Mr_Wind_Up_Bird Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Has anyone else here experienced a spouse who suddenly left you without warning--in what you thought was an otherwise stable, happy marriage? Conversely, has anyone here been the spouse who abruptly left? And for both groups, what was the outcome of your situation? --- Here’s my story: I met my wife almost 9 years ago when we were both college undergrads. The clichés about “love at first sight” definitely apply to me. I was totally crazy about her the first time I saw her in my class, but I never approached her because I just assumed that someone that good looking wouldn’t want anything to do with me. But as the weeks passed she began to pursue me. I should mention here that she grew up in another country, and I think one of the things that attracted her to me initially was the fact that I had lived in her county myself for several years, and I could speak her native language. These bi-cultural sensibilities really drew us closer together, we seemed to have a profoundly deep connection. We’d mix languages, we had the same cultural reference points, I could cook the kinds of foods that she grew up with. And the sex was good. Not just good, but amazingly good. Better than any partner I had previously had. The more I was around her, the more deeply in love I feel. People talk about how over time, the intensity with which you love someone fades. I never felt that way. Everyday I was with her, I loved her more and more. Another thing worth mentioning, is that she had previously lived with (and been engaged to) two other guys. She also had a number of other boyfriends in her past, and I had had a number of other relationships (a few long-term live-in type), prior to meeting her. In a way I thought this was pretty good for both of us, we had both experienced what else was out there in the world, we had dated other people, we had some experience. After about a year of her staying over at my apartment more and more, we officially moved into together and got a new place. And with that, we went forward, building a life together. About a year into this arrangement I caught her cheating on me. We had the usual blow-up, we cried, yelled, and forgave each other, and moved forward, still in love. As the years went on we traveled the world, moved back to her home country for a while where I proposed to her on top of a famous mountain that we spent 11 hours climbing. We moved back, we got married, I went to grad school, she went to law school. Things weren’t always great. Once and a while we would quarrel about her on-again-off-smoking, but ultimately it wasn’t a big deal to me. Mostly things were really spectacularly great. We always laughed around each other, we held hands everywhere we went, friends, neighbors, and family would always comment on how close we were together. We bought a house, we called each other several times a day, we left each other little love notes around the house, we went camping, we bought each other spectacular birthday presents, I cooked for her, and every night I held her tight and went to sleep being amazed at how lucky I was to have her. In our 7th year together we moved to a new city. She actually moved there a month before me while I finished up my job, and sold the house. When I finally joined her in the new city, I discovered (via the trusty computer) that she had cheated on me again with some random guy that she met on a phone chat line. And then I discovered more. Apparently she had been cheating on me throughout our relationship. Not with one, or two, or even three guys. With lots of guys. With total strangers. When her mom had a stroke earlier in our marriage, my wife flew overseas to be with her, and apparently ended up hooking up with some guys almost twice her age who she found on the internet while she was there. She had sex with strangers in cars. As you can imagine, my life pretty much fell apart with the more I discovered, and the more she revealed. Again we cried, and yelled, and tried to figure out what to do. She told me to take the money from selling our old house and to just disappear—to leave her and go start a new life for myself somewhere. But I didn’t. In spite of everything, I loved her. Her behavior just didn’t add up to me. I secretly tracked down some of the guys she had been with, just to see what they were like. And, strangely most of them were kind of gross. Old, ugly, with pathetic personalities. It didn’t fit. They weren’t the kind of guys that you would cheat on your husband with. And yet she did. During all of this she also revealed to me that she had cheated on every guy she had ever been with, and that was the reason why her previous two engagements failed. Given everything that had happened in this new city, I didn’t think it was a healthy place for either of us to stay. I asked her to leave with me, and to go to another new city, somewhere where we could both get a fresh start, where neither of us knew anybody, and where we could both figure all of this out. She started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous, but quit soon because most of the other people in attendance were men, which I can understand. I started my own business, and I helped her establish her own private law firm. And after about two years things seemed better than ever. It seemed like she had grown, and put a lot of her weird behavior behind her. Her business started to really take off, and I was more proud of her than ever. I began to feel like we were closer than ever. We began talking about kids. We started looking for some land to purchase. We made plans for new trips around the world. I honestly couldn’t believe how much we had overcome. And then last August it all happened again. Except this time it was worse. She came home from an out-of-town weekend--supposedly at her girlfriend’s. She was smoking again. She was crying. She suddenly had all sorts of questions about our future together. At first I didn’t know what was happening. I tried to calm her down, and reassure her. And then a few days later the phone rang late at night. It was another guy asking her to come