WILLIS47 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. 1-I dont date somebody SOLEY on their looks, they can be good looking but still be terrible as far as sense of humor, maturity and common courtesy and I wont have anything to do with them. 2-I am not setting a double standard, I take care of myself and I am attracted to women that do the same. But I just wanted to get someones take on it, to see if I am not being fair but I figure it is better to not lead someone on if I am not attracted to them.
tkgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. 1-I dont date somebody SOLEY on their looks, they can be good looking but still be terrible as far as sense of humor, maturity and common courtesy and I wont have anything to do with them. 2-I am not setting a double standard, I take care of myself and I am attracted to women that do the same. But I just wanted to get someones take on it, to see if I am not being fair but I figure it is better to not lead someone on if I am not attracted to them. based on those two criteria you just mentioned, I would say no, you are not a jerk... you just have standards and there's nothing wrong with that! in fact, I would say I have similar standards as well and I don't think I'm a jerk... maybe a BE*och sometimes... but definitely not a jerk!
AussieJack Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. You have been exposed to what is possibly the most shabby of feminine tactics. It is called "shaming" , The feminists LOVE this tactic and most modern women will resort to it in a nanosecond when they cannot get their own way.. "SHAMING" is a control and power move - its purpose is to make you cringe be being ASHAMED of being firm ,or taking a stand that did not please her . The tactic is usually followed with another subtle or overt threat to withdraw her affection or withhold sex. IT is a female contrivance which is deployed by women who are addicted to power over men . Soldiers , stand firm against this attack on your manliness. Just walk away without a word.
jeanniebeanni Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 your not a jerk.... DONT EVEN START to think that. if every one had standerds there wouldnt be as many teen pregnansys... i think it is good to have standerds... i think its cool that SOME guys actualy take care of themselfs...
Prodigal Princess Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 It seems to me that you're asking a rhetorical question. No one wants to go out with someone unattractive, and you also shouldn't feel obliged to beat around the bush when rejecting people.
2sunny Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. 1-I dont date somebody SOLEY on their looks, they can be good looking but still be terrible as far as sense of humor, maturity and common courtesy and I wont have anything to do with them. 2-I am not setting a double standard, I take care of myself and I am attracted to women that do the same. But I just wanted to get someones take on it, to see if I am not being fair but I figure it is better to not lead someone on if I am not attracted to them. in reference to #1: the word soley is in caps... let's say the person you are considering dating is not physically attractive but has other important qualities that make them attractive to you... however you are hell bent on the idea that their physicality does not meet your usual standards... that would seem shallow to me. more so cutting off your nose to spite your face (as the saying goes). i am not saying you are a jerk - maybe just weighing too heavily on appearances. in #2: if you are so rigid in your requirements you may end up spending your years to come on your own. attraction to someone does not necessarily cover the scope of how attractive they are physically. double standard??? who's to say that you are attractive to others - we all have our own unique guidelines for that. i wouldn't begin to assume that folks i meet find me attractive - that (i like to think) comes in knowing me inside and out. when a man is initially attracted to me i am skeptical due to the fact that he really knows nothing about me. btw - i have no idea if you are male or female - but it really makes no difference...
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. 1-I dont date somebody SOLEY on their looks, they can be good looking but still be terrible as far as sense of humor, maturity and common courtesy and I wont have anything to do with them. 2-I am not setting a double standard, I take care of myself and I am attracted to women that do the same. But I just wanted to get someones take on it, to see if I am not being fair but I figure it is better to not lead someone on if I am not attracted to them. Hmmmm. Do your #1 and #2 address why you've been called shallow? It's my experience that when someone is consistently and repeatedly labeled by many different people over a period of years as having a certain behavior or attitude, there is usually some truth to it.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Sorry, I may have communicated poorly, let me put it this way I do not base a potential GF soley on looks, I want the total package and I am not the type of person to settle for less, and the reason that I have been called a jerk about it is that I am not so superficial that I dont associate with women that are unattractive, I just wont date them, an yes everyone has a different pespective on what is or is not attractive, but women whom I am just friends with often try and no matter how many advances are made I deny until I am a jerk because I am not attracted to them. THe reason for the post is that someone that I considered a good friend wont talk to me anymore because I guess she had alterior motives.
