Wants to be friends but won't speak to me? !

[Sfbaygirl415]

So I was dating this guy for a short time. It seems like it's been longer due to the fact that we spoke all day long everyday and it was physically and emotionally intense.

 

Anyhow, so one day he got upset with me over the dumbest thing. He wanted me to stay the night and I left in the middle of the night. I needed to be there for my kids in the morning. Since this infamous day, he kept saying he couldn't trust me and couldn't believe that I'd just leave him in the middle of the night (I wasn't rude about it, I called him the next morning). We still continued to see eachother and just recently he said we could never have a relationship because we weren't meant to be as a couple. He sure continued to act and reap all the benefits of a couple but said he wanted to be friends. The last time I saw him I agreed to be friends.. yet we had a hot and steamy night together. The next day he began to be distant. For the following two days after that, he wouldn't speak to me unless I initiated the conversation and even then he was distant.

 

I gave up on initiating the conversation and now it's been a week since I last spoke to him. He ignored my last text messages and IM's. So my question is.. why agree to be friends if you're planning on ignoring someone? Why not just break it off completely? And it's not about him wanting friends with benefits otherwise he'd be calling me.. but he's not. He's down right ignoring me. I've been trying to move on with my life but am having a hard time. It would be different if I had closure or had my questions answered.. but everything is unclear and I don't know what to think or do. PLEASE HELP.

 

Another thing, I saw him post online once looking for a love interest. Since then, he's posted twice looking for friendships. Could it be that he's confused and can't bring himself to talk to me? Otherwise, wouldn't he continue to look for love interests online? This is so unlike him too.. he's always been upfront and honest. If he wanted me to go away, I'm sure he would've told me. Instead he said we should be friends.. I'm so confused!

[Wheetabix]

Hello. He has no intentions of being your "friend", however, Im sure he will call you again when he needs to reap the rewards of a couple. He knows exactly what he is doing and you are feeding right into it. There's nothing confusing about his behavior?!?! He just doesnt wanna be a complete a**hole and tell you the truth cuz then that would mean having to actually talk to you.

 

There's this saying : Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

 

Move on and get yourself someone that deserves your company.

 

Take Care

[LuCidiTy]

Gotta love some peoples' definitions of friends, eh?

[sedgwick]

All I can say is MINE DID THE SAME THING. Told me when he dumped me that he couldn't imagine his life without me in it, that he still wanted to be close to me, etc. And then stopped speaking to me.

 

I don't have any answers, but you're NOT the only woman this has happened to. I hope you can at least take some comfort in that.

Edited March 19, 2008 by sedgwick

[Trialbyfire]

This is the confrontation avoidance technique. There are three reasons for this. It keeps someone on the backburner in case they made a mistake, potential future couples benefits and the ability to avoid a full-blown confrontation of breakup.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Sedgwick.. sorry to hear that this happened to you too. Did he ever contact you back at all? Did he ever try to come back to reap any "benefits"? Just curious...

 

Trial.. you're absolutely right, he hates drama and confrontations, so I guess this is his way of dealing with it. At the same time, it's so unfair that he's stringing me along making me think we're friends. Yet at the same time, he won't even add me to his dumb myspace anymore and won't speak to me.. BUT.. he still has some of my things at his place. What? Does he think I'll eventually come begging and having my things will be a reason for me to go to him!? Ha.. if that's what he thinks.. I have news for him.. he can keep my stuff cuz I'm not coming for it! Not that long ago I forgot my earrings at his place and he kept saying I had to go over there to pick them up. He's been known to ignore me in the past too.. then after a few days.. I'd contact him.. he'd be find.. and then he'd be wanting to see me again. Awww.. arrgh.. I'm so much better than this! And to think I thought he'd be more mature than this cuz he's 40.

 

Like the saying say.. age is just a number!

 

Thanks for listening and responding everyone..

[Trialbyfire]

BUT.. he still has some of my things at his place.

You're letting him dictate...everything. If you want your things, go get them. Never let him see you sweat. Dispassionate disinterest is the worst kind of revenge.

[Sfbaygirl415]

You really think I'm letting him control me? Hmm.. well, I'm trying to put a stop to that, but going over to his place will be doing exactly what he wants me to do. I don't want to give him that satisfaction. It's like a double edged sword.. if I don't go.. I'm letting him dictate everything. If I do go, he'll be getting the reaction he wants from me. I'm so confused now.