over. She left, and hasn’t come back since. And that is the long story of my marriage. It’s still such a mystery to me. She was (and is) the most complex person I’ve ever known. Despite growing up with a lot of money, she had a rough childhood—molestation, a dunk and abusive father, a mentally ill mother, an autistic younger brother, aunts and uncles who threaten each other with knifes and burn each others houses down. And on top of that she was a child celebrity in her home country…she was on TV, in a musical group, and had done some modeling. All of which her mother pushed her into. I can’t imagine what she’s been through. And yet, she’s profoundly intelligent—one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. Profoundly intelligent, except for this one inner demon that she can’t control. So now she’s out there, living a new life with a younger guy—an uneducated single father, one of those guys who wears gold chains and refers to women as “bitches.” Her and I have talked a few times about taxes, and bills, and what not, but never about “us.” I want to give her here space, and the time to figure things out. But it isn’t easy. We’re still married, and occasionally I’ll get an email from her that she signs with something like “I love will love you forever,” or “I miss you, everything about you.” I think about her every day. I miss her constantly. And she knows all of this, because I’ve told her in a number of emails. My heart aches. And I wonder what will happen, how I should proceed, and whether she will ever come back. I wonder if it's a fear of commitment or commitmentphobia sort of thing, but who knows—there seems to be a larger sexual component to all of this as well. And on top of everything else I worry constantly about money know, and moving forward financially as a newly single person. When all of this happened, I fell apart, and consequently my business fell apart. To be blunt, I’m broke, and I don’t know what to do now. I’ve looked through the other posts here, but I haven’t seen much else that is similar to my situation. Other than a certain weird novel (coincidently from my wife’s home country) I’ve never even heard of someone in a similar marriage. If you’ve been through something like this, I’d be really interested in hearing from you. Thanks in advance (and sorry for the long post).
norajane Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I haven't been in your situation, but I can say that you cannot have a strong, healthy relationship with someone who isn't strong and healthy to begin with. And it sounds like she was never healthy, based on her childhood/family/abuse issues. She needs some significant counseling and a will to become healthy before she can ever be with anyone and be faithful and content. She needs to lover herself before she can fully give her love - and ACCEPT someone else's love. I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice. I'd say start figuring out what you need to do to get your life on track without her. Perhaps you can start by selling the house and looking for a job - that at least will get you on your feet financially so you can focus on the rest of your life. And you might want to look into therapy for yourself. Some therapists allow payment on a sliding scale. All her years of cheating must have been devastating to you as well. Those are bitter pills to swallow and do very bad things to your self-esteem and your outlook on life. Depression is a killer, so don't let it become that for you. Good luck to you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 To say that you view her and your marriage to her through rose-colored glasses would be putting it mildly. You seem almost delusional when you ask this question: Has anyone else here experienced a spouse who suddenly left you without warning--in what you thought was an otherwise stable, happy marriage? By the time she left you, she had cheated multiple times (that you know of) with strangers on several continents. How is that a "happy, stable marriage" ? As norajane said, your wife (regardless of her beauty or intelligence) is damaged goods. She seems truly sociopathic in terms of how little regard she has for the effect of her actions on you, emotionally or physically. You can't love someone that, for whatever reason, can't love you back. An important step in moving on (and dealing with your other problems) is being realistic about what you're leaving behind. You need to stop rationalizing and making excuses for your wife's conduct. Ongoing betrayal, cheating and lying are not the qualities of a good person. You're lucky you got out alive... Mr. Lucky
jmargel Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Sounds like she's in-love with being in-love, or at least feeling accepted. She didn't get that much as a child, however at least that part was fulfilled when she was a small celebrity in her town. Now she has to find that need somewhere else. She needs major counseling, this is something you won't fix. You also need to get yourself checked for STDs. Don't give her a soft place to land, don't be there for all her 'needs' when she is acting the way she is. You have made life too easy for her. This isn't about you, but issues deep within' her. Unfortunetly she didn't tell you about her problem when she first met you. She has turned into a mentally and emotionally abusive person because of her mental illiness. Honestly I doubt you would ever have a 'normal' relationship with her. The years of counseling that she requires to even get her to a half-normal state would drain you emotionally at the least. You need to decide on what you want with your life, knowing that it will never be as you want it, as long as you are with her. Do you want to spend your life chasing and holding onto something that will not be there all the time? Are you really getting what you need out of this marriage/relationship with her? At what point do you just let go and wish her the best? You can only recommend counseling to her, however I believe it's time that you need time to heal your own wounds and allow yourself to move on to someone who can compliment and better treat you.