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Sorry, I may have communicated poorly, let me put it this way I do not base a potential GF soley on looks, I want the total package and I am not the type of person to settle for less, and the reason that I have been called a jerk about it is that I am not so superficial that I dont associate with women that are unattractive, I just wont date them, an yes everyone has a different pespective on what is or is not attractive, but women whom I am just friends with often try and no matter how many advances are made I deny until I am a jerk because I am not attracted to them. THe reason for the post is that someone that I considered a good friend wont talk to me anymore because I guess she had alterior motives. Sorry, but it still feels as though there is something missing here. Why do you have to be a jerk (in your words) in order to tell a woman friend that you do not aspire to more? Is this something that has happened once or is this a repeated pattern? Could it be that you signal to these women that you are interested and then pull back in such a way that leads them to think you are a jerk? Or do you say something hurtful in your turn-down? While no one likes hearing that s/he is not attractive to someone else(particularly to someone else we are attracted to ourselves), most people won't think someone is a jerk for politely declining... unless s/he truly was a jerk in doing so!
sweetbutcheeky Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Based on those 2 I would say no, but there must be some other reason why you have been called shallow or a jerk.
DanielMadr Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 You have been exposed to what is possibly the most shabby of feminine tactics. It is called "shaming" , The feminists LOVE this tactic and most modern women will resort to it in a nanosecond when they cannot get their own way.. "SHAMING" is a control and power move - its purpose is to make you cringe be being ASHAMED of being firm ,or taking a stand that did not please her . The tactic is usually followed with another subtle or overt threat to withdraw her affection or withhold sex. IT is a female contrivance which is deployed by women who are addicted to power over men . Soldiers , stand firm against this attack on your manliness. Just walk away without a word. SHAMING....I like that term. I always called it "Going for my balls". Its nasty psyops tactic. Im glad it has been identified, named and hopefully one day it wont be so common to use it.
DanielMadr Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 however you are hell bent on the idea that their physicality does not meet your usual standards... that would seem shallow to me. more so cutting off your nose to spite your face (as the saying goes). i am not saying you are a jerk - maybe just weighing too heavily on appearances. in #2: if you are so rigid in your requirements you may end up spending your years to come on your own. attraction to someone does not necessarily cover the scope of how attractive they are physically. double standard??? who's to say that you are attractive to others - we all have our own unique guidelines for that. i wouldn't begin to assume that folks i meet find me attractive - that (i like to think) comes in knowing me inside and out. when a man is initially attracted to me i am skeptical due to the fact that he really knows nothing about me. btw - i have no idea if you are male or female - but it really makes no difference... Reality check. 2008 or not. Men are primarily attracted to physical appearance. Mathematicaly 7:3 (6:4 at best). It is double standard. Men and women are different after all.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 To clarify it, it has happened repeatedly, just because I will hang out or have conversations with someone I dont think it makes me bad, I dont lead them on or at least I dont think I do, I am a blunt person except when it comes to peoples feelings. On the remark about it being a double standard, I dont believe its a double standard if I take care of myself, I enjoy physical activities so I stay in shape, it would be a double standard if I didn't.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I am just wanting to get people's take on this situation because it has happened 5 or 6 times (I have also been criticized for not wanting to date anyone with kids because I have gone down that route a FEW times and it never turns out well for either party, too many complications but this is off the subject) If giving someone a hug can be misinterprited than I guess I am misleading, but I dont think that is a romantic advance FYI I was on a date last month with a VERY beatiful women but I never called back because she was a complete bitch to the waitress, I dont look at how someone just treats me, I notice how they treat other people. So please dont think thats looks are all.
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Ok. We all have certain "standards" about the people we will date. There is nothing wrong with this. If I'm hearing you right, you are saying you only want to date people you are physically attracted to and who do not have children. This is entirely reasonable, even though it might not be the choice that someone else makes. It's your choice. That said, I am still stuck on the concept that you have been called shallow and a jerk "repeatedly" in your life. Most people have standards about who they will date but are not called jerks about it. This is what leads me to keep suggesting that there is something missing in this scenario. You say you are not leading women on and that you take care with their feelings. Perhaps you can share some details of the context in which you've been called a jerk and we can better assess.
eric82 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 are the girls you're turning down the only ones calling you shallow?
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 If you define 6 tiomes max in teh 15 years that I have been actively dating (I am 27) repeatedly then yes I guess its a cycle, the scenario is that I am deeply saddened by losing her frienship, BTW her physical state is not the only reason i would not date her although she would tell you different, she is only 20 and that is too young for meshe was fun to have around and was allways welcome at my home (I have a few roomates) when she had a problem she could come over and we would all habg out and she seemed to feel better, she was like one of the guys. I legitimately cared about her and when she needed help I could not stand by and not do anything. Maybe I am asking the wrong question how about this-Should I start being mean and not having anything to do with people I am not attracted too? Just cause someone cares about you does not mean that they want to sleep with you.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 To ansewr the question it is usually one of their friends that calls me shallow, and about my previous statement tell me what you think of this, I said that just because someone cares does not mean that they want to sleep with you. I dont make that assumtion so I guess I dont think that other people do either.
MsJJ Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I know how you feel. I get pressured from my family to hurry up and get married. However, I refuse to settle. (they try and introduce me to men who are soooo not my type). I do not think it's shallow at all. Everyone has their own taste, type, and standards. I, personally, would rather have a man tell me flat out that he is not interested or attracted to me. I guess some ppl mistake kindness for a "potential" lay or relationship. I get annoyed when that happens to. I feel like, if I am nice then I am some how I shallow tease, then if I am stand offish and on guard then I'm a total bitch. So damned if I do damned if I don't lol.
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Okay, I have been called shallow many times over the years and here is why I dissagree. To clarify it, it has happened repeatedly, If you define 6 tiomes max in teh 15 years that I have been actively dating (I am 27) repeatedly I didn't define anything - you did. See above. (You started dating at 12? ) the scenario is that I am deeply saddened by losing her frienship, BTW her physical state is not the only reason i would not date her although she would tell you different, she is only 20 and that is too young for meshe was fun to have around and was allways welcome at my home (I have a few roomates) when she had a problem she could come over and we would all habg out and she seemed to feel better, she was like one of the guys. I legitimately cared about her and when she needed help I could not stand by and not do anything. Ah, ok. Is it that you were friends and she took it as having the potential for more? What kind of help did you give her? Is it possible she misconstrued your help as interest and then when you told her you weren't interested she felt embarrassed and has withdrawn? Have you told her what you just told us -- that you are deeply saddened not to have her in your life any more? Maybe I am asking the wrong question how about this-Should I start being mean and not having anything to do with people I am not attracted too? Just cause someone cares about you does not mean that they want to sleep with you. I don't think you should be mean. Are you someone who flirts easily? Do you unintentionally give off a vibe of being interested when you are not? The reason why it is important to know if this happens repeatedly (which is what you first stated) is because it helps to identify where the problem is -- whether it's you or them.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Yes I started dating at 12 she was Sheila Handricks and that is who I first "folled around with". People that grow up in a oppressively religious household tend to start that type of stuff earlier (in alot of cases anyway). I told her that I loved our friendship and did not want to ruin it ( kind of a age old let down I know but it is the truth plus I could not think of anything better to say. I did not tell her that it was because she was unattractive because I have a hard time telling people that and while that was a major reason it was not the only reason, she just knew because of the women that she has seen me with. As far as what type of help, If she needed a place to go ar stay for a day or two she could allways come to me, I have given her money in her time of need but mostly moral support. She wont return my calls, I understand she is hurt, but so am I, thats what I said in a voicemail the other day. And that sucks that your parent are trying to preassure you to get married, that want you to end up with someone you dont even like just to get a ring on your finger? GHETTO!
NuTuDating Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I had a girl get pissed and call me "shallow" when I told her I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. It was a horrible online date where her picture was about 50 pounds lighter than herself in person. I wasn't mean to her, but I did point out her dishonesty after she became really angry with me for not wanting to go on a second date. I mean, I met her and was in complete shock for the first half of the date because I barely recognized her and she had a huge gut. I felt a little guilty, for about thirty seconds, then I realized what she was trying to do, and after she called me a few choice words, I had to point out that maybe she should send people more current photos to avoid this problem. I'm with you - there's nothing wrong with having standards, especially if you take pride in the way you look yourself.
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 As far as what type of help, If she needed a place to go ar stay for a day or two she could allways come to me, I have given her money in her time of need but mostly moral support. Is it fair to understand from this that she is someone whose life is not in order? If so, that, combined with her age, could easily conspire to allow her to create a fantasy in her head where you "rescue" her and then fall madly in love. How long has it been since you had the talk? If it's fairly recent I would give it time and then tell her what you told us (about being sad, not that she is unattractive). Good luck.
Author WILLIS47 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 It went down last Thursday, I tried calling a couple of times but not since Sunday.vThanks for the advice but like I said I dont like doing nothing but I suppose just leting her do her thing is best and that if we keep talking it will make it harder on her, I just dont want her to do anything self destructive (not suicide or anything) but I dont want her to do some stupid off the wall stuff.
StartingOver07 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Call again. If she is insecure (sounds like she could be), she will see you not calling as "proof" that she was right all along. Problem is, she's been seeing you as a potential bf and you've been seeing her as a little sister. Bound to be disappointment. I think she will come round with time.
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