 

Last time we spoke, he had found one of my things but couldn't find the second thing I left behind. I would hate to have to contact him to ask him for my things back only to let him string me along again and say that he hasn't found the 2nd item yet. See what I'm saying? I figured it's better to cut my losses and walk away. What do you think?

[carhill]

Dispassionate disinterest is the worst kind of revenge.

 

Oh god, you're good

 

I call it an indifferent silence sandwich.

 

Yes, OP, unless those things are worth many, many dollars or family heirlooms, consider the money you spend to replace them to be the cost of Relationship U.

 

A man's character is defined by his actions. If my wife left tomorrow, I'd merely say what and where do you want the movers to deliver the stuff. I'm constantly amazed how immature some guys are. Stuff is so non-important. Yes, walk away.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Thanks Carhill..

 

I was pondering all this while I'm supposed to be working (I know.. I'm very distracted). I remembered an old relationship where I had this happen before. I had borrowed a movie from a friend and then let the boyfriend borrow it (that was bad of me.. I know). Anyhow.. after the break up, I kept trying to contact him asking him for the movie. I even gave him the option of giving it to a mutual friend. I never got a response from him. All that made me feel worse, it made me more angry, and in the end I never got the movie back.

 

So here's the thing, why give the guy another opportunity to treat me like crap and ignore me? Why give him that power? That's why I think it's better for him to keep my things.. he can have them as a token.. a reminder of the great woman that he's never going to have again! You're right carhill.. the items are not valuable or heirlooms or anything. If they were, then the circumstances would be different. Thanks for understanding.

[Trialbyfire]

You have to decide what works best for you. For myself, if I valued those things, I would find a day where he was definitely at home, drive there with no advance notice and walk into his place like I owned it and then get my stuff myself. Anything I couldn't find, I would shrug and tell him to forward it, if he felt like it, otherwise toss it.

 

I think you can smell the control factor in this. You've now dictated to him what you want. If he sends it, he's doing your bidding. If he throws it out, he's doing your bidding.

 

If he contacts you in future, to find out what you want him to do with your stuff, you ignore him because he didn't do your bidding.

 

Heel, boy...

[Sfbaygirl415]

The good thing is that the things I left behind are not valuable. The other thing is, I don't know for certain what days he'd be home for sure. He has kids so his schedule can vary. His kids are sometimes at the house and I wouldn't know if and when they'd be there. The last thing I want to do is cause drama or make a big scene. For me, I think the best thing to do is just let go completely.

 

I've been having a hard time letting go, I was holding on to the last bit of hope I had. Now I see that I deserve so much better and my time is precious.. I shouldn't waste it.

[Sfbaygirl415]

He lives an hour away from me too. Gas isn't cheap.. and I don't think he's worth my time, energy, or gas.. LOL

[Trialbyfire]

Good! You've made your decision to address this in the way that makes sense for you. You're one step closer to moving on. Keep in mind that you'll probably do a little cycling, in that you'll have ups and downs of wanting him back and then kicking yourself for feeling that way. It's perfectly normal. As long as it doesn't stop you from moving ahead, don't beat yourself too much for it. Good luck.

[Sfbaygirl415]

There's one thing I observed that I forgot to mention. In the past, when he's been upset, he's always needed some time to cool off. Most of the time he'd set his IM to invisible. Even though someone's set to invisible, there's ways of knowing still if someone is online. Anyhow, he's not talking to me anymore but he hasn't set himself to invisible. I find that very interesting. I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to contact him or what. Like I said before, if he is.. he's going to be waiting an eternity because I'm not going to give into his game.

 

Anyhow, I thought this was an interesting observation and wondered why he'd do such a thing. Oh well.

[mortensorchid]

This guy is not your friend in any way, shape or form. Your kids come first, and he's selfish to not recognize that.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Ok.. so I've been browsing the site and have come across postings that talk about emotionally unavailable men. Someone mentioned a book called Men Who Can't Love. I started looking into this book and came to the sad conclusion that the guy I was seeing is one of these emotionally unavailable guys! To some extend I felt comforted, I knew all along the problem didn't lie with me.. but seeing it in the book only confirmed it even more.

 

Anyhow.. one thing I'm not sure about is.. can an emotional available person have a deep and intimate relationship and then turn into an emotionally unavailable person? maybe they turn this way because of a past break up or due to their childhood.. who knows? I'm sure the answer to this is yes.. people aren't just born emotionally unavailable right?