Author Mr_Wind_Up_Bird Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Thanks for the feedback thus far. Regarding your comments Mr. Lucky…no, I’m not under any illusions about her behavior. My point was that throughout most of our years together there were no outward signs that she was leading this double life. If I’d known about everything she was doing, while she was doing it, our relationship would have taken a very different course a long time ago. Most of this stuff only came out later on, and when it did she put a lot of sincere effort into getting her life together—going to a therapist, going to SAA meetings, talking to me honestly about what she’d been doing. All of it her own doing, and I spent a several years secretly watching her like a hawk. It was right about the point when I started to trust her, when she seemed like she had gotten over the big hurdles, that’s when things fell apart all over again. But that aside, you and Norajane are correct, I need to focus on rebuilding my own life and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m staying in the house (her and I own it outright), so that will have to be figured out later, depending on if I ever hear from her again or not. But I love it here. I have an amazing garden and I keep bees in the back yard. This, and the help of some crappy minimum wage jobs are the only things that have kept me going lately. I guess my bigger, more universal question (not that anyone has the answer), is just how these situations resolve themselves? Do people like this ever resolve their inner problems? JMargel…As it is, I’ve let her go. I don’t really have any day-to-day contact with her anymore. I’m not chasing her, but I do worry about her. I’ve seen her car around the city, and it’s been in several accidents since she left. It’s just sad to watch. And, yes, I’ve been tested for STDs, no problem there. You’ve said that you think she is mentally ill, and I tend to agree. Yet I also think we (as a society, not just me as her husband) have a responsibility to people like that, to help people who don’t know to help themselves. If she was a schizophrenic, I would have a duty to take her somewhere and get it treated. But in this situation, it’s precisely because I’m her husband that I can’t help her, and I have to let her go. As it is she doesn’t have much of a family anymore, at least none in this country. She’s drifting, and there is nobody in her life that knows her and knows what’s going on. There is no one else who will intervene. She treated me like crap, yes, but in the grand scheme of things I do love her, and I do want her to get her life straightened out—even if she has to do it without me.
jmargel Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I also think we (as a society, not just me as her husband) have a responsibility to people like that, to help people who don’t know to help themselves Yes, but if she doesn't want the help then no amount of trying will help her. She has to hit rock bottom for her to 'wake up'. Unfortunately alot of times it's too late then. These guys that are with her, they are unaware just as you were when you met her. They will be dragged through the mud until the next guy comes along. Eventually she will try to come back to you, the best thing you can do is offer tough love, and let her know that she's not welcomed back. Encourage her to goto counseling. It's hard to lose someone like this when you put such an investment into them. It's like she's dead, but physically she is still there. I would look up the five stages of grief, it's something that you could be going through.
