I'm sleepwalking through most of it. Thanks guys for talking to me.
Meaplus3 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Yes, I often feel alone when I'm with people or sort of disconnected - you know, not wanting to spend too much time with most people. But that was how I knew I was in love - because I found someone that I just wanted to spend all my time with, someone that made me feel that life wasn't just about work, that life could be something more. I have been reading Moustakas and about the differences between being alone and being lonely. I guess the point is that right now I feel lonely, and I don't know how to make that go away. Or maybe what you guys are saying is that it can't go away, I just need to get used to it? I know that time will heal everything, but I do wish I could just fast forward right now, to a place where I stop missing him and where I'm happy again in my own right. I have lots of exciting things happening with work, and it's just awful to feel like I'm sleepwalking through most of it. Thanks guys for talking to me. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lonely..I can relate to that feeling very much and it's not any fun. Letting go of someone that was ounce very important in your life is never an easy thing to do. I believe that with time you will be feeling better. Try to take little steps each day... and remember to smile. Hugs AP:)
sedona Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 But I still feel really lonely, and scared to be alone. This confounds me because before my relationship, I spent a lot of time on my own. I lived by myself, I'm in a job that involves lots of independent research so I was used to spending lots of time alone. Before my relationship, I could go for a week without seeing any friends, without really talking to anyone, and I would be fine. My work was interesting and it was enough to sustain me. Right now, I'm scared if there's a day that I don't have something planned. Right now, I worry about spending a day without seeing someone. I've been doing the rounds with all my friends but this is getting a bit much. It's been over 3 months. I don't think that I can afford to be such a needy friend for much longer, people are going to get tired of me. I have lots of work piling up - lots of work that I should be doing. I know that I'm coping much better now than I was three months ago, but I still feel so fragile. When is it going to go away? When am I going to be that confident girl again, the girl that trusted that things were going to work out? Right now I just feel scared, and so lonely. I got used to having him around all the time, to having someone to come home to, to having someone to depend on. I know that I need to be enough for myself but it's difficult. My heart isn't in my work any more. I don't know where it is. I just know that I want to snap out of this, and to stop feeling as though he somehow took away my future when he left me. This is precisely how I feel. Like I'm watching life go by and can't feel anything anymore. Everything has become a distraction to make time pass - nothing more. The things I used to do and really enjoy just aren't the same anymore. I do research alone in my office, and now find that I can't concentrate at all. I'm getting nowhere and feel like I've become a fraud. I have a job that I sit with my friends, and my heart just isn't in it. Now I don't have any enthusiasm for anything in me, and I can't imagine ever getting that energy back again. I saw a therapist today, for the first time ever. He told me to keep a notebook with me at all times and to write down whenever my mood changes, rating what I'm feeling from 0 to 100, with 0 being nothing and 100 being totally involved. I see him again in 2 weeks. So I've started, but couldn't handle such a wide scale, so I've settled on 0 to 10.
BalancenLuv20 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 pigeonsid loneliness is that awful dark cloud that can be difficult to push away. For me at least, some days are clearer than others, but eventually that cloud keeps coming back. I don't feel sick to my stomach about the ex like I used to, but I know she has such a huge social network and i have hardly any and that has made it difficult for me to move on in this r-ship despite the fact I was the dumper. Time and effort are the two things that will help you through this. If you can keep trying to be a good person and live a productive life, it will open more doors to being able to escape from this. The light at the end of the tunnel will appear when you least expect it.
Author pigeonsid Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Thanks everyone for your support. It has made me feel better tonight, coming home and getting to read your responses, especially from people who understand what I'm feeling. At least when my ex first left me all my friends were there for me and knew that that was going to be a difficult time for me. It's easier right now since I'm not so emotional, but in a way it's harder because I know that it's time to stop talking about him, to stop being sad and to just move on somehow. But of course, inside, it's hard to let go and move on. Sedona - I wonder if it's the nature of our work which also makes things difficult for us? I used to love my work but right now I wish I could go into an office full of people every morning, and be distracted by small talk and chitchat and all the things that I used to avoid. I know that I'm going to have to get my brain back somehow and that one day the work is going to become my passion again, but it seems to require more energy than I have right now. Balencenluv - I have the same problem - my ex was much more social than me. During our relationship, I had a lot of trouble just adjusting to that because he wanted to socialise a lot more than I did. I felt exhausted seeing different people every night and finally, when I had a family member die, and then lots of work problems came up, I just couldn't do it any more. I told him that I couldn't go to every single event with him any more, and then he left me because he thought we were incompatible and he wasn't seeing his friends enough. I look back and I'm starting to feel clearer about things - at least now I'm thinking that he's the one in the wrong and that he should have been more understanding of what I was going through, instead of just blaming myself. But I do find it ironic that now he's gone I am battling loneliness and trying to fill up my time, whereas during the relationship all I needed was a little more space to myself and more time to get comfortable with all the new people he'd introduced me to. I hope you're right and that we will manage to escape from this. Does anybody else just catch themselves and wonder - what happened to my life? This isn't how things were supposed to turn out.