 

So here's what I'm wondering.. the guy I was seeing came out of a long marriage. He was single but dated here and there for about 7 years. He finally met this woman who he fell madly in love with. They dated for about 1/2 year. A year past.. and that's when he met me. So now I'm thinking that the break up with the ex turned him into this emotionally unavailable person. The last time I saw him, things were great and we had a wonderful night together. Then all of a sudden he was distant and I stopped contacting him. It's been about two weeks now since I've spoken to him. I'm already moving on with my life, it hasn't been easy because I keep thinking about this ex bf. I know the problem lies with him.. and I'm practically 100% sure that he's one of the emotionally unav. guys mentioned in the book.

 

I don't know why.. but I'm even tempted to contact the ex gf just to find out if she thinks he's emotionally unav. I'm sure you'll all think it's a bad mistake to want to do this.. but I can't help it. I'm tempted to email her.

 

Thanks for listening.. any suggestions? feedback?

[carhill]

I can't speak for other men, but I'm emotionally unavailable when I'm in a committed, healthy relationship; by that I mean intimately emotionally unavailable to other women. Therein lies the crux of the decay of a relationship. In my case, becoming available emotionally was a process and I didn't realize it had happened for quite some time, months in fact. After I did and discussed it with my wife, we proceeded to MC where we've been working on that and other issues for the last six months. My moral code keeps me ethically bound to the relationship, but I'm sure the emotional availability is noticed. Sounds more like a woman, eh?

 

Our psychologist says, generally (my case is an exception), in healthy relationships, men develop emotional availability and express intimacy through sex, and this then permeates other aspects of their relationship.

 

Some men are unable to have healthy intimate relationships or have generally disassociated their emotions from relationships. If your BF was once emotionally engaged with you (that's different from "everything going great"), that usually doesn't end overnight. Your description of his behavior sounds more to me like a logical thought process, as in "I want, therefore this is the method, but, then, now I don't want so I move on". I don't know if you were in there at all (your needs, wants, etc). Only your intuition can tell you.

 

I just wasted about 10 minutes more than you should analyzing your relationship

 

Personally, I would not contact his ex GF. There really is no need. Truthfully, it's not about him, so don't make it about him.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Hi Carhill...

 

Thanks for sharing.. and for spending the time analyzing.

 

You asked if he was emotionally available to me before and the answer is yes. Actually, in the beginning, he was the one who was soooo into me and was once near tears when I didn't contact him for 2 days (I was on vacation with my kids). He chased me for so long even when we were supposed to be just "friends". He admitted we were more than friends but said he couldn't see us in a relationship.

 

Anyhow, I'm finally feeling better. I'm finally able to go through my days without thinking about him so much. In regards to the ex gf.. I don't think I'll contact her.. it's tempting.. but even if I did, what purpose would that serve? Things are what they are and I think I'm ok with it now... I've finally accepted it. I know the day will come where he'll probably contact me again and wonder how I'm doing. By then.. I will have completely moved on and have much more strength in me to continue walking away. Similar things have happened to me in other relationships (unfortunately). They've always come back crawling.. then I'd give them the time of day and go through all the emotions again only to end up empty handed and broken hearted all over again. I know better now.. it's not easy.. but I know better to protect myself and be smart.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Sorry.. but I need to vent.

 

I'm not sure why I still look at his myspace page.. it's been almost 2 weeks since I stopped talking to him and already he's trying to or is hooking up with another woman. Get this, she has twins just like me! She seems like a really nice woman who has been through a lot.. apparently her man left her pregnant. Anyhow.. he's probably going to toy with this girls feelings too and leave her out to hang dry also.. that makes me angry. Not only that.. but he told me he could't turn his feelings off like a faucet but he's already out there on the prowl. I know I said I'm moving on but it hurts to see that kind of crap. I'm not sure why I tortured myself this morning by looking at his damn page. I stopped looking at it a long time ago. Aaargh.. I'm just really angry and hurt right now. :mad:

 

There I was being the nice and patient friend.. he probably stopped talking to me cuz he was talking to her. And here I was like an idiot thinking that I'd give him some space.. he probably doesn't give a crap about me and yet I wasted so much time and energy.. and so many tears on that idiot! Makes me want to say something to that girl.. but I won't. Oh... and one other interesting observation.. he has a pic of his ex on his page. When I brought it to his attention he gave me some crap excuse saying she was part of his past and his past makes him what he is today. Get this.. the damn picture is gone now! Aaaargh..

Edited March 24, 2008 by Sfbaygirl415