If love from family is not provided, is it wrong to want to find it elsewhere?

[TheseWounds]

Let's just say that I'm a person that has secrets, and needs to get them out anonymously, so it will be on the internet. It's about family, and partially about relationships.

 

 

 

I'm a male, and I've chosen to remain a single virgin until I find that 'special someone'. I'm 22 years old.

 

 

Family life has been either very rough, or nonexistent for me. I've always went without, in just about most contexts that you can think of. Abuse of all kinds were had by me from family, and if there wasn't abuse, there was neglect. After 22 years of this, I find myself in a hole and I don't know where my life is going.

 

Isolation has become normality for me, and in the meantime of it, I've educated myself (like you wouldn't believe), I've become a musician, I've looked into various subjects of my own interests, and I consider myself an all around intelligent and clever person. Not to brag too much, but I think it's amazing that I've done all that I have with nothing. All that I have has been built by me, from nothing. I've given myself a lot. The extreme isolation started about 10 years ago, but before then, it was a little less since I did have school and everything (and ohhh man is school another big story...).

 

 

 

I do have biological parents of course, but I don't necessarily consider them 'family', because this is something that has to be earned. I'm thinking that this was not earned, judging from the way I was treated, or wasn't treated, for that matter.

 

 

Basically, support in most ways was never given to me, and I've had to fight all of this on my own. Which brings me to this.

 

 

 

Seeing as I haven't been given much by anyone, I think that it is very important for me to find love someday. I haven't been able to have this from family because of the circumstances above, so I'm thinking that finding love (in a romantic sense) is something that is almost necessary for me. I think that I do deserve, and need something like this, considering all that I've been through. Not only this though -- take into consideration that I have a lot to give that I haven't seen given, in a romantic context.

 

In fact, partially -- the reason I've chosen to remain a single virgin for this long is because I'm afraid of heartache and running into a wrongdoer, because I've had enough of that in my life already. If I can't find something very serious -- something that I need, then I choose to stay away at all costs, because I know that I am quite a fragile person (given circumstances).

 

 

 

Something else that bothers me is this.

 

 

Since I haven't had the support that most have had, I've went without, and I am not one who has been able to go to college and have a career (yet...). I have a very big fear of being judged -- having others look at me for what I don't have, rather than what I do have, which is something that I personally consider more valuable than any superficial possession. I think it will take quite the special person to see past all of this and love me for what I have to give, and not what was not given to me (it wasn't my choice). I hope to find her someday.

 

 

 

 

I've been a very lonely person in every way, and I think that finding the L-word in a romantic sense will help me. I believe that I will make it in all aspects of life, because if I've held up for this long, I'm sure I can hold up longer. Perhaps when I do have the help that I need (L-word), the part of me that has went without will be in a state of repose and I will improve all around.

 

 

It's been tough to hold up for this long. I've always been one to hurt, and I've had to take this hurt on my own, alone. I wish to finally have some kind of relief. I think it's time.

 

 

 

 

I welcome any thoughts, and any advice on any of the above.

Edited March 19, 2008 by TheseWounds

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

How can anyone love you if they don't know who you are?

 

Expecting people to work so hard to find out the real you and love you when you are closing yourself in is an expectation that can never (or hardly ever) be met.

 

Because of your issues, have you had therapy to deal with childhood abuse?

 

I also think its brilliant that you have taught yourself new skills and abilities in the face of adversity

[blind_otter]

Have you had counseling for the abuse and neglect?

 

I ask this because you may be seeking a partner to fill an emotional void that already exists in your heart. Regardless of what you may think, growing up with abuse and emotional and physical neglect can have subtle longterm effects on an individual in terms of how they connect with other people. You know that you are already a fragile person, and to be honest - love is tough. It hurts, sometimes. People will do things without thinking that can really hurt you - and they don't always do these things intentionally.

 

IME, just from personal experience - you cannot seek out a relationship seeking for someone to give you what you need. You need to be whole, yourself, and find a partner who is complementary to you, who adds to your life and makes your experience richer. You cannot ask another person to fill a void inside of you.

[NotKelly]

I am female but I was around your age and feeling the EXACT SAME WAY and I found what I thought was true love at age 23... and spent the next 15 years of my life in a relationship that was very bad for me. Not abusive but just emotionally dysfunctional. yeah, he was my first boyfriend and needless to say my first and only sex partner. Now that's over and guess what? I have even MORE trouble trusting people, in many ways I feel back to square one.

 

You might not like the answer I give... but to be alone is the natural state of life. It's something that everyone finds out on their deathbed. And it scares most people to death. That's because they never had to face it...

 

Now that does not mean you don't deserve to have fun and support - and that may come in the form of a girlfriend, sooner or later. However it sounds like to me you need to set smaller goals having to do with your lack of trust. Maybe seeing a counselor is one of those.

 

I will never understand why people (men or women) who are virgins are so made fun of... in the majority of cases it's because there are deep seated trust issues. I didn't even have any real friends when I was growing up and I have no idea why, I just didn't feel comfortable around ANYONE. Then I found "Mister Right" and guess what... he was Mister Wrong. And it took me years and years (and therapy) to even realize how much he was holding me back.

 

I don't know if I'm going to have a "real life" now at my advanced age... but for now I am just enjoying being alone again. good luck to you - self-possession is a precious thing, don't sell it short.

[TheseWounds]

How can anyone love you if they don't know who you are?

 

Expecting people to work so hard to find out the real you and love you when you are closing yourself in is an expectation that can never (or hardly ever) be met.

 

Because of your issues, have you had therapy to deal with childhood abuse?

 

I also think its brilliant that you have taught yourself new skills and abilities in the face of adversity

 

Actually... Lately -- a recent acquaintance, I just completely unloaded on someone because I was just dying for someone to know me. It seems that when someone doesn't make effort to know me, I try to let them know me by just completely unloading on them. I try my best to let others know who I am inside and out, but I haven't had many that want to expel all of this from me.

 

I've had a bit of therapy and I've been on medication, but it didn't help very much. I'm still making progress on my own and I'm getting better. My best bet is to keep working hard on myself and bettering myself as much as I can.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Actually... Lately -- a recent acquaintance, I just completely unloaded on someone because I was just dying for someone to know me. It seems that when someone doesn't make effort to know me, I try to let them know me by just completely unloading on them. I try my best to let others know who I am inside and out, but I haven't had many that want to expel all of this from me.

 

I've had a bit of therapy and I've been on medication, but it didn't help very much. I'm still making progress on my own and I'm getting better. My best bet is to keep working hard on myself and bettering myself as much as I can.

 

I agree with bettering yourself, isn't that what our path in life is about anyway?

 

Unloading yourself is for therapy, for you to get to know yourself and your issues so you become ready to deal with them. Unloading can put a lot of "responsibility" on an aquaintance and they may not have the necessary tools to support you which could lead to rejection...that's something that could put you even further back in your search to share your life with someone.

 

Put yourself in anothers shoes..if they came to you and unloaded all of their problems onto you, you would try to help, right? But that doesn't necessarily mean you would feel love for that person.

 

I think its a hard thing to do, but defining yourself by your problems is not going to attract someone. All of the great things about you attract them, which makes it great that you are bettering yourself. The darker parts of us are accepted by those that love us but the attraction has got to be in our great assets that we attract them in the first place. Am I making sense?