Sevenmack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I feel bad for you Mr_Wind_It_Up; it's not your fault that your wife is behaving like an ******* who also has a mental illness. And that's what she is: An ******* who would have still cheated on you with multiple men anyway, but just has the mental illness to serve as a crutch. She doesn't admit the mental illness because she knows it exists and it gives her an excuse for dishonorable behavior; if she went to counseling and got herself together, she'd then have to atone for her actions and admit to herself that she's an *******. And even if she got counseling, it probably won't stop or excuse her ******* behavior. She's cheat on you even without the mental illness and she'd disrespect you anyway, whether sick or not. It's not about the mental illness so much as it is about your wife being someone who has little in the way of good character. And with all the risks she brings to your life, it's better that you let her go and move on.
Habibti Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 "Regarding your comments Mr. Lucky…no, I’m not under any illusions about her behavior. My point was that throughout most of our years together there were no outward signs that she was leading this double life. If I’d known about everything she was doing, while she was doing it, our relationship would have taken a very different course a long time ago. " But you DID know, you knew she was an unfaithful person before you even proposed to her, there is a difference between seeing no red flags and moving forward, and seeing red flags and moving forward regardless because you're afraid of what being strong means.She showed some red flags and yet you decided to deny yourself a faithful and loving partner so you could continue on some fantasy ride with this woman until eventually (as usually always happens at one point or another) the sh*t hit the fan and you were no longer able to play naive and didn't know any better about the matter. I wouldn't doubt you are very distracted by her beauty and sexual prowess and you tend to build up her other attributes based on those few qualities alone. I am sorry that things ended this way for you, but now do you see there is a reason for not putting up with bullcrap early on in your relationship before you're years into it and it becomes an even far more grudgulent thing to mull over? Live and learn, that's what they say but what will you choose to do? Will you choose to live in a bubble where you refuse to see any reality because the truth hurts so much? Or will you let the truth hurt, learn and move forward so you don't repeat this mistake in your future?
Mz. Pixie Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It could be possible that she is bipolar. They often times act out sexually with strangers. Many of the sufferers have been molested, abused and have mental illness in their family history. They are often times very intelligent and driven to succeed. Just a thought. If she is bipolar she would first have to seek treatment- which I don't think she's going to do. Then she'd have to get medicated and stay that way- which is often a struggle for them. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.............
BetrayedMM Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It could be possible that she is bipolar. They often times act out sexually with strangers. Many of the sufferers have been molested, abused and have mental illness in their family history. They are often times very intelligent and driven to succeed. Just a thought. If she is bipolar she would first have to seek treatment- which I don't think she's going to do. Then she'd have to get medicated and stay that way- which is often a struggle for them. I'm sorry you're experiencing this............. Couldn't have put it better myself! WOW! Listen, first, LET HER GO! SHE"S POISON! I'm dead serious. Next, IF she's bipolar, and I mean IF, look into a little over the counter concoction called Lithium Orotate. Google it. It is cheap, legal, harmless, and it stabilizes bipolar I better that any of the crap that's currently being marketed by pharmaceutical companies. It's not yet FDA approved for treatment of ANYTHING, but what it does is allow the body to much better absorb the element Lithium, so a very low dose is all that's necessary, as opposed to the toxic levels of more traditional Lithium Prescriptions. And, avoiding side effects. You can take it yourself, and it actually helps stabilize YOUR mood swings (I tried it myself, I am in a similar situation, so I KNOW there are mood swings!), but on a bipolar it's like a miracle! My vile and disgusting STBX has rapid cycling bipolar I. (and she's a slut, but that's another story) It's horrible. She has tried EVERY treatment there is, nothing but Lithium worked at all, ALL had side effects, but if the Lithium levels get too high... it can be fatal , as in dead. So, It's damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. Well, recently she got her pathetic ass back on lithium again, and my daughter found a link about Lithium Orotate, forwarded it to me. I read up quite a bit on it, called our doctor, and we decided it was worth a shot. To make a VERY long story short, it works so much better than prescription Lithium it's like a sick joke, thinking about how much misery and horse**** could have been avoided if we had ever heard about it. So, it's now as if she's no longer Bipolar. Almost a different person altogether.I still can't trust her, can no longer tolerate her presence, she's outta here, and will be served her hard earned divorce papers in about 3 weeks. Why? Similar OTHER issues, like early childhood trauma and coming from a Jerry Springer background also contribute to her being a slut. It is what she IS. Well, I don't want what she IS. Romantic love is NOT unconditional. It can be destroyed. And here I thought MY situation was screwed up! WOW! How much crap are you willing to take? Listen, I COMPLETELY understand your pain. I feel for you. But- WAKE UP! OPEN YOUR EYES! You probably will in time.