Author pigeonsid Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Hi all - I guess this is just going to be my lonely thread. Sorry, but it is good to be able to vent somewhere. I saw my aunt today and she just made me feel terrible, reminded me of how dysfunctional my family is. They're all so cold and unfeeling, it makes me feel like even more of a wreck because I do feel and express emotions. In a way it was good to see her and get some reinforcement of why I don't see my family much, and why I really should continue to stay away from them. But on the other hand it made me miss my ex, and his family, and of course I wanted to just be able to come home and have someone tell me that it doesn't have to be this way - that I'm going to have a wonderful, loving family that is very different from the way I was raised. And of course, I came home to an empty apartment instead, and while I know that I am still going to find that wonderful family one day - it's really hard to remember that when I"m by myself. Sorry, just needed to be able to say this to someone. I want a hug right now. I miss my ex, because when he held me I'd finally feel safe and that I was finally getting all that affection I'd craved for so long. It was such a precious thing to me. I can't believe it's really gone. Oh well. Thanks for listening guys, sorry for sounding like such a sad person. I really hope that I'll snap out of this sometime.
Author pigeonsid Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Oh, and btw - I just found out my rebound guy has joined facebook. It was something that he was resisting for ages. He hasn't tried to add me, and I'm not going to add him, but God, the frustration. It's so tempting to stalk him and I'm wondering if he's suddenly joined it as a dating thing (his good friend is completely using facebook as a way of picking up girls, which I find bizarre). This is all pointless, I know, but I did just sleep with him last week and then decide I wanted more than FWB. And now, after several months of adamantly saying he was never going to be on facebook, he has appeared. Just to torture me or so it feels. *sigh* Okay, I will stop whinging about my life now and try to think about something else.
LuCidiTy Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 i'm beginning to despise myspace and facebook and all the like. as if relationships weren't hard enough before, along they came to add yet another level of complexity. grrrr. what you're going through and the answers you seek are inside YOU and nothing you find externally is going to help. quite the contrary, it's just going to add levels of confusion and irrelevant snips of facts and fantasy to prevent you from healing and moving on. just don't LOOK.
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I stopped feeling lonely when I felt enough indifference, apathy, "uncaring" towards him. I'm so relieved. I can finally focus on studying, my work, my projects, etc. I think of him everyday. I miss him. I love him. But... well, my signature pretty much sums it up for me. He wants to stay friends with me, but we don't see eye to eye on that. For me, NC is the way to go. And hopefully, NC for good. I don't stay in touch with my ex-boyfriends. I thought he'd be an exception since we were best friends before we dated, but I know myself better than anyone else - better than he, even (since he used to be a BFF kind of figure). Wanting to be his friend isn't as strong as wanting him back as the love of my life, so for his sake as well as mine, I'm going to stay gone. Hang in there! I dance randomly from time to time - it's what I do when I have happy moments and what not. On the street, in the room, nothing elaborate, just... a small dance. I indulge in small happy thoughts and eventually, they all pile up that I've fought off the sadness w/o knowing it.
sedona Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I stopped feeling lonely when I felt enough indifference, apathy, "uncaring" towards him. Oh, what I wouldn't give to feel only indifference! How long did it take you to come to that point?
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) Oh, what I wouldn't give to feel only indifference! How long did it take you to come to that point? Oh dear, um... the break up happened October 2006. Almost 2 years ago? Yes. It's only recently that I started to feel that way. It's all thanks to a dream: I dreamt that he had just gotten together with one of his "possibilities" (he's taken to calling girls he's attracted to "possibilities"). Whether or not they're together now, I don't know and I don't want to know. That's what I took away from that dream. In the dream, I walked away pretending that I was okay but I was really hurt because she reached for him and he held her right in front of me. I woke up because of that pain. Now, I don't want to go to sleep until I'm really tired and just kind of coach my brain to not dream about anything. I also tell myself to wake up early. It's gotten me 5 hours of sleep in the past few nights. I've been doing this since I was a little girl to cope with bad dreams and it sucks because of the lost sleep. I got tired of feeling crappy because of him. He used to bring out the best in me and he's not doing that anymore. I don't know if he does the things he does to hurt me on purpose, but I got tired of feeling down all the time. He says he wants to stay friends, but as far as I know... friends build me up, not break me down. He wanted out, so he should stay out. I'm in a healthy place now. I hope you'll be able to find your healthy place soon, too. Edited March 22, 2008 by 0hpenelope my signature's not showing up for some reason. hopefully it shows up now.
