Tonight feels kinda okay...

[sedgwick]

I just learned an entire advanced choreography (I just started taking advanced classes with this very tough dance teacher) in an evening. I have to perform it Saturday night, and I thought there was no way I could do it. But I did, I am, whatever. As I was walking out, a dancer who's been studying with this teacher for a long time turned to me and said, "You're a badass."

 

Today I was talking to a friend who had just seen his first bellydance performance (not me, someone else) and he said, "She could move her hips really fast and keep her upper body totally still!" And I realized that that's totally easy for me, but looks difficult to other people. And it IS difficult -- I remember how long it took me to learn. The piece I'm doing Saturday night is bellydance mixed with hip-hop, and I remember the first time I saw someone do that and I thought, there is no way I will EVER get there. So now, after a year and a half of bellydance/hip-hop fusion classes -- I'm there. I can shimmy AND I can pop and lock, heh.

 

So why, as I walked out of the studio, did my mind turn back to him, back to how he doesn't love me? Why did I fall right back into those thoughts of, "Oh well, it doesn't matter, it's not old-time music, it's really not that big a deal?" And why do I, as a dancer, let a guy who can't even bend over and touch his toes tell me that what he does is harder and more impressive than what I do? (Not that he ever said those words, but I mean, he dumped me for not being a musician. That's pretty much a giant slam on everything I DO know how to do.) I mean, I am a 36-year-old woman who can do a back walkover. There's gotta be something to be said for that.

 

Why do I go in to do my gigs, and see our set lists, and remember seeing his set lists and how cool I thought they were, how they intimidated me? I would look at those sheets of songs and think, wow, he knows how to play all those songs by heart. I'd sit at his rehearsals and be impressed by how hard and how much he rehearsed. BUT I DO THAT TOO, it's just that my instrument is my body and not a big piece of wood with strings.

 

I have rehearsal every night this week, and a performance this weekend, and last week was the same, and here I am discounting it because it's not old-time music so it must not be as hard. I am so tired of fighting with this part of my brain that tells me that being able to keep a shimmy going with my lower body while popping and locking with my upper body is somehow easier than playing the bass. I know for a fact that learning one of this teacher's advanced choreographies is really really hard, and here I've gone and done it and now I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't mean anything because it's not the effin' FIDDLE.

 

So, I tell myself, okay, let's just say that playing the bass IS harder than bellydance. So if the bellydancer is also making a movie, writing a book, and creating her own knitting and crochet patterns, THEN does that equal the difficulty and impressiveness of playing the bass?

 

No matter how much I accomplish, he's never going to speak to me again. He's either forgotten I exist or he hates me. But dammit, *I* enjoy what I do. And I want to think that a room full of chicks shaking their asses in unison is at least as cool as a room full of guys with beards playing banjos.

Edited March 19, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

way, way cooler!

 

i'm so very glad it feels okay. get used to it cuz it's going to happen more often. i swear, sedgewick...i've only just met you here, but it sure seems to me he wasn't worthy of you. nowhere near.

[sedgwick]

Thank you...I appreciate you saying that. But I'm so in love with him, and he won't have me, won't even speak to me, and it hurts so much. I mean, he really did just wake up one morning and walk out, and that was the last time I ever saw him. And the reason I was given was that I'm not an old-time fiddle player.

 

Sigh...this is just all so surreal. I sort of keep waiting for him to come to his senses and come back, but it would seem he doesn't plan on doing that. It would seem he really does intend to just ignore me. Thus, all I can imagine is that he either hates me or he's just having a grand old time and not thinking of me at all.

[LuCidiTy]

Yeah. I know. Hey, off-the-wall question for ya. Does he somehow know how much you're missing him and how destroyed you are by this? Are there mutual friends who might be telling him? What I'm getting at is that something or someone could be sabotaging this without you knowing it.

 

And again, this dude seems pretty shallow to base his entire wish list on some fiddle thing. Did you love that about him?!

[underpants]

Hey Sedge,

 

I've read here and there and you seem to be getting through that tunnel.

 

I truly believe that you are going to be better then okay, given some time and distance. Also with reconnecting with yourself, as you are currently doing.