BetrayedMM Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Wow, I just read that, came across pretty bitter. I gotta stop posting right after she calls! Sorry bout that, I should be MUCH more supportive. Just blowin' off steam, mad at myself for the similarities of our mistakes... if that makes sense. When you're ready to let go, you will. Hang in there.
Author Mr_Wind_Up_Bird Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Thank you to everyone who has been responding. I really appreciate all of your comments. I guess one thing I should clarify is that I’m not exactly sitting here, hanging on, begging her to come back. Yeah, I’m a doormat, but even I have my limits. Yes, I’m still in love with her, but that’s not exactly a conscious decision. It just is what it is. Time will tell what happens with those feelings. The fact is that for the most part I actively try to avoid her, and what she’s doing with her life. Mostly these days I just work on things around the house, tend to my bees, and play the guitar. I’m trying to stay busy so I don’t have to think about it so much. Today I finally landed a halfway decent job with the County, it’s only temp work, but at least it’s a foot in the door, so I’m feeling grateful towards the universe today! Anyway, my larger question, the one that is really perplexing to me, both out of curiosity and for emotional reasons is this: What happens to people like her? I mean it’s easy to get away with this kind of crazy crap now, while she’s still fairly young. But what is the long-term prognosis for people like this? Where do they go? How do they manage this kind of behavior as they progress through life? It seems to me that at some point a person who behaves like this will run into something bad. Really bad. And that, in spite of everything, really scares me. Has anyone ever encountered a person like this? Did they ever wake up one day and pull themselves together? Or did they just fade away? Or worse?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I’ve seen her car around the city, and it’s been in several accidents since she left. It’s just sad to watch. This is what I mean, Mr. WUB, about wearing blinders. Sexual addiction doesn't cause car accidents. Has to be something else ( substance abuse?) and I have have a hard time believing that it started only after she left. She sounds toxic and I hope you can continue to separate reality from the emotional connection you felt with her... Mr. Lucky
Author Mr_Wind_Up_Bird Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 Yeah, there's drugs too. She's always smoked a little dope. After she left I happen to know that her intake increased exponentially. I guess they call it "chronic" for a reason, huh? Really, I don't feel like I'm wearing blinders. I see her for what she is, a messed up person. That doesn't make it any less sad. Anyway just as sex addiction doesn't cause car accidents, cannabis doesn't cause promiscuity. There's some bigger monster in there somewhere.
Darth Vader Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I would cover my Butt if I were you, get a separate account, protect your assets, including your home, and talk to a Lawyer about getting your home, ask your lawyer about going for abandonment, and divorce this woman and move on with your life! If this woman's into drugs, it could come back to bite you, and you could/would even lose your home over this! Protect yourself now!
Mz. Pixie Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 This is what I mean, Mr. WUB, about wearing blinders. Sexual addiction doesn't cause car accidents. Has to be something else ( substance abuse?) and I have have a hard time believing that it started only after she left. She sounds toxic and I hope you can continue to separate reality from the emotional connection you felt with her... Mr. Lucky Yeah I missed this part about the car accidents the first time. That's another thing that smacks at bipolar disorder. When manic they often times exhibit dangerous behaviors- driving too fast or erratically is one of them. Long term?? If she stayed medicated she could lead a normal life. She also needs counseling- big time. If she did those things and actively worked on her issues she could go on to be productive. If not, she's set to bounce around from man to man for the rest of her life. That being said, there is disease for her to worry about- as well as meeting some stranger who is crazy who could end up hurting her.
Recommended Posts