TheseWounds Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) There is a female friend one mine whom I would really like to help, so I shall give a bit of background. She has been in three relationships in the past, and she tells me that although it was only three people over time, it is enough to make her feel like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was always the one taking care of the persons that she had feelings for, and it was never acknowledged that she was hurting. It has been about 4 months since the breakup with her last boyfriend. She says that she went years from boyfriend-to-boyfriend, and she remains detached for now (she hasn't said exactly why, but I'm trying to find out), so I am going to do my best to help her. Now, she says she plans to stay single for a while and look for someone to marry. I mention this because she happened to contact me right after this happened, and she said that it was her bad timing that made her admit to that she didn't want to '"lead me on" (as she said). She remains detached, and she says that she is not in this (with me) for being romantic, because it never works out for her. Now, the problem is that not only is she detached from being romantic for the time being, but that she is very, very distant from people all together right now, including myself. Another thing that I want to throw in is that we've had the opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum experiences with people, kind of. I've never had much interaction with others, and she describes herself as being 'exposed', compared to me (because she's dated and what not). Even though we have had opposite experiences, we still both have the same problem, which is just people doing things that they shouldn't to others, and we both feel deeply about it. Perhaps the opposites attract thing is true in some ways? I'm thinking that perhaps we could both help each other more than ever because of the opposite-thing I was speaking of. I really want to help her in any way that I can, so I'm here to get advice. I've already taken it upon myself to be the absolute best guy that I can for her -- to show her that someone is finally here to help her (no matter what happens), and I'm seriously going to do anything in my power to help her in her time of feeling very 'blank'. Besides being the best guy that I can, which will happen regardless, is there anything else that I can do for her? I want to talk it out with her, but I'm afraid to bring it up in a way, because I don't want to 'put her on the spot', so to speak. I've let her know that I'm here for her, and she knows now that she's met someone that she can rely on. I know that she has maybe had thoughts of me being involved with her for romantic purposes, but I am here for her regardless, and as of right now, I don't care about that. I want to go about this in the best way that I can since I'm a guy, and I'm not quite sure what to do because of it. The poor thing is heartbroken, and I hate to see this happen to her =/ Why is she like this, and what can I do? Edited March 19, 2008 by TheseWounds
LuCidiTy Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) at this moment i'm in a situation very similar to the one your friend is in. i too have a guy friend who'd pretty much been my only ear and confidant through the entire span of my last, sad relationship...he knows the whole story and is still hearing about it the lingering aftereffects. i pour my heart out to him, sometimes i'm afraid almost selfishly so. the thing is, right after the bf and i decided to back off, take a break, whatever, my guy friend said a few things that alarmed me...not the standard things like he's nuts for letting you go, but things like he started calling me gorgeous and making plans for dinner and even hinted that he'd be glad to handle the physical side of what i might be missing when i jokingly said i should find some stranger and hook up. overall, i got the sensed he was sort of waiting in the wings to pick me up, biding his time until i was "over" my bf. right or wrong, that's how i perceived it, and it both 1.) pissed me off that he was being so transparent and insensitive at a difficult time, opportunistically predatory, and 2.) made me realize that i had to say something fast to him to make it clear i was not available in anyway and would not be for a very long time. now i'm not saying this might be true in your case. only you would know how you may have meant some of the things you've said in supporting and being there for her, and only you know your true intentions. however, her perceptions of something might be totally the opposite. on the other hand, this may just be exactly how she feels...detached from everyone and everything and very reluctant to even contemplate at this point handing her heart to or trusting someone for a very long time. what you can do is be a friend and be honest, and maybe if any of the above sounds familiar, just talk it out with her...and back off a little if need be. continue being supportive, understanding, and there for her through her rants and raves if she has those like i do, and try to figure out when she just needs to vent with no feedback and when she actually wants your opinion...same as with any other friend going through a rough time. Edited March 19, 2008 by LuCidiTy
Author TheseWounds Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Thank you very much for the reply. She said that she didn't want to lead me on because she isn't ready for commitment. She mentioned that she knows I'm here for her regardless -- here to stay, and I know she is grateful for that. I still want to clear up everything -- if there's confusion on her part (no way... a confused woman!??) and let her know that I'm not in this for the romantic stuff either. I spotted that we both need friends, and I'm going to do my best to take care of her in that way, because she needs it. Now... the only thing to do is just wait around for her because she's hard to get in touch with. I'll make sure to clear this up once and for all.
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