 

Of course you loved him. Sadly, he is ...just who he is and that would be...(an idiot). A patterned idiot if I recall correctly? I mean really, who breaks up with someone because they don't have a specific creative skill set? Short sighted to say the least. He will probably (like my long ago self absorbed (yet deep and sensitive ex) wind up tormented over his own choice after you have distanced yourself far away from the silliness of it all.

 

You are going to evolve out of this so much better. I promise.

[sedgwick]

I didn't KNOW that about him! I mean, I knew he was obsessive, but he actually used to say to people, "My girlfriend's a tattooed bellydancer," like that was something to be proud of. When I would meet his friends for the first time, they would always say, "Oh, you're the bellydancer." (His friends also told me he talked about me all the time.)

 

Anyway, the chronology is this:

 

1. He dumps me. That week I talk to the two of his female friends to whom I have become the closest, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. One of them says, "He's hurting a lot, but he feels like he needs to be single." The other says, "What he did was bull**** and you two need to talk."

 

2. He sends me a few stupid how-ya-doin' text messages and calls me within the next week. His text messages are like something you'd send to your mom. Like, "The weather's nice, this music festival is cool." Then he calls me and I tell him not to call me unless he wants to get back together and hang up on him.

 

3. I run into his friend on the street. This friend asks how my ex is, and I realize he doesn't know we broke up. I tell him, and he says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and I say, "I really love him," and he says, "This doesn't make you any less awesome." Which is kind of weird.

 

4. A month later I decide I do want to talk to him. I sent him a text and tell him so. He texts back immediately (he was always kind of bad about texting, so this is a big deal) and says, "I would love to talk." The next day he calls me from his phone to say the phone is dying but he's going to borrow someone else's to call me back and he wants me to know it's him.

 

5. We talk. He tells me he loves me. He tells me a girl flirted with him at a festival and he didn't do anything. He says that he wants to spend more time on the road (he's already killing himself doing it 8 months out of the year), so we can't be together, but he can "absolutely" imagine his future with me in it and he wants to still "be close" to me. I ask if he wants to see me when he's home at the end of the month and his response is, "I could be into that."

 

6. We go another two weeks without talking. I don't talk to any of his friends during this time. He comes home for two days and doesn't call me. I send him a text to say hi and ask if he feels like talking, and he calls me that night. He is a total ass, very cold, telling me he can't believe that I don't know things change, and he knows how much I love him but he's not interested in being with anybody. I ask him why he didn't call and he says, "I'm just in town for two days. I can't go calling everybody." The very last thing I say to him is, "I love you unconditionally, always."

 

7. Two weeks later I am sending an email to my brother and also trying to delete the ex's email address from my contacts, and I end up CCing the ex on the email. It's all about computer tech stuff, and I call my brother by name and refer to taking a trip to our hometown to visit. I don't contact the ex to apologize.

 

8. I block his email, phone, and myspace page. It remains this way from early Sept to mid-Jan. In mid-Nov I send him a text and tell him that my book is due the 15th of Jan, and not to call me before then, but that I'd like to talk to him after that if he'd like to talk to me. I signed it, "I love you unconditionally, always. I told the truth."

 

9. No call, no contact of any sort from either of us. Unblock him Jan 15. He doesn't contact me.

 

10. I send an email to one of his friends in Feb (a different friend, the only one I kept as a myspace friend), and I tell him that I love the ex more than I've ever loved anyone, and to please, if my ex needs it, feed him a sandwich and remind him there's someone out here who really loves him. I asked the friend not to write back because it still hurt too much.

 

That's the end of it!

Edited March 19, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

ugh

 

i don't know why, but after reading that, i'm still getting the feeling, as strange sense, that something or someone is blocking you guys, keeping you from seeing each other or talking. some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication.

 

it just really doesn't make sense. and damn i think you guys really do need to talk.

 

what if you showed up at one of his shows in another place looking killer and happy and happy to see him? what do you think would happen? sounds like something i'd try if i cared this much and nothing else seemed to make sense. but only if i was strong enough to face whatever consequences that might bring.

[sedgwick]

I would not be able to see him without sobbing in a puddle on the floor. If he was with someone else, I couldn't take it. I don't want to know.

