maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) I was in a relationship for 11 years. He didn't propose by the time I told him to so I left. The xmas following my deadline he had gotten me a diamond ring (see my first ever post if you want background) but didn't propose. We are now in talks again. I want him back. It has been 5 months since I have seen him and it was 2 months NC before I came to this conclusion. I know now that I love him & acknowledge and chose to accept and love his flaws. It may be a bad idea, but I don't fully think so if we both acknowledge where we went wrong and work to fix those things. My life will go on regardless of whether he comes back to me or not (I moved 600 miles away). I can't help but wear the 'non-engagement' ring on my left hand, it makes me feel closer to him (inspite of the complete devastation I felt when it was given to me as a xmas present and not and engagement ring) . I love to look at it. I love to imagine the security I would feel if it were an actual engagement ring (mind you- it would be the exact same ring- just with an intention behind it). Why? Go ahead & tear me apart. I need other perspectives. Edited March 19, 2008 by maynicholas
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I was in a relationship for 11 years. He didn't propose by the time I told him to so I left. . Another "entitled" clueless woman who thinks that it is OK to leave an LTR because " he didn't propose when I TOLD him to ." TOLD HIM TO ?? Lady you do not get to TELL any man to do anything like this . It is good manners to wait until you are ASKED. YOur self-centeredness has backfired and you have gotten what you deserved. Work harder at making yourself a more feminine woman and you MIGHT get him to AGREE to marry you - one day !
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Another "entitled" clueless woman who thinks that it is OK to leave an LTR because " he didn't propose when I TOLD him to ." TOLD HIM TO ?? Lady you do not get to TELL any man to do anything like this . It is good manners to wait until you are ASKED. YOur self-centeredness has backfired and you have gotten what you deserved. Work harder at making yourself a more feminine woman and you MIGHT get him to AGREE to marry you - one day ! By me saying 'when I told him to' was me acknowledging my fault in the situation. As for being more feminine- not sure what you mean by that. Could you clarify your definition please? I consider myself to be feminine. I have great hygene, I wear dresses, perfume, make up, tried to cook, & cleaned our home... Yes, there were entitlement issues. I figured that after 11 years I was entitled to an answer of whether or not he would marry me. He wasn't ready to make that call.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I believe that the initial 5 years were enough to say that he was never going to marry you in the first. How can a person settle for 11 years of dating without taking it a step further unless he really had no intentions to do it in the first place. Men don't ask for much and from his point of view he felt contented with everything in his life. My guess is he has his own life, a gf ( you), a job, and a place to live. He fell into the comfort zone of knowing everything were in their right places, and a simple routine carried itself for 11 years straight. He had no desire for further changes. Pressuring him on the other hand got you nowhere. Men hate to be given ultimatums, they'd rather run away like cowards from a battle than having to face the choices given. Because none of the choices are what they had wanted in the first place. I'm sorry you wasted 11 years of your life, but the one mistake was giving an ultimatum where it was never going to bring about the results you wanted.
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Well now that we are so far apart, and the fact that I get that I shouldn't have pushed so hard- I have a new approach. I let him know that I have decided that I want to be with him and that I am willing to wait. I told him that my life will go on regardless, but that if he decides he wants to be with me- the invitation is still open. We speak daily and I say nothing about it (except for when I have been drinking and can't help but drop hints that I need to get laid ).
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) By me saying 'when I told him to' was me acknowledging my fault in the situation. . OK, I do not usually counsel women but perhaps with my guidance you can be saved. YOu say that the way you phrased your post ( "I told him to marry me ...and so on ) was you way of acknowledging your fault in the situation. What "fault" precisely are we dealing with here ? YOur pushiness ? Have you sat down with him ,face to face,and acknowledged and confessed your blunders? Have you truly 'owned' any inappropriate behavior and asked for his understanding and forgiveness. Until you do this your relationship cannot be repaired and he will stay detached. Edited March 19, 2008 by AussieJack
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) Yes, I have said that out loud to him. I acknowedged that I pushed too hard & that my constant nagging couldn't have helped our situation. But remember, there are two parties here. I asked him to acknowledge that he had some faults himself. 1 Ex. His favorite band just happened to be on tour in our area around my bday every year. Every year he would take me to the concert as my present. I hate concerts (and not a fan of this band). He knows this. I asked that the compromise be that we go to the concert (because he is going anyway- with or without me- and I would suggest he go without me, but he had no one else to go with, so I was his default choice because he didn't want to go alone)- but plan a day or evening of something I would like to do as my present. Edited March 19, 2008 by maynicholas
underpants Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 11 years. Geez. I dunno May. I am not the marrying type. However, I would just have to tell that bozo to come and get me, if he wants me...and mean it. Otherwise it is more of the same, no? I guess you have to ask yourself what you are truly willing to settle for and what it is that you truly want? Mutually exclusive or not. Suggest that he do the same.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Well now that we are so far apart, and the fact that I get that I shouldn't have pushed so hard- I have a new approach. I let him know that I have decided that I want to be with him and that I am willing to wait. I told him that my life will go on regardless, but that if he decides he wants to be with me- the invitation is still open. We speak daily and I say nothing about it (except for when I have been drinking and can't help but drop hints that I need to get laid ). You shouldn't have done that either. You have now made it clear that you're still attached, and he knows he has got you tied down. The way you laid down the options for him, are not playing it out in your favor. He's not clearly anyone that you'll want to have as a life time partner anyways. You shouldn't have extended your "invitation" it makes you clingy, and he knows he can push and pull you anytime he wants without any consequences. My opinion? NC now and move on. He has to realize that you can move on without him in your life and he might come to regret his "decision" of not proposing to you in the first place.
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Yes, I have said that out loud to him. But remember, there are two parties here. I acknowedged that I pushed too hard. And I asked him to admit that he had some faults himself. WRONG _WRONG_ WRONG !! When you apologize, and offer regret and remorse, it is about YOU admitting your blunders - you only stop talking at the point when you have unburdened every thoughts and feeling about what YOU did wrong - You do not get to then demand that he also confess and admit his errors like some "bad shyte exchange" process . Confession is about YOU unburdening your guilt and shame -it is not a bartering of individual or mutual sins. Doing that immediately leads to scorekeeping and keeping "tally" and I BET that you are an expert at that ain't you, honey. You got a'ways to go yet.
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Well at this point that is exactly the situation. I'm not going anywhere. When I moved here there was talk that he would eventually join me. If we do get back together it will of course be exclusive. But as I said, I've moved, so my life moves on regardless. I just know that I am sure now that I want him to be a part of it (I moved here 8 months ago).
underpants Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Maybe this is crazy? Can you propose to him? Then if he waffles (again) you will know for sure and can really move on?
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 He has to realize that you can move on without him in your life and he might come to regret his "decision" of not proposing to you in the first place. He does not have to "realize" anything of the kind. HE has detached because she gave him an ultimatum. He hold the cards because SHE wants to be with him more that he wants to be with her. AussieJack says "The person who needs the other least has the most power in a relationship." His willingness to let her go shows this principle at work.
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 No, I won't propose to him. That's not my style. Aussie- what do you think I should do now? I don't keep score, I just know that the relationship won't ever work if we aren't both completely honest about which parts weren't working on both sides. Paper- you think I should return to NC? What about just not calling and seeing how much initiative he takes?
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Don't forget Aussie- I moved away and let him go. He was hurt and pissed for a while. Perhaps now the tables have turned.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Don't forget Aussie- I moved away and let him go. He was hurt and pissed for a while. Perhaps now the tables have turned. When you let him go, you let him GO. That means moving on. You should take a break. The LDR is definitely not working at this point if he's not in the bit interested in showing any effort of getting you back. I can't comprehend the emotional ordeal you're in right now, but you're definitely crashing I bet. I really don't think there's any hope for this relationship to even rekindle its flames. It's gone beyond the point of saving. Like Aussie Jack said, you played your cards but ultimately you handed your hand over to your bf and he's now in control of the situation. You're attached. Your ex knows it. He knows he can continue to string you along. If your ex hasn't done anything now, he never will. NEVER. He knows he can get away with anything because you had made it especially clear to him. Have you tried dating other people? I think you need to stop thinking about your ex, and start focusing on other things. Stop putting your life on hold just because he can't make up his mind whether he was full committment or not. That's bull. And you're not gonna let yourself be subjected to that.
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) I officially ended it in October (we tried LDR-I left in July- but I thought I should give myself a fair shot at starting over- he was upset and wanted me to give him more time), I dated other people, didn't speak to him- or even think about him for 2 months. Then in late December/ January I realized how much I missed him. I got back in touch with him at the end of January (after giving myself time to really make sure it wasn't a PMS type hormonal/ emotional lapse). He was totally taken aback and confused. He told me he had been upset for a long time, but wanted to respect my decision and not contact me. We have been slowly rebuiling contact ever since. At first it was once every couple of weeks, now we are at the point where we speak 3-4 times a week and text almost daily. What does this mean? Edited March 19, 2008 by maynicholas
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 If your ex hasn't done anything now, he never will. NEVER. He knows he can get away with anything because you had made it especially clear to him. PaperCutieXXX is missing some points here. She is trying to mind-read a man - that is impossible for a woman to do .Women know about how women think, NOT men. Men understand other men . Firstly he is not "trying to get away with anything " - he certainly has the upper hand but there is nothing in these posts that indicate that he is trying to exploit the OP or act in an inappropriate way. HE has detached somewhat because he found her aggressive attitude off-putting . MOst good men would also not buckle to a woman's demands. Wanting to get married after 11 years is certainly OK .NO problem, BUT if you give a man an ultimatum hoping that he will rush down to a jewelry store and buy THE ring , then this tactic will usually fail -as it did in this case. NOt only did she not get the ring , she lost her R/ship with the guy whom she now wants back. Wanting marriage is fine, but the way she went about getting it is not. SEcondly he gave her a ring as a Christmas gift - not as an engagement statement. BY doing so HE is telling her that her still wants to be connected to her but NOT as her fiance. The OP really only has two choices- either move on and find someone else OR 'wait and hope' that the B/f changes his mind and she can make an honest man of him. PLease girls - no ultimatums to men like this. They are self-defeating .
underpants Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 PLease girls - no ultimatums to men like this. They are self-defeating . Actually, that is my gut feeling. However, like I said, I'm not the marrying type so there is that. I think if a man wants you then nothing will stop him form getting you. Games are not necessay. They only breed resentment/disappointment down the line.
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 We have been slowly rebuiling contact ever since. At first it was once every couple of weeks, now we are at the point where we speak 3-4 times a week and text almost daily. What does this mean? It means that you have a chance of fixing the damage. Don't blow it a second time. YOu want my advice ? Forget marriage for the moment and go back to to being the woman whom he first met. That is the woman whom he fell for . I am curious? What is your profession? What does he do ?
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I think if a man wants you then nothing will stop him form getting you. Games are not necessay. They only breed resentment/disappointment down the line. GOLDEN WORDS !
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) I had a career in the entertainment industry which I hated and am now persuing a PhD in another field. He has a job that is just a job, not a career (his words). He wants to be a musician. I am making sure not to put any pressure on him this time around. If he comes to me I want it to be purely his decision, not one that he was pressured into. I can only imagine if he choses to return to me, he will still know that I am a woman who wants marriage (even when I never mention it). Would a man make that association? Any more words of wisdom? Edited March 19, 2008 by maynicholas
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 PaperCutieXXX is missing some points here. She is trying to mind-read a man - that is impossible for a woman to do .Women know about how women think, NOT men. Men understand other men . Firstly he is not "trying to get away with anything " - he certainly has the upper hand but there is nothing in these posts that indicate that he is trying to exploit the OP or act in an inappropriate way. HE has detached somewhat because he found her aggressive attitude off-putting . MOst good men would also not buckle to a woman's demands. h Wanting to get married after 11 years is certainly OK .NO problem, BUT if you give a man an ultimatum hoping that he will rush down to a jewelry store and buy THE ring , then this tactic will usually fail -as it did in this case. NOt only did she not get the ring , she lost her R/ship with the guy whom she now wants back. Wanting marriage is fine, but the way she went about getting it is not. SEcondly he gave her a ring as a Christmas gift - not as an engagement statement. BY doing so HE is telling her that her still wants to be connected to her but NOT as her fiance. The OP really only has two choices- either move on and find someone else OR 'wait and hope' that the B/f changes his mind and she can make an honest man of him. PLease girls - no ultimatums to men like this. They are self-defeating . Yes, I understand that her use of ultimatums had dissolved the whole relationship, but she was frustrated at his lack of committment for marriage. She's frustrated that she gave him 11 years of her life in the hopes that she'll get married. She wasn't selfish for wanting what she wanted, but the way she went about getting was. I really don't see the point in OP continuing on getting any results from the whole thing. The BF will not change his mind until he truly WANTS to get married, and there is no time limit as when he'll finally come to his decision. I truly recommend that OP find someone else to cherish, but because she has resumed contact with ex, she's becoming emotionally involved again. The point of the matter is OP will have to suffer intense heartache should she choose to continue to wait for him.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I had a career in the entertainment industry which I hated and am now persuing a PhD in another field. He has a job that is just a job, not a career (his words). He wants to be a musician. I am making sure not to put any pressure on him this time around. If he comes to me I want it to be purely his decision, not one that he was pressured into. I can only imagine if he choses to return to me, he will still know that I am a woman who wants marriage (even when I never mention it). Would a man make that association? Any more words of wisdom? I think you've made it more than clear that you would want marriage in the future. If you really want to reconcile with him, then follow AussieJack's advice and become the woman you once was. Let your boyfriend experience again the feelings he had for the woman he fell in love with.
Author maynicholas Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Oh that girl was a 19 year old fire cracker. Since I've been on my own again, I'd say I've become more of a 30 year old set of fireworks . In all seriousness though, this time apart has really given me perspective- not on the relationship, but on myself. It's funny to meet a whole new set of people who see in you the person you forgot you were. -In a good way.
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