eagle5 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I'm glad I've read this thread as I'm in exactly the same boat as you pigeonsid, it's such a horrible feeling and dam scary too. I have kept busy fot the last 3.5 months and have made new friends and rekindled some old ones, but when like you I don't have a plan for the day or something to look forward to, my mind has a tendency to start to wander and then I either think back to how much I miss her or forward to my future which has a MASSIVE question mark attached to it and which is lonely!! I posted a similar thread recently on just this subject and the replies were uplifting in that they all said I'm not alone on this one, and you are not too. It seems so many of us are at this lonliness stage. Well if you promise to keep smiling then I will too Eagle
Author pigeonsid Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Wow, ohpenelope, indifference does sound like a wonderful alternative to all the obsessing, hurt, over-analysing and general craziness that I've felt over the past four months. But I'm sorry to hear that you've been having bad dreams and losing sleep. The first month after my ex left me, I really couldn't sleep properly at all and it contributed to my general zombie-like feeling that I was in an alternate universe. But I think that all the bad dreams were just my brain processing what had happened because after the first month, I started being able to sleep properly again, and now I rarely dream about my ex anymore. Has something happened to make you suddenly start dreaming about him again? And Lucidity - you're right. Facebook sucks! It's causes extra complications. I have been really good at staying away from my ex's profile page, and hope that in the next few weeks I can exercise some similar control in staying away from the rebound. I finally decided last week that it was time to take away the crutch that the rebound was, because I didn't think it was good for me to be falling into a weird sort of FWB relationship, but yes, it's difficult. I know that it will be better in the long-run, but right now I do miss having the crutch! And of course, the comfort of having someone else in my bed, even if just for a few hours. Gosh, I seem to be on LS all the time... I feel like it's the only thing keeping me sane right now!
0hpenelope Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Has something happened to make you suddenly start dreaming about him again? Nothing happened. There's nothing happening and he has told me before that since nothing's happening between us, it makes him sad. It's kind of funny that I'm the one who's telling him that he'll be fine even without me in his life at the same time that I'm convincing myself that I'll be fine without him. What happened (or what's happening), I think, is this: I miss him a lot. He's never out of my mind, I think about him all the time, and sometimes I catch myself looking for him on campus. I get a little thrill when I see him, but I coach myself "That feeling's short-term. Think long-term." NC is the way to be for me and it's really, really hard... especially when he was my best friend before we dated. I see him with his other lady friends and I can't help but feel jealous because I used to be "his main girl" and that's what he called me. I'm not looking for anyone new. I don't want anyone new and I want him back, but as I've said before... I have a life to live. It's a lonely road, but I count my blessings more often now and my friends are incredibly patient, wonderful, and non-judgmental. They, as well as my activities this semester + becoming a more conscious and active Catholic, were are my crutches. I'm not here to preach about the religion part of my moving forward, though, just to clarify to whoever's reading this. That religion aspect is an important choice that I made for myself and it's helped me a lot. At the very least, we all deserve good before better. That's what I believe. I'm not getting my good from him, so... I'm finding my good again. I hope you find your healthy place too, pigeonsid, and everyone else who's reading this thread.
Author pigeonsid Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 I can't believe how difficult this is! I almost feel like I"m going crazy -I'm sitting in my room and I just want to call out to my ex, who should be sitting in the living room. I have been really good in reclaiming the apartment as mine, but tonight I miss him a lot, and it's difficult to remember that he's really not going to be in the room, probably ever again. I feel really isolated today. I don't know why - I actually went out and saw a movie with a friend, I saw friends yesterday. I know that I am getting on with life slowly. But when I come home, I just can't believe that it all happened and my life isn't on that wonderful path I imagined. I'm being good and not reaching for the quick fix that is the rebound, but it's sad. I do want to reach out to someone. I feel as though I've spent so many years being alone, just waiting for the time when I can leave all my family crap behind and get my own life. It really does feel as though the time I spent with my ex was the happiest I've ever been, and I just don't understand why I couldn't just relax into what was a really good relationship. It's the first time in my life I've ever felt really loved, and safe. Sorry, guys. It's been a difficult weekend somehow, and I'm just waiting to be able to start feeling better about my life.
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