 

I feel very, very strongly that the next contact has to come from him. I can't take any more rejection. I tried to contact him and he didn't respond.

 

What do you mean when you say something is blocking us from talking? Like what?

[strife]

Sed, I think you've made it clear enough how you feel and you're right that the next contact should come from him. You have to protect yourself.

 

Glad you're really starting to see what the rest of us see - You're HOT STUFF! Bellydancing, hip hop, book, forgiving, intelligent comments... you have no idea how often I say "Wow!" at my computer. It is VERY impressive. If you ever forget, come back and read your own post.

[LuCidiTy]

I would not be able to see him without sobbing in a puddle on the floor. If he was with someone else, I couldn't take it. I don't want to know.

 

I feel very, very strongly that the next contact has to come from him. I can't take any more rejection. I tried to contact him and he didn't respond.

 

What do you mean when you say something is blocking us from talking? Like what?

 

I don't know what it is. Just an odd feeling I get after reading some of your posts (recent ones) and the timeline that there's something more to this. Something you might not be aware of.

 

Sorry if I missed some with the part about you believing the contact should come from him. Didn't mean to be insensitive with this suggestion.

[sedgwick]

You mean like another woman?

[LuCidiTy]

no. not that way. but it's not impossible that another woman (or man or circumstance) blocked something between you either intentionally or unintentionally. sorry to sound weird, but so much of this just doesn't make too much sense otherwise and that thought just keeps creeping in.

[PinkRibbon]

I am thinking there is another woman. I mean it just sounds like it. There is nothing mysterious about this. He dumped you and hasn't looked back. Why??? It just seems to make more sense than "I don't play the fiddle". That sounds like a lame excuse on his part. Honestly sedge it sounds like he has moved on and it is possible there is another woman. You gave him opportunity to contact you and he did not responde. And if there is no other woman than he just doesn't want to have contact with you.

 

Hard to accept I know because I am going through alot of the same things you are but please stop blaming yourself. You are an awesome person and you may want him and love him but who is wanting and loving you? Don't you want to feel the rush of having someone adore you? Don't you want to be someone's belly dancing goddess?

 

I will love my husband forever and always despite all he has done and he still won't talk to me. BUT I want someone to love me as much as I love them. Don't you?

 

And you have a book, a talent, friends, a skill and a uber cool life. You're not strapped down to the house in debt with 3 children and nothing to look forward to in the future. You have at least a future. Think about the wonderful things in your life you do have and quit think about the thing you don't.

[stlnsmile]

I swear sedg, it sounds like my story.....I know I'm only 17....and first love, but let me tell you.....I'm a dancer too, and he was an athlete, and he just could not see how hard what I do is. He thought it was cool, but not like a sport. He said he was proud of me, but in the end he wasn't.

 

He has not spoken to me since the break up......but I can tell you what is getting in the way of my ex.....his parents. You can not understand what it is like to love someone who is told he is not allowed to love you and manipulated by a mom who is sick. I can not explain everything......but I know what is true in my own case, and I know he has been forced to make some of the decisions he did. Mostly he caved because of guilt. He was young, just as I am, and it is hard to pull away from your family, expecially when your mom is sick, to follow your own love/path.

 

So I just related to you as a dancer and having someone not understand that dancing is a sport, see if anyone you know can contourt their body the way that you or I can.......I go to a stretch class with a really tough instructor who makes us do planks for 4-5 minutes at a time, my full time athlete ex could only hold his body in a plank for about 30 seconds to a minute. People just do not understand what it takes to be a dancer.

 

I relate to you, and even though I am young, I just want to say that I understand. I miss my ex too, but he does not love me.......with us, its that simple. I can not make him love me, I can not force him to want me, I can never understand how he could lie for so long.......I mean I guess what I am saying is I know I will never understand. At least you have had some limited contact....I have had none, except for an occasional hand wave in the hall at school......I mean he never even missed our friendship or wanted to speak to me in anyway. I guess in the end....its for the best, for me.....It allowed me to let go, as much as I could, and move on as much as I could. I'm not 100 percent done with this, I don't know if I ever will be, but the NC helped a lot.

 

I don't know what to say to you sedge, so much advice is not helpful. Its hard to let go of those you care about so deeply. But I always remind myself, in my case, that if he loved me, really loved me, there would be no mystery, he just would, it is not some complex lapse of sanity that made him make his decision, he knew what he wanted. And while I want to make excuses for him.....he did it because of this or that or this pressure or that.....in the end, even if his parents forced or whatever, it was his choice to leave me. I loved him with all of my heart, I did....I would have given anything for him. But I'm not going to make excuses for him. If you love someone you are there for them no matter what. My parents have been through the worst stuff, loosing a baby, loosing parents, loosing brothers and sisters, and still they love each other.

 

I don't know sedge, I don't know if this is helping at all, I just know that for me to move on in my life, I have to stop making excuses for him. He is responsible for his behaviour and his feelings. If he loved me, he would be here, expecially now after all of this time. He's had more than enough time to figure out a bit of confusion. I think we make too many excuses for the people we love. What happened to their part in it? What happened to their responsibility in it. When did it become okay for him to do a diservice to me? Love is always caring for the other persons heart......I cared for his......he did not care for mine. So I don't know if this helps at all. I just know for me, it is time to move on past someone so sick and so hurtful, to hopefully someone who will care for my heart like it was a treasure, that he never wants to hurt or do anything wrong to. My mom and I talked so much about this, and she said the one thing my dad always does is care about her heart. He would never want to hurt her, and never would. He would do anything to avoid hurting my mom. I hope someday I can find a man just like my dad.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Sedg,

 

Hugs to you! I'm glad that you are feeling a little bit better about yourself. That's what it sounds like from your post. Out of curiosity (you don't have to answer if you don't want to), I would like to ask how many years you have been taking belly dancing classes! It sounds as if you are extremely advanced. Cheers to your for that. I have always wanted to learn how to belly dance. My sis took a beginners class and loved it. I am thinking about taking one as well! What type of class do you recommend? I don't want anything real new-age like...I want the real belly dance style.

 

Anyway, good luck with these new classes and with your movie! Wow! That's incredibly impressive! I can't imagine being able to direct a movie. I'm always very intrigued by your adventures. For instance, when you went to Mexico, I was very curious about this. Best of luck to you in your several different life endeavors! =) You're posts really inspire me to try different activities and see where they take me. You are very courageous.

[Walking away]

Sedg...

 

I took a bellydancing class. LOVED it!

 

You inspire me to keep doing it!

[sedgwick]

Hello all! Somehow I missed the replies...I'm sorry!

 

YES, it is hard to be a dancer, dammit! Very much so. I daresay it takes just as much skill to layer an undulation over a shimmy as it does to slap a bass around. You have to be STRONG to dance and do yoga. It took me forever to learn how to do a good plank. And plank to chaturanga, rolling through to upward dog, keeping your thighs off the ground? Hell, that took me at least 2.5 years of regular practice.

 

Now, as for what style bellydance: I do tribal fusion. You can see some examples of this if you go to youtube and look up Unmata, Sera Solstice, Sharon Kihara, Rachel Brice, and the Barbary Coast All-Stars (just a few of my favorites.)

 

American Tribal Style bellydance (ATS) is the predecessor for the kind of dance I do. Companies to look at for examples of traditional ATS are Fat Chance and Gypsy Caravan. It's all about the turbans.

 

Cabaret bellydance is what most people think of when they think of bellydance -- jangly coins, veils, snakes, trays of candles on the head, skimpy costumes. Totally and completely different from what I do with the exception of fundamental moves (undulations and shimmies, for example.)

 

I have been dancing for four years. Not that long, really. But I started and I got OBSESSED, and I've taken classes religiously since then. About a year ago I started dancing with a company. I was simultaneously in another company for about six months, but then I decided I wanted to run off to Mexico and I had to quit.

 

Tonight I had a performance (two in a row, actually) and people kept coming up to me afterwards and saying, "You smile so much! Everybody else looks so serious, but you look like you're so happy to be there." I said, "I am." There's nothing in my world that makes me happier than bellydance.

[sedgwick]

Here is one of my fave performances ever: